Camp (8 page)

Rory’s flashlight settled on my underpants. “Well, lookie here. Amy’s got panties on. Now how can she go skinny-dipping if she’s not naked?” The light arced from my underwear to my crossed arms and back down. “Get ’em off, girl.”

My throat closed. I choked as I hugged my shoulders.

“Oh, let her swim like that,” a camper from Bunk 10 piped up. “She’s embarrassed enough.”

“You shut up or you’re going in too.”

“Come on, Rory,” another girl said. “Just throw her in with her panties on. What’s the big deal?”

“Jesus! You cowards should’ve gone with Erin’s group. Would’ve given me more to look forward to when I punish those chickens.”

I squeezed my knees together.

“Take ’em off, Amy. I’m tired of playing with you.”

“No!” My cry forced itself out.

“Shut up. Someone’ll hear you.”

Finally I found my legs. I kicked off my flip-flops and ran, arms still crossed on my chest.

“Grab her,” Rory ordered.

They wrestled me to the sand.

“One more move and you’re dead, Amy Becker.” Rory’s fingernails scraped my skin when she yanked down my panties.

“No!” I lowered my arms, tried to hide my crotch from Rory’s light.

“Cover her trap, Jess. And keep it covered.” Rory hurled my underwear toward the lake. “The rest of you, pick her up.”

Only Jessica moved, slamming a hand over my mouth. The back of my head dug into the sand.

“Let’s go. I told you to pick her up. Now!”

They pulled me to my feet, unclenching my arms. My tears flowed as Rory’s flashlight played peekaboo with my breasts, my groin. I squeezed my knees tighter.
Don’t cry. Don’t feel.

“Time for that swim,” Rory said. “At last. So two on her arms and two on her legs. Robin, you’re legs.”

Robin and one of her bunkmates grabbed my ankles and lifted me while Rory’s light fixed on my crotch. “Want a good look at your cousin?” Rory asked as she slithered between the girls at my feet, inching Robin over.

No answer.

“Come on, Robin.” Rory kept her light on me as they carried me toward the lake. “Didn’t you and Amy ever play doctor, you being family and all. So how ’bout a little game now?”

“No.” Robin’s voice was a whisper. “I’m … I’m not into girls.”

“Well then. We’ll just see what action you whip up with the Saginaw boys.”

They hauled me to the end of the dock. The cold air pressed my body as they lay me on my back. Wooden planks rammed my spine. My nipples stood like pencil erasers. I tried to roll onto my stomach, to escape into water.

“Don’t even think of it,” Rory said, setting her flashlight down and grabbing my ankles. “You’ll go in when I say so.”

I folded my arms across my chest again, squeezed my knees as hard as I could.

“Okay. Now. Do it, Jess,” Rory said, freeing my legs.

Jessica’s hands were clammy on my shoulders. I hit the water before she could shove me, let the lake take me alive.

Chapter 6

I’d Rather Eat Worms

I
threw up on the sand, then crept toward senior camp, shivering as I went. Rory had made off with my robe, no doubt, when she and her gang scrambled back to bed, leaving me alone in the lake. No clothing. No light. Just my flip-flops, where I’d finally kicked them off to run.

I stumbled into the black cabin, arms shielding my crotch, my breasts, in case Rory played with her flashlight. But there wasn’t any light. No light and no sound. Only a stifled giggle from Jessica. Yet I knew Rory wasn’t finished with me.

I sneaked into bed, the blanket soggy from my robe. Rory had put it there, I imagined. It dripped reminders: I didn’t belong here; the girls didn’t like me; I wouldn’t survive. What would they do to me next?

I shook from the cold and the damp. From embarrassment. Disgrace. Oh my God, they’d seen me naked. I curled into a ball.
Don’t cry
, I warned myself again. But I couldn’t blink back tears.

I felt the hand as if in a dream. Was that Donnie, reaching out from the bed next to mine? She passed me my nightgown. I snuggled into it as exhaustion rolled through me. Yet sleep didn’t come. I closed my eyes, and there was my mother.
It’s your fault, Amy. Robin’s new too and they didn’t throw her in, did they?
If I hadn’t worn the uniform to the bus, I thought, if Charlie hadn’t made a scene, we wouldn’t be at war. If I were sexy like my cousin, Rory might have spared me. If I had big hair and polished nails, the girls might have liked me. Yes, my mother was right: I was responsible. It was my fault for not having a good body. My fault for not understanding dirty jokes. My fault for not being popular. Why would anyone want to be my friend? I cried myself to sleep—silent tears so no one would notice.

In the morning, I avoided Rory’s eyes and ignored her stupid grin. Patsy said I looked like “a frightened jackrabbit ready to run.”

“Bad dreams, I guess,” I told her, wishing more than anything that were true. And when Donnie and Erin asked if I was okay, I used my mother’s end-of-discussion tone: “I’m fine. I just don’t want to talk about it.”

Only Nancy wouldn’t let me get away with that. After lunch, she summoned Erin and me to the head counselor’s cabin. It was nestled by the lake on the fringe of junior camp, as silent at rest hour as the waterfront the night before.

All morning the scene had played in my mind: Rory’s hands on my underpants; her light on my crotch; the dock; the water. Dark. Cold. All morning I had prayed Rory would die. I wanted it to happen in the lake, Rory flailing her arms and screaming for help, a snapping turtle zooming in between her legs.

Now Erin and I draped our legs over Nancy’s bed and pumped our feet to the rhythm of the lake. “I’d rather eat worms than listen to Rory all summer,” Erin said.

Nancy, in the middle, put her arms around our shoulders. “Clarence said the boys told him it got nasty. I’m so sorry, Amy.” Nancy massaged my back. I welcomed her touch, the warmth of her words. “But why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you come to me without my calling for you?”

My throat closed, blocking words.

“I swear,” Erin chimed in, “I’m not gonna let Rory boss us around anymore the way she does every summer. God, it just makes me so angry, how she treated Amy. Even worse than what she did to me two years ago. And I really thought if I went back to the cabin, if enough of the girls followed me, then Rory would give up and leave Amy alone. But no, not Rory. Always needs to show how powerful she is. And never you mind who gets hurt.”

“What did she do to you, Amy?” Nancy’s fingers pressed into my shoulders. “I need to know exactly what she did.”

“Tell her, Amy,” Erin pleaded. “You have to.”

The water. The lake that had swallowed me. My embarrassment was too great; my fear, too heavy. “If you tell, you’re dead,” Rory had warned when she heard Nancy call for me. “Remember,” Rory whispered as we left the dining hall, checking to see that Patsy lagged behind, “if you ever tell anyone, you’ll be really sorry. And anyhow, it was just a skinny-dip, just a little fun. In fact, you enjoyed it. Didn’t you, Amy Becker?”

“Please, Amy.” Nancy pushed harder. “You need to tell me what happened.”

I swallowed hard.
Don’t talk. Don’t feel.

“I have to know what they did,” Nancy tried again.

“I’m sorry,” I answered, invoking my mother’s tone. “I can’t talk about it.”

“Not talking won’t make it go away, Amy,” Nancy said. “Not talking won’t make it all right. You have to tell me.”

I couldn’t look at her. Instead, I took in Nancy’s cabin, a miniature Bunk 9, save the shades at the windows, real windows. And a fan, propped on a wooden table in the corner. A sink on one wall, mirrored medicine cabinet over it. A weathered dresser with clipboards on top. No living out of a trunk like a camper. I longed to haul over my sleeping bag and move into the head counselor’s cabin for the rest of the season. No more threats. No more Rory.

“I’m all right,” I lied. “I just don’t want to talk about it. I just want to go home.”

Erin reached across Nancy to pat my knee. “You can’t go home. I mean, even if you could, you can’t. ’Cause then Rory wins, don’t you see? ’Cause then she believes she has power over everyone.

“And you can’t go home ’cause you’re my friend. I knew it as soon as I saw you at the bus, when I saw you with your brother.” Erin kicked her sneakers to the floor and pulled her legs up onto Nancy’s blue blanket. “So you can’t go home,” she went on, angling herself toward Nancy and me, “’cause you’re gonna be my best camp friend.”

I breathed in, long and deep, filling myself with the promise of friendship.

“See, Nance,” Erin said. “Not to worry. I’ll take care of her.”

“Good. You can start by telling me what happened last night.”

“I left before they did anything,” Erin answered. “Honest. I didn’t see it.” She glanced down for a moment, then turned toward me again. Tears filled her eyes, which darted around Nancy’s cabin as she spoke. “I’m really sorry, Amy. I should have pulled you away with me,” Erin explained. “But I was scared Rory would come after us and hurt you even more. The only reason I went to the stupid lake in the first place was I thought I’d be able to help you there. But Rory had it all planned. We couldn’t stop her. Honest, I tried. And she said if I warned you or told anyone, she’d get both of us. And she said she’d make it even worse if she thought anyone knew. And I really wanted to tell you, but I knew she’d find out. Somehow she’d know. So I couldn’t say anything.” Erin slowed for a breath. “I’m really, really sorry.” She let her eyes find mine as Nancy stood.

Erin and I got up as well. Erin hugged me, and the only thing I could do was cry.

“So you’re still not going to tell me what happened?” Nancy asked.

Now that I allowed myself to feel, I wanted Nancy to know what Rory had done. I wanted Rory kicked out of camp. But then Rory would know I had told. And she’d find a way to get me before she’d start packing. “I’m okay,” I said once more.

Nancy’s arms drifted back to our shoulders. “I’ll let you go in two shakes. But about last night…well, I suppose I can’t force you to talk about it. So I just want you to hear this: I’m always available to both of you. You come and visit anytime. And I’ll make sure the staff keeps an eye on Rory.”

“Thanks, Nance.” Erin slipped from Nancy’s arm, then hugged her while I stood there, wanting to.

I was as surprised to see cousin Robin at the tennis courts as she seemed to see me. With all her complaining about tennis lessons in the winter, I expected her to sign up for other activities with Rory’s gang—nature or drama, perhaps, where you wouldn’t sweat or mess your hair. Arts and crafts maybe, where I heard you could make earrings and pins using tweezers to pick up tiny enamel bits, guaranteed not to chip your nail polish.

Jody sent the juniors to the hard courts with two counselors, then huddled with the seniors by the three red clay ones. “We’re just gonna do a little warm-up hitting today,” she said as she scanned our group. “See how you all play.”

Robin and I, assigned to the same court, walked silently next to each other.
How could you, Robin?
I wanted to scream. My cousin turned toward me for a second, as if I had asked the question aloud. I felt like my clothes were invisible, leaving me as naked as I’d been the night before.