Butterflies in Honey (Growing Pains #3) (48 page)

The one thing that ran between them with the
force of an underground river was when to start a family. If it
were up to Sean or Cassie, Krista would have gone off birth control
on their honeymoon. Krista wasn’t so eager, however. She was still
young and had a couple years of drinking and acting stupid left on
her roster. Being that she was the woman, and it was her body that
would get destroyed, Sean deferred. There were no arguments or
heated discussions, there was just Sean, looking at Krista like a
puppy dog, saying that he was ready whenever she was ready, and
wouldn’t bring it up again.

Of course, he didn’t have to. He had Cassie.
She brought it up constantly. She’d found a man shortly after
moving to L.A. who thought the sun shone out of her ass. They were
married a year after Sean and Krista. Cassie wanted to start a
family, but wanted to do it at the same time as Krista so she
wouldn’t be the only one. Kate and Jasmine were still dating Mr.
Right Now and Ben wasn’t having much luck, either. Krista told
Cassie to get on with it, and Cassie would reply that Krista’s eggs
were dying.

Cassie fought dirty, obviously.

To Sean’s credit, he never said so much as
“boo” about the situation. He was patient, despite his sister. But
every time he saw a family at the beach, or a dad holding a toddler
up in the water, or a chubby little girl waddling by, Sean would
get a soft look in his eye and snuggle up to Krista. It wasn’t
conscious, but it didn’t stop Krista from hearing the metaphorical
clock ticking every time he did it.

Finally, a couple years into their marriage,
Krista decided it was time. She felt she had a good run socially
and was in a place where change would be welcome…and she wasn’t
getting any younger—
thanks mom, and Cassie
. She thought
about telling Sean she was ready and that they could start trying,
but she got nervous that he would unknowingly put a bunch of
pressure on her. She’d never been pregnant before—what if she had a
hard time getting knocked up? What if it took a while? She didn’t
want to get her period and feel like a failure. Sean wouldn’t think
that way, sure, but the female brain had the propensity to be a
crazy place. Krista knew from experience that it came up with
irrational stuff; Krista didn’t need anyone else witnessing
that.

Since she knew he still wanted
children—Cassie made that clear—she stopped taking the pill. She
had her monthly membership fee of womanhood, and then just went
cold turkey. She heard it could take a while for a girl’s body to
adjust. She had also heard stories of those who got pregnant right
away. Then, of course, there were those who didn’t stop and still
got knocked up. You just didn’t know until it happened.

Or didn’t.

Well, it turned out that one of Krista’s
problems in life was not fertility. Two months after she had sworn
off contraception, she stopped getting visits from Aunt Flow.

At first, she didn’t realize it. She was
sitting in Kate’s office chatting when she made an offhanded
comment on how bad her boobs hurt lately.

“That sucks. Are you about to start?” Kate
said as she scrounged through her desk for her hot spot happy hour
list. She was way too organized at thirty.

“Uh, probably.”

Krista looked at the calendar and realized
that she had no idea. Without the pill to keep her regular, and
also to subtly point out when things would get messy, she was
flying blind.

Kate looked up quickly. “What aren’t you
telling me?”

“It’s a secret.”

“When was your last period?”

“Um…” Krista looked hard at the calendar.

As Krista was trying to count back weeks,
Kate said, “You’re off the pill? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know?”

“You’re
trying
aren’t you?”

Silence.

“You’re trying and you’re worried of failure,
aren’t you?”

It was scary how well Kate knew her.

Krista grimaced. “Yeah, a bit. Sean doesn’t
know.”

“Are you
serious
?!”

“He wants one. He said whenever I was ready.
I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, so…”

“I don’t think Sean would like to hear you
aren’t 100% in this. Especially with his parents’ track
record.”

“I am, it’s just that I’m scared. My body is
going to stretch and go crazy, I’ll look ugly and misshapen when
it’s all over, and let’s not forget the needles and horrible
pain…”

“Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.”

They went over the calendar. It was quite
possible that Krista was a week late. They went online and looked
up pregnancy symptoms. Sore boobs was one of them. Krista broke
into a cold sweat.

“You’re coming over tonight and we are going
to deal with this. Jasmine and Cassie are coming,” Kate said
sternly.

“No one tells Sean.”

“No one tells
anyone!
You might be as
ready as you’ll ever be, but
I’m
not even that ready yet.
Yuck.” Though neither wanted to admit it, Kate and Jasmine both
were in serious relationships. Kate’s man was just about to pop the
question, it was obvious. Kate swearing off marriage and babies was
her way of waiting patiently for a ring and eternity.

At Kate’s house, Krista was given a birth
control test, shoved in the bathroom, and yelled at to hurry up.
After the pants were back in place, all four women crowded in and
watched the test, which turned positive within thirty seconds.

“Oh yeah, you’re pregnant,” Jasmine said.
“When it turns that fast, you are definitely pregnant.”

“Oh my God, you
bitch!”
Cassie roared,
taking the test. “Why didn’t you tell me? Now I’m behind!”

“Because you would have told Sean,” Krista
said, not quite sure how to feel.

“True. Okay, do another. Then I’m going to do
one just to see if there is a miracle.”

Krista did three. Cassie did one. Krista’s
were all positive. Cassie went home directly to get pregnant. Kate
and Jasmine toasted to Krista with a glass of wine. Krista had
juice.

Cassie being sworn to secrecy wouldn’t last
long—she was way too excited. For that reason, Krista had to get on
the ball with telling those closest to her. Sean, obviously, being
the first. She wanted it to be special, though. She wanted him to
remember the day he found out.

She stayed late that night at Kate’s, saying
they were talking girl talk. She skipped surfing, pretending she
had a hangover. She tried to stay busy all day to avoid Sean—she
never could get anything important past the man; he read her as
easily as a freaking billboard. At the end of the day, she raced
home before him, getting a ride from Kate, and put one of the most
easy to read pregnancy tests on the counter with a blue and pink
intertwined ribbon. She then punched Cassie in the arm when Cassie
said that meant she’d get twins.

All their closest friends—who would not judge
and who would have been told before the three month mark
anyway—waited quietly in the backyard. It was Autumn and still nice
out, so no one minded in the least.

When Sean came home, he stepped beside the
door to deposit his keys in the bowl, like he always did. He moved
into the living room to switch on the TV and saw a note on the
remote that said to turn on music. It wasn’t unusual—sometimes
Krista didn’t want to hear people talking after a busy day. He did
as instructed, only then seeing the weird looking white object with
the ribbons. It looked like a digital thermometer.

That, of course, made Sean nervous, since
Krista tried to pretend she wasn’t sick until she was basically on
bed rest. He had picked it up and surveyed it.

Instead of temperature, in the window, it had
the digitally displayed word: ‘Pregnant.’

Sean’s life burst into color. He read it
again. He turned it over and flipped it back, reading it a third
time. He looked around to see if Cassie would pop out and this
would all be a joke. It didn’t happen, so he read it a fourth
time.

Being that there were ribbons on it, it meant
he was supposed to see it. It wasn’t hidden away or thrown in the
garbage. It wasn’t something Krista was ashamed of. It was left for
him, as a surprise.

In a daze, he wandered out to the deck, to
his chair overlooking the ocean. He sat back and held the stick
close, not realizing or caring that it had been peed on. It would
later be the thing everyone made fun of.

That was where Krista found him ten minutes
later. He was sitting, staring out at the ocean, his eyes glassy,
with the test hugged to his chest. When he noticed her, she smiled
shyly. His eyes were so full of love, Krista got a lump in her
throat.

“Hey,” she said, walking out onto the
balcony.

Sean watched her cross in front of him to
take her balcony chair. His eyes were blazing with emotion, the
foremost being hope. He held up the test.

“Is this what I think it is?”

Krista wanted to say something witty but
decided it wasn’t the time. “Yes.”

Sean nodded slowly, looking at her intently.
“Are you okay with this?”

Fear raked Krista’s chest for the first time.
Cassie had promised he would be excited. She had ardently swore
that he would be eager to share that moment with those closest to
him.

“Uh…aren’t you?”

“I told you, I would wait until you were
ready. I would rather never have a child if you aren’t 100% sure
this is what you want.”

“If it wasn’t what I wanted, I wouldn’t have
stopped the pill.”

Confusion flashed across Sean’s face. Then a
flicker of a smile.

“You were trying for this?” He wasn’t
accusing her, he wanted verification.

Krista smiled, pleased with his obvious
delight.

His smile flickered brighter, the corners
tugging upwards. “For how long?” The words came out in a breathy
gush, his joy was barely contained in the confines of his body.

“Well, I stopped taking contraception two
months ago. Or so. Maybe three. Surprise!”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Krista shrugged and looked out over the
ocean. “There were too many unknowns. I just wanted to see if it
would happen. I knew you were
in
so I just…went with
it.”

“You don’t seem as thrilled as I am…”

It occurred to her how this all looked to
Sean. He was worried about her, worried that something was wrong,
thinking it might be him. He gets home to a positive pregnancy
test. He is elated, but then worries she is unhappy because she got
a nasty surprise. He had been a nasty surprise. His life was lived
in the shadow of that surprise and it never lost its taint.
Suddenly his hope was dripping with fear that Krista hated the life
they had created.

It was pretty heavy.

She got up and went to him immediately. She
went to plop on his lap, but was received with velvet gloves. He
was already handling her like a fragile vase.

“Honestly, I’m scared. It was sudden, kinda.
I thought it would take longer. And it is a
big
deal. I
can’t drink, I have to take it easy—I mean, life is going to
completely
change for us, Sean. We have it good. We have it
great, actually. But what if I get all stretch-marky and fat and
ugly? What if my body never bounces back? And a baby puts strain on
even the best marriages.

“And then there is the labor. All that pain.
What about the lack of sleep? I won’t have a clue as to what I am
doing, Sean. Not a clue. I don’t know anything about babies. What
if I screw it up? What if I ruin its life forever?”

Sean hugged her gently. “If my parents didn’t
screw me up, we’ll be fine. And we’ve had strain in our
relationship before, love—we always make it through. We
will
always make it through. You can’t control everything, so stop
trying. Let life happen.”

Krista laughed and snuggled into his warmth.
“Let life happen? Did you find that stenciled on a napkin or
something?”

“No, a pillow, but it was a goodie.”

After a few minutes of cuddling, Krista had
to lay down the law. “You can’t tell anyone until three
months.”

“Why?” Sean was heartbroken already.

“There is a 12.5% chance I will miscarry.
After three months, that number dramatically reduces.”

“What, did you look that up or something? Who
has statistics on stuff like that?”

“You married a statistician, darling.
Although, I am young and in great shape and healthy—my chances
might be lower. But still, it’s best to keep that in mind. And if
it does happen, it’s okay because it meant that something wasn’t
right. We’ll just try again at that point.”

“Okay,” Sean sighed. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, McAdams. I might become
a raging bitch. Hormones will probably eat me alive.”

Sean shrugged. “I’ll do whatever I can to
support you through this, Krista. Please believe that.”

“You better. Also, if you are up to it, a few
of our friends are getting the grill fired up for a celebratory
BBQ.”

Sean smiled. “I thought we couldn’t tell
people?”

“It’s just Marcus and Ben and everyone those
two would tell anyway. Cassie will be along shortly, she is trying
to get pregnant at the moment.”

“Gross. Let’s cuddle for a second longer and
then go, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sean proved he was serious about helping
Krista through it. He made her soup during the month of morning
sickness—which was not just reserved for the morning, it lasted all
day. He rubbed her belly, he rubbed her feet, and he made her
lunches and dinners. He massaged her back when she got bigger, and
came to her office for their one-on-one meetings. He even had
leisurely strolls with her along the beach after he had his harder
workouts. He did everything but quit drinking. She tried to get him
to do that, too, since not having her glass of wine with dinner, or
a beer with the girls, was unreal hard (misery loves company) but
he just smirked and said he failed her.