Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (13 page)

‘Poor thing,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘I can sympathise. I know how much that hurts.'

Eleanor rounded on him. In all the excitement she'd forgotten about him being there. ‘Who—
and what
—are you, anyway?' she said.

‘Ah, have you forgotten me so soon?' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘I, who sacrificed my life, so that you could live?'

Eleanor stared at him with wide eyes. ‘Kisser?' she said. ‘Is that you?'

‘I
used
to be the Kisser,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘But that was another lifetime ago. A couple, in fact. I'm somebody else now.'

‘It's the Mutant Maggot Lord,' said Zack.

Eleanor regarded him with a mixture of suspicion, pity and disgust. ‘But I thought you were eaten by the mutant zombie maggots!' she said.

‘I was,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘It was a very unpleasant experience.'

‘But shouldn't you be dead?' said Eleanor, frowning.

‘I was close enough to it,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘For a little while, at least. But then the mutant zombie maggots turned into mutant zombie blowflies and I reconstituted myself from their spew.'

‘You just don't give up, do you?' said Eleanor. ‘I guess we should really call you the Mutant Zombie Blowfly Spew Lord.'

‘The
Mutant
Mutant Zombie Blowfly Spew Lord, to be completely accurate,' said Ned coldly. ‘But we'll just call you “the Mutant Spew Lord” to keep things simple.'

‘I expect that you're still angry about when I tried
to kill you back in the Great Windy Desert,' said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘But I really am sorry.'

‘Angry?' said Ned. ‘Me? Angry?' He was silent as he searched unsuccessfully for words to express exactly how angry he was. ‘Apology
not
accepted!' he finally blurted before turning away.

‘I understand,' said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘But I really have changed. Honestly! I was confused back then. But now I'm on your side. I want to help you.'

‘Oh, gross!' said Zack's bum. ‘I think I'm going to be sick.'

‘That's no way to speak to a guest,' said Zack. ‘Even if he
is
going to make you sick.'

‘I'm not talking about the Mutant Spew Lord,' said Zack's bum, pointing at the screen.

Zack looked up.

And gasped.

The Great White Bum was approaching Robobum with the still-quivering bumantula abdomen in his arms. ‘Oh no!' said Eleanor. ‘He's coming! Lift-off, Robobum!'

‘Damage report not yet complete,' said Robobum.

‘You'll have a lot more damage to report if you don't take off now!' said Eleanor. ‘We'll be smashed to pieces!'

‘I don't think so,' said Ned.

‘What do you mean, you don't
think
so?' said Eleanor. ‘You saw what he just did to the bumantula.'

‘Look closely,' said Ned. ‘The Great White Bum appears to be offering the bumantula cheeks to Robobum. If I didn't know better, I'd say . . .'

He hesitated.

‘What?' said Zack, not daring to take his eyes off the Great White Bum, who was kneeling in front of them, holding the legless bumantula in his outstretched hands.

‘Well,' said Ned, ‘it sounds crazy, but if I didn't know better, I'd say the Great White Bum is offering Robobum a gift.'

T
he bum-fighters stared at the Great White Bum.

They weren't used to seeing him behaving so politely.

‘But
why
?' said Eleanor. ‘Why is he giving Robobum a present?'

‘Robobum is a very good-looking bum,' said Ned, ‘even if I do say so myself.'

‘You mean,' said Eleanor, dumbfounded, ‘the Great White Bum doesn't realise Robobum is just a machine? He thinks she's real?'

‘Apparently so,' said Ned.

‘We thought she was real at first, too, don't forget,' said Zack.

‘Yes, but we're humans,' said Eleanor, ‘not bums.'

‘Speak for yourself,' said Zack's bum. ‘
I
thought she was real.'

Eleanor shot it a dangerous look. ‘I'm still not speaking to you. Not now. Not ever.'

Before Zack's bum could respond, Robobum interrupted. ‘Request permission to accept gift from Great White Bum.'

‘Permission granted,' said Ned, clearly pleased that his robotic bum was so convincing that she had fooled the Great White Bum himself. ‘It wouldn't do to offend our new best friend, now, would it?'

Robobum stretched out her arms and received the pulsating prize in her hands. ‘Thank you.'

‘It is my pleasure to serve you,' rumbled the Great White Bum, his voice—but thankfully not the
smell
of his voice—being broadcast via the external microphone located in one of Robobum's fake pimples. ‘This bumantula will not bother you again, and its juices make a very fine perfume, which will only enhance your loveliness.'

‘Wow,' said Eleanor. ‘What a charmer! Who would have guessed?'

The Mutant Spew Lord drew in his breath to speak, but was cut short by Ned.

‘Shush!' said Ned. ‘We can't afford for the Great White Bum to get suspicious.'

‘But he can't hear us, can he?' said Zack.

‘He shouldn't be able to,' said Ned, ‘but after what Robobum's been through, we'd better be careful. There may be some gaps where sound can get through. Robobum, use your inside voice on the lowest possible setting.'

‘Affirmative,' whispered Robobum.

‘I trust the bumantula did not cause you too much distress,' said the Great White Bum.

Robobum considered the Great White Bum's enquiry. ‘Negative,' she said, switching back to her outside voice. ‘Damage report indicates minor malfunctions in control and navigation systems and moderate buckling of left outer cheek, but otherwise I am 90 per cent operational.'

Ned winced. ‘Too much Robospeak,' he whispered to Robobum. ‘Switch to casual mode.'

‘Affirmative,' whispered Robobum. ‘Oops, I mean, “okay”!'

But the Great White Bum didn't seem to notice or worry about Robobum's lapse. ‘Why are you not at the Crack of Doom with the others?' he said. ‘We are leaving very soon!'

‘What should I say?' whispered Robobum, internally.

‘Ask for more information!' said Ned.

‘Leaving?' said Robobum. ‘Where to?'

‘You weren't at last night's meeting, were you?' said the Great White Bum. ‘I'm sure I would remember seeing a bum as lovely as you.'

‘No,' said Robobum. ‘I was on my way but I got stuck in the bumantula's web.'

‘Of course,' said the Great White Bum. ‘Forgive me, but there is so much to do. The Earth will soon be struck by a devastating arseteroid. It will wipe out all bumosaur life on the Earth. Look into the sky. You can already see the glow.'

Robobum looked up, giving the bum-fighters a clear view of a tiny but bright point of light in the sky.

‘Oh my goodness,' said Robobum. ‘That's terrible!'

‘Yes,' said the Great White Bum. ‘But don't worry.
I have a plan for the complete evacuation of all Great White Bumosaurs from the planet.'

‘That's what
you
think,' said Zack.

‘Shush!' said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘We can't afford to miss anything!'

‘In less than two hours every Great White Bumosaur on Earth will travel to the arseteroid-free future by means of a brown hole time gate,' continued the Great White Bum. ‘Once there, we will create a new world. A world of Great White Bums. I shall be their King, naturally. But what is a King without his Queen? I have travelled across time and space and have never met a Great White Bum as great or as white or as beautiful as you. What do you say? Will you consent to be my bride, my wife and my Queen, to rule alongside me over the greatest Great White Bum empire the univarse has ever known?'

The bum-fighters were gobsmacked.

They'd all learned to expect the unexpected from the Great White Bum, but none of them had expected this.

The Great White Bum was in love.

With Robobum!

T
he bum-fighters had known about the Great White Bum's plan for evacuation, of course, but they hadn't imagined in their wildest dreams that he would fall in love with Robobum. And judging by Robobum's silence, it was clear that neither had she.

‘The Great White Bum's request falls outside mission protocols,' Robobum finally said to Ned. ‘Request suggestion for appropriate response.'

‘Tell him you need some time to think,' said Ned.

‘Time to think about what?!' said Eleanor. ‘Are you out of your mind? Robobum can't get married. Especially not to the Great White Bum!'

‘Calm down, Eleanor,' said Zack. ‘This might be just the break we need.'

‘Zack could be right,' said Ned. ‘It can't hurt to think this through properly. Go ahead, Robobum.'

‘Thank you, Great White Bum, for your kind offer,' said Robobum. ‘I am honoured, and flattered, of course. But it is such a big decision to make so quickly. Do you mind if I have a few moments alone to think about it?'

‘What is there to think about?' said the Great White Bum. ‘You won't find a bum greater or whiter than me! And certainly not in the time remaining on this planet.'

‘I know,' said Robobum. ‘But it's all very sudden, and I'd just like to be sure, that's all.'

‘I understand,' said the Great White Bum. ‘But we don't have much time. I shall return in five minutes for your answer.'

‘Thank you,' said Robobum.

The bum-fighters watched the Great White Bum walk towards the canyon and stand with his back turned to them.

‘Well?' said Ned. ‘What do you think?'

‘I say we play for time,' said Zack. ‘The longer we can stall and keep the Great White Bum here, the more likely it is that the arseteroid will hit before he can begin the evacuation.'

‘Good plan,' said Ned. ‘What do you think, Eleanor?'

‘I've got a better idea,' she replied quietly. ‘We've got the Great White Bum in front of us. On the edge of a canyon. Unsuspecting and completely helpless. I say we fire Robobum's nuclear wart-head and blast him right over the edge. By the time the Great White Bum realises what's happened he will be splattered all over the rocks at the bottom and he will never trouble us—or the univarse—ever again.'

Ned nodded. ‘That sounds like a good plan, too.'

‘I don't think so,' said the Mutant Spew Lord.

‘Nobody asked you,' said Eleanor.

‘Eleanor, I understand your attitude,' said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘But as I sacrificed my life for you—and the cause—I think I have the right to at least be heard.'

‘He does have a point,' said Zack.

Eleanor glared at Zack. Then she glared at the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘Whatever,' she shrugged.

‘Thank you,' said the Mutant Spew Lord, the fingers on his remaining arm trembling slightly. ‘I merely wanted to make the point that violence has never worked against the Great White Bum. We all know he is a freak. He's survived a bumcano blast and an interplanetary head-on collision. I tell you, the Great White Bum is indestructible and if you think that a mere fall into a canyon will finish him off, you could be throwing away the best chance we've ever had of ridding the univarse of this menace once and for all.'

‘Which is?' said Eleanor.

‘Play for time, as Zack suggests,' said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘But don't stay here. Go back with him to the Crack of Doom and make sure he is directly underneath the arseteroid when it hits. Use the nuclear wart-head to immobilise him, by all means, but don't rely on it to destroy him. Let the arseteroid take care of him. This is an arseteroid—you will remember—that is responsible for one of the greatest mass extinctions of all time. If that doesn't finish him off then nothing will. But at least we will have given it our best possible shot. Anything less would be doing a disservice to what is—whether you like to admit it or not—a very
worthy
adversary.'

Eleanor shook her head. ‘There's nothing worthy about the Great White Bum,' she said. ‘I don't care how indestructible he is or if he does give legless bumantula abdomens to his girlfriends. There's not a single redeeming bone in his horrible detestable flabby cheeks.'

‘Bums don't have
any
bones,' said Zack's bum.

‘Shut up!' said Eleanor. ‘I'm
still
not speaking to you.'

‘I think the Mutant Spew Lord has a good point, though,' said Zack. ‘Remember how our attempt to destroy the newborn Great White Bum backfired?'

‘
Your
attempt,' she said. ‘A Great White Bum in the hand is worth millions of Great White Bums at the Crack of Doom. I say we nuclear wart-head him into oblivion right now. While we still can.'

‘They are all good plans,' said Ned. ‘But much as it pains me to say it, I agree with the Mutant Spew Lord. It's the only absolutely guaranteed way we have of destroying the Great White Bum—not just for now, but for all time.'

‘I agree,' said Zack.

‘Me too,' said Zack's bum.

‘Looks like I'm outvoted,' said Eleanor. ‘I just hope you all know what you're doing.'

T
he Great White Bum turned and walked back towards Robobum. ‘So, my dear, what is your decision?' he said. ‘Will you be my bride?'

‘What should I tell him?' said Robobum, internally.

‘Accept,' said Eleanor, ‘but insist on a wedding
before
you leave.'

‘Good thinking, Eleanor!' said Ned.

‘I accept your offer of marriage,' said Robobum. ‘But my honour requires that we marry before we depart for our new kingdom.'