Burning Intensity (4 page)

Well-worn tracksuit pants had slid low on his hips. Only the fact that they were extremely baggy hid what she suspected would be a morning erection. The thin trail of hair ran in an enticing, delicious line from his navel, down the smooth line of his flat belly, daring her to lick along it and find the treasure at its base. She’d done exactly that in the past, and lust burned through her, tempting her to repeat the experience.

A surprised sound, part grunt, part gasp, came from James.

El’s gaze snapped back up and their eyes met. James looked shocked, almost as if he’d woken from a dream.

“Well, shit,” he cursed. He stepped back and slammed the door shut in her face.

El blinked, caught somewhere between annoyance and laughter.

Apparently she wasn’t the only one off balance. Seeing James again, the intoxication of having his mostly naked body so close and yet still utterly out of reach, had jumbled her every sense. The door was again wrenched open and James stood before her once more, blinking as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

She sadly noticed that he’d tugged his pants up and slipped on a large, old T-shirt. El privately admitted she’d hoped to see more of his body. The fact that her desire could have a bent for the masochistic was shocking. She couldn’t think of a more bizarre form of self-inflicted torture, lusting after what was out of her reach.

James crossed his arms and peered down the street. Owing to Rob’s height, he was still visible. Rob turned, as if he could feel their gaze on him. El chuckled as Rob caught her glance and raised his hand. He sketched them a cheery wave.

“He’s giving us space?” James asked.

El nodded. “Appears to be.”

El found herself shifting from foot to foot, then forced herself to stop. The silence between them was charged, not just with latent, powerful sexual chemistry—for that had always lain between them—but also with the weight of things unsaid, and words that had been exchanged, promises made the last time they’d been together.

It was completely uncharacteristic for her to shy away from speech, from doing what was right, necessary. Yet pain lurked beneath the surface between them. Hurt, rejection and a whole host of other complicated emotions swirled and built up.

El decided the longer she put this off, the harder and more devastating it could be. In truth, she’d already put it off months longer than she should have.

Never in the past had she taken the coward’s route, the easy way out. The only result of those actions had been to postpone the pain and make it worse. She needed to make this right. Things mightn’t be the same between them, but she would not use James. She couldn’t bear to have him question her intentions, to lay that sin at her door with the others.

El met his gaze, relishing the warmth in those blue eyes, despite the pain and confusion also clear in his face.

“I’m actually here to ask for help. Something’s come up and… But now I’m here… Well…” she struggled.

James waited patiently, his features not betraying much. He seemed willing to hear her out, but not inclined to help her or to make this easier than necessary.

Since she was the one in the wrong here, she couldn’t fault him for that.

El straightened her shoulders, took a deep breath and steadied herself. She held his gaze, opening herself unflinchingly to him.

“I’ve been wrong, and I owe you an apology for that. Can I come in, please? So we can talk?”

“About work?”

“That too, but first I can try and explain.”

“I’ve always listened to you,” James said slowly, seeming to measure his words before he spoke them. “And since you’re being honest, I can be so too. I’m angry, and upset, but I’m also interested in why you never called. I’ve not known you to go back on your word, but… Okay, come on in. Let’s do this inside.”

James stepped back and held the door open for her.

She shouldn’t have been surprised, but his flat had changed very little in the last few months. A large, open plan space made the tiny flat appear roomier than many others of its kind. A small kitchenette took up one corner, with a large window that let the sun shine in and was home to a number of small pots of various herbs. Cleaned dishes had dried in their rack overnight and, while not spotless, the main living area was clean.

James silently led her over to the long couch, pushing the low coffee table far against the wall to give them both more leg space. Framed prints hung on the walls and gave color to the atmosphere.

“You haven’t changed a lot in here,” El said as she removed her jacket, folded it and placed it out of the way on the table.

James sat, a small smile on his face. “I haven’t put the crown jewels on display yet, no.”

El chuckled, reminded of how easily they had teased each other despite their differences. “You’ve never been the flamboyant kind, not privately at least.”

“I’m devastated,” James mocked her, a palm pressed dramatically to his chest. “Would it be easier if I act more the part of the arrogant, playboy thief for you? I can offer you a tour of my etchings? Invite you into the back room where I have all manner of priceless art, jewels and sculptures stashed away? Since we’re such good friends I won’t even ask for a warrant. You can arrest me. We’ve always had a penchant for playing cops and robbers.”

This time El did laugh. The truth in his words both stung and comforted in their familiarity.

“You’ve not complained about my interrogation techniques before,” she replied lightly as she sat, her legs angled to the side so they faced each other. James’ gaze sharpened and the teasing, relaxed manner stiffened.

Once again unspoken, leaden sentences remained heavy in the air. James’ mouth thinned as he pressed his lips together. “No, I never complained. But then, it was your lack of words that hurt me. You never called.”

El fluttered her eyes closed. She could hear the weight in what he said, the depth of feeling clear behind each syllable.

Opening her eyes, El frowned. “I didn’t mean to cause you pain. I know that doesn’t help, but it’s the truth. All of this, the feeling of betrayal, it was the last thing I wanted.”

“You promised to call and I believed you. When you said it was complicated, that it would take time to sort out, that didn’t bother me. I understand a lot of what you do has a forest of non-disclosure statements attached to it. That’s part of the package that comes with you and something I can accept. Do you know how stupid I felt, rushing home every night to check my messages, hoping and being deflated day after day? I always thought people who stuck close to the phone, moping because a lover didn’t call them, were pathetic. I have a healthy amount of sympathy for them now.”

James looked up and their gazes met. El didn’t turn away or flinch as he finished, His pain was clear to see, both in his features and within his speech. She waited a moment when he was done, assimilating everything he’d showed her, but also probing her own heart. She promised herself she wouldn’t hurt him again, not if she could possibly help it.

If that meant she needed to walk away, regardless of the price she’d pay for that action, she would. James already knew the bare basics of her work. He was aware that she was employed by an agency of the government to investigate people and situations the police and other, more public faces couldn’t sully themselves with. James’ connections with many gray area artists, business people and the fringe elements of higher society had drawn them together on a previous case.

The fact that she’d discovered he had a wide range of skills as a thief, that he had knowledge of security systems and how to get around them, had only deepened her interest in him. After almost a month of dancing around each other—physically and verbally—they’d fallen into bed together, and El had found her heart on the brink of being stolen by his fast, slick, delicate and talented hands. James thrilled and scared her on many levels. Their passion and lust burned with an intensity she’d never experienced before. Being with him, the intimacy of their growing relationship was akin to being in a free fall.

Powerful, terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

James was addictive, but the complexities woven between them made her feel like she had lost her mind to open herself to him.

But he was a trustworthy man. El never doubted that for a moment.

James was a gentleman to his core. When he gave his word, he stuck to it no matter what the cost.

She needed to be honest with him—or as open as she could be.

El shifted closer to him on the couch, so their knees were only a few inches apart. Folding her hands in her lap, she then linked her fingers, her gaze down but unfocused. She collected her thoughts, took a deep breath and lifted her face. Meeting his gaze, opening herself as much as possible, she groped for the words to explain without breaking her promise to the Agency and telling him too much.

“You know I was messaged and then called in that afternoon. It was my day off, but I knew something big was going down. My team leader added in a code word to the text he sent. A single word can’t come close to explaining the complexities of what was really happening, but it indicated there’d been an internal betrayal, a traitor. I’d heard murmurs already, but still I was shocked by the messy web we’d been dragged into.”

El tightened her fingers together as she recalled the nightmare of paperwork, distrust amongst colleagues, and the level of paranoia for months that had skyrocketed almost out of control. Spies were naturally cautious creatures—they didn’t live, otherwise—but knowing one of their own had been actively causing them harm, betraying them, had sent out waves of repercussion that still were not fully healed.

She genuinely believed that the worst had passed, but the actions of a few horrible people had left scars, both on the Agency, the managers and particularly the good men and women who worked there.

“Rob and I are often called in once a mission has gone to shit, we’re used to that. But this was far above and beyond anything we usually come across. It also wasn’t just us. There were teams of agents pulled together.” El pressed her fingers between her eyes, massaged the bridge of her nose. She could almost feel the headache she’d had for weeks back then. “We were on shifts, sleeping for a few hours at a time on cots in the locker room… I could go on if you need, but you get the idea. At first I thought it would be a week, maybe two tops to get everything under control. But it was longer than that, and so much more complicated.”

“I knew you were facing a crisis,” James assured her.

El slumped her shoulders down. She could feel the warmth in his tone, sense the tenderness from the soft way he looked at her.

“I was prepared to wait, I told you that. You’re worth every moment, Eleanor.”

“It was almost two months before the reports were written,” she continued. El cleared her throat, embarrassed at how husky her voice sounded. She blinked hard, swore it wasn’t tears at his compassion but just an eyelash, maybe. “If I’d known how convoluted it would all be, how the days would blur and weeks would fly by, I’d have sent a message, texted you, done something to indicate it would be far worse than I’d ever have imagined. But by the time my brain cleared and I glanced around, it had been so long. When I thought of how you’d have been waiting, every day far slower and longer than it had been for me…”

El shook her head.

“I threw myself into the meetings—and trust me, you don’t want me to start explaining what those were like. Endless. Painstaking. A nightmare in and of themselves. I kept telling myself you wouldn’t have waited, or that you would have called me. Anything to sop the guilt and loneliness I felt with your absence.”

“You told me not to call,” James replied with a frown.

El reached out a hand, took his in hers.

“I know, I didn’t mean I blamed you. Nor was this all some elaborate ploy for you to prove yourself to me, I promise. But I needed to rationalize my actions. It was so long, it felt like I was so late… Like I’d missed my chance. Besides, by then I was at the stage where the longer I put it off, the harder the mere thought of reconnecting with you became.”

She swallowed, then licked her lips. El was nervous, but determined to be brutally honest and explain her actions as best she could.

“It was easier for me to focus on contingencies at work, on helping plug the leaks that we’d found from the traitor’s deception. I wanted— No, I
needed
to help other agents who were in deep cover, give them any assistance they needed in solidifying their position. There was an endless amount of work to do, and hard as that was, it wasn’t as emotional as picking up the phone and asking you to meet me for coffee.”

“You were afraid I’d moved on?” James asked. He’d lifted an eyebrow at her.

El didn’t know whether he was teasing her or couldn’t believe her, but at least he didn’t seem upset. She smiled at him, squeezed his hand gently.

“We hadn’t made promises to one another. It’s not like we were engaged or promised. But…”
Honesty,
she reminded herself, difficult as it was. She scrunched her face a little, forcing herself to bare her soul. James deserved it, was worth it. “I was afraid you’d reject me, lash out in anger. I honestly didn’t mean to leave you hanging, to hurt you. But I couldn’t have blamed you for being bitter or furious either. You had every right to demand answers or rail at me. I care about you. I feel vulnerable, exposed when you get that hot look in your eye. This passion between us, it was never casual to me. To have you angry or dismissive of me could tear strips from my heart. Again, it was easier to just keep pushing forward and work, work, work.”

James shifted slightly. Whether on purpose or not, El couldn’t help but be thrilled when he touched his knees against hers. He squeezed his fingers around hers. El’s heart raced. This was the first positive indication she’d had from him. Her cheeks flushed warmly, her pale skin betraying the rise in her spirits and temperature.

“Is it over?” he asked, his tone husky.

El grimaced, shrugged a shoulder.

“We’ve contained the damage as much as possible. Waldron—” she caught herself, reminded that she needed to be careful of how close she pushed to the line of breaking her confidentiality agreement. She thought for a second, then continued. “My team leader, Waldron, put Rob and me back on other tasks about six weeks ago. The Agency is still trying to recover, not just emotionally but also from the mammoth proportion of the breach. We lost some agents, and I was friendly with a few of them. Everyone seems to know someone who was compromised. There are also quite a few gaps in intel that we’ve lost and can’t account for. Stuff like that. The bulk of the clean-up is finished and the board’s discussing countermeasures. For most of us, though, we’re back to business. Battered and bruised, but back.”