Cafe Babanussa (15 page)

A harsh peal of laughter vibrated throughout the room. The woman had let go of her suitcase and was laughing at
her friends, inviting them in. Her whole body, round and full in its curves, echoed her amusement. She began speaking in German. “
Komm doch 'rein
. Come in, come in. Don't be afraid of them. They won't bite.” She looked at Ruby and her roommate and added, “Will you?” She eyed Frau Jungblut with a look that said,
Yes, I know you very well
. Then, resting her gaze on Ruby, she said, “You, you're not German. Turkish?”

Ruby shook her head.

“What are you, then? Where are you from?”

Ruby smiled at this old, familiar question that had followed her overseas. “My name is Ruby and I'm Canadian.”

The woman did a double take, her eyebrows rising right off her forehead. “Hah, Canadian.” She added brightly, “Well, they've captured quite a little corner of the world right in this room, eh? I'm Irina. I'm a Roma. From Romania.” She broke out into that wild laughter again, slapping her stumpy thighs, pleased with the alliteration. Behind her, her friends were nodding, smiling shyly, still not part of the conversation. Ruby was turning the word
Roma
over in her mind.

As if reading her thoughts, Irina snorted. “Ah yes, of course. You Americans know nothing.” She turned a cool eye on Frau Jungblut, now feigning sleep, and continued, “But maybe this is better than the Germans who know all but do nothing. Hah! Yes, Roma, we are what you call Gypsies. Roma, Sinti, Kale, Gypsy. Call us what you like, we are all over the world.”

She picked up the strap of her suitcase, jerked it like a recalcitrant puppy over to the only empty bed in the room. The
others followed. The mattress sighed underneath the weight of the valise. Irina whisked the zipper noisily along its track. Ruby watched eagerly as her new roommate unfolded the suitcase. First came the bottles, each carefully wrapped in black, red, pink panties, all satin and lace. Ruby strained to see the names but found it easier to make them up for herself. Dawn's Dew, Lascivious Lavender: the kind of scent that would wither your nose. Irina and her friends unpacked bottle after bottle. They were followed by slithery, slinky nightgowns that matched the panties that had snuggled the bottles so closely. Irina tossed these carelessly onto the bed. Next came shoes, spiky-heeled, shiny black ones, flat silver sandals, fuzzy pink slippers. Frau Jungblut sat up in her bed. Irina stopped fumbling with her clothes long enough to say, “Hi. I'm Irina. Who are you?”

Frau Jungblut sniffed the air, wrinkling her short, stubby nose. “What is that smell?” she demanded.

“Oh, it's probably these,” replied Irina, her chubby, ringed fingers holding up a pair of satin undies. “I spray them with my perfume. I mean, even in here you gotta smell nice.”

“Could you crack the window open? I feel a little faint.” Frau Jungblut held her hand over her mouth.

“Why certainly,” chuckled Irina, blinking thick black eyelashes at her friends.

“You didn't answer my question. This is Ruby. I'm Irina. Who are you?”

“Elke Jungblut” came the answer. Elke slid her body back under the covers, scowling at Irina's back as she watched her get up to open the window.

A man in a white coat entered the room.

Irina saluted him. “Hello, Dr. Heller. Nice to see you again.”

Dr. Heller was short and fit, with wiry brown hair. Ruby thought he looked awfully young.

“Hello, Irina,” he said kindly. “How are you?” Stepping up to her, he told her quietly that her guests would have to leave.

“Okay, Doc. I know the rules.”

While Irina ushered her friends out of the room, Dr. Heller took Ruby's hand firmly in his and gave it a resounding shake. She was aware that her hands were clammy, her grasp clumsy. Werner had told her that Germans regarded a strong, firm handshake as a sign of a strong, firm character. She felt weak.

“Nice to meet you, Frau Edwards. I wasn't on duty last night, but I hear you had a pretty rough go of it.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She paused before asking, “Did someone get hurt?”

“You knocked down a nurse. But you're lucky. She's okay.”

“What's going to happen now?” Ruby's voice was hushed as she looked at the doctor.

“Well, the medication you were taking before you were admitted was obviously not strong enough. They had to give you a pretty hefty dose of Haldol last night. It's what we call a neuroleptic. And a much more potent antipsychotic than what you were on. We're hoping it will be enough to prevent the kind of hallucinations you were having last night. If you don't get better and you continue to pose a safety threat, we'll have to move you to the other ward down the hall until you improve.”

“God, no,” Irina gasped, “don't send her there!”

Ruby's eyes welled up with tears. “I never thought things could get so out of control,” she stammered.

Dr. Heller took hold of her hand again. It was still shaking. “Listen, you're not alone here. I'm hoping we'll be able to help you. That's my job. Your job is to rest and take it easy on yourself. In the meantime, we'll start you on something that will help prevent the shaking. It's a common side effect of antipsychotic medication.”

He picked up a book that lay on the table next to Ruby's bed. “What's this you're reading?” he said, turning the book over. “Ah yes, Langston Hughes.”

Ruby had forgotten about the book. It was the only thing she had grabbed before leaving her apartment. She had left everything else. Werner could bring it later.

“Yeah,” Ruby responded. “Helps keep me sane. Helps me remember who I am.”

“Well, we'll do our best to get you out of here as soon as we can. I'll be meeting with you once a week in my office. We also have group therapy sessions that we like the patients to participate in, but you can take your time deciding about that. No rush. I'm here Monday to Friday, and every third weekend. If you have any questions, just come on down to my office, okay?”

Dr. Heller strode up to Frau Jungblut, who was sitting up in her bed, fidgeting.

“Doctor,” she burst out before he had a chance to begin. “Dr. Heller, I don't think I should be here. You know my hus
band brought me here against my will. I'm really fine, just a case of bad nerves. Harald, the jerk, he's just worried about me spending all his money. I, I'm not like them.” She waved a thin arm dismissively around the room.

Dr. Heller raised his eyebrows and reached for the file that was clipped to the end of her bed. “Well, Frau Jungblut, we'll have to see,” he murmured as he glanced over the notes. “Hmm. Says here that you threatened to kill your husband and jump out of your condominium window. Then you took an overdose of pills after he cut up your credit cards. I think we'll need a little time to straighten things out here, Frau Jungblut.”

Irina screeched, “Hey, way to go, Elke!”

Dr. Heller frowned at Irina and scolded, “I'll have none of that.” Turning back to Frau Jungblut, he said, “We'll have to wait until your weekly appointment with me to discuss this further. You'll need at least a few days to recover. I'll be talking with your husband in the meantime.”

Elke Jungblut's face had turned red as a beet. “Doctor,” she whined, “you can't leave me here with these, these . . . madwomen! Foreigners, stinking foreigners. And down the hall, the screaming. Please, I don't belong here,” she wailed, her blue eyes full of fear.

Irina jumped up off her bed and shouted, “Hey! Who you calling a madwoman? Who you callin' stinkin'? You better watch your mouth, bitch, 'cause you're stuck with us now.”

Dr. Heller stepped quickly to the door and signalled for a nurse. Then he clapped his hands together twice and said,
“Enough, Irina. Sit down right now or I'll have you removed in an instant.”

Dr. Heller waved a male nurse into the room. Throwing Irina a last glance of disapproval, he returned to Frau Jungblut's bed. “Frau Jungblut, you are being unreasonable. You must not upset yourself and the other patients like this. It will get you nowhere. I don't want to have you restrained, but if you force my hand, I will.”

The old woman was now sobbing uncontrollably. Ruby rolled her eyes and looked over at Irina, who caught her glance and tossed back a wry smile. Dr. Heller ordered the nurse to give a sedative to Frau Jungblut. He watched while she swallowed her pill obediently and then rolled over to face the wall, sobbing. Ruby was relieved, though she also felt sorry for her. There was something ominous in other people having the power to control your pain.

Dr. Heller went over to speak quietly to Irina now. There was a certain sorrow in his voice as he spoke, and she too was subdued, listening and nodding. Ruby wondered how many times she had been in and out of this place. Then Dr. Heller announced that a nurse would come in right after breakfast to tell them when their weekly appointments would take place, and left the room.

A feeling of numbness began to wash over Ruby. She knew it was from the mega-doses of drugs the night before. Sure, she was back in the real world for now. But it came with a vast feeling of emptiness that swallowed her up.

Irina's voice interrupted her thoughts. “Y'know, you just
gotta learn to go with the flow here. It's like Pavlov's dogs—you'll get rewarded for good behaviour and deprived for bad. You hear those screams down the hall earlier? Well, that's the other wing. Only it's not so far away. Got the real bad cases over there. You wanna make sure they don't send you down there. You won't get out too soon.”

“Yeah,” Ruby mumbled, “I was wondering what that was all about.”

“Listen, take some advice. I don't know what you're in here for—I don't care really. But you just try to get along, and pretty soon you'll be taking strolls out on the grounds, meeting up with friends in the Schlosspark for a bit, and a few weeks later you'll be out on weekend passes. And you know, you can still get away with having some fun in here. Just choose your moments carefully.”

“Fun?” scoffed Ruby. “I didn't come here to have fun. Just to get better.” She looked down at her hands.

“
Meine Liebe
, there is no quicker way to get better than with a little fun. Hey, I bring my guy down here all the time. You know, nooky-nooky here, nooky-nooky there.”

“I wouldn't know what that's all about anymore,” Ruby said.

“So why you here? You got a bad husband, too?”

“No! I don't know. Lots of things went wrong at the same time. My mind was like a closet with too many old clothes stuffed up in the corners, just waiting to tumble out. Then I couldn't sleep. My brain was going
tick tick tick
all night long, all those thoughts going round and round in my head. Telling
me things, making me see things and hear things. Couldn't ignore them.” Ruby started to choke on her words. “God, it gets so scary . . . something so simple as lack of sleep . . .” Her voice trailed off into nothingness.

Irina looked at Ruby as if to say,
Yeah, I've been there too
, but all she said was “Doesn't sound to me like it was just lack of sleep. When are we going to meet this husband of yours?”

“Oh, he'll be here every day, knowing him. He's a German guy. I met him when I first came to Europe, one and a half years ago. We got stuck on each other somehow.”

“Goddamn Germans. They have a knack for making you fall for them. And look at what we have to put up with over there,” she said, nodding at Frau Jungblut. “Another German.
Scheisse
, every time I've been in here, there's been someone like her around. Cursing the Turks or the Jews, talking about the good ol' days with Hitler when they all had work and dignity. Man. They're so intelligent, they had to go kill off everyone that didn't look like them. Look what they did to my people! Executed as many as they could. And those who're left? I know people who were born here, parents born here, grandparents born here. They still won't give them no German passport. Just call us stinkin' Gypsies.”

“You're right,” said Ruby. “All those old men and women on the subways. They just sit there complaining and hissing. It's like it's against the law to smile. And then the neo-Nazis and football fans storming down the platforms with their racist chants. But I'll tell you one thing. Despite the fascism, I've never seen people take to the streets anywhere else like
they do here. I never saw anyone barricade streets in Toronto like they do in Kreuzberg.”

Ruby heard Irina snort and she rolled over to look at her. She was fast asleep, snoring away. Ruby sighed and gazed back up at the ceiling.
I guess that's all there is to do here
, she thought.
Talk, sleep, wait for meals, wait for visitors, talk, sleep.

She looked at the clock on her bedside table. Only eleven. Lunch wouldn't come for a while yet. She rolled over and picked up Langston Hughes's book and flipped it open. She began reading softly out loud to herself, letting the words glide over her tongue like honey. “My People” was her favourite poem, gentle yet melodiously insistent. Poetry was the perfect antidote, as it didn't require the extended concentration that a novel might. She closed the book when the last lines had crossed her lips.

Ruby had always yearned to draw out her blackness, to place it front and centre. Here in Berlin, without her family around, she struggled to keep in touch with this part of herself. Perhaps this ambiguity had helped lead her to the psych ward. But there had been so many years of questions even before this: “What are you, anyway? Where are you from? No, that can't be!” And it wasn't only the endlessly stupid reactions of white people that bothered her. She had recognized early in her life that many of them couldn't focus their lenses to include any landscapes beyond their own narrow borders.

What was worse was the disdainful comments of Black
people outside her circle of family and friends. She would return home with the words
half-breed
,
half-black
,
yellow bitch
seared in her brain. She knew the history of their anger. Her father had spoken often of the wretched comments of his own maternal grandmother, who advised her children to “marry light, but not white.” And she remembered his singsong words, “The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” He had never told her the rest of the lines until she was a young adult: “But when they get that black, they ain't no use.”