But Inside I'm Screaming (22 page)

“I
s there anyone who would like to come sit in this chair and start group off tonight?” Larry addresses the group as he paces. “We haven’t done this in a while…have someone actually sit in the chair. Any volunteers tonight or shall I pick someone?”

Ben raises his hand.

“Yes? Ben, would you like to sit here?” Larry motions to the chair.

“Um, no. Actually I was wondering why we aren’t starting with introductions? We haven’t done that in a while, either, and I was just wondering why. I like that part of group. Why can’t we start that way?”

“Ben, we all know each other now so it’s not necessary. We usually go around the group if there’s a newcomer. I hear that you enjoy it so maybe we can do it once in a while. Why don’t we quickly go around the room and say our names. Why don’t you start?”

“Hi, my name is Ben,” he says with pride.

“I’m Melanie,” “I’m Isabel,” “Regina,” “Cindy.” Sukanya does not introduce herself.

“Okay, good. Who’s in the chair? Who has something they would like to bring up—”

“Larry?” Regina squeaks and then clears her throat to begin again. “I have something I want to bring up with the group.”

“Come on down.” Larry’s Bob Barker imitation embarrasses Isabel.

“It’s about Keisha,” Regina says.

Isabel sits bolt upright and blurts out, “What about Keisha?”

Larry seems interested, too. “Go ahead, Regina.”

“I want the group to know that she’s doing well. I don’t know if anyone knew this or not but Keisha was facing some, ah, legal problems when she left here. She’s overcome those
problems
and is doing really well now. It’s not talking out of school to tell the group this since she’s not in our group anymore, right?”

“It’s okay to let the group know about Keisha’s good fortune outside of the hospital,” Larry answers. “It’s always good to hear about progress toward wellness. If anyone wishes to talk further to Regina about Keisha, why don’t you all do that after group. Who’d like to go next? Melanie?”

As Melanie gets up to sit in the chair, Isabel’s mind races with thoughts of Keisha.

She checks her watch.

God! Time is dragging by. This is going to take forever.

“Elwin’s at his wit’s end with me…” Melanie is crying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…and your parents-in-law hate you…get some new material Melanie.

“…then my mother-in-law told me I wasn’t good enough for her son,” Melanie continues.

Isabel looks at her watch again.

It’s only been ten minutes. Will this ever end?

“…and what’s so weird about the mattresses is that I cannot believe it’s taken me this long to see that the nurses have it in for me,” Melanie sobs.

“Regina? Could I talk to you for a minute about Keisha?” Isabel is so eager for the rest of Keisha’s story she practically tackles Regina on the way out of group.

“Sure,” Regina says as she allows herself to be led toward the smoking porch, even though she does not smoke. Isabel knows it is selfish, but she is dying for a cigarette.

“It’s great news, isn’t it?” Regina asks politely while Isabel hunches over the wall lighter.

“Yeah,” Isabel says through her teeth, still trying to light up. “Now, back up and tell me everything.”

Regina hesitates. “How much do you know about what was going on with her when she left here?”

“I was there when they arrested her, Regina,” Isabel replies impatiently. “I know about her nephew.”

Regina is relieved. “Okay. Well, my husband’s a cop and he told me about this because he’d seen Keisha here when he visited and knew I was friendly with her. You know how she was accused of killing her nephew after she was raped—”

“Yeah? What happened?”

“I guess her lawyer was really good and got all this evidence together that showed that the guys who raped Keisha were the ones that killed the baby. My husband says they left their fingerprints all over everything and that the cops who arrested Keisha in the first place were incompetent assholes, if you’ll excuse the expression.” Regina looks embarrassed. “My husband has the dirtiest mouth—working on the job, like he does,” she explains.

“So it didn’t have to go to trial, then?” Isabel looks off into the field as she thinks about how relieved Keisha’s mother must have been.

“Yeah. They dismissed the charges and the guys who raped her are now being charged with murder, too. I guess what goes around comes around, huh?”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Isabel feels a wave of longing. “Your husband hasn’t, by any chance, talked to her, has he?”

“Oh, no. No, he was just keeping track of the case for my benefit. He wasn’t part of that investigation.”

“Maybe I should call her,” Isabel ventures, looking for guidance from Regina.

“I think that sounds like a great idea,” Regina says. “You should call her. You could get her phone number from the nurses, I bet. Sometimes they’re weird about giving that stuff out, but I bet they’d do it for
you.
”

“Why would they do it for me and not for someone else?” Isabel is confused by Regina’s comment.

“You’re not like everybody else, Isabel,” Regina says, blushing slightly. “The nurses’ll give you Keisha’s number because you can be trusted. You’re normal.”

Isabel’s skin tingles at the compliment.

“There’s no such thing as normal, Regina,” she says, believing it for the first time.

“Yeah, well, you’re as close to it as they come,” Regina answers as she rises to return to her room.

Isabel feels a rush of gratitude for this innocent pronouncement. She feels like hugging the shy Regina but knows she will not. She had had little to do with Regina and knows nothing about her. So she calls out to her instead.

“Thank you, Regina.”

In the doorway Regina turns back and their eyes lock.

“Thank you for everything,” Isabel says.

Regina turns and the door shuts behind her. Isabel puts out her cigarette and walks out into the field to enjoy the last minutes of twilight.

“I
keep thinking about Alex and the stuff he used to say to me,” Isabel tells Dr. Seidler the next morning. “It’s weird. Here I am getting ready to go in for this really important meeting at ANN and all I can do is hear Alex’s voice in my head. You’d think I’d be more concerned with my career at this point.”

“Let’s look at that.” Dr. Seidler crosses her legs and settles herself more comfortably. “For starters, what exactly have you been hearing Alex say?”

“All that stuff about how I didn’t deserve the job I had before this one—the reporting job I lost? I think I told you about that. That’s what’s going through my head, over and over. Him telling me I
deserved
to be fired.”

“Interesting,” Dr. Seidler said. “Do you have any idea why this, of all the things Alex said to you, would be the thing that’s getting a lot of play in your mind?”

“I don’t know,” Isabel said. “I can’t figure it out.”

“Might it be because you’re feeling anxious about the ANN meeting, which is—as you described it to me, and correct me if I’m wrong—concerning the possible loss of your job. That, I would imagine, calls up all sorts of feel
ings in you like dread, sadness, even a little relief. But maybe Alex’s words reflect what you are feeling about yourself right now.”

Isabel gives it thought.

“I could be wrong, of course. This is only a theory,” Dr. Seidler continues. “But I do remember you talking about how low your self-esteem was when you met him, so maybe you felt there was some truth to what he was saying. It’s hard, in instances like these, to know which comes first, the chicken or the egg. Your self-esteem was low from the abuse you endured with David—so maybe Alex capitalized on that and, with his verbal and physical abuse, made it worse. Or maybe you were feeling a bit better about yourself but Alex’s words and actions knocked you back to feeling bad again. Why do you think you were drawn to such abusive people?”

“I really don’t know. But how does this relate to the stuff I have going on in my head now?”

“I’m not sure. I think, though, you seem to be on a precipice. This is still an unformed thought so bear with me, but I wonder if you don’t know what to think of yourself. After your relationship with David ended you could have gone either way. You could have found someone the opposite of David, who treated you with respect, someone who showed you only love. Instead, though, you went with Alex, who repeated the patterns of abuse. Maybe Alex confirmed your own self-loathing. In other words, maybe Alex finished the job David started.”

“But how come I have been so attracted to this type of guy?”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t think I do.”

“Let me ask you this, David and Alex—what did they have in common? Besides being hotheaded?”

“Um…”

“Were they intense, would you say?”

“Yes. Very.”

“And your father wasn’t, right? He was intense about his job, no doubt about it. He was even intense about drinking. But about you?”

“Not in the least.”

“Could you have been drawn to that intensity? Could it be that you were craving, starving really, for that kind of attention from a man, since you didn’t get it from your father?”

Silence.

“And now you are again at the end of an abusive relationship and you could go one way or another. You could choose to surround yourself with healthy individuals who respect you, or you could find someone who, just as Alex did, takes advantage of your self-doubt.”

“But I didn’t consciously choose an unhealthy person. Alex seemed like a good, supportive person….”

“Yes, I know. But on some level you had to have seen signs of trouble.”

“You’re saying I brought this on myself?”

“No! I am in no way saying you deserved this, Isabel. No. Instead, what I’m saying is that we all make choices based on how we feel at a certain time. You were unsure of yourself when Alex came along. In essence, he decided for you how to feel about yourself. He is the one who caused the abuse, Isabel…not you. But now you are trying to find yourself once again and it’s very important, at times like these, for you—for everyone—to feel good about yourself, about who you are inside. That will attract good people to you like a magnet. Do you understand?”

“I think so,” Isabel replies softly.

“I see in you a strong, smart, lovely person. You need to see that in yourself. That is key. If you value yourself, no one will trample you again.”

Isabel felt the way she had years ago when she visited a psychic with her mother at a county fair. The astrologer had read her palm and Isabel had fallen into a trance, her hand tickled as the astrologer’s soothing voice washed over her. She rubs her arms and glances at the clock hanging over Dr. Seidler’s desk. Their session has ended.

“I know it’s time for you to go, but do you have any reaction to what I just said to you?”

“I have to absorb it,” Isabel says, not wanting to shake the trance. “It makes sense, I just have to absorb it.”

“Very well. Until next time, then.”

“Until next time.”

“M
rs. Jackson? This is Isabel Murphy, Keisha’s friend?”

“Oh, hello Isabel. How are you, honey?”

“I’m fine, thanks. I heard the great news about Keisha—is she home?”

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Mrs. Jackson sounds elated. “God answered my prayers—He answered my prayers, that’s for sure! Let me go get her—she was just getting ready to go on a job interview…Keisha? Telephone!”

Through the earpiece Isabel hears footsteps approach the phone.

“‘Lo?”

“Keisha?”

Isabel is surprised at how different the breathless voice on the other end of the line sounds.

“Yeah?”

“It’s Isabel. Um, from Three Breezes,” Isabel quickly adds, knowing that a last name will not make a difference. She knows Keisha’s mother was just being polite pretending to know who she is.

“Hey,” Keisha says in slow recognition. “Hey…how you doing? Wow, how’s it going?”

“Fine. I’m fine. I heard the news about you, though—you must be doing great. Congratulations!”

“Thanks. Blew my mind, I’ll tell you what.”

“I bet. I bet.”

What do we talk about now? I shouldn’t have called.

“What about you? Where you calling from?” Keisha asks.

“Huh? Oh. I’m still here—at the hospital.”

“Oh,” Keisha says awkwardly. “How’s it going there? Kristen still there?”

“No. No, she’s not here. I’m probably getting ready to leave soon, too.”

Now I sound defensive.

“Great!” Keisha sounds relieved to have something to congratulate Isabel for.

“Well,” Isabel says in a tone that signals the end of the conversation. “I just wanted to call and say congratulations. I’m really glad for you.”
Say something more.
“Now you can start your life again.”

Theirs had been a friendship forged in anguish, suspended in time. In real life it would be impossible to sustain.

“Thanks. And thanks for calling.”

Keisha hangs up immediately. Isabel knows they will never speak again.

“Isabel, before we start I have something I want to tell you,” Dr. Seidler says gingerly. “You talked to me about Kristen and what’s happened to her since she left Three Breezes.”

“Yes?”

“I want you to know that, as I told you I would, I have followed up with Dr. Flagg—her therapist here. He told me he had indeed been in contact with Kristen. In fact, he has arranged for her to be transferred back here from
Bellevue. She told him to be sure to get that message to you so he asked that I speak with you.”

“Wow.” Isabel does not know what to make of this news.

“How does that make you feel, hearing she will be returning?”

“When? When is she coming back?”

“That I’m not sure about,” Dr. Seidler answers. “I doubt Dr. Flagg knows for sure. There is a lot of paperwork to be completed before she can come back, that and consultations. It could be as early as tomorrow. But the bottom line is she will be coming back. You have an odd look on your face.”

Isabel is hypnotized by the raindrops beading on the office window. She watches as one trickles down and melts into another—the two forming a miniature river winding its way down the pane of glass.

“I can’t believe she pulled it off,” she says, still watching nature draw pictures.

“Pulled what off?”

“Everything.” Isabel brings her doctor into focus. “First that whole concoction about her brother. Then getting transferred back here. I don’t know. I thought I knew her but I guess not.”

“Is that difficult for you? To find out someone isn’t who you thought they were?”

“Yeah. It’s some kind of weird pattern with me,” Isabel says. “Alex wasn’t who I thought he was. All that time we had all these problems: with anger, with communication. Maybe it’s like you said last time: I took in what I felt about myself at the time. I think that’s true.

“Kristen comes along and, at least in the beginning, I think we have so much in common. We’re from similar backgrounds, we both had bad luck with our first loves and with guys in general. But then she has this freaky
thing happen to her with the limo driver—I still don’t know what went on there. It’s like her paranoia has totally taken over….”

She trails off and looks back out the window at the rain.

“What about you? You aren’t what you first thought you were, either.” “Huh?”

“You told me about the conversation with your mother—she thought you were this perfect daughter and you told her you weren’t. But maybe that was you telling
yourself
you weren’t perfect.”

Yes.

“Is it going to be difficult for you to be face-to-face with Kristen when she gets back here?”

“Kristen? No. I think I’ve put enough distance there. But Alex…coming face-to-face with him is going to be the toughest thing. I feel if I can just do that I will have conquered the biggest obstacle of all.”

“To come face-to-face with someone who betrayed your trust?”

“To come face-to-face with reality.”