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Authors: Edmund Crispin

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‘And I should like,' he told Myra, ‘to be allowed to sleep on till ten tomorrow morning.'
At this, to his mystification, Myra laughed very happily, and, controlling herself at length, said: ‘Very well, my dear: good night,' and tripped gracefully from the room, leaving him theorizing gloomily about what her unexpected reaction might mean.
There remained, for that evening, only one further incident which interested him. His visit to the bathroom gave him a glimpse of someone who was vaguely familiar – a thin, auburn-haired man of about his own age whom he saw vanishing in a dressing-gown into one of the other bedrooms. But the association which was so certainly in his mind refused to reveal itself, and though he pondered the problem while getting into bed, he soon abandoned it for lack of inspiration, and by the time the church clock struck midnight was sound asleep.
CHAPTER 3
H
E
was horribly awakened, in what seemed about ten minutes, by an outbreak of intensive hammering somewhere in the regions below.
He groped for his watch, focused his eyes with difficulty on its dial, and perceived that the time was only seven. Outside the bedroom windows the sun was shining brilliantly. Fen eyed it with displeasure. He was temperamentally a late riser, and the panache of virgin daylight made little appeal to him.
Meanwhile, the noise below was increasing in volume and variety, as if fresh recruits were arriving momently. And now it became clear to Fen's fuddled mind that in this lay probably the reason both for Diana's gnomic warning and for Myra's irrepressible hilarity of the previous evening, when he had said he wished to sleep late. He uttered a groan of dismay.
It acted like a signal.
There came a tap on his door, and in response to his croak of invitation a girl entered so superlatively beautiful that Fen began to wonder if he were dreaming.
The girl was a natural platinum blonde. Her features were flawless. She had a figure like the quintessence of all pin-up girls. And she moved with an unselfconscious and quite unprovocative placidity, which made it evident that – incredible though it might seem – she was quite unaware of her perfections.
With a radiant smile she deposited a tray of tea on the bedside table; left the room, returned presently with his shoes, beautifully polished; smiled at him again; and the next moment, like a fairytale vision – though he could imagine no princess of the Perilous Realm capable of offering her lover such nuptial joys as this–was gone.
Dazed, Fen lit his early-morning cigarette; and the familiar unpleasantness of smoking it restored him to something like normality. He sipped tea and brooded over the hammering, which continued unabated. Soon it was interrupted by a noise which sounded like a very large scaffolding giving way.
Fen got up hurriedly, washed, shaved, dressed, and went downstairs.
The whole household was astir – as unless heavily drugged it could hardly fail to be. Fen found Myra Herbert out in the yard, contemplating a small, greyish, unalluring pig which seemed to be trying to make up its mind how to employ the day.
‘Good morning, my dear,' Myra greeted him brightly. ‘Sleep well?'
‘Up to a point,' said Fen with reserve.
She indicated the pig. ‘Did you ever see anything like him?' she asked.
‘Well, no, now you mention it I don't think I have.'
‘I've been cheated,' said Myra, and the pig grunted, apparently in assent. ‘I like a young pig to be nice and pink, you know, and cheerful-like. But him – my God. I feed him and feed him, but he never grows.'
They meditated jointly on this phenomenon. A passing farm-labourer joined them.
‘'E don't get no bigger, do 'e?' he observed.
‘What's the matter with him, Alf?'
The farm-labourer pondered. ‘'E'm a non-doer,' he diagnosed at last.
‘A what?'
‘Non-doer. You're wasting your time trying to fatten 'im. 'E'll never get no larger. Better sell 'im.'
‘Non-doer,' said Myra with disgust. ‘That's a nice cheerful ruddy thought to start the day with.'
The farm-labourer departed.
‘I'll say this for him, though,' said Myra, referring to the pig, ‘he's very affectionate, which is a point in his favour, I suppose.'
They turned back to the inn. Myra suggested that Fen might now like to have breakfast, and Fen agreed.
‘But what is happening?' he demanded, indicating the hammering.
‘Renovations, my dear. They're renovating the interior.'
‘But workmen never get started as early as this.'
‘Oh, it isn't workmen,' said Myra obscurely. ‘That's to say . . .'
They came to a door in a part of the ground floor with which Fen was not yet acquainted, and from behind which most of the din seemed to be proceeding. ‘Look,' said Myra.
The opening of the door disclosed a dense cloud of plaster dust in which figures could dimly be discerned engaged, to all appearance, in a labour of unqualified destruction. One of these – a man – loomed up at them suddenly, looking like a whitewash victim in a slapstick comedy.
‘'Morning, Myra,' he said with disarming heartiness. ‘Everything all right?'
‘Oh, quite, sir.' Myra was distinctly bland and respectful. ‘This gentleman's staying here, and he wondered what was going on.'
‘Morning to you, sir,' said the man. ‘Hope we didn't get you up too early.'
‘Not a bit,' Fen replied without cordiality.
‘I feel better already' – the man spoke, however, more with determination than with conviction – ‘for getting up at six every morning. . . . It's one of the highroads to health, as I've always said.'
He fell into a violent fit of coughing; his face became red, and then blue. Fen banged him prophylactically between the shoulder-blades.
‘Well, back to the grindstone,' he said when he had recovered a little. ‘I'll tell you this much, sir, there's a good deal to be said, when you want a thing done, for doing it yourself.' Someone caught him a glancing blow on the arm with a small pick. ‘Careful, damn you, that hurt. . . .'
He left them in order to expostulate in more detail. They closed the door and continued on their way.
‘Who was that?' Fen asked.
‘Mr Beaver, who owns the pub. I only manage it for him. He's a wholesale draper, really.'
‘I see,' said Fen, who saw nothing.
‘Have your breakfast now, my dear,' Myra soothed him, ‘and I'll explain later.'
She conducted him to a small room where there was a table laid for three. Here, to his elation, she provided him with bacon, eggs, and coffee.
He had finished these, and come to the marmalade stage, when the door opened and he was surprised to see the fair-haired girl who had been his sole fellow-passenger on the train.
He studied her covertly as she sat down at the table. Though she had neither Diana's fresh, open-air charm nor Myra's vivacity nor his blonde visitant's filmic radiance, she was none the less pretty in a shy, quiet fashion; and her features showed what seemed to be a mingling of two distinct strains. The nose, for instance, was markedly patrician, while by contrast the large mouth hinted at vulgarity; the set of the eyebrows was arrogant but the eyes were timid; and it occurred to Fen, in a burst of rather dreary fancifulness which only the unnaturally early hour can excuse, that if a king were to marry a courtesan, a daughter very much like this might be born to them.
It seemed to him, too, that the girl was nervous, rather as if she were about to face some new and testing experience of which the issue was uncertain. And her clothes confirmed this notion. They were good and tasteful, but something in the way she wore them suggested that they were her cared-for best, that she could not always afford to dress thus, that she was wearing them now – yes, that was it – in the hope of making a good impression.
On whom? Fen wondered. A potential employer, perhaps. Her being here to be interviewed for a coveted job would explain her nervousness plausibly enough. . . .
Or, after all, would it? Somehow he sensed that the testing was to be at once more urgent and more intimate than that.
They talked a little, on conventional topics. Fen asked her if she had heard about the lunatic, and on discovering that she had not, explained the situation to her. However, her responses, though polite and intelligent enough, showed that she was too preoccupied to be very much interested in the subject.
He noted that she watched him steadily whenever he spoke, as if trying to assess his character from his expression. And in the fashion of her own speech there was further matter for surmise, since she pronounced her words in a slightly foreign fashion, which he found himself unable to identify. She was not – to judge from that – German or Italian or French or Dutch or Spanish; nor was there any immingled trace of dialect which might account for the oddity of the effect. Analysed, it came to this, that while her vowel sounds were pure and accurate, there was a very slight tendency to blur and confuse the individual constituents of each group of consonants – labials, gutturals, sibilants. Thus, ‘p' was not entirely distinct from ‘b', nor ‘s' from ‘z'.
Fen discovered that he was incapable of explaining this, and the effect was to make him slightly peevish.
He finished his coffee and looked at his watch. Half past eight. In three hours he had an appointment with his election agent, but until then he was free to do what he pleased. And since the tumult of renovation made ‘The Fish Inn' uninhabitable for long at a time, he decided to go out into the sunshine to inspect his constituency at first hand. He therefore took his leave of the girl, suspecting – though without rancour – that she was not sorry to be rid of him.
Outside the door he encountered Myra, and asked for news of the lunatic.
‘Well, they haven't caught him, my dear,' she said, ‘though the asylum people have been traipsing about the neighbourhood all night.'
‘It actually
was
a lunatic, then?'
‘Oh, yes. I didn't think it was at first. Mrs Hennessy's just the sort of daft old woman to have – what d'you call them? – sexual delusions about naked men jumping out at her in the dark.'
‘But I saw him, too,' Fen pointed out.
Myra's expression suggested that only politeness had prevented her from attributing sexual delusions to Fen also.
‘Anyway, he's real enough,' she said, ‘and they've put out he's harmless, though, of course, they couldn't very well say he was homicidal for fear of creating a panic. And what I say about lunatics is this: they wouldn't be lunatics if you knew what they were going to be up to next.'
With this sombre prognosis she left Fen, informing him parenthetically that the bar would be open at eleven.
He was about to go out when his attention was caught by the inn register, which lay on a table almost at his elbow. Opening it, he found that the girl with whom he had breakfasted was named Jane Persimmons, that she was British, and that she lived at an address in Nottingham. And it struck him that here also he might get enlightenment about the man he had glimpsed the previous evening and whose appearance had seemed vaguely familiar.
He turned back the page and read with some interest the entry immediately preceding his own. It ran:
Major Rawdon Crawley, British, 201 Curzon Street, London
.
‘Good God,' Fen murmured to himself. ‘Either he just doesn't care, or else he imagines that no one in this district has ever read Thackeray. . . . Well, well, it's none of my business, I suppose.'
He noted that the soi-disant Crawley had arrived two days previously, closed the book, and went out into the inn-yard.
There was no cloud in the sky, but a brief shower during the night had mitigated the dust accumulated during weeks of drought, and painted grass, leaves, and hedges, a fresher and more lively green. The non-doing pig was noisily eating potatoes. Fen crossed the yard and came out into the main street of the village.
Before setting out for the district he had studied Ordnance Survey maps, and so he was able to orientate himself fairly easily. The district is an agglomeration of Sanfords, presided over by Sanford Hall, which stands isolated on one of the few eminences which that very level country can claim. Rich pasture extends uninterruptedly almost as far as the Marlock Hills, though here and there you may see little rashes of barley, to which the soil is unsuited, but which protesting farmers have been obliged to put in by ill-informed fiats from the Ministry of Agriculture. The River Spoor, here only twenty miles from its source, meanders amiably between willows and alders, its waters reputedly inimical to fish. It is fed by a small, erratic tributary, very liable to drought, which runs down from a lake in the grounds of Sanford Hall.
Sanford Morvel is the chief town. It has no function except as a market for neighbouring farmers, and this parasitic existence gives it a blustering, unconfident air. Four miles to the south-east of it is Sanford Condover, less a defined community than a fortuitous collection of small farms loosely plastered together by some cottages, a Baptist chapel, and an unsightly pub. Six miles to the south of that is Sanford Angelorum.
A small branch line of the Great Western Railway proceeds reluctantly as far as Sanford Morvel, and an even smaller branch line proceeds even more reluctantly from Sanford Morvel to within two miles of Sanford Angelorum (taking in an almost totally disused halt at Sanford Condover on the way), where it suddenly peters out, the Company, with the optimism engendered by nineteenth-century industrial progress, having built the line thus far on the assumption that the then Lord Sanford would allow them to continue right up to the village. This supposition, however, proved to be mistaken, since the then Lord Sanford was a disciple of William Morris and nourished a fanatical hatred of railways. The station at which Fen had arrived consequently stands, futile and alone, at a place from which no human dwelling is even visible, and though amended laws would now permit the railway to carry out its original project, it has long since lost interest in the matter.

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