Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (2 page)

Z
ack wiped.

He wiped hard.

He wiped fast.

He wiped harder and faster than he'd ever wiped before.

He wiped out a clear space around his head, opened his mouth and took a deep breath. Sure, it was bad air, but it was a lot better than
no
air.

Feeling stronger and more hopeful, Zack gripped the certificate with both hands and began the powerful scoop-wipe that he'd learnt at the Academy. At the same time he began to kick his feet. It was hard work, but it allowed him to begin tunnelling slowly through the blob.

He still didn't know where he was going, but at least he was going somewhere.

He'd been tunnelling for only a few minutes when he felt a small soft shape moving in front of him.

Although he couldn't see anything in the pitch-brown, Zack could feel that the shape was in fact a small hand.

Zack recognised it immediately. He reached forwards and pulled the hand—and its owner—into his tunnel.

‘There you are!' said Zack to his bum. ‘I thought I'd lost you!'

‘Zack?' it said in a small voice. ‘What happened? Where are we?'

‘A giant brown blob fell out of the sky,' said Zack. ‘That's what happened. And we're trapped inside it.'

‘It wasn't my fault!' said Zack's bum. ‘I didn't do it! I swear!'

‘Calm down,' said Zack. ‘I know you didn't.'

‘Are we going to die?' said his bum.

‘Not if I can help it,' said Zack.

‘Great,' said his bum. ‘So we ARE going to die!'

Zack was beginning to wish that he hadn't found his bum. He'd forgotten just how annoying it could be.

‘I don't want to die!' screamed his bum. ‘I'm too young!'

‘Then stop complaining and DO something!' said Zack, shaking his bum.

‘What?' it said.

‘That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out,' said Zack. ‘We can keep wiping, but there's no way of telling where we're actually going. We could be going round and round inside this blob forever.'

‘Until we die, you mean,' said his bum.

‘That's enough!' said Zack. ‘You're not helping, you know!'

‘Sorry,' said his bum.

But deep down Zack wondered if his bum was right.

He'd wiped and wiped and wiped and there was still no sign of a way out.

‘Zack?' said his bum, in a brighter voice. ‘Remember when we got caught in the crapalanche?'

‘Yes,' said Zack.

‘We thought we were going to die then, too, didn't we?' said his bum. ‘But we didn't.'

‘Actually, we
did
,' said Zack gloomily. ‘We went over the Brown River sewagefall. We were crushed to death on the rocks, remember?'

‘Oh yeah,' said his bum. ‘That's right . . . but that wasn't
real
—it was in the bum-fighting simulator. And we only went over the falls because the Kicker accidentally set the difficulty level on the training program too high. And anyway, what about the brown hole? That
was
real and we got sucked into that and didn't die.'

‘I'm not sure about that,' said Zack.

‘Not sure about what?' said his bum. ‘Not sure that the brown hole was real?'

‘No,' said Zack, ‘I'm not sure that we survived. I think there's a strong possibility that we died and went to hell . . .
and this is it
!'

‘That's not funny, Zack,' said his bum.

‘I'm not trying to be funny,' said Zack. ‘Even if we do get out, what would be the point? We'll probably just get squashed by another giant brown blob. I thought that after everything we've been through, and everything we've done, the Earth would finally be safe. I was wrong. I now see there's no end to it . . . and there never will be.'

‘S
o that's it?' said Zack's bum. ‘You're giving up?'

‘I'm not giving up,' said Zack. ‘I'm just accepting reality.'

‘What about your parents?' said his bum. ‘And Eleanor, and Silas Sterne and the Smacker and the Kicker? You're just going to abandon them?'

Zack shrugged. ‘I already saved them all,' he said. ‘Twice! It's their turn to save me. If they're alive, that is.'

‘Zack,' said his bum, ‘do you still have the medal and the certificate they gave you at your graduation?'

‘Yes,' Zack said.

‘You don't deserve them,' said his bum.

‘What do you mean?' said Zack. ‘I
earned
them.'

‘You really believe that?' said his bum. ‘You know as well as I do that they only gave them to you because they felt sorry for you.'

‘Shut up,' said Zack.

‘It's true!' said his bum. ‘They all laugh at you behind your back. Face facts, Zack. You're a total loser. And you always have been. You can't even control me, your own bum, let alone save the world!'

‘Do you want an atomic power punch?' said Zack. ‘Because you're heading the right way to get one.'

‘Oooh, don't scare me,' said his bum.

Despite the pitch-brownness, Zack saw red.
Things were bad enough without having to put up with being taunted by a bum. Especially his own. He was going to teach it some respect, even if it was the last thing he did—which, by the way things were looking, it probably would be. He drew back his fist and let fly.

WHAM!

‘Didn't even hurt!' said his bum.

Zack atomic-power-punched it again—this time with both fists.

POW!

The force of the punch sent his bum deep into the brown murk of the blob.

‘Call that a double-handed atomic power punch?' said his bum's muffled voice. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself. Didn't they teach you anything at the Bum-fighting Academy?'

Zack launched himself forwards and set upon his bum with a bloodcurdling yell. ‘This is all your fault!' he screamed.

Zack punched.

Zack smacked.

Zack kicked.

Zack pinched.

Zack punched and smacked and kicked and pinched his bum with all the atomic bum-punching bum-smacking bum-kicking bum-pinching force that he could muster.

With every blow they travelled further and further through the blob.

Zack was still punching and smacking and kicking and pinching a few minutes later when he and his
bum broke through the thick, dried outer crust of the giant brown blob, and rolled onto the ground.

Z
ack lay on the ground blinking against the brightness of the day. He was caked with brown blob-sludge. The stench was awful.

‘Haven't you two got better things to do than fight at a time like this?' said a voice.

But before Zack could reply—or even stand up—he felt a cold blast of water hit his body. He rolled around on the ground, helpless against the force of the icy torrent.

Finally, just when Zack felt he couldn't possibly get any colder or wetter, the water stopped.

As he lay there shivering, he saw a pair of boots step in front of his face. They were covered in sludge from the blob.

‘Well, don't just lie there!' said their owner. ‘Get up and give me a hand!'

‘Eleanor?' said Zack, wiping water from his eyes.

‘No, it's the Easter bunny!' said Eleanor. ‘Who do you think?'

‘You're not going to hose me again, are you?' said Zack, getting to his knees.

‘I will if you don't hurry up,' said Eleanor, still pointing the emergency bum-fighting hose at him. ‘Come on! There are people dying in there!'

‘But how did
you
get out?' said Zack.

‘Anti-giant-brown-blob spray,' said Eleanor, producing a small can from her bum-fighting utility belt. ‘I never leave home without it!'

‘Nobody told
me
about that,' said Zack.

‘You didn't ask,' said Eleanor.

‘I didn't even
know
about giant brown blobs!' said Zack.

‘Well, you do now,' said Eleanor, waving her hose at the blob in front of them. ‘But what you probably
don't
know is that they set hard in less than an hour. We've got to get everybody out before it's too late!'

‘He'll be no use,' said Zack's bum, shivering from the same water treatment Zack had got. ‘He's hopeless.'

Zack bent down, picked up his bum and cradled it gently in his arms. ‘Shhhh,' he said. ‘It's okay. I know you just said all those things to get me mad enough to punch our way out of the blob. But you can stop now. We're out!'

‘I meant every word, you bum-fighting wannabe!' said his bum, still punch-drunk from the beating.

‘We haven't got time for this!' said Eleanor, thrusting a shovel into Zack's hand. ‘You can sort this out later. Meanwhile, we have people to save! Including your mother and father!'

Zack stared at the shovel and felt sick. Compared to the blob, the shovel seemed no bigger than a teaspoon.

There was no point even starting.

But he couldn't let his parents die!

Not when he was just getting to
really
know them. He'd always believed that they played in the wind section of a symphony orchestra that toured all over the world. He'd had no idea it was a cover for their real work as top secret bum-fighting agents. And he sure hadn't gone to all the trouble of travelling to Uranus and back to rescue them just to lose them to a stupid brown blob.

Zack attacked the blob with his shovel.

Eleanor blasted the blob with her hose.

But it was tough going.

After ten minutes Zack was exhausted. The blob seemed to be setting harder with every passing moment. He rested on his shovel, panting. The hole he'd made in the blob was pathetically small. ‘It's no use,' he said.

‘Keep digging!' said Eleanor. ‘We have to try!'

‘It's impossible,' said Zack.

‘Give me one good reason
why,
' said Eleanor.

‘How about that one right behind you?' said Zack's bum.

Zack and Eleanor turned around slowly.

And gasped.

T
here, towering over Zack and Eleanor, was the Great White Bum, the most evil and ruthless bum in the entire history of the world.

Zack felt his heart pounding.

There it stood. Two enormous white cheeks of pure menace—dedicated to nothing less than the downfall of humanity—propped up by two skinny white legs.

‘But that's impossible!' whispered Eleanor. ‘The Great White Bum was sucked into the brown hole!'

‘So were we,' said Zack. ‘But you know what? I don't think it
is
the Great White Bum.'

‘Of course it is,' said Eleanor. ‘I'd know those cheeks anywhere.'

‘So would I,' said Zack, ‘but those cheeks have no burn marks. No scars. No harpoon wounds.'

‘Um, Zack?' said Zack's bum.

‘Not now,' said Zack.

‘Yes,
right now
!' said Zack's bum. ‘Look behind you.'

Hardly daring to take their eyes off the Great White Bum, Zack and Eleanor nevertheless turned around slowly to see something that neither of them could believe.

Another
Great White Bum!

‘
Two
Great White Bums?' said Zack, looking from one to the other rapidly. ‘But I thought there was only
one.
'

‘Three to be precise,' said Zack's bum, as a shadow passed over them. ‘Look to your right.'

Zack and Eleanor, almost beyond shock now, looked to their right. There, sure enough, blocking out the sun, was a third Great White Bum.

Nobody said anything.

They didn't know what
to
say.

Zack's bum broke the silence. ‘Actually, better make that four all-up,' it said, ‘look to your left!'

Zack and Eleanor did not want to look to their left. But look to their left they did, to see a fourth Great White Bum approaching them.

The two bum-fighters now stood back to back and turned slowly as they watched Great White Bums advancing on them from all sides.

The ground was shaking.

Zack's bum leapt into his arms. It was shaking even harder than the ground.

‘What do you think this means?' said Zack, trembling in spite of the fact that he was a fully qualified bum-fighter with a special medal for excellence in simulated bum-fighting.

‘Well,' said Eleanor, ‘I'm just guessing, but I'd say it means we've got a bum-fight on our hands.'

‘Y
ou've got to be joking, Eleanor!' said Zack, as the Great White Bums closed in on them. ‘We can't possibly fight
four
Great White Bums!'

‘Well, what do you suggest we do?' said Eleanor. ‘The hokey pokey?'

‘It worked on the zombie bums,' said Zack.

Eleanor rolled her eyes and stepped forwards. ‘Which one of you is the Great White Bum?' she shouted at the bums.

‘Here!' boomed the Great White Bum directly in front of her. ‘I'm the Great White Bum.'

‘No, I'm greater than you,' said the Great White Bum to her left.

‘But I'm the greatest!' said the Great White Bum to her right.

‘No, I'm greater than the greatest!' insisted the fourth.

Zack tried to block his nose. The gales of methane emitted as the four Great White Bums argued amongst themselves were almost worse than the stench of the giant brown blob.

‘That's enough!' yelled Eleanor ferociously. ‘I'm not in the mood for this.'

The four Great White Bums stopped their argument immediately. Even Zack felt scared. Eleanor was pretty frightening when she was angry. Even if you
were a Great White Bum. Even if you were greater than the greatest of the Great White Bums.