Butterfly (25 page)

•   •   •

The night of the show, I heard a commotion backstage. I ran to see what was going on and I could hear people arguing.

“Man, I wish you would put your hands on me. You'll be pulling back elbows!”

I stopped in my tracks and smiled. “I should have known.”

“What's up, my niggah?”

“Girl, you can't talk like that around here.”

“These fools trying to tell me I'm not supposed to be back here. I said that's my niggah!”

“So when you get out, Janae?”

“Today!”

“What's up, Jacqua? I haven't seen you in a while.” Jacqua had her arm locked inside of Janae's arm.

“Girl, I been hitting them damn books. I'm going to Spelman next fall.”

“Me, too.”

“That's what's up right there.”

“Forget all that school talk. I heard you bagged you a NBA prospect.”

“Naw, that's a wrap. We through.”

“You don't need that niggah no way.”

“Look, the show's about to start in a minute, so I got to run. I have to make sure my people are where they're supposed to be.”

“Damn, you the director?”

“No, I'm the producer.”

“Oh, okay. I don't know what that mean, but if you're bigger than the director, all I can say is, my niggah!” Janae gave me a fist pound. “Oh, one more thing, though, I know you had to get with Toya over that bullshit, and I ain't mad at you, but she really wanted to come tonight to support you, so I brought her. That's why I came back here to give you a heads-up and shoot you some love.”

“That's the past. Tell her I want to holler at her after the show, so we can squash this, for real.”

“That's what's up right there.”

“I got to go, y'all. See y'all after the show.”

“A'ight, my niggah!”

The show went off without a hitch. During the performance, we had great reactions from the audience. It was a huge success. I spoke to my friends after the show, and I apologized to Toya for what had happened between us. She accepted my apology, and then apologized to me again for causing so many damn problems. I was especially happy when I saw Keisha and her date, her stepfather. I had to eat dinner with my family that night, so I promised my girls I would meet up with them the next day to celebrate Janae being released from juvie.

Everybody was there but Keisha. I thought Toya was going to pick her up, and Toya thought I was going to pick her up, so she
was left out. I was still going to go get her anyway, but we were way in Conyers at Stonecrest Mall and Keisha didn't want me to drive all the way back to Decatur to pick her up.

That night I spoke with Keisha and she was very upset. Her mother decided that she did not want to work on their relationship anymore. She was moving out of state with the schoolteacher. That meant she was going to have to move in with her father. She was devastated! Throughout the night, we would hang up, she would try to contact her stepdad, he would not answer, and then she would call me again. We repeated that cycle all night long. Keisha thought that if she could talk her stepdad into coming back home or let her come live with him, everything would be fine. I talked to her until it was almost time for me to go to school. Eventually, I got her to calm down and she told me to go to school and not to worry about her.

After school, I went directly to her house to find out if she had reached her stepdad. I knocked a couple of times and then on one of the knocks, the door came open. I could hear Keisha's music blaring from upstairs. I walked up the stairs slowly and then for some reason, I had an eerie feeling. I picked up the pace and ran into Keisha's room. I burst through the door and there she was, hanging from the ceiling fan with a curtain wrapped around her neck, and a chair toppled on its side on the floor.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, “
Keishaaaaaaa!
”

I stood on the chair and snatched the curtain from the almost collapsed ceiling fan. I fell to the floor with Keisha in my arms. I called 9-1-1, and tried to get Keisha to open her eyes, but she wouldn't. When the medics arrived, they tried desperately to revive her, but eventually, they pronounced her dead on arrival.

•   •   •

I helped Mrs. Benson clean up Keisha's room. She put her personal items in a chest and locked them away. I could not believe that everything Keisha had in life was locked away in a small chest, everything but her diary. I slipped it into my pocket and I took it home with me. I read it as soon as I got home and I found out that Keisha only told me half of what that monster had done to her. Word by word, I read each painful page of my friend's horrible life. I did not mention the diary to any of the other girls in our clique. I had to tell someone and that someone was my mother.

Ms. Alicia and I had a long talk about Keisha's diary and her death. That is when I found out that Ms. Alicia had attempted suicide several times as well. She explained to me that was why she was so protective of me. She did not want me to suffer the way she'd suffered with men: the self-doubt, the constant need for approval, and the lack of self-worth, all of the typical symptoms that led to depression. I had issues with wanting to be loved, but not just from boys, from anybody.

Ms. Alicia read Keisha's diary and she cried. She could not believe that my friend was going through so much pain and abuse and no one around her, adult or child, could see it, or stop it. Once her tears stopped, she took the diary to Dr. Forrester to let him read it. He immediately arranged for me to talk to Mr. Robert at the police station.

Dr. Forrester, Ms. Alicia, and I sat in a small room with Mr. Robert and a lady detective named Ms. Sharp. They read some of the diary and were convinced that an investigation into Keisha's father would be launched.

“Did Keisha ever tell you anything about her father sexually abusing her?” Detective Sharp asked.

“Yes, ma'am. She came over for Thanksgiving and that was the first time she mentioned her father had touched her inappropriately.”

“When you say ‘inappropriately,' what specifically happened?”

“She told me her father started off just touching her. Then he made her make him ejaculate...and then he raped her.”

“Did she use the word ‘rape'?”

“Yes, ma'am. She described in detail everything he did to her. She was sleeping and he crawled under the blanket with her and held her down and had sex with her.”

Ms. Alicia covered her mouth and left the room. “Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom.”

Detective Sharp paused until Ms. Alicia was out of the room and then continued, “And she said there was definite penetration?”

“Yes, ma'am.”

“Would you be willing to repeat this statement under oath?”

“Absolutely, Detective Sharp!” I could not wait to expose that bastard for killing my friend! “I'll do it right now if you want me to.”

“You'll get your chance.”

“So what do you think, Detective?” Mr. Robert said.

“Ms. Clemmons' story corroborates the diary. I will definitely launch an investigation and then we'll leave it up to the district attorney.”

“Thanks for coming in, Shante. You did good. I'm proud of you.”

“Thank you, Mr. Robert.”

•   •   •

Keisha's funeral was two weeks before my graduation. I had never seen Keisha's father and I was looking forward to putting a face on the monster. I wanted to see what kind of man could possess such an evil spirit. I was happy to see Mr. and Mrs. Benson sitting together. They were making a serious attempt to mend their marriage. Too bad it took Keisha's death to bring them to their senses. Had they acted like adults earlier and tried to work their problems out, Keisha would still be alive!

Toya was sitting next to me, so I asked her if Keisha's father was in the church. She pointed him out to me sitting in the front row on the opposite side of the church. When I saw him, I automatically tried to slide to the floor. Fear consumed me. I was nervous and I felt like getting up and running out. But I could not do it. The man turned around to casually look behind him and I ducked. I got a good look at him and it was who I thought it was, Mr. Harry.

I was asked to speak prior to her funeral. I was Keisha's best friend and I had to, but I knew by doing that, I would also expose myself to Mr. Harry. When I got up to speak and he finally saw my face, I could tell that he was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. I went on to tell everyone how much of a good girl Keisha was. How happy and vibrant she was. But I wanted to say was, how much she was tormented. How her father had turned that beautiful caterpillar into an ugly creature inside. How her father had made her believe that she was responsible for the many, many times he had raped her.

Keisha was a good girl, for real, and she did not deserve the life she had been given. The whole situation seemed surreal. It felt like an out-of-body experience. I could not believe my best friend was dead.

I knew it was crazy, but I stepped outside of the church where no one could see me and I dialed her cell phone just to hear her voice.
“Hi, this is Keisha. Obviously I can't come to the phone right now, so if you really want something, you know what to do. 'Cause if you don't leave a message I didn't get your call. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

I played it over and over. Her loud, crazy laugh put a smile on my face. I tried to remember the funny and witty Keisha, but all that I could think about was her small, precious body hanging from that ceiling fan.

After the funeral, I let Jeremy come over to watch television and talk. I really needed his company. It was uncomfortable at first, but then we loosened up and had the discussion we did not want to have, but we needed to have.

“Are we still going to the prom? We haven't really talked, so I don't know.”

“Probably, but not together, Jeremy.”

“Oh, it's like that, huh?”

“Yeah, it's like that.” I nodded repeatedly.

“Why not?”

“Do you really need for me to answer that question, Jeremy?”

“No, I know why not, but I'm saying, since we've already made plans, why not?”

“I don't know. People are going to think I'm a fool if I go up in there on your arm.”

“Who cares what people think?”

“I care what people think!” I snapped. “I don't want people to think I'm some sucker who will take anything from you because you might go pro.”

“I made a mistake. I embarrassed you. I embarrassed me, my family...”

“You've already given that speech, Jeremy. I'm immune to it.”

“What I'm saying is, I know I was wrong, but I still love you, Butterfly. I try not to, but I can't help it. I love you.”

“I love you, too. And maybe if I was another girl, I could forgive you for what you did, but I'm sorry, I can't. And I can't help that.”

“I don't understand something, Butterfly.”

“What don't you understand?”

“Why is it that you want me to love you unconditionally, but you don't want to love me unconditionally?”

“Our conditions are different.”

“But when you say love unconditionally, that means there are no conditions, right?”

“Wrong.”

“So no matter what I say or do, you're not going to take me back?”

“Uhn-uhn, I can't do it. I'll take you back as my friend, but not my boyfriend.”

“You're just trying to be hard now, huh?”

“I'm not trying to be hard. I've just been through so much in my life, man. You just don't know, Jeremy.” I put my hands on my forehead. “My best friend just died. I almost didn't get into college. I just want to have peace in my life. I just want some peace, man!”

“You're only eighteen years old, Butterfly.”

“Yeah, but I feel like I've had a hundred years' worth of pain.”

“How much pain could you have gone through at the age of eighteen?”

I smiled and said very softly, “A lifetime.”

I think when I said that, he got it. He held my hand and gave up trying to convince me into being in a relationship with him. I put my head on his shoulder and he became my friend. My first love was officially over. However, I did agree to go to the prom with him, but as a friend only.

O
n prom day, Ms. Alicia, Auntie Cynthia and Auntie Pam took me out for a day of pampering. Auntie Cynthia brought Bri with her, which I gladly appreciated to have someone remotely close to my age. We did the normal spa thing, feet and hands, facial and massage. The adults talked and Bri and I pretty much listened.

“I hear you have a scholarship to Spelman, Shante?” Auntie Pam asked.

“Yes, ma'am, thanks to my mom.”

“Ah, she didn't do nothing,” Auntie Pam joked. “Don't give her credit for your hard work.”