Butterfly (10 page)

Madame Malisorf refused to add another day to my weekly ballet lessons. Celine and she had the conversation three days later--the very first lesson after the recital.

"No," Madame Malisorf said. "It was partly my mistake to have rushed her along. I should never have agreed to put her on
pointe.
I should have listened to
my
own instincts. Janet has to find her own level of competence, her own capabilities. Talent is like water. If you remove the obstructions, it will rise to its highest possible level by itself."

"That's not true, Madame Malisorf," Celine declared. "We must set her limits. We must determine her capabilities. She won't strive if we don't push her. She doesn't have the inner discipline."

Madame Malisorf gazed at me warming up alongside Dimitri, who had said nothing yet about my performance at the recital.

"You must be careful. You could make her lose interest and affection for the beauty and the skills, Celine. If you overtrain an athlete, he or she starts to regress, lose muscle, skill."

"Money has never been nor will it ever be a consideration for me," Madame Malisorf snapped back at her, holding her shoulders and head proudly.

Celine seemed to wilt in the chair.
"I know that, Madame, I just meant--" "If I am to be the girl's teacher, Celine, I am to

be in control. I will determine the schedule of lessons. More is not always better. What's better is to get more quality out of what you already have. If you think otherwise--"

"Yes, yes, you're right," Celine said quickly. "Of course, you're right, Madame Malisorf. I was just so disappointed the other day and I know you were, too."

"On the contrary, I was not," she said. Celine's head lifted. Even I had to pause in my exercises and look her way.

"You weren't?" Celine sounded skeptical. "No. I was happy to see the child get right up and attempt to continue.
That
is stamina,
determination That comes from here," she said holding her palm against her heart.
"Yes," Celine said, looking at me. "Of course, you're right again, Madame. I'm grateful that we have you."
"Then let's not waste the time we do have, Celine." Dismissing Celine with a flick of her wrist, Madame Malisorf approached Dimitri and me and our lesson began.
It was a good lesson. Even I felt that I had accomplished more than usual. The only mention Madame Malisorf made of the recital was when she made reference to my work on
pointe
. For the rest of the lesson she had Dimitri take me through a series of exercises and complimented me on my work.
Yet none of this seemed to ease Celine's concerns. She sat glumly in her chair and when the lesson ended and Dimitri and Madame Malisorf were gone, Celine wheeled up to me to say she thought Madame Malisorf was wrong.
"She just doesn't want to give up her own free tune," Celine said peevishly. "In ballet more is better. If you're not obsessed with it, you won't be successful. It has to be demanding on your body and your soul. I'll practice with you on the weekend," she added. "We'll begin this Saturday."
"But this Saturday is my birthday and Sanford said we're having a party. I've invited some of my classmates," I moaned.
"Oh,
Sanford
is planning your party, is he?" The look in her eyes chilled me. "Well, the party isn't an all-day affair, is it? We'll practice in the morning and you can have your party in the afternoon, if you must have it at all," she declared, then turned her chair and wheeled herself away.
Ever since the recital, Celine had been behaving differently toward me. She was more impatient, her words harsher, her eyes more critical. She spent more time alone, sometimes just sitting and staring out the window. And any time I mentioned Sanford she narrowed her eyes and looked at me like she was trying to see inside me, see what I was thinking and feeling. Once I even found her backed into a corner, the shadows draped over her like a blanket. She was staring at the painting of herself in her dance costume.
When I mentioned my concern to Sanford, he said I should just give her time. I didn't mention that I thought Celine was upset at the time he and I spent together, though, since I was afraid he would avoid me in order to keep in Celine's good graces.
"She has her ups and downs," he explained. "Everything has been happening so fast, she just needs time to adjust?'
He and I went for one of our walks on the grounds, down to the lake. It was special times like these, spending time with a daddy who loved and cared for me, that made all the hours of torture in the studio worthwhile.
"I've made all the plans for your birthday party," Sanford said when we reached the edge of the water. "We're going to have a barbecue, hot dogs and hamburgers and steaks for the adults?'
"Who's coming?" I asked, hoping he would mention my new grandparents.
"Some of the people at my plant whom you've met, Mrs. Williams from Peabody, Madame Malisorf, of course, and yes," he added quickly, reading my mind, "Celine's parents and Daniel will stop by. How many people have you invited?"
"Ten," I said,
"Good. We have a nice party planned. Remember, I don't want anyone using the rowboat without an adult present, okay?"
I nodded. This was the most exciting thing in my life, even more exciting than the recital. I had never had a real birthday party. The only time I'd had a birthday cake, it was for me and two other children at the orphanage at the same time Sharing it took away from its specialness. Birthdays aren't special without a family to help you celebrate, without a mother to remember things about your growing up and a daddy to give you that special kiss and say, "My little girl's growing up. Soon she'll have eyes for someone else beside me." Finally, I was going to have a party that really was solely my own and a big party, too!
I told Sanford that Celine wanted me to practice dance on the morning of my birthday and his eyes grew small and troubled. Later, at dinner, he mentioned it and Celine shot a look at me as if to say I had betrayed her.
"Did she go crying to you about it?" she asked. "Why is it that you've suddenly become her knight in shining armor?"
"Come on, Celine. She just mentioned it when I told her about the plans for her party. I thought we would all decorate the family room in the morning and----"
"Really, Sanford, what did you expect me to do? Climb a ladder and hang balloons?" she asked disdainfully.
"No, of course not. I just thought. . ." I could tell he was weakening.
"There are no holidays, no days off, no time to forget what is your destiny, Janet," she said, turning back to me.
"I know. I wasn't complaining," I said. I didn't want her to think I wasn't grateful.
She stared at me a moment. It was a hard look, and her eyes were full of disappointment. I had to look down at my food.
"I know you're a young girl, but as a dancer you are entering a world that requires you to become an adult faster, Janet," she continued. "It will make you stronger for everything in life. I promise."
I looked up and she smiled.
"You've come so far so fast. It wasn't long ago when you were just a lost child in that orphanage. Now you have a name and a talent. You're going to be someone. Don't give up on me," she said, her voice surprising me with its soft pleading.
"Oh, I won't do that, Mother." How could she fear that
I
would give up on
her?
"Good. Good. When it's settled. We'll work in the morning and then you can enjoy your party. Mildred will decorate the family room," she told Sanford.
"I'd like to help," he said.
"Yes, I suppose you would;' Celine told him, and I could see her scrutinizing him as she often did me, trying to peer inside his mind.

Celine was a sterner teacher than Madame Malisorf. The morning of my birthday, she was waiting impatiently for me in the studio. I was on my way into the studio when Mildred called out to me that I had a telephone call. One of the girls at school, Betty Lowe, called to talk to me about my party and the five boys I had invited. She said everyone knew how much Josh Brown liked me. My conversation lasted longer than I realized and Celine was annoyed when I joined her in the studio, five minutes late.

"What have I told you about time and its importance when it comes to practice, Janet? I thought you understood," she snapped as soon as I entered the studio.

"I'm sorry," I said. Before I could offer any explanation, she sent me directly to the barre.
I tried but I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't help thinking about my party, about everyone getting dressed up, and about the music and the food. I just knew this party would make the kids I'd invited finally let me into their group. I didn't think I had to do anything more to impress Josh, but just in case, I would be sure to wear my prettiest dress.
As these thoughts flooded my mind, I went through the motions of my routine. Celine rolled her wheelchair over until she was only inches from me and began to criticize my form and tempo.
"You're missing your mark," she said. "No, not so fast. Listen to the music. That landing was too hard! You don't land like an elephant, you float like a butterfly. Relax your knees. No. Stop!" she screamed and covered her face with her hands.
"I'm sorry," I said when she stayed silent. "I'm trying."
"You're not trying. Your mind is elsewhere. I wish Sanford had never thought up this birthday party," she muttered, her normally pretty mouth twisted, her eyes burning with an inner rage that made me look away. "All right," she said finally. "We'll make it up later. Go get ready for your party. I know when I'm fighting a lost cause. Believe me, I know when I'm doing that," she added, still very bitter.
I apologized again, but as soon as I left her behind me in the studio and rounded the corner of the doorway, I ran through the house, up the stairs, and to my room. I wanted to try my hair in a new style and I still hadn't decided on which dress I should wear. I had decided to polish my nails, too. When my first guests arrived, I was still primping and Sanford had to come to my door to tell me it was time to come down to greet people.
The presents were piled up like Christmas gifts under a tree. Mildred had helium balloons on the ceiling with different-colored ribbons dangling. There were birthday decorations on the windows and walls, and the food was so impressive, I heard Mrs. Wilhams wonder aloud what Sanford and Celine would do for a wedding.
A wedding? I thought. Would I become a famous dancer and marry another famous dancer? Would I marry a rich businessman like Sanford? Would I go to college and meet some handsome young man? It was as if my life here was the key to unlocking a treasure chest of fantasies, fantasies that could actually come true!
My new grandparents were the last to arrive. I heard Celine ask about Daniel and saw her mother grimace.

"Who knows where he is?" she groaned. ' That's why we're late. He was supposed to drive us."
"Happy birthday," my grandfather said when he saw me standing nearby. He was the one who handed me my present.
"Yes, happy birthday," my grandmother followed. She didn't give me much more than a passing glance before getting into a conversation with the other guests. My grandfather began a discussion with Sanford and I returned to my friends. We danced and drank punch and ate. Josh was at my side most of the time, although suddenly Billy Ross was asking me to dance as well.
Afterward, I cut the huge birthday cake. I had to blow out the candles and everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to me, everyone but my grandmother, who stood staring with a dark, unhappy expression on her face. While we ate cake I opened presents and everyone oohed and ahed over the pretty clothes, the hair dryer, the jewelry. My grandparents had bought me a pair of leather gloves that turned out to be at least two sizes too big.
I hated to see the party come to an end. Josh stayed behind and reminded me I had promised to show him our lake. I told Sanford where we were going and we left the house. It was a bit cool and overcast. I wore my new leather jacket that Sanford and Celine had bought me.
"This is a great house," Josh said. "It's twice as big as mine. And all this land, I could have my own baseball field," he continued. "You're lucky."
"I am lucky," I said. We stood at the crest of the hill, looking down at the lake.
"I'm glad you transferred into our school," Josh said. "Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have ever met you."
"No, you wouldn't have," I said, thinking about where I had come from. I was almost tempted to tell him the truth. He was so sweet, but I was afraid that the moment he heard the word
orphan,
he would back away and pretend he never knew me.
"Can we go in the rowboat?" he asked when he spotted the boat docked onshore.
"My father doesn't want me to go without an adult, I don't swim," I confessed.
"Really? How come?"
I shrugged.
"I just never learned."
His eyes grew narrow and his eyebrows nearly touched. Then he smiled.
"Maybe be the one to teach you this summer.:'
"I'd like that," I said.
"I never gave you a birthday kiss," he said.
I didn't move and he leaned toward me slowly. I closed my eyes and there, on the crest of the bill behind my new home, I was kissed for the first time on the lips. It didn't last long. There was even a little friction shock, but I thought it was the most wonderful kiss in the world, better than any I had seen on television or in the movies. The little warm feeling that followed lingered for a moment around my heart and then trickled into my pool of memories where it would stay forever and ever.
"Janet!" We turned to see Sanford beckoning. "Josh's father is here to pick him up."
"Okay," I called back and we started for the house. Josh took my, hand. Neither of us spoke. We let go before we rounded the house to greet his father, who wished me a happy birthday.
"See you in school," Josh said. I wished I could kiss him good-bye, but he looked embarrassed and hurried to get into his father's car. Moments later, he was waving good-bye and my party was over. I felt like I did when we were given some wonderful special dessert at the orphanage. When it was coming to an end, I wanted to linger and linger over the last tidbits of pleasure.
I went back inside. Mildred was busy cleaning up, but she didn't look upset about the extra work and when I offered to help her, she laughed and said not to worry. I was about to go upstairs to change out of my party dress, when I heard voices in the dining room. My grandparents were I here, having coffee and talking with Celine.
I was nervous about interrupting them, she hesitated near the door. Just before I decide I would enter and try to get to know them a little better, I heard my grandmother say, "She'll always be a stranger to me, Celine. She's not of blood and blood is the most important thing for family."
"That's ridiculous. Mother, and anywayI'm not concerned about family. I don't just want a daughter. Anyone can have a daughter. I want adancer."
My heart fell at her words. What did she mean?
"More reason to question what you are doing Celine. I saw the girt at the recital. What in heaven's name caused you to believe she was anything special?"
"She does," Celine insisted.
"Well, if she does, she keeps it well hidden." grandmother said. "Where is she? You would think she would show some respect. She'd take time to come here."
I decided that was my cue and I entered.
"Hello," I said, my voice quavering, my stomach in knots over Celine's words. "Thank you for the present. Grandmother and Grandfather."
My grandfather nodded and smiled. My grandmother tightened the corner of her mouth. "We have to go," she said. "Your brother is a constant worry for me," she added, looking at Celine. "I'm afraid he's going to end up with one of those floozies and disgrace all of us one of these days," she added as she rose.
"It's your own fault," Celine said. "You spoiled him."
"I didn't spoil him. Your father spoiled him," she accused.
"He'll be all right" Sanford said. "He's just sowing his wild oats."
"Really?" my grandmother said. "Well, when do you think he'll run out of oats?"
Sanford laughed and then escorted them out.
My grandfather patted me on the head as they left and mumbled something about "Many happy returns."
I remained with Celine, who sat there brooding in her chair.
"Thank you for the party," I told her. She looked up as if just realizing I was still in the room. "Where were you?"
"I went for a walk with Josh to show him the lake." I said.
She rolled her chair around the table and came toward me.
"You've got to be careful when it comes to boys," she began.
I smiled. I was just thirteen.
"I know what you're thinking. You think you have plenty of time to worry about romance, but believe me, you don't. Not you. You're special. I don't want you to turn your brain into Jell-0 with silly lovesickness. It's distracting and this morning you saw what distraction can do."
She drew closer until we were gazing into each other's eyes.
"Sex draws on your creative energies, Janet. It can drain you," she explained. "When I was dancing and approaching the peak of my development, I refrained from all sexual activities with Sanford. For a long time, we even slept in separate rooms," she added.
I didn't say anything and I didn't move. I don't think I even blinked.
"I had many boys chasing after me, especially when I was your age' she continued, "but I didn't have time to waste on schoolgirl crushes. You won't either so don't encourage any." She started to wheel herself away and stopped. "Tomorrow," she said, "we'll try to make up for today."
She left me standing there looking after her. "Make up for today?" She made it sound as if my birthday and my birthday party were a total inconvenience.
I had a grandmother who didn't really want me and a mother who only wanted me so that I could be the dancer she couldn't be.
No, Josh, I thought, maybe I'm not as lucky as you imagine.
Outside, the sky turned darker. The rain began and the drops that hit the windows looked like heaven's tears.