Burley Cross Postbox Theft (18 page)

I then became slightly paranoid about advertising these precious wares in public, lest I might inadvertently encourage some thuggish vandal from Shanghai or Beijing to fly over and swipe them! (It’s a delicate balance, I suppose, between one’s natural pride and showing the necessary restraint such circumstances demand.)

For the record, I’ve even considered approaching Taschen – who I know will publish any old rubbish – with the outline for a book on the subject (all proceeds to the BCPC. If only I could actually find the time to throw together a quick proposal for them…).

My third initiative has been to reach out some tentative ‘feelers’ to the local press. I’ve contacted Trevor Ruddle at the
WG
(on the downside, he’s a blathering idiot – as I’m sure you’re only too well aware. On the up, he’s like an eager little puppy – pathetically easy to enthuse, chastise and direct).

I’ve said nothing concrete to him on the subject (as yet), but have endeavoured to tantalize him with a little taster. I also took the liberty of mentioning your name in relation to the issue (I hope you won’t object).

I don’t think there’s any question that publicity is the key, here, but we’ll obviously need to be extremely careful about both our approach
and
our timing. We can’t risk generating an atmosphere of fear or panic – especially among the elderly and more vulnerable segments of the community.

Another factor worth bearing in mind is the serious risk – in the current, fraught political climate – of engendering ‘emotional burn-out’ among members of the public, who, in a place so full of precious heritage as Wharfedale, can sometimes
tend to feel somewhat overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility its general upkeep entails.

On this basis, I think it’s probably for the best if we just sit quietly on the issue over Christmas and then reconvene in the New Year – revitalized and refreshed, with any luck! – to forge a more coherent and detailed plan of action together.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Wishing you all the best of the season, in the meantime.

Yours Sincerely,
Baxter Thorndyke

PS While I have your ear – and bearing in mind your extensive background in Town Planning – I wonder whether I might quickly seek some advice from you about the nefarious activities of one of your constituents, a woman by the name of Beatrix (née ‘Bunny’) Seymour?

She lives at 1 Fa’weather Cottages, on the outskirts of BC (to the due south of the village, if you’re having trouble remembering it).

These cottages, you may well recall, were the main group of properties in BC to be affected by the building of the bypass seven years ago. There are three of them, in total, (although – for the record – I’ve always been a little sceptical about whether they’re even entirely within the BC ‘catchment area’. This is, I must confess, as much an emotional boundary as a geographical one on my part, since they’re situated so far down the moor and aren’t remotely ‘in keeping’ with the architectural atmosphere of the rest of the village).

It recently came to my attention, however (during the course of a small survey I was conducting on behalf of the BCPC), that Bea Seymour has actually undertaken some fairly major renovations to her property over the past eighteen months or so. The chief one of these was the demolition of an old outside toilet and brick wall to the rear of the cottage to make room for the addition of a modest conservatory on the back of the
property (a move that I was unable to oppose in council because, by a cruel twist of fate, I was on an extended vacation to Tibet with my wife, Tammy, when permission was requested – and subsequently granted – for it).

Once the conservatory had been built, the former boundary of the brick wall was not then replaced – or even maintained (as you might imagine it should be) – but the entire area was subsequently cleared (denuded of bushes, borders etc.) and physically ‘opened up’.

By dint of this cunning manoeuvre, Ms Seymour has, effectively,
turned the property around
, i.e. the cottage formerly fronted straight on to the bypass, but she has now planted the – as then was – poky front garden with a thick line of Leylandii (which are already at head height), and seems intent – so far as one can tell – on using the lower reaches of Piper’s Ghyll Road as the
main source of access
to her home!

This access isn’t direct – as yet. Ms Seymour is far too canny for that! She insists that she is now using the tiny back alley that runs to the rear of the three cottages – formerly used only by the refuse disposal services – as her chief means of ingress and egress. This small, dank lane she has named ‘Paradise’ (and has even hung up a sign to this effect!).

I was perfectly astonished when I ventured down there the other week by what an amazing coup our humble Ms Seymour had pulled off (I honestly didn’t think she had it in her)! I promptly consulted a local estate agent (Rick Cullen, from Cullen and Speck) who told me that by suddenly,
effectively
, giving her home direct access to the lower reaches of Piper’s Ghyll Road (one of the most prestigious addresses in BC) she has added a sum of at least £30,000 to the value of her property!

It now seems as though there are moves afoot for the residents of the other two cottages to follow her lead (they’d be foolish
not
to, I suppose!).

I must confess that I find the ‘Paradise’ sign especially infuriating. Not only is the name
utterly inappropriate
to the
location of the property (and the property itself), but it’s completely out of sync with other street names in BC. It simply isn’t kosher (there’s a silly, hippyish, deviant, almost heretical flavour to it). Worse still, it’s a long-held tradition in BC – as you will doubtless already know – that none of the roads (least of all imaginary ones!) have signs on them. That simply isn’t the way we do things here.

I have every reason to believe that Ms Seymour was compensated financially when the bypass was built, so find it doubly irritating that she has now connived to add
extra value
to the price of her ramshackle little abode by dint of completely disregarding local planning regulations etc.

I currently have two council lawyers working on the case. My main objective is to try and find out whether there might be any way to oblige her to return some of the original compensation she was paid, or possibly to force her – at the very least – to take down her silly sign and rebuild the old wall again (back at its original height of seven foot).

Of course you will know (possibly better than anybody) that if one person is seen to be ‘cocking a snook’ at planning regulations in a Conservation Area, then a very dangerous precedent is set, and all manner of breaches are liable to follow.

I mean whatever next, eh? A massage parlour on the High Street? Saxonby Manor turned into a temporary internment centre for asylum-seekers? The village church mysteriously transformed, overnight, into a functioning mosque?! Is
nothing
to be held sacred any more?

I’m sure there must be something that we can do to set right this awful wrong…

Yours, etc.

Baxter

PPS Am reduced to using snail mail due to a pesky virus on the Mac.

A dispatch from the desk of:

Baxter Thorndyke, Cllr
The Old Hall
Burley Cross

20/12/2006

For attn Sergeant Laurence Everill (Skipton) & PC Roger Topping (Ilkley)

Re Manhole cover theft

Gentlemen,

I am writing to you today in my capacity as an elected borough councillor
and
as a concerned – a
very
concerned – member of the Great British Public, about the burgeoning problem of manhole cover theft in the United Kingdom.

It is with a combination of astonishment and dismay that I am obliged to inform you that these apparently insignificant – you might think dreary, even inconsequential – items (a constituent part of every road and high street in the civilized world) have lately become the subject – the focus – of an organized, international crime wave, sponsored by no less an adversary than the Chinese.

If you are, as yet, unfamiliar with this startling phenomenon, do not be dismayed. I am more than happy to fill you in on everything you need to know…

The earliest, recorded cases of this heinous activity were registered approximately three or four years ago in the Far East. The thieves initiated this practice in China itself, then gradually began extending their tentacles into India (I presume certain cities and provinces in the Communist Republic started
predating, like parasites, upon each other, before turning their greedy, pitiless eyes on to greater riches lying slightly further afield).

You may (or may not) be aware that this particular segment of the globe has been industrializing – at an extraordinary rate – over recent years, which (by necessity) has generated a powerful need for basic raw materials (coal, oil, steel). This need is now so immense, so boundless, that certain corrupt individuals within the Chinese establishment are willing to go to any lengths – I repeat:
any
lengths – to acquire the precious resources they so desperately hanker after.

An insignificant hunk of steel – the humble, utterly commonplace and dependable British manhole cover – has now become an essential nutrient in the ravening appetite – and overweening political ambitions – of the Communist Republic.

As I said previously, the earliest known cases of manhole cover theft took place within ‘the belly of the beast’ itself. In 2004 at least eight deaths were reported as a consequence of such thefts in India and China.

Deaths?

Hang on a second
…

You are probably drawing back, startled, as your eyes re-run over those two, stark words. Eight
deaths?!

‘But… but
how
…?’ you stutter.

I’ll tell you how:

The manhole cover might appear to be a piddling, paltry, even meritless object, in principle, but
think
about it, Constables: when one is stolen, what’s left behind is a whopping great hole for any innocent member of the public to tumble into (or drive over – generating horrendous damage to the wheels and bodywork of their vehicle – if the cover has been removed from the road itself).

This is a serious business. Still more serious when you consider how much these covers cost to replace. Steel yourselves,
gentlemen (no pun intended): each individual cover costs
in excess
of £100.

Let me repeat that: in excess of
£100
. And we aren’t talking insignificant numbers here, either. This is a massive, professional operation, a major enterprise. In 2004, over 10,000 manhole covers were stolen from the Indian city of Calcutta in a period of only two months. Do the maths. That’s around about 208 covers
per night
.

Baffled and infuriated by these thefts, the Indian authorities in that benighted slum replaced the steel covers with concrete ones, but were then appalled when these, too, were stolen – for the iron rods
within
the concrete!

Of course (I can hear you reasoning – and quite rightly) it is
illegal
for scrap dealers within the boundaries of the EU to purchase MHCs (Manhole covers).

Oh yes, it’s illegal all right, but – trust me – it sure as hell still happens. And anyway, the Chinese are just as likely to ship the stolen covers back to China on a cargo vessel and melt them down secretly there.

An Important Question:

Why do I consider Wharfedale to be under special threat?

Here’s the answer:

Most MHC theft started off in London (in Newham, east London, over 200 grates and covers were stolen during 2004 -93 of these
in just one week)
.

Since this time, MHCs have been taken, in considerable quantities, from places as far afield as Gloucester, Powys, Aberdeen and Fife (a batch of approximately 13 were stolen in Alness, but given that this was during a phase of snowy weather, the general consensus is that these may have been lifted by irresponsible locals to be employed as sledges).

The point I’m trying to make here is that Bradford, Leeds, and the outlying areas currently represent an immaculate – a pristine – hunting ground for these plucky, ruthless and
tenacious Chinese thieves. Look at the map (enclosed): we lie
right in the middle
of their former targets. We are ripe for the plucking – a virgin patch!

So what the hell are we meant to do about all this?

I’ll tell you what: keep our noses to the ground and our eyes peeled. That, and spread the word: get the general public on board. Get them involved. Warn them, prime them, prepare them for what lies ahead.

Let’s
educate
, Constables,
together
. A campaign in schools and colleges (I’m more than happy to play my part, here), supported by the distribution of some well-designed posters and leaflets, followed by a media blitz, featuring some on-the-spot reports in local radio and television news programmes, articles and opinion pieces in the local paper…

What people don’t know – and what you yourselves may not yet realize – is that MHCs ‘offer living testimony to the industrial artistry of the second half of the nineteenth century’ (cf. Wikipedia under Manhole Cover Theft). These objects can be beautiful (see enclosed photographs – copyright BT), they aren’t just ‘hunks of metal’ but precious little pieces of our social history, and, as such, are not just priceless, but utterly irreplaceable.

Those thieving Reds need to be stopped in their tracks!

One final question (and it’s a tough one):

Do you two gentlemen have the
balls
for the job?

Wel
l?

BT

PS Sergeant Everill. Further to our conversation in early Sept. re the BCPTW’s ‘August Initiative’. You didn’t seem to take our endeavours terribly seriously when I initially approached you, but it may be of some interest to you to discover that our website is soon about to feature photographs of (and car
registration details belonging to) a notable member of the Bingley Constabulary. Off duty, naturally… Fancy a little chin-wag about it?