By Proxy (17 page)

“Really, he’s too young and too dynamic for such a small school in the middle of nowhere. He should be the headmaster of a private school in Boston or New York. Did you know that Gardiner High School is ranked number one in the state of Montana? It is, and it’s all because of his ideas and programs. I know he’s been made offers, but he chooses to stay here in Gardiner.” She shrugged, looking uncomfortable, worried. “His family’s in Maine. He goes to see them Christmas week, usually, but it depends on when Christmas falls. If school goes right up to Christmas Eve, it’s almost impossible for him to get home. He’d be stuck in Chicago or Minneapolis for Christmas morning, which means he’s sort of stuck here without family. Of course we welcome him into ours.”

Of course. And of course he wants to make that family connection official.
Sam put his burger down, his appetite fading fast. He finished off his beer.

“And then we go to Christmas morning services. After that, we drive up to Bozeman to my aunt’s house, my mother’s sister, and spend the day with family and cousins. Come home late at night or stay over if the weather’s bad. My aunt does a huge Norwegian Christmas meal and….and…that’s it, I guess. I’m off from Christmas Eve until New Year’s Day, so I get a nice long break.”

“What do you do? With all that time? Travel?” He suggested hopefully.

She gave him a look. “Travel! What…like to Hawaii? Ha! No. Sometimes I do go up and spend a day or two in Great Falls. Once I even stayed overnight in a hotel and treated myself to shopping and a concert. That’s when Ingrid still lived there, though, and so I had a partner in crime.” She winked merrily. “Otherwise, I read. Spend time with my Pappa. Go ice fishing with Lars until Paul gets home. Visit neighbors. Take walks in the park. Volunteer at church if they need painting or a closet re-organized or something like that. Just a quiet week off.”

Ask her! Ask her to come to Chicago for Christmas break! It’s the perfect time!

“How about you?” she asked, finishing her Coke and sitting back in her chair. “What’s your Christmas like?”

He sighed. The moment was gone. “Well, my office has a huge Christmas party, generally at a nightclub or other cool spot. Loud music, cocktails. I generally get invited to a lot of Christmas parties.”

“Fancy ones?”

He thought of the one last year that included a jolly Santa Claus, surrounded by beautiful women dressed as elves, handing out kisses and vodka shots. “Mmm. Some.”

“What else?”

“I don’t know. They decorate Chicago. There’s Christmas music everywhere, and decorations. The big department stores have great decorations, so I try to walk by to check them out. My office has a Christmas tree in the lobby.” Everything he was offering sounded so pathetic compared to the traditional warmth of Jenny’s Christmas plans.

She nodded. “Do
you
get a tree?”

“Pepper didn’t like the needles. So, we didn’t…”

“You
lived
together?” She spoke quickly and Sam could hear the surprise in her voice, and something else. Disappointment.
Damn it.

Sam sighed, playing with the edge of the table. “Not technically. I kept my apartment.”

“But, you
mostly
lived with her.” Her voice was soft and unsure, like she was realizing something unpleasant.

He scoffed and licked his lips, uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to say. Yes, when they were together he had slept at Pepper’s place three or four nights a week.
It’s just what people do when they’re together. It doesn’t mean anything.
But it did mean something to Jenny, and he hated the thought that he was letting her down.

“I had a key to her place,” he admitted, looking her in the eyes, deciding that honesty was the best course of action. “Yes. I spent a lot of time there.”

Jenny looked down.

Sam didn’t know what to say, so he was quiet. Was he proud of his shallow relationship with Pepper? No. But, at a certain time and place in Sam’s life, Pepper had been what he needed. Without knowing her and letting her go, he wouldn’t have been able to figure out what he was looking for. Still, he felt an almost overwhelming urge to comfort Jenny, to reassure her, to tell her that she was twice the woman that Pepper was. He just didn’t want to apologize for his life.

Finally he reached his hand toward her, tapping the table in front of her to get her attention. When she looked up he caught the uncertainty in her glance, so he cocked his head to the side like all of the Lindstroms did and offered gently, “It’s in the past, Jen. Feels like a lifetime ago. I realized who I was with Pepper isn’t who I want to be.”

He watched with wonder as her eyes softened and her lips tilted up in a small smile. He knew he’d managed to redeem himself. He also realized that he meant what he said. He wanted to be better than the man who had settled for Pepper Pettway. A man worthy of—

“What about your family? Don’t you see them at Christmas?”

His heart thumped as he realized where his thoughts had been headed and felt relieved for the distraction her question offered. He pictured his family, thinking he’d like to spend more time with them this year, maybe.

“Sure. I head up to my Mom and Dad’s on Christmas morning, usually. Sometimes on Christmas Eve. My sisters come, and the girls. This year Colin, too, I guess. The kids make it really fun. Heidi’s a pip, begging for her presents on Christmas Eve. The ones my Mom puts under the Christmas tree from her and my Dad before Santa comes. But Colleen stays firm. She has to wait until Christmas morning. Sometimes I try to sneak her one behind Coll’s back, but Heidi cackles with laughter and I shove it back under the tree before Coll or Mom catch me… It becomes like a game.”

Jenny chuckled. “Oh, that sounds fun. Kids must make it the best.” She drew circles on the table with her finger. She whispered her next question without looking up. “Do you want kids, Sam?”

“Someday. With you.” He heard the words come out of his mouth before he could stop them, and his eyes flew open in horror.

Her head snapped up and her mouth dropped open in a shocked “O.”

He rushed to fix his error, tripping over his words. “
Like
you. Like how you said ‘Someday
.
’ When I asked if you wanted kids, you said ‘Someday,’ right? Like that. Like.
Like
you. Not w—”

He let his words ebb off and stared at her in bewilderment.
Stop talking, Sam. You’re digging a hole to China. Put away the shovel, stop talking, just shut up.

He couldn’t tell if she was offended or amused. Her face was impossible to read one way or the other but turning pinker by the second, her blue eyes wider than Frisbees. He could not believe those words had come out of his mouth.

First the Pepper cohabitation stuff and then this? He could work a whole room in Chicago, leaving with millions of dollars for investments after a slick and witty pitch, every word like a perfectly positioned missile.
Where exactly is that verbal precision now, Sammy?
He knew where. Gone. Somehow stolen by the fresh-faced, blonde, blue-eyed beauty who sat across from him.

“I-I’m going to go ask Lars about, um, tomorrow’s supper.” She hopped up, leaving him alone to berate himself in blessed peace.

He stared at the table, shaking his head in disbelief and only looked up again when the waitress asked what else she could bring
.

The last five minutes of my life back?

“The check. Now. Please.” 

Chapter 8

With you. With you.
She wasn’t about to bring it up or ask him about that slip, but she was still reeling from the words.
Someday. With you.

She believed one hundred percent that he had misspoken. His eyes couldn’t have been more horrified and shocked when the words popped out of his mouth. But once they were out, they were out. He couldn’t
un-say
them, and she couldn’t get them out of her head. She couldn’t stop wondering if there might be a grain of truth to them.

As they walked the short distance in awkward silence toward Arch Park, Jenny couldn’t help but think about what their children might look like.
Blonde hair like me, or with red highlights like him. They could have blue eyes, or brown…they’d have his long lashes and they’d be tall, for sure, and maybe
—

“This way, Jen?”

She was grateful he couldn’t see her face flush in the darkness.

She nodded, gesturing to the small park down the street to the right. She forced the lovely, dreamy thoughts from her mind, chastising herself.

He didn’t mean it, for heaven’s sake! Get a hold of yourself!

But try as she might, the images were already there: Sam with a red-headed toddler on his shoulders as she walked beside him holding his hand.

Dangerous territory, Jen. Don’t forget he’s leaving on Monday
. She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing away the yearning that threatened to make her eyes water.

Thankfully when she opened them again, they were almost at the park and she distracted herself with the annual festivities. Most of Gardiner turned out for the tree lighting, so the community park was full of holiday cheer. Christmas carols played over a loudspeaker at the bandstand. Red-cheeked children, ready for the “official” start of the Gardiner Christmas season, scurried around merrily, turning their eyes up toward the top of the giant Christmas tree where a gray, unlit star was about to light up their world. A bonfire behind the bandstand scented the air with the smell of burning logs and created a nice spot for hand-warming while waiting for the thousands of rainbow-colored twinkle lights to brighten the small park.

The music suddenly stopped, and the head of the Chamber of Commerce stood up in the little bandstand, which was dwarfed like a doll’s house beside the enormous tree. In one hand he held the plug for the lights and in the other a massive extension cord. He welcomed everyone to the Annual Gardiner Tree Lighting and started the countdown. “Ten…nine…eight…seven…”

Jenny stood beside Sam, smiling like a six-year-old, bunching up her shoulders and biting her bottom lip as she kept her gaze fixed on the star at the top of the tree. She felt Sam’s warm, bare hand take hers and her tummy leapt with a flurry of happiness: for Christmas, for the tree lighting, for the magic of him standing next to her holding her hand. “Three…two…one!”

In an instant the entire park was aglow with thousands of rainbow-colored lights and a giant white sparkling star. The music started up again, and the entire crowd broke into a chorus of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” Parents held up small children to take in the full length of the tree, old sweethearts pecked, and new sweethearts…
Well,
Jenny thought,
new sweethearts held hands shyly, looking up at the tree and then at each other with wonder.

“Merry Christmas, Sam,” she mouthed, smiling up at him, feeling like they were the only two people in the world.

“Merry Christmas, Jen,” he answered, squeezing her hand and lacing his fingers through hers. They stayed for a few more minutes to enjoy the merriment before Sam asked, “Should I walk you home?”

With most of the townsfolk still enjoying the caroling, the streets leading back to town were quiet. They were well away from the cacophony of the crowded park when Jenny spoke, holding Sam’s hand tightly as she walked the balance beam of the curb. “I’m thinking pajamas, hot chocolate and a Christmas movie with Casey.”

“Sounds cozy,” he said, tugging her hand to pull her closer to him as they walked.

“I don’t suppose you’d like to…”

“To what?”

“Would you like to…er…”

“Would I like to come over and watch a movie with you?”

“You don’t make it easy,” she sighed.

“I can’t help it. I
love
it. I love teasing you.” He brought their hands to his lips and kissed hers as they walked along.

A wave of pleasure rippled through her.
A memory I want to keep.
“So?”

“I don’t know, Jen. Just you and me in your apartment. Alone. I’m not sure about your intentions. You’re not going to…to take advantage of me, are you? I wouldn’t want the other girls in town to think I go gallivanting around watching movies with just anyone. Is my virtue safe?”

“Safer than it was in Chicago,” she said, getting the better of him.

He chuckled beside her and she sensed how much he was enjoying their banter. “Phew! Okay. That’s a relief. Yes, I will come watch a Christmas movie with you. But you better keep your hands to yourself, Jenny. I mean it.”

She shook her head back and forth smiling as they made their way across the bridge. “You are an ass.”

He gasped in mock indignation. “
Jenny Lindstrom!
A swearword!”

She giggled merrily beside him. “An animal.”

“The back end of one.”

“As you said.”

“Do you kiss your father with that mouth?”

“I kissed
you
with that mouth.”

He stopped walking beside her, but their hands connected them and she had to drop his hand or stop and turn back to him. She stopped and turned. He was standing beside the last lamppost on the bridge, leaning against it with his arm outstretched to her. As she approached him in the dim light, she could see his eyes sparkling.

“No, Jen
. I
kissed
you
.” He pulled her closer. “But I’m open to a do-over if you’d like to substantiate that claim.”

He tugged her toward him and pinned the hand he was holding behind her back, eliminating any real distance between them. With her arm held behind her back, her chest was forced forward and she gasped lightly when his other arm snaked around her waist, pulling her flush against his chest. Trapped in his arms, she tilted her head back to see him. She raised her free hand and waggled it at him, smiling. “What was that about keeping my hands to myself?”

He grabbed it and pinned it with the other behind her back, holding her wrists gently. His voice was thick and soft. “You won’t need your hands.”