Buy a Cowboy (14 page)

She twisted her iced tea glass restlessly. Her gaze fleetingly flickered to his bottle of beer. “I never want my children to be familiar with those kinds of people.” She looked up embarrassed. “You know, drinkers.” The sentence dangled, asking him a question she couldn't find words for. Her expression was filled with concern and wary protectiveness
.

“I'm not a drinker, Bonnie. I do like a cool beer at the end of a long hot day. I haven't indulged myself since I met you because I was cautious about breaking through barriers and boundaries you have in place around our family.”

She continued watching him, a slight frown marring her face. Was she upset with him for thinking her family could be his, too?

He sighed. “Bonnie sometimes you make me feel dirty. As though I am unworthy of being around you.” He paused searching for the right word. “It's impossible to measure up.”

“You mean I'm self-righteous?”

He could hardly hear the whispered voice. “No, Bonnie.” He was fierce. “You're perfect. You can do anything. You've raised these children alone and have done a great job. You just don't seem to need anyone or anything. I feel redundant.” He noticed the waitress bringing their meal and pushed away from the table. Glancing down, he caught the open mouthed astonishment on Bonnie's face, before striding to the door to call the children in to eat.

They ran in, still arguing and blessedly noisy enough to cover the awkward silence of the adults.

The meal ended after dark had settled over the little town, and after Baya paid the bill they walked to the station wagon.

Baya carried Hope and Faith slipped a bony little hand into his big warm one.

“Thank you for supper,” she said quietly.

He looked down at the blonde head walking beside him. She barely topped his waist. How such a tiny creature could control the horses she rode was beyond him. His heart swelled with respect…and…he refused to name the other feeling. He felt the hand tremble a little
and looked down.

She was smiling at him. She searched his face, as if seeking acceptance and security.

He smiled and tightened his hand around her fingers in what he hoped was a sign of reassurance.

She sighed contentedly and gave a little skip.

Bonnie walked ahead, her hand keeping Daniel from stopping at each store to absorb every window display. Her arms would be aching by the time she got home. The muscles in her back rippled with each tug Daniel gave.

Baya's gaze wandered over the tapering slimness of her body. Memories of how she felt in his arms made him grin inwardly. They fit together, as they should.

“My mother is beautiful, isn't she?” Faith was looking up at him again.

He smiled as the answer to his earlier question was answered: Faith was in tune to those around her. She connected with the horses, and they trusted her. She understood them. She had just made a connection with him as well. She looked up at him with unquestioning trust.

“Someday, little bit, you'll be just as beautiful. You're already right pretty.”

She sighed. “Yeah, but I don't have the beautiful legs or the blue eyes. I'm kind of plain.”

“You are incredibly beautiful inside and out. That's what makes your mother so lovely, as well. When she is old, she'll still be beautiful, because what is inside will always shine out.”

Faith smiled as she watched her mother walking ahead of them. “I'm glad you know that. My daddy never did.” Releasing his hand, she skipped ahead and challenged Daniel to a race for the car.

Baya laughed as he watched them run ahead.

Bonnie dropped back to walk beside him.

Cautiously he reached out and caught her hand in his, and she didn't pull away.

They walked to the car silently. Just as they stepped into the parking lot, Bonnie slowed.

Baya stopped, waiting for whatever she was trying to say.

“You know,” she began, and then paused. After a deep breath she started again. “Maybe it seems that I don't need anyone. But that's not true. I might have muddled through without anyone,” Her voice lowered to a whisper. “But I wanted you.”

His heart stopped for a moment. Pulling her until her chest rested against his side he kissed her gently. “Oh, Bonnie.” He bent to lean his head against hers. “I wanted you, too.”

~*~

Hope sat between them on the trip home, her head resting on her mother's lap while she sucked her thumb.

Bonnie kept removing the thumb from her mouth but it kept creeping back.

Faith leaned against the car window while she watched the scenery passing in the glow of the headlights.

Baya glanced at Bonnie's still profile. They had crossed a barrier in their relationship. Perhaps, with tonight's revelations, he and Bonnie would pull their little family together at last. He couldn't deny that cementing the physical aspect of their marriage would strengthen the bond they'd already created.

A head full of unruly curls shoved forward interrupting his thoughts.

“Can we call Daddy tonight?”

“What?” Bonnie turned an incredulous gaze to look at her son.

“Baya said to ask you if we could call Daddy on Friday. This is Friday because yesterday was Thursday.”

Bonnie stared at Baya with anger and outrage on her face.

“That's not exactly what I said, Daniel,” Baya spoke.

“You said Friday,” Daniel stubbornly insisted.

“Why?” Bonnie's eyes narrowed to angry slits.

“Because he misses his father, and he asked about him.” Baya's jaw tightened as he drove into the deepening night. His sigh conveyed the frustration that settled over him.

Bonnie's mouth opened, but then she stopped biting back what obviously would have been angry words, she turned towards Daniel. Her tone suggested that she struggled to remain calm. “I think we need to talk about this when we get back to the house.”

Baya glanced in the rearview mirror to see Faith's tense face. “We'll talk while the kids are on the phone with their father.”

Bonnie turned away, but the tautness in her daughter's face lessened.

Baya placed the sleeping Hope on the sofa in the living room, while Bonnie called Ed in Florida.

“Hi, Daddy.” Both faces were glowing as Baya closed the sliding doors and walked Bonnie to the kitchen.

“You had no right…” she began.

Baya nodded his head for her to continue.

“You had no right to tell them they could call their father.”

“They should not be part of the war between the two of you,” he countered in a calm voice.

“They're better off without him.”

“They don't know that.”

“What makes it your concern?” Bonnie walked a tight circle.

“Daniel was afraid his father wasn't calling because he didn't know where he was.”

“Where'd he get an idea like that?”

“He asked me if his father knew where he was. He misses him. Seems they go fishing, sometimes.”

The rigid anger in her body deflated, and she shrunk back against the wall. “Why didn't he ask me?”

“He's afraid he'll make you cry. Like Tuesday when you walked out of the water because he inadvertently said something that hurt you.”

She took a deep calming breath. “I do not cry.”

“No, you shut yourself off from everyone. It's much more shattering than if you let yourself have a good cry. At least then, we could comfort you or share in your pain. When you retreat we can't follow into that remoteness that freezes every one away.”

“I do not freeze people out. I'm a very kind person.”

“You're a very nice person, Bonnie. You are also afraid of closeness and emotions. The only emotion you ever allow yourself is anger. And then you are ashamed of letting it get away from you.”

“You don't know that. You don't know how I feel.”

“I never will until you let me. But you're too wrapped up in trying to be perfect to let anyone near, aren't you?” His gravelly voice growled as he shifted against the counter.

Bonnie straightened and took an angry step forward only to stop when Daniel ran into the kitchen.

“Daddy wants to talk to you.”

She stared at him blindly for a moment.

“Come on, Mom!” Daniel grabbed her hand and began pulling her toward the living room.

Baya turned away to stare into the blackness of the night. From inside the house, he saw only darkness but if he walked out there, he could see the stars. He moved toward his bedroom. It would be peaceful outside. He debated with himself then turned and strode into the living area.

Bonnie was answering terse yes/no answers into the telephone. She turned to look at him with accusing eyes. “I don't think now is a good time—” It was evident she was being interrupted at each sentence. “Fine, call before you come,” she ended. “Yes, ‘bye.”

Baya picked up Hope and started toward the stairs.

Without a word, Bonnie herded the older kids behind him.

Daniel walked up the stairs backwards, chattering happily the whole time. “Daddy said he was going to come see us. Did you find out when? D'you think we could do some fishing in the creek?”

“We'll see, Daniel. It's time to go to sleep,” Bonnie said wearily. “Let's get your teeth brushed and face washed before you get into bed.”

“Will you read me a story?”

“Not tonight. I'm too tired.”

Bonnie moved into the bathroom and began running water over a washcloth. She rubbed it over the boy's face and ears.

Baya paused at the bathroom door, ready to help if Daniel became too excited.

Faith met Baya's eyes in the mirror. He smiled and her face lightened a little, but she didn't smile back.

He nodded at the girl, noted Bonnie had Daniel under control, and walked across the hall to the master bedroom.

A large four-poster bed stood in the middle of the room. Bonnie still had drop cloths on the floor.

He walked through to the enclosed back deck. She had placed an overstuffed chair there, and he dropped into it.

Homey sounds traveled down the hall, as the murmuring warmth of her voice lulled the kids toward sleep.

He sighed, heavily aware of his own tiredness. The backwash of the day hit him hard. If this arrangement was to work they had to get past the obstacles of the past weeks. The thought that they had to clear the tension kept him inside the house. He'd rather be moving, doing anything rather than put his frustration and view out to be haggled over with Bonnie.

Bonnie slipped into her room and a moment later, the shower was running. She turned off the water and puttered for a long time in the bathroom.

He waited quietly until she came. “We haven't finished our conversation.” His deep voice startled her from the shadows of the enclosed area.

“What're you doing here?”

“Arguing with you.”

“I'm through talking to you.” Her voice carried a steely thread in it.

“It was the right thing to do, Bonnie.”

“You don't know the right thing to do. You don't know what that man will do to these children. He doesn't care for them.”

“Do you believe that? Or is it easier for you not to have to deal with him? Is he the reason we are not husband and wife?”

She stepped back with a gasp. “You made this arrangement,” she whispered.

“Yes. I wanted to get to know you. I want more than a physical relationship with you. I want there to be love in our family. Between us.” His voice grew gruff. “I want you to want me. I don't know how to explain it any better than that. I'm just afraid you'll never get over your anger and fear enough to want any sort of relationship with me.”

The pause lasted several moments.

During the strained silence he rose to his feet and walked toward the door.

“Every time I think we can get close, something like this happens, and I'm afraid…that I can't trust you.” Her voice was a whisper. “I don't know how it happened that I thought two strangers could live together like this. I prayed so hard that God would find an answer. I know I seem prissy. But, Baya, I worked on a construction site. I've seen alcohol mess up lives in awful ways. You told me you believe in God, but you don't say or do much more in that regard. Yet, Ed presents himself as an upright church-going man and look at what happened to our marriage. I'm sorry for…doubting you. But…

“I just prayed and believed that you were the answer. Half the time I think you care about us. The other half of the time, I'm afraid you'll wash your hands of us. I don't know what would happen if you did.

“Your other life had to be more exciting. You wouldn't be here now if you were still able to rodeo. I just didn't think you'd get involved with anything but the ranch business. I thought I'd deal with my life and you'd have yours.”

Pain, fears, and distrust filled her expression.

He rubbed a tired hand over his face. “You said you wanted help raising the children. You said you didn't know how to raise a son. I haven't had a family since I was very young, Bonnie. I had a father I wanted to spend time with but he died and I couldn't. Your boy wants to spend time with his—even if he is no good. That much I know. Don't be the one to separate the kids from their father. Let the father make that choice. Then you won't be the bad guy. He will.”

“I am so afraid, Baya.” Tears began coursing down her cheeks. “You have no idea of the confusion and angst he can bring to our house.”

He moved cautiously and wrapped his arms around her. “But I'm here, Bonnie. I am here.” He rubbed his bristly cheek against the softness of her hair. “Shh. I'll be here for as long as you want me to be. Just don't turn me away.”

“I don't seem to do anything right. My messed-up marriage. My children seem to be more yours than mine, anymore. I can't even drum up the energy to be mad at you, anymore. I'm just too tired. It's too hard to keep standing here trying to think.”