Call the Shots (31 page)

“What is it? What is it?” Evelyn’s bouncing up and down. Clapping her hands like one of those insane wind-up cymbal monkeys.

“Just . . . Almost . . .” Finally I’ve got a grip on the jewelry box and tug it from my jacket. “Here you go,” I say, out of breath. “It’s just . . . a little something . . . I thought you might like.”

She leaps up and snatches it from my hand. “I know what these are!” she squeals. “Nick told you, didn’t he?”

“Yeah. He was a big help,” I say, my smile strained.

“They’re beautiful!” Evelyn beams at the earrings. “I can’t believe you spent this much money on me.” Big swollen tears start to form in her eyes. She sniffs. “You must really, really love me. I can’t believe I ever doubted it.” She stands up, walks around the table, and strangles me in a hug. “I love you too, Sean,” she declares.

“Wow,” I say, blinking hard. Confused how the
L
word got thrown in the mix here. “That’s . . . Wow.” I should have seen that reaction coming.
Damn you, Nick!
“I’m just . . . glad you like them.”

“They’re perfect. And so are you.” Evelyn returns to her seat and grabs her giant purse. “I got you something too, snuggle boo.” She pulls out a large gift-wrapped present and hands it to me.

I shake my head. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s nothing compared to what you got me. But just because I don’t have as much money as you doesn’t mean I love you any less.” She motions at the gift. “Go on. Open it up.”

I force a smile and start to tear away the paper. As soon as I see the blue fabric of the shirt, the GUESS label in the collar, my stomach lurches. “Oh. Thanks,” I choke out, afraid to even touch the stolen goods. “It’s . . . nice.”

“You really like it?”

“Sure. It’s . . . great.” My belly is in so many knots I think I might hurl. I glance back over my shoulder, thinking this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Splash some water on my face, have a quick look at my Leyna photo to help calm me down. “Excuse me for a moment,” I say, placing my napkin on the table. “I’ll be right back.”

I push my chair back, start to stand, and hear a low ripping sound. The cool draft I feel on my butt is all the evidence I need that tonight is going to be the longest night of my life.

“On second thought,” I say, dropping back into my seat, “maybe I’ll wait until after the appetizer.”

“O
H, MY GOD, VALENTINE’S DAY
is forever ruined for me.” I step off the bus followed closely by Coop and Matt. We make the left turn and head toward Uncle Doug’s house. I lost the coin toss, so I’m lugging Evelyn’s red suitcase while Coop and Matt are each hauling two small animal crates. “Not only did I go on the world’s most expensive and torturous date — where the tiny bits of undercooked food were served to us over the course of
three
hours
— but then I get home, ready to pass out, and guess who’s snoring like a grizzly bear with a couple of kazoos shoved up its nose? I didn’t freakin’ sleep one minute last night.”

Matt can barely contain his laughter. “You should have done what Val and me did. Ordered a pizza and watched a movie at home.”

“Yeah.” Coop glares at me. “It would have saved you a lot of embarrassment and us a shitload of money. Speaking of which, we’re completely tapped, so you’re gonna have to ask your uncle for the other five hundred bucks he promised us. We still need to buy more props, and costumes, and the editing software.”

“I know. I know,” I say. “I’ll do it today. There’ll be plenty of time since we’re getting there so early.”

“Actually, we don’t have much time at all,” Coop says.

“What are you talking about?”

“You didn’t tell him?” Matt asks.

“He would have just freaked,” Coop says.

“Freaked?” My head’s on a swivel, looking from Coop to Matt to Coop. “About what?”

Coop sighs. “I told Leyna and Hunter to meet us at your uncle’s house at eleven. We’re going to shoot a scene with them and Uncle Doug first before Evelyn and Nick arrive for lunch at around one.”

“What?”
I stop dead on the sidewalk. “Are you insane? You just totally screwed us. Why would you do that? We have to keep everything separate. Oh, my God. I’m a dead man.”

“Take a pill,” Coop says. “I left plenty of wiggle room. Leyna and Hunter will be long gone before everyone else shows up to film the humanzee rampage scene.”

“That’s not the point.” I grab my phone and shove it in his face. “Nick’s tracking us, remember? He’ll see our cell-phone signals in the same location.”

“No, he won’t,”
Coop mocks. “I told Hunter and Leyna that your uncle was all paranoid about microwaves and they had to leave their phones at home. So chillax. The Coopster has it all covered.”

“Oh.” My tensed-up shoulders relax.

“Yeah. ‘Oh.’” Coop shakes his head. “Sometimes you lack faith, boss.”

I take a deep breath. “It’s still risky, though. I don’t see the point.”

“We’re on a schedule here, dawg. We have to be efficient about these things. When we’re at a location, we need to film as many scenes as we can at that location.”

“Yeah, I guess.” I start walking again. Despite my initial panic, I’m excited to see Leyna. I want to ask her about the picture she sent me. All night long, I kept going back and forth on it. Did she? Didn’t she? I call the photo up on my phone and stare at it again. If it is what I think it is, I’d prefer to keep it to myself. But just in case I’m way off base about this, I’d rather know for sure.

“Okay, question. What do you guys think this is?” I hold my phone out for Matt to see as we make the turn onto Uncle Doug’s street. “Leyna sent it to me last night. I can’t figure it out.”

Matt squints at the screen. “A blurry photo of something hairy.”

Coop leans over to take a look. His eyes go wide as soon as he sees it. “Holy crap, dude.” He bursts out laughing. “Are you serious? You guys don’t know what this is?”

“No,” I say.

Coop shakes his head. “Oh, you poor, naive little boys. That’s a shot of her squish mitten.”

Matt looks at it again. “No way.”

“Yes way,” Coop insists. “What was the message that came with it?”

I click back and read, “‘Happy Valentine’s Day. Hope you’re having fun. Wanted you to see this. Here’s my little muffin. What do you think?’”

Coop is in hysterics. “Jesus Christ, dawg! Could it be any clearer? That’s her
muff
-in. She’s totally sexting you.”

“That’s what I thought at first.” I pull the phone back and stare at the picture again. “But now I don’t know. . . .”

“How could you think that was anything else?” Coop hoots. “It’s dark, and hairy, and mysterious. Look up
growler
in the dictionary and
that’s
what you’ll see. I mean, come on, now. ‘Here’s my little muffin. What do you think?’ No lines to read between there.”

“I know, but . . .” I shake my head. “She doesn’t really seem like the sexting type. And even if she was, why would she send me something like this? We’re not even dating.”

“She’s probably bored waiting for you to make the first move, dude. It’s her way of thanking you for giving her the lead in the movie.”

I look at Matt for some confirmation here. “What do you think?”

He just shrugs. “I have no idea. It could be anything. Maybe it’s her bran muffin.”

Coop rolls his eyes. “Why the hell would she ask his opinion about her goddamn bran muffin? Get a clue, dude. Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. You haven’t actually seen a Batcave up close and personal, have you?”

Matt lifts one of the cat carriers so he can brandish an upside-down middle finger at Coop.

“Mm-hmm. Just as I thought.” Coop turns to me. “What did you write back to her?”

“Nothing. I didn’t know what it was, so I didn’t know what to say.”

Coop reels back like he’s been shot. “Dude, this girl went out on a limb for you. And you just left her hanging? That’s totally malicious. You better thank her when you see her. First off.”

I feel my insides curdling. “But what if it isn’t her —?”

“I’m telling you, it
is,
” Coop says. “Believe me. I’ve seen enough close-up shots of the wizard’s sleeve to know one when I’m looking at one. And if you don’t acknowledge receipt of this wonderful gift, you’ll be insulting her.” He turns to Matt. “Come on, Mattie. Back me up.”

“Sorry.” Matt shakes his head. “I’m staying out of it.”

“Do you think she actually
could
be sexting me?” I ask Matt. “Come on, man. You’re the voice of reason here. I’m begging you.”

“
Could
she be?” Matt shrugs. “Anything’s possible, I suppose. But do I
think
she is? I guess I don’t know her well enough to make that call.”

We turn up Uncle Doug’s driveway, my stomach in complete knots. Oh, God. What the hell am I going to say to Leyna when I see her?

W
E FOLLOW UNCLE DOUG
into his kitchen, and my nostrils are filled with the spicy-greasy smell of chili and frying bratwurst. Uncle Doug snatches up a long wooden spoon and gives the bubbling cauldron on the stove a quick stir.

“I hope you boys brought your appetites.” Uncle Doug sips some of the chili from the spoon, his eyes going instantly wide. “Whoa! Hello! That’ll put some hair on your taste-icles.”

Matt, Coop, and me share a nervous look as Uncle Doug leans down and peers through the oven window.

“Ah, yes, my little sweltering wieners,” he says. “Roasting nice and leisurely in there.” Uncle Doug stands and pulls off his apron. “You’re in for a treat. I only make this meal for my loved ones. Slow-cooked chorizo slathered in chili, chicory, and Cheez Whiz. Let me tell you something: you haven’t lived until you’ve chowed down on a Doug’s Dirty Dog.”

“I know Sean’s excited.” Coop waggles his eyebrows. “It’s all he could talk about on the way over here. Filling his mouth with your dirty dog. Isn’t that right, Matt?”

“Yup,” Matt responds. “We couldn’t get him to shut up about it.”

Uncle Doug smiles proudly. “I bet
you’ll
be the ones talking about it on the way home.”

“Oh, you can count on it,” Coop says, suppressing a laugh.

“So.” Uncle Doug glances nervously at the animal carriers in the corner. “Shall we, uh . . . get things set up down in the basement so we’re all ready when the cast arrives?”

“Good idea,” I say, leaping to my feet.

The plan is to shoot the scene where Rogart and Nashira happen upon Dr. Schmaloogan’s lab and learn all about his evil plan. Unfortunately for us, Uncle Doug is terrified of animals. He says it’s because he’s highly allergic but Mom’s told me it’s really because he was bitten on the penis by a hamster when he was a kid. Honestly, though, I’ve never delved too far into it because I’m afraid to find out why there was a hamster anywhere near his penis to begin with.

For that reason, and the fact that we have to get Leyna and Hunter out of here by noon, we’re going to have to film this section as fast as we can.

“Hey, so, Uncle Doug,” I say as we descend the stairs into the cellar. “We were wondering if we could get the second half of the thousand dollars you said you’d give us.”

“Oh, really?” Uncle Doug doesn’t look back. Just keeps focused on the steps ahead of him. “I’d like an expense sheet first. See what you’ve spent the first five hundred on.”

I shoot the guys a panicked look.

“You’ve seen what we have so far,” Coop responds. “Monkey costumes. Blood makeup. And . . . other stuff. It goes a lot faster than you think.”

The four of us get to the bottom of the stairs and make our way into the unfinished basement. Uncle Doug has already set up a “lab table” in the middle of the room.

“Yeah, well.” Uncle Doug runs his hand down his beard. “Unfortunately, Uncle Doug’s a little strapped for cash right now. What with the stock market shitting the bed and . . . other losses. So, I’m afraid I’m going to have to change our business arrangement. Five hundred’s all you’ll be getting. I do apologize, but that’s the way of things in the business world.”

Coop turns and shoots me a wave of fury. And I don’t blame him. I’m pretty pissed myself. Our super-low-budget movie’s just become a no-budget movie.