Caelen's Wife: Book One - A Murmur of Providence (Clan McDunnah Series 1) (10 page)

Appalled at her accusation, he spread his feet apart with his hands resting on his hips and asked, “What have I lied about?”

“I be a woman full grown, Caelen. Just as none have ever accused ye of bein’ a liar, none have ever accused
me
of bein’ beautiful.”

He found that rather difficult to believe and told her just that.

“I’ve been aware of me plainness me whole life,” she explained. “Would ye like to know why
I am so skilled with a sword, knives, and other weaponry?”

“I did no’ lie,” he replied. Truthfully, he did not care what anyone else thought or why she was so skilled.

“I have three older brothers. They spoiled me from the time I was born. As a small child, I did no’ want to play with dolls or be at me mum’s side all the day long. I wanted to be with me brothers. They gave me me first wooden sword when I was but two.”

“And ye’ve been fightin’ like a man ever since, aye?”

She gave a slow shake of her head. “Nay. I put the weapons down when I discovered that no’ all lads smell bad and they might be useful fer somethin’ other than swordplay and the like.”

He couldn’t imagine her without a weapon within reach.

“But the lads, ye see, were no interested in me in any kind of romantic way. Because I was plain Fiona or that homely McCray lass. I was no’ beautiful like the other girls, like Bridgett, who the lads practically tripped over their own tongues to get to, and still do.”

“Aye, Bridgett is
a lovely young woman,” he said. “But no’ near as beautiful as ye.”

Ignoring his comment, she went on. “Me marriage to James was arranged because James’ father felt he owed a debt to mine. I heard the people whisperin’ behind me back, sayin’
The only way the plain lass could get James was through an arrangement between the fathers and ‘twould be the only way the lass would ever get married fer she be just too plain.”

Caelen listened intently. While he felt sorry for her having to suffer such cruel remarks, Fiona behaved as though none of it mattered. Undeniably, she believed what she had heard others say about her and was apparently unbothered by it. Did she truly not care? Did she truly believe she was plain or homely? He didn’t think he’d ever met a woman — or man — who wasn’t at least a little bit vain.

“I tried to be a verra good wife to James. I learned to cook, to sew, to run the keep. He wasn’t a cruel man, but neither was he warm and affectionate. When I discovered that I was no’ impressin’ him as a good and dutiful wife, I picked up me sword and knives, hopin’ he’d be impressed with me skills.”

“Did it work?”

“Nay, it did no’ work.”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I do no’ care what ye think or anyone else for that matter. I think yer more than just bonny. Ye are a beautiful woman, Fiona McPherson.”

“I ken what I look like, McDunnah. I’ve seen me own reflection on more than one occasion,” she told him. “Me nose is crooked because it has been broken twice. Me hair is thin and just as plain as the rest of me face. I do no’ have those soft luscious curves that men desire. Instead, I have muscles like a man’s. I do no’ have alabaster skin, fer I’ve spent far too much time in the sun.”

The scowl she wore along with her sharp words warned that she was growing quite irritated with him.

“Would ye like to ken what I see when I look at ye?” He did not wait for her answer. “I happen to like that wee little bump on yer nose, it gives ye character. As fer yer hair? When the sun shines upon it, like it is now, it looks like fine gold threads and I imagine it to be as soft as the finest silk. Sometimes, the sunlight brings out the wee bit of red in it too. And yer eyes? They be a most brilliant green, like fresh spring grass. And yer lips? Those I’ve kissed and ken well the joy that can be found in them. As fer curves?” He took a long, slow perusal with his eyes, starting at her feet and ending at her eyes. “Ye have verra womanly curves, the kind I’d like to take a lifetime to get to know.”

“Yer daft!”

He stopped any further protests by taking her in his arms and kissing her as he had been wanting to for days.

He met only slight resistance as he pressed his lips to hers before he felt her begin to melt in his arms. As he remembered, her lips were soft and warm. Within moments, she was returning his kiss with a passion that rivaled his own. He ached with want and desire, and prayed she’d not bite him again.

Unable to ever remember experiencing such an immediate and intense connection with a woman, he was soon close to bursting through his trews. The more he kissed her, the more he wanted her, and the more he began to realize he wanted her on more than just a physical level. ’Twas a quite terrifying realization, one that shook him to his very soul.

Fiona felt the fire of passion burning clear to her toes and her fingertips. Every fiber of her being ached with a need, a desire she’d never felt before. It scared the bloody hell out of her.

Before she could say or do anything that she knew she would later regret, she pulled away from his warm lips and said the first thing that came to her mind. “Why did ye do that?”

His smile, a combination of warmth and mischievousness, endeared him to her all the more. He might very well have meant every beautiful word he had spoken, yet, Fiona knew in her heart that nothing could come of this.

“Because I wanted to. In truth, I’ve thought of little else but ye these many days and nights.”

“Do no’ ever do that again,” she whispered. A great sadness began to settle in over her heart. Finally, a man who appeared to desire her, to want her, even care for her. And she could not have him. It simply would not work. She could not risk her clan losing themselves to a large clan.

“Did ye no’ like the kiss?” he asked, looking quite serious.

“Aye, I did.” ’Twas true for she had never before experienced such a passionate, hot, mind-numbing kiss before. She stepped away from him, searching for words she did not wish to speak but knew she must. “Caelen, we can be nothin’ more than allies — friends at best. I have to think of me people first.”

“Tell me why? Why can we only be friends and allies? Why can there no’ be anythin’ more?”

“Would ye give up everythin’, yer clan, bein’ chief, everythin’ ye ever knew, just to be with me?”

He could not answer honestly, for he did not know. Refusing to lie, he said, “I do no’ ken, Fi. All I ken with any certainty is that I’m drawn to ye, like a bee to a beautiful flower. I’ve never felt like this, with any other woman before, no’ even me first wife. Ye be the first thing I think of when I awake each morn. I think of ye all the day long, and when I try to sleep, all I think of is ye.”

Fiona took in a deep, slow breath. It mattered not that he desired her. What did matter, the only thing that truly mattered, was her clan. “Ye need to stop thinkin’ of me Caelen. Fer the sake of our clans, fer the sake of both of us, ye need to stop.”

H
e had
no desire to stop thinking of her. How it happened exactly, he could not say, but she had become important to him. She had managed to disassemble that old, protective barrier around his heart.

Without even trying, she had managed to get his heart to feel something again, something other than guilt and remorse. For the first time in many, many years, he felt happy and alive.

How had it happened?

Something — fate or God — had brought the two of them together. For what purpose, he did not know just yet. Was God saying
ye’ve mourned enough, ’tis time to move on?
If that was the case, then why get him this
close to paradise, to the chance at having a relatively normal existence, only to take it away?

Mayhap Fiona only needed time to assess what she felt for him. Mayhap she still mourned the loss of her husband. Mayhap she was just as terrified as he was at the possibilities that lay before them.

“I will give ye time to think, Fiona, to think of what ye might be feelin’ about me.”

She shook her head and stepped away. “I do no’ need time, Caelen. I ken how I feel for ye.”

Following beside her, he asked, “And what do ye feel fer me?”

Tears pooled in her eyes. “It matters no’ what or how I feel. Me clan comes first, above all else, just as yer clan does. Please, ask no more of me than friendship. I could no’ bear to lose that, Caelen.”

Before he could beg her to reconsider, she ran away from him, leaving him feeling quite bereft and abandoned.

Her clan.
She was sacrificing her own happiness for them. Understanding that mindset all too well, for he knew he would do the same for his own, he stayed behind in the forest for a little while, to be alone with his thoughts.

There had to be a way for them to be together. He’d not been brought this far to give up now. He hadn’t allowed his heart to feel again, only to have it crushed again.

Nay, Fiona McPherson,
he thought.
I will find a way fer us to be together if ’tis the last thing I ever do.

A
ny feelings
or desire Fiona may have for Caelen could never be acted upon. While her mind told her she had made the right decision, her heart begged to differ. There was a powerful ache in her heart.

Were he not the chief of his own clan or she hers then they might have been able to act upon their mutual admiration for one another. As it stood, however, she could not. Thankfully, he had not immediately followed her out of the forest.

When he finally did emerge and came to her in the gathering room, he behaved as though nothing had happened between them. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it? To pretend he did not care for her the way he did? Hadn’t she begged him to deny his feelings for her, yet remain friends? Then why did it hurt so?

Promising to keep her apprised of anything he might learn, Caelen and his men left not long after the noonin’ meal. Immediately, she went in search of Bridgett for she desperately needed someone to talk to.

“He kissed ye again?” Bridgett asked after Fiona had explained what had happened in the forest. “Did Henry and Robert see?” she asked as she took a seat opposite Fiona. They were in Fiona’s private bedchamber, sitting before the hearth.

“What does that matter?” Fiona asked, her voice filled with frustration.

Bridgett giggled, “Because if William finds out, he might want to defend yer reputation.”

“Over a kiss?” Fiona shook her head. “I did no’ sleep with the man! And I be a widow for goodness sake! Many women take lovers, ’tis nothin’ new.”

“William will no’ see it that way, Fiona.” Her expression had turned more serious.

“Need I remind ye — as well as William — that
I
be the chief of this clan? That I be a woman full grown and do no’ need anyone’s permission to do anythin’?” Immediately, she regretted sounding so harsh. She knew Bridgett was only trying to help. “I be sorry, Bridgett. I did no’ mean to bite yer head off. ’Tis no’ ye I be mad at.” She stood and began pacing in front of her bed.

“Who be ye mad with?”

She had no good or clear answer for she herself wasn’t quite sure. Mayhap ’twasn’t a person she was upset with, but what she believed was her destiny, her providence.

“I do no’ think I be mad at anyone,” she admitted as she chewed on her thumbnail, something she hadn’t done in years. ’Twas a habit that had taken years to overcome and now, here she was taking it up again. “I be only frustrated.”

Bridgett nodded as if she understood. “Because ye’ve gone too long without a man in yer bed.”

Fiona waved away her friend’s assessment. “Nay, that be no’ it!” At least not all of it.

“Then why, pray tell, are ye so upset? Be it that you do have feelin’s fer the McDunnah?”

Aye, she had feelings for him. Feelings she could never act upon. Feelings that she wasn’t sure she wholly understood.

“Aye, I do like the McDunnah,” she admitted. “But it means nothin’ because me first devotion must be to the clan. I have to ensure to everyone else’s safety and well-bein’ first.”

Bridgett stood and came to stand in front of Fiona. “Even at the sacrifice of yer own happiness?”

Sadly enough, that was true. “Aye, Bridgett, even at the sacrifice of me own happiness. I must always do what is best fer our clan. That be one more reason why I’ve told all those who have proposed
n
ay. If I were to marry any of those chiefs, or their sons, then our clan would be absorbed into theirs. I promised James and his da both on their death beds that I would never allow that to happen. I’ll no’ be the reason why this clan fails.”

There it was. The truth.

As chief, her first priority was her people. Always, above and beyond all else, they came first. She would rather die a horrible, painful death than to break the promises she had made or the oath she had taken when she became the chief of the McPhersons. No matter how she yearned for children of her own. No matter the physical ache she felt at telling Caelen there could never be anything more between them than friendship. Her clan came first.

H
is plan
to get the McDunnahs and McPhersons to war with one another was failing miserably.

If the information his spies had given him was correct, then he was in a good deal of trouble. The two clan chiefs were quickly becoming allies, if not good friends. That wouldn’t do, it just would not do.

He needed three things. First, for Fiona McPherson to marry him or one of his closest allies. Secondly, he needed her to hate Caelen McDunnah with an unrivaled passion. And lastly, he needed access to McPherson lands. He had to get to those tunnels under Mount
Sidh Chailleann.
Thus far, he was failing on all fronts.

If he could not get the woman to see reason and marry him, thereby giving him unfettered access to the tunnels, then he would have to work harder to get her to hate the McDunnah. He could not risk them forming an alliance.

The McDunnah had alliances with far too many large clans replete with highly skilled warriors. The bond between the McDunnahs and MacDougalls was unparalleled. When one gave the call to arms, the other was the first to respond.

His own clan was large enough and skilled enough that he felt confident they would be able to defeat the McDunnahs. However, when their forces were combined with the MacDougalls, McKees, and Grahams, well, nothing short of a massacre could be guaranteed. There was no way he could take such a risk for there was far too much at stake.

Untold treasures and wealth lay in those tunnels beneath
Sidh Chailleann.

He would kill if he had to, to get to them.