Broken Wings 02 Midnight Flight (23 page)

"I hate her." she said in a loud, hoarse whisper. She slammed her folded arms against herself so hard. I thought she might have cracked a rib. Then she went to her cot.
Moments later, they were all on their cots and back to being enveloped in a coat of depression. Gia and I exchanged looks of satisfaction, but also sadness. Who wanted to be right about such a thing?
The girls said nothing more. They were all asleep before the lights were out in fact. but I couldn't fall asleep.
I
could think only of Natani's shell.
When
I
felt it was safe.
I
crawled out of bed, quietly put on my shoes, and tiptoed out of the barn. I stood for a few moments outside
and
studied the yard. Lights were an in the hacienda, especially upstairs where the buddies stayed, but everywhere else was in darkness and thick shadows because the sky was partly overcast with a thin, long sheet of clouds sliding over the stars.
As
I
started across. I heard a coyote howl, then
a
bird that seemed to be on fire flew from the roof of the horse barn into some high brush. I tried to keep within the shadows until I turned the corner and headed directly for Natani's hogan, There was no way to tell if he was awake. There was no light.
I
knocked softly on the frame of the doorway, and when I heard his voice. I slipped into his home. He was sitting in a lotus position and in front of him was what looked like a pile of ordinary rocks.
"Sit, daughter of the sun." he said. indicating I should take the place before him.
I hesitated for a moment, then did it, folding my legs like his. He reached back and cupped a jug.
"Drink this first," he said, offering it to me.
I wasn't particularly crazy about the smell, and again I thought, what if this was all arranged by the goad Dr. Foreman?
"What is it?" I asked.
It is something that will start you an the path, help you find your way. Just this once. You won't need it after this. I promise."
"How can this drink do that?" I looked at the tea.
"You will see things as they really are, and when you do, you will be in your shell."
Skeptical and still afraid. I nevertheless began to drink the tea. While I did. Natani began a soft, low chant and tapped on a small drum. As
I
continued to drink the tea.
I
couldn't help but think about some of my friends back in Atlanta and how they would laugh and ridicule me for being with this old Indian man. But of course. they were there and I was here.
I wasn't put off by the taste. and
I
think that even if
I
were.
I
would have forced myself to drink it all.
I
was that desperate. I waited for more
instructions, but Natani just continued to chant and play his drum. I was beginning to feel more disappointment than anything else, Here
I
was sitting in an old Indian man's shack. listening to him play a drum and sing some song I couldn't understand.
I
couldn't help feeling ridiculous. Maybe that was Dr. Foreman's intention, I was a fool after all.
Natani knew some things, but he was still an old, nutty man. Everything in Posy's letter was part of an imagination gone wild. It all started to make more sense to me. Dr. Foreman didn't care if we talked to Natani or asked him for his mystical help. He was a big joke, a dead-end road that didn't lead cut of here after all.
Suddenly though.
I
became aware of a slow dance of golden lights rising out of the pile of stones between us. They turned red and moved in rhythm to Natani's drum. I rubbed my eyes, but they were still there so I closed my eyes, but the shapes continued. They went from yellow to red to tray and then blue. They looked like jellyfish, but became small balls that elongated and turned to ribbons of light. Finally. they all became bubbles and rose quickly, popping and disappearing.
Natani's drum seemed to be beating inside me now. When I looked at him. I focused on a crease in his shirt, and for some reason it looked beautiful. The shape of it, the way it flowed along and softened, was all fantastic to me. It made me feel good to make such a discovery.
I gazed around the hogan and stared for a while at a feather he had on the wall. My eyes were like magnifying glasses because every part of the feather stood out, its shape, its color, its texture. Again I thought, how beautiful it is and how wonderful that I have made the discovery.
I felt myself smiling, and although I couldn't explain why it should be. I was content. happy. For a moment I thought of Natani's story and the rat's question to the tortoise: Why are you so content?
The drum stopped and Natani reached for my hand and guided me to my feet. Go look at the world you have come to hate."
I turned and stepped out of the hogan.
The darkness was lifting like a curtain. I looked at the hacienda, the horse barn, the pigpen, the barn in which we slept, and it all just seemed to come together, but in a lovely way. Each shape was unique and yet I could feel the way everything flowed into everything else and flowed into me.
Suddenly, I wanted to embrace all of it, the weeds that grew at the sides of the buildings, the railings on the hacienda, which were so amazing in the way they were the same and yet different, each with something unique about it that I had not seen before, the garden with plants that were like ocean waves in the breeze. I loved everything.
"What do you see?" Natani asked me.
"Everything." I held out my arm and I felt myself touch the railing, touch the weeds, touch the plants. I could reach the very stars that pulsated, each resembling a tiny heart beating. It made me spin around and laugh. "It's all beautiful!" I cried. Even the ground looked beautiful, spreading before me like a soft carpet, the grains of sand dazzling.
"If you see the world as it is, you will see you are a part of it and none of it will make you unhappy," he said. "The world itself is a great shell. There is no other to seek.
"First, be at peace with your surroundings. See how you are a part of all that there is and how all that there is becomes von. All else will follow, daughter of the sun. I have given you only a small window. You must understand how you should not hate the wind for being the wind or the sun for being the sun. Soon, you will not hate yourself for being who you are either. If you
do
this, you will need nothing more. You will find your way in and out of your shell and nothing will harm you."
A moment later he was gone. He had stepped back into his hogan.
I don't know how long I remained there looking at everything as if for the first time. I don't remember returning to the barn and getting back to my cot, but then I was there, and for a long moment I wondered if I had ever left the barn. Had it all been a dream?
I fell asleep and did dream.
I
saw my daddy beckoning to me. He wanted me to come with him, to go somewhere with him. I was very little. My hand was lost in his. He lifted me into his arms.
I
could feel him carrying me along. Where was he taking me? What did he want to show me?
Outside our window on a ledge, a sparrow had built a nest and the eggs had cracked open. Tiny baby birds were crying
and
their mother was rushing to and fro with insects for them to eat.
"They're like you." Daddy said. "This is your nest." I was fascinated.
I
had forgotten that time, those birds. The way Daddy had held my hand and watched them with me. How could I have forgotten all that?
My daddy closed the window softly
and
carried me back to bed. where
I
fell asleep with a smile of contentment on my face that would make the desert rat and even the tortoise envious.
In the days following my visit to Natani's hogan. I wasn't able to tell anyone what he had taught me. I wasn't sure what it was myself exactly. All
I
knew was, whenever
I
felt overwhelmed, annoyed, or angry. I would stop, take
a
deep breath,
and
concentrate on something beautiful around me. The bad feeling would lose its grip on me, and after a while whatever it was that had caused it no longer seemed important.
The buddies. especially M'Lady One, took my behavior to mean
I
had lost all resistance and defiance. They had me where they wanted me. At least, that was what they believed.
I
could see it in their satisfied faces and even heard them say things like "I knew it was just a matter of time with her. They think they're all so tough until they get here."
Even hearing that sort of thins
^,
didn't bother me. If it was so important to them to win, let them win,
I
thought. What was it they actually won anyway?
I
guess it was the satisfaction in knowing no one was better than they were, no one could resist and fight what they couldn't resist and fight. That made them comfortable with who and what they were now. Whether they were uncomfortable wasn't important. It was a waste of energy to hate them. Someday, they would be gone forever from my life.
None of the other girls seemed to have what I now had. especially Teal. Of all of us, even after what we had each experienced in one way or another. Teal was still the most impatient, upset, and annoyed. Being terrified of any new punishment kept her from being too loud or ever openly refusing to do anything. She never muttered anything within the hearing of any of the buddies and was always subdued and as submissive as a puppy in Dr. Foreman's presence, but when she could, when it was safe, she moaned and groaned.
She hated the wind for what it was doing to her skin and she hated the sun for the same reasons. This was a filthy, dirty place. We were all going to die of some disease. We might as well just run off and die in the desert as she had almost died. What was the point of waiting for a release that would never come?
I was tempted to send her to Natani.
I
even started to talk to her about it, but she shook her head and said. "He's as crazy as the rest of them here. Why would he stay here? Why would anyone choose this place?"
It did no good to tell her that this was his world and he was happy in it. She could never understand how anyone would be happy in a world without television, movies, cars, parties, clothes, and jewelry.
Perhaps it was the rhythm of our lives here, the sameness of our chores, our schedule, the ordinary meals, the continuous schoolwork, and the dreaded therapy sessions with Dr. Foreman that tore at Teal more. but I could see she was growing worse with every passing day. Like Gia, she ate less and less. She was soon almost as thin as Mindy.
And she returned to her chant: "I'm going crazy here. I can't stand it much longer. I've got to get out of here. I've got to fry to escape again. Why would those damn buddies enjoy this? Why did they come back? If
I
ever got the opportunity to get away, you wouldn't see me within a hundred miles of this place."
She recited it all one morning when it was just she, Robin, and me out there working in the garden. Mindy and Gia had been given orders to straighten up and clean out the shed.
"It
could be they're having more fun than we think." Robin offered. "And I don't mean just tormenting and lording it over us. Remember what Gia and Mindy told us about spying on their partying."
Teal nodded. "Yes, at least they have that. don't they? Why don't we spy on them one night, too, and see just what it is they do have?"
Neither Robin nor
I
replied. Stepping out of the prescribed order of things had become frightening.
"Well, what's wrong with that idea? At least it will be something fun to do. Robin?" Teal continued, her voice building with enthusiasm.
"I'd be afraid of getting caught." Robin simply admitted. "We won't get caught. Phoebe?"
"I'm not interested in them."
"Me neither. There couldn't be more
uninteresting people on the face of the earth. It's just something to do, something that we weren't told we have to do," Teal moaned. When neither Robin nor I replied, she said. "Oh. forget it. Eli do it myself. I don't need you."
Robin and I still said nothing. Sometimes. I thought, it was better not to talk, to be like the animals, to listen and see and react only to actions.
Teal realized her threat wasn't getting her anywhere with us and she returned to whining. "Come on. Robin, don't be such a wimp. It's something to do and who knows what we'll see. Maybe we'll learn something. Come on. Do it with me. Please. What's the big deal? We'll peep in a window, that's all, but I'd like to see them with their panties down. I'd like to have something on them. It will make us feel better. You'll see. Please."
Robin looked at me and shrugged. "I guess it might be worth a smile, and if we were very careful about it..."
I shook my head. "It's not worth anything to me."
"We'll sneak out tonight," Teal said excitedly. building on Robin's weak moment. "Okay?"
"Yeah, maybe." Robin told her.
"Good. Come on. Phoebe. One for all and all for one. We came here together." Teal reminded me as if that solidified us for life and we owed each other.
I had to laugh. It seemed years ago when we'd first met in that concrete room. "Yeah, were about as loyal to each other as people in the same chain gang." I laughed again. They laughed. too.
The sound was so rare, it was alien to me for a few moments. Laughter, fun. excitement. How far back had I left them? Was it possible to regain any part of myself or was it all being buried for good out here?
How long had it been since I had done anything that was in the slightest way fun? Parties, boys, pizza, my desire for it all seemed to have gone into hibernation, and that really bothered me. The only thing that made my heart pound now was fear.
"All right" I said. "Maybe."
"Should we tell Mindy and Gia?" Teal asked,
"I don't think so." I said.
Subtly, I had begun to feel the division that had existed when we had first arrived. It had all returned,
"Phoebe's right. They've already done it anyway," Robin reminded us. "It won't be as interesting to them. We'll just have to be very quiet about sneaking out."
"Okay," Teal said. Nothing could discourage her now. She was on a roll.
In fact, she was so cheered by the idea of such an adventure she worked harder, and that night she ate better than she had all week. I thought one of the buddies or Gia would be suspicious and realize something was up, but no one seemed to notice, especially not Mindy, who was spinning someplace deep in her own thoughts. She was doing it mare and more now, sometimes actually talking aloud to herself.