By Degrees (45 page)

He slowly bends over and puts me down.
 
I land in front of him, and as he backs away, I see the hurt I’ve caused him.
 
Eyes that were twinkling with happiness are now just dull.
 
The smile is gone and a frost has moved in.

Tears come to my eyes and they don’t stop there.
 
Soon they’re on my cheeks and my lip is quivering.

“You called me Austin,” he says, his voice rough.
 
He’s sad, that much is clear, and I hate that I caused his pain.

“It was an accident.”

“I’m not Austin.”

“I know you’re not.”
 
I can’t keep the trembling away.
 
It’s like the temperature in the room has dropped twenty degrees the way I’m shaking.

“Are you sure about that?”

I want to assure him.
 
I want to nod and say absolutely,
Yes, I’m sure you’re not him, Tarin
.
 
But I’m just not convinced my heart knows what my brain does.
 
And if I know nothing else about myself now, I at least know those two parts of me need to be thinking and working towards the same thing, or my life will always be a mess.

I let out a long, shaky breath.
 
“I’m sorry, Tarin.
 
I know you’re Tarin, but sometimes my memories of Austin are really near the surface when you’re around.
 
I don’t know why.”

“Is it because I was there.
 
When he … you know … died?”

“No.
 
I thought that was the reason, but no.”
 
I shake my head emphatically.
 
I want him to believe me because it’s one hundred percent the truth.

“What is it then?
 
You wish I was him, don’t you?”

I grab Tarin’s biceps and squeeze them, desperate to make him understand, or at least not misunderstand.
 
“No!
 
Don’t think that.
 
Please, don’t think that.
 
I don’t wish you were anyone but you.”

“Would you bring Austin back if you could?”

I open my mouth to say,
Yes, of course
… but the words don’t come.
 
I shut my mouth and think about my answer a little longer.
 
Do I wish he was here?
 
Do I want him in my life?
 
If I could have him here right this second, how would it feel?

“Well?” he prompts me.

“That’s weird,” I finally say.

“What’s weird?”

My hands drop to my sides and I look at the floor, frowning as I review my confusing thoughts.
 
“I was going to say yes, but then … I just couldn’t.”
 
I look up into Tarin’s eyes, the revelation hitting me like a ton of bricks.
 
“It felt like a lie.”

“Do you think it would have felt like a lie a month ago?”

It only takes me two seconds to find the answer to this question.
 
I shake my head no.

“Can I ask you a really rude question?” he says.
 
His energy is picking up again; I can practically feel it.
 
So is mine.
 
Something big is about to happen to us.
 
I wish I knew what it was so I could prepare myself.
 
I so don’t like this flying by the seat of my pants shit.

“Can I stop you from asking it?” I ask, a smile sneaking out.

He smiles back.
 
“No.
 
I’m kind of pushy that way.”
 
He puts his hands out between us in a calming gesture. “My question is this … and don’t freak out … just let me explain …”
 
He puts his hands on my shoulders.
 
“Scarlett, will you have sex with me?
 
Like, right now?”

I step back away from him so quickly, I forget the wall is behind me and bang my back, head, and heels against it.
 
“Sorry, what?” I sputter out.
 
Granny gown!
 
Morning breath!
 
Run!

“Hear me out.
 
I’m not being a total rapist here … there’s a method to my madness.”

“Oh, I’ll bet.”
 
I take a side step towards my room, wondering what are the chances that I can get in there where my bathroom and toothpaste are before he catches me.
 
The idea of having sex with him again is not at all distasteful; quite the opposite, in fact.
 
God, how I want to see him naked again.
 
But the idea of him catching a whiff of my morning breath, however?
 
Yeah.
 
Not gonna happen.
 
I had garlic sticks last night.
 
Fucking Jack and his Italian food.

“No, seriously,” he continues, pressing his case, “see, I was thinking … the last time we were together like that, we’d been drinking and that song Jack wrote was still out there in the air, and you were all wrapped up in the emotions and whatever.
 
I feel like I kind of took advantage of that.
 
Right now, you’re all good, right?
 
Totally sober.
 
It’s not even night time, so you’re not caught up in any music or club atmosphere.
 
And you’ve had almost a month break from me.”

“So?”

“So, if you and I can still connect like we did that last time, then we’ll know it was for real.”

“What was for real?”
 
He’s making no sense at all.
 
I don’t know if he’s talking about sex or
us
or the price of tea in China at this point.

His shoulders sag.
 
“Aw, come on, Scar.
 
Don’t play me like that.
 
You know I wasn’t the only one feeling that stuff that night, right?”
 
He reaches out a hand towards me, but when I shrink away as much as possible, he lets it drop back to his side.

“I don’t know what to say, Tarin.
 
Mostly because you’re confusing the shit out of me right now.”

He shrugs, his happiness faded out almost to nothing.
 
“The way I see it is you’ve got two choices.
 
Either tell me to stay or tell me to go.
 
If I stay, we’re doing this.
 
We’re going to get naked and get to know each other real well.
 
At least I
hope
we can do this one thing so we can see if it’s real or not.”

I can’t believe how stupid he’s being, now that I know what he’s actually saying.
 
I stomp my foot.
 
“Sex isn’t the litmus test for a relationship, Tarin!”

“No, I know that.
 
But sex like we had?
 
I’ve never had it like that before!” He starts to reach for me but then thinks better of it and just gestures around wildly.
 
“I know someday when I’m with my forever girl, I want the sex to be like that.
 
Like I had with you.
 
I just need to know if it’s
you
.
 
If
you’re
the one.
 
Because I already know you have the other things I’ve been looking for, but the chemistry is important.”
 
He smiles at me and shrugs, letting his hands fall to his sides.
 
“What can I say?
 
I like sex.”
 
He’s smiling at me!
 
Argh!
 
Why does he have to do that?!

I swallow with difficulty.
 
“You need to know if I’m the one, you said.”
 
I’m tapping my toe super fast, unable to keep still I’m so nervous.
 
“The one for what, Tarin?”
 
I’m not playing games; I’m just not sure I understand what he’s saying.
 
I know what I
want
him to mean, but the way we keep misunderstanding each other, I can’t trust my assumptions anymore.
 
I cannot imagine anything more humiliating than thinking he wants to be in a real relationship with me when all he’s after is a long distance booty call.

He looks me in the eyes and gives me the smile of a young teen boy, still untouched by fame and not yet disillusioned by the world’s disappointments.
 
“I need to know if you’re my forever girl.”

Chapter Forty-Five

I SHOULD DO THE MATURE, adult, responsible thing and tell him to go get a hotel room and stay there.
 
I shouldn’t even entertain the idea of sex being an entrance exam for a relationship.
 
I should just lock myself in my room alone until he leaves the apartment.
 
Too bad my sex drive is chauffeuring my life
 
around right now.

“Fine,” I say.
 
“On one condition.”
 
My body’s already tingling with anticipation.

His eyes are practically sparkling.
 
“Name it.”

“You give me five minutes to get ready before we start.”

“Two minutes,” he says stepping closer.

“Three!”
 
I sidestep towards my door.
 
“And you wait out here.”

“Done.” He looks at his phone.
 
“I just set my timer.
 
Better hurry.”
 
He looks up and winks at me and my heart flips over.

I literally run down the hallway and into my bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me.

“Shit, shit,shit!”
 
I dash over to the walk-in closet and want to scream at its empty interior.
 
The only thing in there is a pile of my clothes I haven’t bothered to wash since I’ve arrived.
 
My new line of homeless wear.
 
That’s not going to work
.
 
Wearing anything in that pile would be only effective as a repellant.

I go into the bathroom and squeeze a huge blob of toothpaste onto my toothbrush and work at making my teeth so fresh and shiny that he won’t notice I have nothing sexy to wear.
 
My hair is ridiculously awful, since I slept on it wet.
 
A brush and a few clumps of ripped out knots later, and at least it’s not sticking out in eight different directions anymore.

I jerk my nightgown over my head and jump in the shower, soaping every crevice on my body, scrubbing my skin until it glows.
 
I’m just shutting off the water when I hear my door shut.

“Tarin are you in here already?”
 
My heart’s going triple-time.

“Time’s up.
 
Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

“Stay in there!
 
I’ll be right out, I promise!”
 
Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!
 
He’s out there and he wants to have sex!
 
Ahhh!

“You have thirty seconds before I come in after you.”

I grab the nearest towel and dry myself off as best I can with shaking hands.
 
I’ve gone cold with the panic and the air conditioning on my wet body, so now I’m covered in goosebumps.
 
My legs immediately grow stubble all over, even though they were just shaved last night.
 
Dammit!
 
Cactus legs!

Wrapping the towel around me and tucking it in near my armpit, I take one last look at myself in the mirror and then go out into the bedroom.
 
Tarin’s standing by the bed in only his underwear, a pair of black boxer briefs that leave little to the imagination.
 
His tattoos wind around well-defined muscles that are at least a third bigger than the last time I saw them.

“Whoa,” I say, stopping my tracks.
 
He looks fantastic.

“Nice, right?”
 
He’s grinning from ear to ear.
 
“Watch this.”
 
He gives me a double bicep pose that has my knees going weak, but when he slowly shifts into the Atlas god position, showing not only those biceps again but triceps, back and leg muscles, I’m a mess.

“How in the hell did you do that in such a short period of time?”
 
I’m drawn to him, unable to stop moving forward.
 
I have to touch him to see if he’s real.
 
I’m afraid of my emotions, but more afraid of letting him slip away.
 
This seems too good to be true.
 
He came out here to track me down and he wants to give me this?
 
Merry Christmas and happy birthday Scarlett.
 
Today is your lucky day.

“How did I do it?
 
With hard work and the help of Josh, Charlie, Zach, and Leonard.
 
Oh, and Scott.
 
Man, he’s a pest.
 
But it’s all paying off.”
 
He stands straight and rubs his hands up and down his chest and six-pack abs.
 
“I just needed to get rid of the padding and build up what was already there.”
 
He steps closer so we’re just a foot apart.
 
“You like what you see?”

“I like what I see, yes.”
 
I’m nodding while my gaze roams all over his body, finally stopping on his face.
 
Everything but his eyes are hard, harsh, tough-looking and dominating.
 
But his eyes … they’re soft and vulnerable, and filled with hope, probably just like mine are.

“I liked your other pajamas, but these are nicer,” he says, reaching up and hooking a finger in the top of my towel.

I grab onto it, holding it against my body.
 
“It’s just a towel.”
 
I can’t think of anything sexier to say and I cringe inwardly at my complete inability to play bedroom games.