Brute: The Valves MC (20 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

Taking a deep breath, Dawson began what I could tell was going to be a very long, detailed, and personal story. “Ginger’s father used to be part of the Valves.”

I sucked in a breath. Here, I’d thought he was one of the people they’d been extorting money from, or maybe a rival gang member. This was news and he glanced at me, at my reaction.

But I screwed up my determination to hear him out without judgment and nodded for him to continue. Starting again, he said, “His name was Virgil, and he was sort of like a preacher in the way he addressed the club and our business, always sounded like he was giving a sermon. So, we called him Dante, like the writer. It pissed him off, but he let it go. So, Dante had been seeing a chick for a while, and they had a kid together. Right around that time, one of our rivals claimed we’d gone into their territory, blamed Dante as our second in command.”

He closed his eyes, and I readied myself for something painful, based on the strain in his expression. When he opened his eyes, his voice was strong, harsh, and bitter. “They decided to teach Dante and the Valves a lesson. His girl – I don’t know her name, he didn’t really bring her around – had gone home from the hospital to get the nursery ready for when the baby came home the next day. And a group from the other gang broke in. They raped her, beat her, and killed her. They probably would have killed the baby, too, if she’d been there.”

“That’s awful,” I said, choking on the horror of the story.

He nodded, and his eyes registered the agony of retelling all of this like it was yesterday. “Dante was alone now, and he had an infant daughter. He started to back away from our business, and it raised questions until he finally said he wanted out. He swore himself to silence about the club, said he was moving out east to live with his mother where he would have help raising the baby. But on a vote, the Valves decided they wanted to keep an eye on him for a while. So, they insisted he stay local and pay his own monetary dues. It was about trust, they said, and he agreed, as long as he and his daughter could live their lives in peace.”

He rubbed his forehead, and I sipped at my tea, trying to calm my nerves. He continued in a strained voice, “A few months later, a couple of the guys said that the cops had been snooping around Dante’s place. We were keeping an eye on him, trying to make sure he wasn’t going to turn on us to gain his freedom. By this point, I’d taken his place as Buster’s second, and I was sent to take care of the problem. I told Buster I didn’t think there was a problem, and he told me that was fine. But if I found any evidence that he’d spoken to the cops, I had to put him down.

“It made me nervous. I hadn’t killed anyone, and I certainly didn’t want to kill a man I had always respected. I was used to putting pressure on people, leaning on them and threatening them to get money. I made the mistake of taking a couple of guys with me, in case things got rough. So, we got to Dante’s house, and I started asking him questions. He denied any involvement with the police, said he’d turned them away every time they’d tried to question him. I believed him, but the other two guys didn’t. They started tearing his house apart, looking for listening devices and I don’t even know what else. It woke the baby up, and Dante went to grab her.”

He sniffled, and I could feel the ache in his chest already mirrored in my own. “One of the guys shouted that Dante had a gun, and I pulled mine. I swear, when he lifted his arm, I thought he was leveling a pistol at me, and I aimed and shot, got him right through the head. He fell, and I ran to grab the baby. When I looked down at his body, I saw what was in his hand. It was just the baby’s teddy bear.”

My heart lurched, and I couldn’t breathe. I knew there were tears on my cheeks, but I couldn’t stop them. It was all too much, especially as I watched Dawson try to control his own emotions. “The other guys freaked out,” he said in an unsteady voice. “They started arguing, drew guns. One of them shot the other, and when he realized what he’d done, he shot himself. I just…stood there with an infant screaming in my arms, surrounded by blood and dead men.” He pushed his fingers into his eyes, like he thought he might be able to push the image away if he blinded himself. We both knew it wouldn’t work; the image was ingrained in his mind, not his eyes.

I had such a tight hold on my teacup I thought I might shatter it, so I set it down and drew my cardigan tighter around me. I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to comfort him but because I didn’t know how. It was a nightmare that, even though I hadn’t been present, I knew would haunt me. I couldn’t imagine what it had done to Dawson.

He cleared his throat, trying to regain composure. “I called Buster when I remembered how to dial, and I don’t know what I said. I just remember screaming into the phone. He brought some cleanup guys, and I don’t even know how they took care of things. When they showed up, I went to the nursery with the baby girl, and this utter calm came over me as I sat and rocked her back to sleep. With everything going on in the other room and how loud everyone was, it was like being in a bubble. I laid her in the crib and started gathering diapers and clothes and everything she would need.”

His anger replaced the regret on his face. “I packed up every bag I could find, and when Buster tried to stop me from taking it all, I nearly clocked him. It was my fault she didn’t have a father, but it was his fault we’d gone after Dante in the first place. I told him I didn’t care if he wanted to shoot me right then and there, as long as he made sure the baby was taken care of, but I refused to kill anyone else, ever again. He got out of my way, and I took the sedan Dante had traded his bike for and left with the baby.

“It took a few weeks, but Buster had some contacts, and we got all the paperwork drawn up for the adoption process. And Ginger was mine. It didn’t take nearly as long for the no-kill rule to get instated.” He met my gaze with fiery intent and said vehemently, “I will never let anything happen to Ginger, Mari, and I need to know that I trust you to be just as cautious and determined.”

I would have taken a bullet for her, and I told him as much. “I will stand between her and anyone who threatens her in any way, Dawson. She’s like my own daughter. You know that.”

“I do.” He touched the folder now, pushing it and the pen toward me. “But I want more than that.” I frowned, confused, and he pointed to the folder. “I want to make sure no one can take her from you, and no one but you can make the decisions that need to be made for her while I’m gone.”

My fingers trembled as I reached for the folder, and when I opened it, I stared at the official, legal documents inside. “Dawson…”

“It’s not what you think,” he stopped me. “I could have given up my rights as a parent, and I thought about it. But I chose to give you custodianship instead. It gives you the same control without negating me from her life. When I get out of prison, we can file more paperwork that transfers the responsibility back to me. Or we can share it.” He said the last with a hopeful tone, but I didn’t know what to think.

“This is a lot to take in, Dawson. I know we talked about this, and I told you I was calling CPS to get custody, but I’m not going to do that to the two of you. I can’t truly take her from you.”

“You’re not. Like I said, we can make arrangements when I’m finished with all of this.”

I swallowed, the ominous cloud of his departure making me feel sick again. “How long are you going away? I don’t know that any of this is actually necessary, if it’s as short a time as you say.”

But he shook his head. “I would want this if it was just a month or two, Mari. I can’t risk losing her forever, and that is something you can help me with. It’s just a signature, and there’s no other difference in our original arrangement.”

The tears came fresh and hot, and I asked in a whisper, “How long?”

He leaned back and folded his hands in front of him on the table. His grim expression did nothing to help ease my mind. “The DA offered five years, three with good behavior. Plead guilty to second degree manslaughter, and all the other charges would be dropped, if I gave them everything I knew.”

“Five years?” I choked. We’d been talking about a year, maybe two. I didn’t need a calculator to tell me that Ginger would be graduating elementary school by the time he was free. “That’s forever, Dawson!”

“Not really,” he said with a rueful grin. “It’s gone by really damn fast with Ginger.” His smile faded. “I’m waiting to hear back from the DA’s office, though. I explained the situation, told them about having adopted Ginger and having demanded that no one else be killed. And I asked them to bring it down to three. Wait!” he said quickly before I could tell him that was almost as bad. “I know it sounds like a long time. But with three years, I can easily be out in eighteen months on good behavior. Even with five years, I could be out in maybe two years, tops. I know how to keep my head down and not make any noise. I’ll be a model citizen.”

Now, he came around the table and knelt in front of me, taking both my hands in his. I didn’t fight him. My stomach was churning again, and I felt weaker than before, now that even more weight had been added to the load I was carrying. But the warmth of his hands on mine sparked a need in me that I’d been trying to deny. I had been so concerned with how Ginger would handle losing her father that I hadn’t thought about how I was going to handle not having him around. This was the sort of upheaval that destroyed people.

“Mari, baby, please sign the papers. I need to go into this knowing my daughter has a mother who loves her, and that the woman I love, whether she still accepts me or not, can still find it in her heart to help me get through it.” His eyes were pleading, and I couldn’t look away.

I’d spent months trying to get Dawson to tell me everything about his past, clue me in on why he was so frightened of leaving the Valves, and now that I had gotten what I wanted, I wished I’d never pried it from him. I just wanted to go back a month and start over. I wouldn’t be so naïve this time around, and I’d let Dawson handle his business.

But I couldn’t do any of that, and I took in a deep, shuddering breath. “I love Ginger, Dawson. And I still love you. I never wanted any of this to happen, but I will do everything I can to make it as easy as possible, for both of you.” That guilt of having forced him into this decision washed over me. Maybe he would have come to this conclusion on his own eventually anyway, and blaming myself was irrational, but that didn’t matter. I felt responsible, and there was only one thing I could do to help fix it.

I pulled away from his grasp, and I reached for the folder and the pen. I didn’t need to read anything. I knew what the pages stipulated. I found all the little flags and signed and dated on the lines with the Xs. Then, I closed the folder and set it back on the table with a sense of finality. Something in me had held onto the idea that, if I didn’t sign it, we’d stand still in time. Dawson wouldn’t go to prison, and we could work something else out.

Now that it was done, my heart sank, another heavy weight in an already struggling stomach. I turned to look at him, still kneeling in front of me, and I watched the tension ease from his face and drain from his body. I couldn’t believe how much relief seemed to come over him, just from me scrawling my name a few times.

“Thank you,” he whispered, and I heard the pieces of his broken heart clattering together as he shook and laid his head in my lap.

I needed to leave. I needed to get up and go home, and I was probably going to throw up again. But I didn’t have the strength or motivation to move. He felt good on me, and I laid a hand on his head, stroking his hair absently. I had the distinct feeling this would be the last time I could touch him with any kind of intimacy for a very long time.

And deep down, I was scared that, when he finally did get free again, he was going to hate me for causing him all this pain.

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

I stayed until Dawson went to pick Ginger up from school, the decision that he would do it made silently between the two of us. As he drove off, I went back to my house and shut myself in the bathroom, sobbing and throwing up for several long minutes. Then, I pulled myself together and took another quick shower to clean myself up. I couldn’t be a puddle of nerves and overwrought emotion when Ginger got here.

The steaming water washed away the swollen, puffy skin around my eyes, the stench of sickness, and most of the nausea, and I found enough strength scrub my body until it was almost raw. I only climbed out because I knew I was running short on time, and I wanted to be out in the kitchen or living room with a smile plastered on my face when the two of the arrived. It would be good for everyone’s sake.

And it turned out to be the right idea. Ginger looked worried until I smiled and held out my arms with all of my enthusiasm. Then, she beamed and ran to me, nearly knocking me over with the force of her hug. “You’re better!” she exclaimed.

“I am.” So far, so good. “How was school?”

“It was okay. I like it way better when you’re my teacher. Miss Dennis was the name of the teacher today, and she wasn’t fun like you.” She gave me a harsh look of disapproval, and I mirrored it as I gazed up at Dawson, who was trying not to laugh.

“I think she’s not so bad, and you’re just used to me being there,” I told Ginger. “Come on, why don’t we get your backpack hung up and find you a snack?”

“I have one already. I have some peanut butter crackers that Miss Dennis gave us from the snack cabinet that I didn’t eat yet.” She let me take her backpack, but she reached quickly to unzip it and dug around until she produced the package of crackers. “Can I have some milk to go with them?”

“Sure.” Dawson was already getting it, so I just hung up her backpack and watched her as she sat at the table with her snack, very serious about eating with proper manners as she always was. I turned to her father, who watched her with longing. “When will you know?” I asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

“Within the week,” he growled back, and I met his eyes, seeing the eagerness in them, a hunger that had nothing to do with snacks or his daughter or being done with the Valves. It made my blood boil, and things low in my body softened and then became molten. I wanted him with a desperation that was all consuming.

Without permission, my arm shot out, and my hand rested on his chest, which showed me just how hard a time he was having trying to stay calm and keep his breath even. “And do you go in immediately?”

“I can set a date,” he rasped, stroking one hand through my damp hair. “I don’t want to put it off forever, but I had thought one last weekend would be nice. For Ginger. And…” He trailed off, but I knew what he wanted to say.
For us
. I’d been doing my best not to let the physical draw that I felt constantly from Dawson get to me, but I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I was running out of time, and I didn’t just want a final night with him – I
needed
it.

I took a step closer and lowered my volume to barely a whisper. “Can you find a babysitter for Friday night?” He didn’t speak, just nodded, and I didn’t have to look to see that he was hard. I could read it in the lines around his eyes as they became more pronounced. With a nod, I told him, “Then, Saturday night for Ginger, and Friday night for us.”

It was exactly what he needed, and he dipped his head, taking my lips. His taste was so familiar, so stirring, and I slid my hands around the back of his neck, holding on and letting him delve as deep as he wanted. I would cherish every moment I had and hope that, when everything was said and done, we could find a way to make things work. I wasn’t going to delude myself into believing we could just walk right into each other’s arms and start where we left off. But I had to tell myself there was some chance our relationship could evolve, no matter how much time passed in between.

When he finally let me go, I was so aroused I had to put some space between us to find my composure. I walked over to the table where Ginger was organizing her crackers into a regimental line, determining the order in which she would eat them. I shook my head at her obsessive mannerisms and told myself they would ease up as she got older.

“I’d better go,” I heard Dawson say, still standing where I’d left him, and I looked over at him, debating asking him to stay for dinner. But it was better to let him go. I had to get used to not relying on his presence, and the sooner I started to make the adjustment, the better.

***

After I’d tucked Ginger in for the night, the house seemed very empty and quiet, and I had no idea how to fill the emptiness. I didn’t feel like watching TV alone, and I had trouble with the idea of sleeping in an empty bed when Dawson was still right next door and his daughter was in the next room.

I was frustrated and despondent and, with the nausea creeping back into my stomach, I wanted a distraction. I picked up my phone, on the verge of calling Dawson. Why was I being so stern about this? I’d be forced into abstaining in a few days, maybe a week. Why couldn’t I take advantage of what was right in front of me until then?

My phone rang, and I jumped, not expecting a call. I looked down, sure it was Dawson, reading my mind, but I scowled at a number I didn’t recognize. I’d had the same number forever, so I doubted it was a call for someone else. I didn’t get a lot of wrong numbers. So I answered. “Hello?”

“Mari? You sound strange. Is everything all right?”

“Georgie?” I couldn’t believe my sister was calling. We’d just had Thanksgiving, and it wasn’t even Christmas yet. I usually didn’t expect more than two or three calls a year. I felt my heart leap, and I laughed softly. “Wow, I’m surprised you called.”

“Oh, Mari! That hurts! You’re my sister, and I’m tired of not seeing you or talking to you all the time, like we did when we were kids. I got a new phone with a new plan and a new number that has unlimited talk and text. And it’s all for you, sister.”

I felt warm for once, and I leaned back on the couch, elated just to hear her voice. I missed Georgie, even if she drove me crazy, and now more than ever I needed every ally I could get. “Then I expect to hear from you at least once a week,” I told her.

“Oh, you’ll be lucky if that’s all you get. Seriously, though. Is everything okay? You really sounded strange when you answered the phone.”

Georgie was good at seeing right through me, when she wasn’t too busy being selfish. It was a blessing and a curse, and I told her, “I just didn’t have this number in my phone, so I didn’t know it was you. And Ginger is sleeping over. I didn’t want to wake her.” Both were true and avoided the topic of Dawson.

Or so I’d hoped. “Aw, that beautifully adorable little girl! How is she? Better yet, how are you and that gorgeous hunk of man she calls Daddy getting along?”

I hesitated. Should I lie and tell her everything was great and wonderful? Did I tell her half truths about having issues but not being specific? Or did I spill everything and finally share my burden with someone? I didn’t think Georgie was patient enough for the whole story, but I knew she wouldn’t believe the lie. So, I tried, “Things are a little complicated right now. But I’m sure they’ll work out eventually.”

“That doesn’t sound good.” She gasped. “He didn’t cheat on you, did he?”

“No!” I was horrified at the idea. “It’s not that.” I sighed. “I’m sorry, I would explain, but it’s just a lot to tell, and I don’t think I could really do it over the phone.”

“Then I’ll come see you.”

“What?”

“Well, I called to tell you I wanted to come see you. I can’t get there on Christmas, but I could come a week earlier, and we could have our own little Christmas party. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

I didn’t know what to say. Telling her no would be harsh and hurtful. Telling her I was excited by the idea would be a vast overstatement. I wanted to see Georgie, but I wasn’t ready for her antics again just yet. And I didn’t want her to come right now, when my life was getting ready to turn upside down.

I glanced at the calendar, realizing she was talking about being here in two weeks, and I panicked. I didn’t know how long the whole process of getting Dawson into the system would take, and I didn’t know if I would have to go to the courthouse or Social Services or something to take some sort of oath because I was temporarily acting as Ginger’s guardian.

Then again, hadn’t I just been worried about being alone and not knowing how to handle it? Maybe I couldn’t count on Georgie to give up her flighty ways and come stay with me, but I could impress upon her the gravity of the situation, and maybe she could come more often and help me out when she was here. Since she adored Ginger, I didn’t see her refusing my request.

But first, I would have to be okay with hers. “A week before, huh? Well, I hate to break it to you, but I had big plans to start campaigning for President, and I’m not sure where I’ll be that day.”

“You are ridiculous, Mari. Do you know that? So, do I get to come? I promise to be all ears so you can tell me what’s going on. My only request is that we make popcorn balls to munch on while we chat. I have the feeling it might be a very long talk on a very late night, and I really need popcorn balls to stay awake and alert.”

She succeeded in making me laugh. “Just send me your flight information. I’m sure Ginger would love to come pick you up at the airport.”

“Great! You steal that little girl, and you tell Dawson she’s mine for however long I get to stay. Probably three days, and I can pick up work on a fight back home the last day.”

“It sounds like a plan.” I nearly choked on the words, thinking I wouldn’t have to demand Ginger’s presence. By the time Georgie got here, Dawson would probably be locked up, and I’d be on my own, raising a daughter by myself. “I’ll see you then.” I hung up and took a deep breath, pushing down the threat of nausea one last time.

With nothing else to do, I decided to turn in early. It might do me some good, if I actually managed to sleep. I was exhausted, and I hoped it would help me find a peaceful slumber.