Cadha's Rogue (The Highland Renegades Book 5) (14 page)

Cadha’s eyes went wide. “What are they talking about?”

“Nothing,” Valc said. “Let’s just eat our supper and retire so Auden and I can leave in the morning.”

“But if this treasure belongs to you, we should help you retrieve it,” Erlan said. “That pirate shouldn’t be able to rob you, a citizen of Holland, our ally, of something you prize so greatly.”

“Certainly, if your former pirate lord can do it, the Bastard of Balfour can do it.” Valc found himself spitting out the words into a gaping silence. The entire table stopped chewing and looked at him.

“You mean, my father. You think my father steals things from people who don’t deserve it?” Cadha’s voice rose with each word and Erlan finally put out a hand between them.

“I meant to say that if you would like our help, you have it.” Erlan’s face turned almost as red as his hair. “I certainly didn’t intend to insult anyone.”

Valc tightened his smile. “Thank you for the lovely meal, Lady Sinclair. I think Brother Auden and I will find our beds and turn in. It’s been a long journey for all of us.”

The table tried to keep him in their company, but Valc was quickly losing his self-control. He didn’t want any help from anyone. He didn’t want any sympathy from anyone. He didn’t want any more attention.

He just wanted to leave this god-forsaken corner of the world and find a public house and nurse his broken heart for the rest of the foreseeable future. Most of all, he wanted not to have to look at Cadha any longer and pretend he fancied seeing her reunited with Erlan.

The red-haired fool followed him from the hall. He stopped Valc with an easy hand once they entered the passageway.

“I didn’t mean to say anything to offend you, sir,” Erlan said.

“You didn’t.”

“Tell me of this treasure the pirate stole.”

Valc chewed his lip. He hadn’t even told Cadha about Greta’s box. He couldn’t risk sharing the truth. They may be deep in Scotland, but history had proven, English spies were often the best at hiding in places you least expected them.

“My brother-in-law has been to Balfour,” Erlan continued. “The bay is hidden and can only be accessed by a landing party, if you intend to surprise them. You’ll never recover a ship on your own. Let us go with you. It’s the least I can do to repay you for bringing Cadha to me.”

“She paid me well.” Valc held up a hand. “No need for additional payment.”

“Cadha told me she only paid half the sum she promised. The rest was lost when she went overboard. So we still owe you.” Erlan squeezed Valc’s shoulder.

“Cadha owes me nothing.”

“This treasure is important to you. I can see that. Let us help you retrieve it, and we can return your ship to you. I will feel like we are even if I can do this.”

Valc stepped back, out of the man’s grip. “We are even.”

“I will gather my brother-in-law and his men, and we will leave with you in the morning. You’ll need a ship to take you to Balfour.”

“I have a ship,” Valc lied, hoping Erlan was less capable at spotting lies than the Scottish pirate had been.

“Not according to Cadha.”

“Well, Cadha doesn’t know everything about the world.” Valc forced a breath through his nose. The tightness in his stomach remained.

Auden came through the door into the hallway.

“Let me help you.” Erlan put a hand on the monk’s shoulder. “For Cadha, for justice.”

“We certainly could use the help.” Brother Auden nodded. “It will be an undertaking, even if we are fortunate. If we are not fortunate, there could be a battle.”

Valc threw up his hands. “I suppose I have no say in the matter.”

Erlan quirked up one side of his mouth and clapped Auden on the back. “You do not. We will join you in the morning.” He rejoined his party in the great hall and Brother Auden gazed after him.

“It will be good to have help.”

“Why did you mention the box?” Valc asked. “I told you that in strict confidence.”

“I am not your confessor.” Auden leaned against the wall. “You can expect no vow of silence from me. Besides, we could use the help.”

“Not from him.”

“This animosity you feel toward the young man. You should not let it eat at you like this, my brother. It will not end well.” Auden put his arm around Valc’s shoulders. “If God means her to be with you, then she will be. And if He, in his infinite wisdom, has given you over to love only to break your heart, then there will be a higher calling for you.”

Valc snorted in disgust, and the sound filled the hallway. “God should keep his callings to himself. I have no desire to join you in your madness, brother.”

“Not all callings are like mine, but all are holy.”

Valc pulled away from the monk and began to walk the halls. Would Erlan’s help in retrieving the ship be welcome? No, but it would be help, nonetheless.

Cadha snuck out of her small room and tiptoed down the hall. Maas had insisted she go to bed early, and she’d waited until everything was quiet before she stopped pretending to be asleep.

Valc’s room was nearly all the way across the castle, and she had to pass by most of the family rooms on her way to find him. She’d been listening keenly for Maas to tell Valc and Auden where they would sleep, and once she’d gotten her bearings, she spent most of her time with her eyes closed going over the route to him.

She passed a room where a man and a woman were still talking. Malcolm, now that she’d met the famed Scot, was more imposing than she had expected, and he scared Cadha with his stern looks. Kind to his nephews and nieces, he nevertheless sat a careful watch on the strangers at his table.

Cadha wouldn’t like to have to cross him. She had a hard enough time crossing in front of his room. But she recognized Lilian’s voice as they traded talk about Erlan and Cadha. Even Erlan’s own sister could see that Cadha seemed more sisterly than wifely.

“She will grow to love him,” Malcolm’s voice was deep and certain, and closer to the door than it had been. Cadha stopped and held her breath.

“But if she is reluctant with him in bed, it will hamper their happiness.”

“Does he love her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Didn’t you ask him?”

Lilian snorted. “Would you ask your brother if he’d ever thought about tupping his wife?”

“I know he has. I don’t have to ask.”

“Oh, Malcolm…” Lilian’s voice faded away from the door and Cadha released the breath she’d been holding. She couldn’t hear their conversation any longer, but she couldn’t deny it mirrored her own thoughts.

Until Valc, she hadn’t known the difference between loving a man and wanting to be his wife. She loved Maas—would always love him. But she wanted to be Valc’s wife. She wanted to share his bed.

She knew the difference now, and it plagued her.

A few more doors. She counted them, then listened at the crack, which showed a tiny sliver of light. Nothing. But this was Valc’s door, she was certain. Auden should have been in there, as well. They should be talking.

“I can hear you out there.”

Cadha jumped and looked through the crack. One of Valc’s dark eyes was staring at her, which made her jump again. She swatted at the door.

“You gave me a fright, Valc.”

“And finding a ghost at my door won’t frighten me?” He opened for her and stood in the gap, leaning against the frame.

“I thought you might have run off in the night.”

Valc drew one side of his mouth down. “You have such little faith in me?”

“It’s not that. I was afraid you would rather fight on your own.”

“I would.”

“Hello, Cadha,” Brother Auden called from somewhere inside the room. “Why don’t you come inside before someone sees you?”

She looked around the large, empty hallway. “I’m not worried about being seen.”

“Obviously not. Carry on, then.” Auden lit a candle and held it up to his face. “Would you at least like a light?”

“Just come inside.” Valc sighed and moved from the door so she could see all the way into the room. “You wouldn’t want your betrothed seeing you in another man’s room at night.”

“Valc.” She frowned. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Maas sooner. But it was complicated…”

“It always is.” He crossed his arms and leaned against a pole that rose out of the corner of one of the beds. “I told you, it’s better this way.”

“It’s not better this way.” She mirrored his frustration. “I’ve been infatuated with Maas since I was a little girl. But I’ve never before felt about someone the way I feel about you.”

Valc worked his jaw. Brother Auden laid out on his bed and closed his eyes. Cadha would rather not have had this conversation with a monk listening in. But it couldn’t be avoided. She certainly couldn’t take Valc to her room, and she wouldn’t ask Auden to leave. They could all be civilized adults about this.

“You don’t know what you feel, Cadha.” Valc shook his head and sat on his bed.

“I know how I feel about you.”

“And how do you feel about your betrothed?”

“Stop calling him that.”

“That’s what he is, isn’t he? You promised to marry him, and not for a political alliance or a family obligation.”

She swallowed hard. Her heart pushed her forward, into the room. Auden stayed as he was, but Valc started when she sat on the bed beside him. He glanced at the monk, then at her. But Cadha didn’t care who was watching.

“I know how I feel about you.” She touched his stubbled cheek and he closed his eyes.

“Cadha. You shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Just let me say this.” She turned his face toward her and held him there. “I know that I love you.”

“But you love Erlan. I see it on your face.”

“He is like my brother. I will never not love him. But I love you in a different way.” Cadha tried to let all the caged emotion out, and she leaned in to kiss him.

Valc stopped her with firm hands on her shoulders. “I’m not going to be this man. I refuse to be the illicit lover that you turn to because it excites you that you shouldn’t be with me. I’m not going to be the person you cling to in desperation because you want to repeat that frenzy of having survived death.”

She couldn’t speak. She wanted to keep leaning into his mouth and feel the pressure of his lips on hers and his body against hers. Was she really only indulging some wild need to feel alive?

“You began this journey because you loved a man.”

“And I found a different kind of love along the way—a truer, deeper love,” she insisted. “The affection I bear for Maas is not the same.” Cadha tried to move toward him, but he restrained her with force, and placed her on her feet near the bed.

His downcast eyes nearly dripped in sadness. “I don’t believe that.”

“I don’t care if you believe it. It’s true.”

Valc stood. He took the candle that Auden had lit and offered it to Cadha, but she refused it.

“I’m leaving in the morning.” He held the flickering flame between them. “When Erlan returns, he will take you to your father and the two of you can settle what’s between you.”

“Don’t do this,” she begged. She tried to take a step toward him, but he backed up with her advance.

He met her eyes and held them. “I have been in love with you since the moment we met. I know Erlan loves you, as well. It’s not fair to your future to ask you to choose today.”

Her insides churned and she tried to move toward him again, but he backed away and held the candle out to her. “The feelings you have experienced in the last few days are probably more intense than anything you’ve known in your life. I don’t want you to make the wrong choice.”

“You’re not the wrong choice.” She reached for him, but he put the candle into her hand instead.

“I am right now.” He took her other hand and placed a heartbreaking kiss on her palm.

Valc took her arm and led her to the door. Cadha was so shocked, she didn’t know what to say. She’d expected begging and angry words and intensity. Instead, she felt like she’d been given warm milk and put under the covers with the sniffles.

She wanted to punch him and kiss him and hug him and thank him, all at once. Instead, she leaned into his touch and stopped at the door.

“I’m going to choose you, Valc. Just know that.”

He winced and a shadow passed over his face. “Go to bed, Cadha.”

“Don’t leave without saying goodbye.” She stepped into the hall.

The door closed behind her and his low voice echoed in the passageway. “This is goodbye.”

She turned to protest, but he was gone. Cadha slipped down the hall toward her room, still warm from his touch. He didn’t know what he was saying. There was no desperation in the feelings she’d developed for him. It was love, pure and simple.

And what she felt for Maas was love, too. It was stable and long-suffering and comforting. But the deep emotion she had for Valc was consuming and passionate.

Having experienced it made her hungry for more. Maas would understand. He was like her brother, after all. He wanted what was best for her, and if Valc was best for her, he would understand.

She made her choice and Valc was it. When all this mess with his ship was over, she would tell him how much she needed him. She would take him home to meet her father, and she would ask Maas—Erlan—for his blessing as well.

But Valc was hers, and she would never let him go.

Chapter Sixteen

Valc was amazed at how much the salt air calmed him. The feel of the wind on his face gave him a peace, a centeredness. He truly felt at home.

Somehow, whenever life seemed to fall apart, he could board a ship, head out to sea, and everything made sense. Auden had scolded him for sending Cadha away the previous night. He’d been even more condescending when they left at dawn without seeing her.

The monk was surprisingly motherly for an athletic young man. He would have made a good father.

Valc had forced Cadha to leave for her own good. Auden would see that. Cadha would see it someday, as well. There was a special kind of bond you formed with someone who helped you escape death. It mirrored love, but it wasn’t.

If he gave her time, she would want him for himself. Or she wouldn’t, and he could move on with life. Perhaps Valc could speak with Auden about this monk business. It seemed more peaceful than pirating.