Bruises of the Heart (17 page)

"Why?" I asked in an anguished voice.

"Why what, Tori? I don't understand what you're asking me." He took a few more steps toward me.

"Why did you really break up with me? I don't believe that you wanted to see other girls. I know that you only went on two dates, even though you did your best to make it appear that you were seeing a lot of different girls. You've already told me that you knew it was a mistake. So why, Noah? Please, I need to know," I implored as I wiped tears from my face.

He just stared at me. He dropped his hands back to his sides, then slowly walked to stand in front of me. I wouldn't look at him, afraid of what I might see. He lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him, and I saw his pain-filled eyes. "I did lie to you about why I thought we should break up. Seeing other people was the closest thing to the truth that I could come up with, and it almost killed me to actually go out with anyone else. I was so surprised that you didn't see right through me."

"But why, Noah? You broke my heart for no reason." I pushed his hand away. "It killed me to see you every day and know that you weren't mine anymore. Then I had to witness what turned out to be nothing more than a charade? I don't understand why you would do that to me," I said, getting mad. Tears continued to flow down my cheeks.

Noah turned and paced away from me. I was afraid that I was going to get my heart broken again. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest to keep myself from shaking or running away. This confrontation needed to happen so I could start to trust myself again.

"Tori, I'm not proud of what I did, especially because you went through all of what you did and because I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen," he said, still facing away from me.

"Then why?" I whispered, looking at the floor.

He was suddenly in front of me. With a hand on either side of my face, he tipped it up so he could look into my eyes. "Because I was afraid that I wasn't good enough for you," he said, staring me in the eye with an intensity that couldn't be ignored. "I didn't want you to look back in twenty years and wish that you had had the chance to see what else there was. Add all of that to what you had said about not knowing if we were meant to be, and
…
I made the decision for both of us.

"Tori, I don't have really big aspirations. I don't want to leave here and go see what else is out there. I'm content to just stay here and work on a farm or do construction. I didn't want to hold you back from meeting someone who could give you everything that you deserve."

"You have to be the biggest idiot that I have ever met," I said. "Who gave you permission to decide what's best for me? I'm capable of making those decisions for myself. If I thought that I wanted someone else, I would have told you that." I pushed his hands away. "Instead, you take it upon yourself to make what could have been life-altering decisions and putting us both through all of this emotional turmoil. You should've talked to me instead of being the big know-it-all guy." I was so angry I punched him in the chest.

Noah grabbed my fist before I could pull it back and held it against his chest. His move caused me to step closer and he wrapped his arms around me, pinning my hands between us.

"I'm not sure that I will ever be able to make up for everything that I have put you through, but I do know that I don't want to see anyone else but you. And I'm very sure that I would like to see you every day for the rest of my life. I'm also more than willing to wait for you to be ready, even if that means waiting for years." He touched his forehead to mine. "I know what it's like trying to live without you in my life, trying to pretend that everything is okay, and I can't do that. I love you too much, Tori."

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore how good it felt to have his arms around me. Trying to remain rigid was too difficult, so I relaxed and felt him take a deep breath. I stayed silent for a while, trying to make sense out of Noah's reasoning and failing. I supposed someone else might think he was being gallant, but I still thought he had been a complete moron. This kind of thing was why Mom said life was full of confusing moments.

"Tori, will you please say something? I'm getting really nervous just standing waiting for you to stop thinking." He gave me a small kiss on my forehead.

"I'm kind of stuck on you being an idiot," I said, smiling when he chuckled.

"Yeah, well, I know how you are. You're as loyal as anyone I've ever met, and I was afraid that would override anything else you might be feeling. I know it was wrong, and I know you're mad at me because I made the decision for you, but I'm hoping that you'll get over that rather quickly."

"You're right. I am mad, but not just at you. I'm mad at myself for not seeing it," I said, thinking back on that time and how Noah had acted. "It seems so obvious now. I guess we're both stupid."

Noah used my distraction to pull me even closer and wrapped his arms around me, one hand resting on the small of my back with a familiarity that was comforting. I laid my head on his chest and could hear his heart beating. Slipping my hands from his chest around his back to hold onto him made it beat at an accelerated pace.

I smiled to myself and enjoyed the feeling of being loved. But maybe more importantly, I now understood what real love felt like, and it wasn't what I'd had with Will. Love shouldn't be demanded, but given freely and cherished. Whether Noah and I ended up together again or not, I knew I would be okay either way.

Noah and I spent almost every waking moment together for the next three days. I was truly happy again. Even though there were moments when I inadvertently let the memories of my time with Will slip into my mind, I was able to talk about them with Noah and I wasn't as afraid any longer. I still hadn't made any kind of commitment to him verbally, but in my heart and mind I had. I probably needed to let him know at some point, though.

Thursday came, and not only did I realize we only had four more days of break left before the outside world would once again intrude on our newly re-founded relationship, but Lily finally showed signs of labor.

The barn remained very quiet all day as everyone took turns watching and waiting for the foal to arrive. Noah joined me for my turn and we sat side by side on a hay bale across the center aisle from Lily's stall. We hadn't said a word beyond the whispered greetings when he'd arrived. Sitting there holding hands was enough for us. There was no need to fill the silence because it was comfortable, unlike the silences with Will when I'd been scared of what was coming next.

My grandpa smiled and nodded to us when he walked silently in to relieve Noah and I. We got up and walked quietly out as Grandpa sat down on the same hay bale.

I squinted as we entered the bright sunlight after having been in the dim barn for so long. Noah took my elbow and pulled me to the shaded side of the barn. I followed without question and he suddenly pushed me up against the side of the wall. The boards were rough through the thin fabric of my shirt, but I didn't mind. My eyes were locked on Noah's.

His hands were planted on the barn on either side of my head and he had a look so intense it took my breath away. I ran my tongue along my bottom lip and his mouth was suddenly crushing mine.

The electric shock I remembered receiving any time we kissed took me by surprise. I sucked in a breath and I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him closer until I could feel his weight against me. Then I tangled my fingers in his hair to keep him from breaking the kiss. He growled deep in his throat, then took his hands off the wall and wrapped them around my back, splaying his fingers wide and sinking them into the muscles of my back.

I was reveling in the feelings coursing through my body. Noah ran one of his hands down my side and hip. He took hold of my knee and hitched it up around his hip while leaning me back against the barn. A herd of cattle could have stampeded by and I wouldn't have noticed them at all, so caught up in the moment was I.

Noah let my leg go and slowly decreased the intensity of the kiss. Our lips broke apart, but we leaned our foreheads together. We struggled to catch our breath and calm our racing hearts.

Noah cleared his throat. "I think we should, umm, go somewhere else. Is your mom home today?"

"Yeah, she's working from home today because of Lily," I answered in an unsteady voice.

"Perfect."

Noah took my hand and we started toward the cabin. It was a silent walk, both of us lost in our own thoughts
—
or in my case, still trying to calm my erratically beating heart.

Mom looked up from where she was seated at the kitchen table, paperwork spread out and her laptop in front of her. Her smile froze for a second when she took in our expressions and then it eased again. "How's Lily doing?"

"She's good. I thought that it would be over by now," I said.

"Well, sometimes it takes a while. What are you two going to do?" she asked.

"We're just going to hang out here. If we won't be bothering you, that is," I answered.

"Oh, you won't bother me," she said, smiling.

I turned and let Noah lead me to the couch. We sat down, then he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight up against his side. I turned my head and, leaning it on his shoulder, inhaled his scent
—
a combination of fresh air, hay, and soap. My heart started beating erratically again.

"Do you guys need anything?" Mom asked, startling me.

"I think we're fine for now, Mrs. Williams, thanks," Noah answered smoothly.

I sat up a little straighter on the couch and tried to pay attention to the basketball game Noah had found on the TV. I could almost feel the eyes boring into the back of my head. I knew my mom had been silently assessing our actions since we'd walked in the door and speculating about what had happened before we'd walked in.

Wondering about which direction her thoughts were taking was enough to distract me. My heart returned to a normal rhythm, and Noah playing with my hair where it hung against my arm barely changed my controlled breathing.

Around four o'clock, I walked Noah out onto the porch. After a thoroughly inadequate kiss, I whispered, "Goodbye," and watched him walk away until he was out of sight.