Bulletproof (8 page)

But the bad stuff didn’t all disappear. Some of it just evolved. Even though he and I were completely over each other, we were still connected in one obvious way. Because we had a child together, there was no chance of having a normal breakup, closing the book and never looking back. We would still have to talk about Bentley and where he’d be each day, or, as it turned out, each weekend. Even after breaking up, that was one huge argument that refused to die. When I thought Bentley was going to visit his father for the weekend, I would sometimes make my own plans to visit friends or have a night or two to myself. But when I’d take Bentley to his grandparents’ house, his father was never there.

It was infuriating for two reasons. First, because Ryan wasn’t appreciating the chance to spend time with him. Second, because that left me feeling guilty about doing my own thing. If Bentley was supposed to be with his dad and then his dad didn’t show, it didn’t feel right to just leave the little guy in the care of his grandparents. And it hurt to see him being stood up over and over. The only comfort was that he was too young to realize it. But it drove me crazy to see the days going by, Bentley getting older and growing up, and no progress being made in his relationship with his father. I couldn’t understand what I was witnessing.

I tried not to fight what I couldn’t change, but I felt so helpless and frustrated at times I wanted to rip my hair out. That was the hardest part of the breakup. I’d withdrawn myself from the relationship, but Bentley couldn’t. And so Bentley’s father’s bad behavior didn’t affect me on a relationship level anymore, but it hit me on a protective parenting level. That turned out to be way worse.

I wasn’t afraid of being single. But I was afraid of being on the journey of parenthood alone and the battle that it was sure to become. And for the first time in my life, I found myself horribly lonely. I was supposed to be good at letting go of negative feelings, but it wasn’t as easy to distract myself anymore. If I’d been a “normal” eighteen year old girl, I would have called up some friends to go out and do something. But I had a kid to take care of. I couldn’t just go out every weekend or random nights and have fun all the time. And I accepted that. I still enjoyed being a mom, and I loved being around Bentley more than anything. But your baby can’t be your only company, and when he was asleep, I was on my own with the TV again.

What was I going to do? I didn’t want Ryan back, and I wasn’t desperate for the next romance. It wasn’t about that. It was my feeling of being isolated from the rest of the world, like this new life of mine was taking place on a deserted island. Sometimes those lonely nights seemed endless.

CHAPTER 10:

THIS YEAR HAS BEEN A TEST

this year has been a test for me

and through all the times of betrayal

i lost the person i used to be

i sold her to the people around

because my effort was spent on loyalty

maybe i let her run away

i miss the girl i used to be

or maybe i forgot to please her

in the midst of all the royalty

everything i have to give is gone

is this the payback I’m supposed to see

but what if I’m not to blame

i don’t know who i’m supposed to be

was i supposed to fall apart like this

without a root there is no tree

CHAPTER 11:

DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

When friends and family heard I was single again, they were surprised by the suddenness of it. Or, at least, what might have seemed like suddenness from the outside. But they could not have been all that shocked. No one tried to talk me into working things out with him. No one said much of anything, really. Probably because, as usual, I didn’t say much about it either.

Despite the cloud of loneliness that was hanging over the back of my mind in general, I was glad to be single. It wasn’t like I’d totally lost the strength I’d always felt in being alone. And as an eighteen-year-old mom with no idea of what to do next, I could definitely benefit from having the space to think for myself and focus on stabilizing my life.

Before I got pregnant I’d planned on culinary school, but so much for that. One of the first things anyone in the restaurant industry tells you is that it’s impossible to establish yourself without dedicating loads of time to work. It’s a notoriously difficult career to balance with a family life, and so it was out of the question for me. I wasn’t going to devote all my nights and weekends to work now that I had Bentley. It was that simple.

With that plan off the menu, I wasn’t sure what I really wanted do next in terms of a career. But I felt a strong desire to take forward steps, so back when Ryan and I were still together, I enrolled in college for a general business dream. I had particular passion for business. I was just doing it because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. And everyone knows that if you don’t know what to study, that’s the one to go for.

I spent my first semester on campus. I went to school, showed up for class, then went home and did homework. It wasn’t exciting. It wasn’t like I wanted to be there, and I wasn’t taking classes I enjoyed. I was just going and taking my requisites, then going home. My mom had started working from home so she could take care of Bentley while I was at school. I felt bad about it. I knew it wasn’t her responsibility to care for my child all day while she was doing her work, too. I felt like I was pawning him off on her. And frankly, I hated being away from him. At the same time, I was generally exhausted from being up all night with him. With my complete lack of interest and enthusiasm for school, my fatigue, and my desire to be with Bentley, it was only a matter of time before the whole college effort fizzled. After a month and a half I dropped my classes to avoid failing.

I knew I would go back to school, but I wanted to find something I was interested in before I tried to go back. Instead of going to class, I spent that spring and summer working for my dad and taking care of Bentley. Most of my days consisted of spending time with my baby, doing nothing. After awhile, I started to feel like a loser for dropping out. I criticized myself for the decision, wondering if I hadn’t tried hard enough, if I was just making excuses. A baby is a lot of work, but you can still accomplish things. Knowing how important it was to get a degree, I should have stuck it out. I was claiming I was busy, but I could have done online courses from home. And I had the privilege of working for my dad and having control over my schedule.

But emotionally, and mentally, I just wasn’t there. I was overwhelmed by everything I’d gone through since I found out I was pregnant. There was no way for me to succeed in school when I wasn’t able to mentally check in. So I settled into a safer routine. It was all I could do until I came up with a better plan.

***

Before I met Ryan, I was happy without a boyfriend. I enjoyed being on my own and avoiding the drama that came with relationships. But my sense of independence was only part of the story. It’s possible that my lack of interest in romance may have been influenced by a relationship I already had in my life. And once again, it had something to do with motocross.

My brother and I grew up riding dirt bikes and racing, although he was much more serious about it than I was. The more serious you are about racing and competing, the more you have to travel. Most people who show real talent for racing, and have the means to pursue it, are homeschooled from middle school onward. There’s no other way to get an education when you’re always on the road, traveling from state to state to compete. All of this plays into the culture surrounding motocross, by the way, and the kind of people who are drawn to it.

Back when I was about nine and my brother was in his early teens, our family spent a lot of time at the motocross tracks in and around Tennessee. Over time, my parents made friends with a few other families that were always at the same tracks. They were always around each other and hanging out. One of the boys my brother hit it off with was a guy named Kyle. I saw a lot of him when I was a kid. Of course, we weren’t friends. He was my brother’s friend, and I was just “Matt’s little sister.” As we all got older, my brother and I both got heavily involved in school sports. I was totally committed to softball, and he was serious about wrestling. Eventually he quit racing, and we all stopped spending so much time at the track. We still saw Kyle and the rest of the motocross people once in awhile, but not nearly as much.

One day when I was in high school, Kyle and I started chatting on MySpace out of the blue. I never had anything but a friendly impression of him, so I was happy to talk to him and catch up on what we’d been up to since I stopped coming to the track so much. The small talk led to more talk, and before I knew it we were becoming really good friends. Long-distance friends, but still.

After I’d been talking to Kyle for a few weeks, I brought him up with my brother. “Do you remember Kyle?” I asked him, very casually.

“Yeah, I remember.” My brother gave me a weird look. “We basically grew up with him.”

Right. “Is he cool?” I asked. “Or is he a douchebag?”

My brother laughed. He knew exactly what I was talking about. The money-and-homeschool combination that’s common with serious motocross kids doesn’t always result in the best personalities. It’s a well known stereotype of people who grow up deep in that world that they basically know nothing about life. But my brother said, “He’s cool. He’s not a ‘bro.’”

It was good to hear, but I already knew that. It wasn’t like I was short on good friends, even guy friends. If I didn’t see something cool about Kyle, I wouldn’t get so much out of our conversations. But I loved talking to him. Kyle was really funny. He had a sharp wit, and not a mean one. He was the type of person who was always in a good mood. It was a strange relationship we had, spending so much time together on MySpace and on the phone, but he became my best friend.

Still, even though neither of us referred to it outright, the “friendship” between Kyle and me quickly turned into a kind of long-distance romance. Or at least it would be hard to explain how that wasn’t basically what we were doing, at least in teenager terms. We talked all day, every day. And I mean constantly. Obviously neither one of us was spending significant time with other people in that way, considering the amount of attention we were paying each other. And so it wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that part of the reason I wasn’t interested in dating was because Kyle’s friendship was already satisfying any need I might have had for a close connection with a guy I liked.

The fact that neither of us came out and labeled it as romantic was part of the appeal. In fact, what I had with Kyle was perfect for my personality and the way I liked to go about my life at that time. It was easy. Since he lived in Nashville and we never saw each other, getting physical wasn’t an issue. Not that I didn’t find him attractive, but I was younger then, and any relationship between a girl and a guy is simpler when sex isn’t a factor. Not seeing each other also meant that we never had a chance to get on each other’s nerves. Since we never crossed the line into girlfriend and boyfriend territory, we didn’t even have to play the usual silly teenage relationship games like “you didn’t text me between classes so I’m not talking to you,” or whatever else couples usually harassed each other about.

I also liked the fact that what I had with him was completely my business. I didn’t know anyone he knew, and he didn’t know anyone I knew. Nobody had to know about us talking, and since I wasn’t exactly a chatterbox when it came to my personal life, nobody really did know. I got to enjoy the best parts of dating someone without having to be the subject of any high school dating gossip. We had each other’s company when we wanted, but out in the open it didn’t exist. And by the same token, that made me feel freer to open up with him. In a way, our relationship felt kind of like a sanctuary from the people and places in my everyday life. I was comfortable sharing things with him that I’d normally keep to myself. Not that I had any thoughts in particular that required me to lead a double life. It was just that the long-distance arrangement made it easy for me to trust Kyle as a confidant.

But, again, we weren’t exactly a couple. We resisted taking that step for so long that we got comfortable right underneath it. After that we were too afraid to try being girlfriend and boyfriend because we didn’t want to mess with the amazing friendship we had. Which meant neither of us was in a position to do or say anything to stop each other from dating other people. So nothing stopped me from meeting Ryan and giving him a chance to win me over. And once he did, my close friendship with Kyle quickly dropped down a few notches in intensity.

Kyle wasn’t very happy about it. We kept talking after I met Ryan, and I was always open with him, so he knew what was going on. He was definitely jealous of Ryan, but he couldn’t do anything about it. That’s the problem with the gray area we’d enjoyed so much up until that point. When Ryan and I got serious, it kind of pissed Kyle off. I was sorry about it, but at the same time, I knew that if I wanted to make a relationship work with Ryan, I was going to have to stop talking to Kyle. It wouldn’t have been appropriate or even possible for our friendship to stay like it was. The simple fact was that Ryan and I were in love and I no longer had space for an almost-romance with someone else. So I took a big step back, and just like that, Kyle went back to being a friend of mine in Nashville.

I was about five months pregnant when I finished junior year, and it was starting to show. That was when I started telling everyone I was going to have a baby. But Nashville hadn’t gotten the news yet. Just after summer vacation started, Kyle texted me out of the blue to say he missed me. But the way he referred to me and Ryan was more spot on than he probably would have liked. “You never talk to me anymore,” he complained. “Pretty soon you’re going to be married with kids or something.”