Captain Vorpatril's Alliance (31 page)

“So what do you have to do?” said Rish. “To provide these grounds they want.”

Ivan Xav shook his head. “Divorce turns out to be a lot of work. Way more than I thought.”

“There has to be something. Let’s go down your list again,” said Rish in an annoyingly reasonable tone, squaring her shoulders. “Mutation. Couldn’t one of you pretend to be a mutant? Well, not Tej, I suppose. But the captain here is just a natural conception—a
body-birth
, if you can believe it! Run him through an exhaustive enough gene scan,
something
would be bound to turn up that you could pretend to object to.”

“No!” said Ivan Xav, incensed. “Besides, it would go down on the court’s public record. Think what it would do to my reputation! Dear God, I’d never get laid on this planet again.”

Rish tilted her head in concession. “All right, so what about this adultery thing? Which I gather isn’t about being a grownup, something we could probably
use
around here, but about sleeping with someone when you’re married to someone else. Sounds easy enough. Pleasurable, even.”

“Who with, for pity’s sake?” said Tej. “The only other male I even know very well on this benighted world is Byerly.”

Ivan Xav set down his drink with a thunk that sloshed it over the edge of the glass. “You are
not
sleeping with Byerly.”

“Who else have I even met here? Well, there’s The Coz and The Gregor, I suppose, but be
reasonable
. Anyway, they’re both taken.” Tej added after a moment, “And Simon Illyan was very nice, too, but no. Just no. Just…no.”

“No,” said Ivan Xav. “So many kinds of no, I can’t even count the ways.”

“That’s what I just said.” Tej eyed him in speculation. “I don’t suppose
you
could sleep with Byerly…?”

“Only if I can watch,” murmured Rish.

“
No!
” said Ivan Xav. “
Nobody
is sleeping with Byerly, all right?”

Frostily, Rish cleared her throat.

Ivan Xav waved his arms. “You know what I mean. Neither Tej nor I are sleeping with Byerly. Separately
or
together.”

“A foursome, now there’s a thought,” purred Rish. “You know, I bet we could persuade By to—”

“Stop teasing poor Ivan Xav, Rish,” said Tej. He was getting an alarming flush. “If you can’t say something to the point, just give over.”

Rish looked at Ivan Xav. “Don’t you have any old girlfriends you could call on for a favor?”

“Sure, but they’re mostly married now. Even Dono, and Olivia would—never mind. Jealous husbands…spouses…I figured I was
done
dealing with that kind of excitement in my life. It’s just no fun anymore, y’know? Hasn’t been for a while.”

Both women stared at him in bemused silence; after a moment, he stirred uncomfortably and took another swallow of his wine.

Rish sat back. “What else was there? Oh yes, abuse.”

“I am
not
beating Tej.” Ivan Xav glowered at Rish. “You, I’m less and less sure about.”

Rish snickered. “You couldn’t lay a hand on me if you tried, natural-boy.”

Ivan Xav sighed, avoiding conceding the point. “Besides, it’d get me in
so
much trouble with
so
many people—after Mamere, Uncle Aral, and Aunt Cordelia—and Simon—there’d be Miles and Ekaterin and
all
the Koudelka girls lining up to deal with the remains—
and
their mother—
and
Gregor,
and
Desplains—God, there wouldn’t be enough left of me to carry to court in a bucket. Hell, a teacup.” Ivan Xav sat back in what, had he been of another gender, Tej would not have hesitated to describe as a flounce. A little too large and surly for the term, here.

Rish turned her head toward Tej. “That leaves it up to you.”

“But I don’t want to hit Ivan Xav! I want to
kiss
Ivan Xav.”

“Try it,” urged Rish. “Just for the experiment.” Her gold eyes glinted.

Reluctantly, at Rish’s gesture, Ivan Xav put down his drink and stood up. Tej bunched her hand, drew it back, and poked him in the solar plexus. Her fist made a little
fump
sound, bouncing off his heavy uniform jacket.

Ivan Xav just stared glumly at her. “What was that supposed to be…?”

“It’s really
hard
,” Tej protested. “When you don’t want to. Besides, it would hurt my hand.”

“Bloody Falco,” muttered Ivan Xav, sitting back down and retrieving his drink, which he drained.

Rish ran her hands through her hair in a ragged swipe. “Look. Think. You’re both making this too hard by trying to do the divorce thing first. It’s not necessary. Desertion, wasn’t that one of the grounds? Tej and I go off to Escobar, change our identities, disappear, you’re got your desertion right there. Tootle back to court on your own, get it done. You don’t have to drag
us
into it at all.”

“There are time limits about that sort of thing,” said Ivan Xav. “Three or four years, or was it seven? Or was that for declaring someone dead…?” He frowned in doubt.

“What does that mean?” asked Tej. “In Barrayaran.”

“It means that even though you were gone, I’d still be married to you. For several more years. I couldn’t, say, remarry in that time. Or even become betrothed, I suppose.”

“Oh,” said Tej. “That’s right, this place only lets people have one spouse at a time, doesn’t it? That wouldn’t be a good problem to dump on you, would it. You might meet someone you liked…” A strangely unheartening picture. Didn’t she want him to be happy?

Ivan Xav, on the other hand, sat up, brightening a trifle. “That actually could be more of a feature than a bug, come to think. My mother couldn’t very well lean on me to seriously court other women if I was already married, huh? Yeah, that docking slot would be all filled up.” His brow wrinkled. “Not sure what it would do to my hit rate, though…”

“In that case,” said Rish, rolling to her feet, “I hereby declare this a non-emergency, and would appreciate it if you two would clear my bedroom.
Some
of us want to sleep.”

Ivan Xav appeared to give this serious consideration. “Yeah,
Miles
goes all frantic and forward-momentum-y when he hits a snag in his plans, but I usually prefer to give it a bit of time. Maybe there’ll be a better idea come along, or the problem will change, or, if you wait long enough, even go away on its own, without having to do anything. If people don’t keep poking at it, that is.”

“Time would certainly do the trick, sure,” said Rish cordially. “I figure it would only take, oh, you’re a natural—maybe sixty more years? Unless you die sooner in a groundcar crash, that is.”

Ivan Xav said, in a faraway voice, “Yeah, that would be the line of least resistance, now, wouldn’t it…?”

Rish shook her head. “Go to bed. Screw what’s left of your brains out, deal with it again in the morning. Or some other time when I don’t have to listen to you two.” She departed to collect her bedding from the linen closet in the dressing room.

Ivan Xav stood up and took Tej’s hand, warm in his warmer one. “Best advice she’s offered all night. Let’s just…give it a rest. Maybe something else will come up.”

*
 
*
 
*

As the week wore on, Ivan contemplated the merits of inertia as a problem-solving technique with growing favor. Desplains kept him only normally occupied during his workdays, there being no real crises at Ops this week, and Ivan being quite unmoved by now by all the synthetic ones, although he did garner some enjoyment selecting snarky return memos. In the mornings, Tej continued her language studies, or games, as she seemed to insist on thinking of them, alternated with afternoon visits along with Rish to Ma Kosti. Even better, they brought back culinary homework. Ivan surreptitiously let his uniform belt out one notch.

Byerly continued to carry off Rish most evenings, a public service to which Ivan could muster no objection. The Creatures of the Night, as he began to think of them, returned at varied hours. He didn’t mind it if Rish came in quietly, although he was less fond of stumbling over Byerly at breakfast.

As Ivan was scarfing down his morning groats standing, prior to toddling off to Ops HQ, Byerly,
en dishabille
in shirtsleeves but slightly less bleary than usual, sipped his tea and remarked, “Interesting chit-chat last night about you and Tej. From Jon Vorkeres, of all people. Countess Vorbretten’s little brother, y’know.”

Ivan frowned, glad he’d left Tej sleeping. She didn’t need to hear anything poisonous. “What was he doing in one of your venues?”

“Hey, not all of my venues are a hazard to the morality of our Vor youth. Else I should have gently steered him out. Jon says that gossip among certain of the more fossilized high Vor dames in town is that your surprise marriage is a disaster for Lady Alys, for all that she feigns otherwise. That Tej’s haut genes and connections would render any progeny you two might pop utterly disqualified for the Imperial camp stool, should, God forbid, anything untoward happen to Gregor
et al
. And, presumably, you disqualified along with them, unless you could be persuaded to some second marital attempt, I suppose.”

Ivan choked on his groats. “Seriously?”
“Very seriously. Count René Vorbretten is keeping his jaw clamped shut on the discussion, naturally.” Byerly eyed him sidelong.

Ivan’s brows climbed as the full import of this slowly sank in. “Huh. That’s an advantage that hadn’t crossed my mind, but you’re right!” The corners of his mouth tugged up. “Me and my children, ducking right out of the Vorbarr Sultana political crossfire—oh,
superb
. Have to point that out to Mamere, next time I see her. It would cheer her up no end.”

Byerly took a delicate sip, and inquired, “What children?”

Ivan reddened. “Uh…”

Byerly patted his lips—curving in the most maddening way—with his napkin, but did not pursue the point.

It was only as he was entering Ops that it occurred to Ivan that Byerly had been watching his reaction for more reasons than just sly personal amusement.
No, dammit, I have
never
wanted Gregor’s job!
He almost turned around right there and then to go find By and a body of water to hold his head under till he stopped
thinking like that
.

Frigging ImpWeasel
.

*
 
*
 
*

“I bought these bells for my ankles,” said Tej to Rish, holding them up and shaking them. They made a cheery chime—tuned to chords, not just randomly dissonant. “If we pushed the furniture back, there’d be room for a real dance practice. I could take Jet’s part. Keep the beat for you.”

Rish wheeled, sizing up Ivan Xav’s living room. “I suppose we could try. I have an hour or so till By comes to get me.”

They skinned into their knits and collaborated on shoving sofas and chairs around, clearing a nice, wide space on the carpet. An afternoon without Ma Kosti was an afternoon when boredom and brooding loomed, but Tej had thought ahead, this time. As they began their bends and stretches, Tej asked as-if-casually, “So. By, again. What do you and he
do
every night, anyway?”

Rish’s lips twitched. “Really, Tej, you had the same erotic arts tutors that I did. Use your imagination.”

“I mean
besides
that.” Tej tossed her head impatiently, then had to blow stray hair out of her mouth. “What does he talk about? I mean, when he’s not just camouflaging?”

“If his mouth is moving, he’s camouflaging,” said Rish. But added after a few torso-twists, “Usually.”

“Ah?” When this encouraging noise did not pry out further clarification, Tej tried, “Do you still like him?”

“Well…he hasn’t stopped being interesting, yet.”

Tej dared, “Do you love him?”

Rish snorted. “He’s not the warm and fuzzy sort, sweetling.”

“Neither are you.”

Rish’s ambiguous smile crept a tiny bit wider, before she hid her expression in some toe-touches. “I did meet his infamous cousin Dono, in passing. At a party where By had gone to gossip.”

“I thought he wasn’t on speaking terms with his family?”

“Apparently Count Dono Vorrutyer is an exception to the general trend—he laughed when By introduced me. Delighted, apparently, by a Vorrutyer being even more shocking than himself. Herself. Whatever.” A few overhead reaches. “Still, By hasn’t spoken to his father for eighteen years, his mother has been estranged from everyone for a decade and barely communicates, and By secretly helped ImpSec put his even more obnoxious cousin Richars in prison. With cause. No love lost there. On the whole, not a close-knit clan.”

“How sad.”

“Not…really.”

“Oh?” Tej raised her arms and her eyebrows, waggling both.

A long pause, while Rish stretched hamstrings. “
In vino veritas
, By calls it,” she said at last. “Like some primitive native fast-penta. Except By is almost never as drunk as he appears. If he’s slurring and staggering, he’s certainly spinning out lines to catch something. When he’s
actually
smashed, his diction gets very precise and distant, like…like a scientist reporting the results of an unsatisfactory experiment. It’s oddly disturbing.”

Tej sat on the floor with her legs out, put her hands behind her head, and bent to touch her elbows to her knees. And waited, not in vain.

Her voice and movements slowing, Rish went on, “We were watching some old vids of the Jewels’ performances that ImpSec came up with, and testing out some really dreadful Barrayaran inebriants. Which got us onto the subject of sisters, somehow, which got us onto the subject of
his
younger sister…It seems they were very close when they were teens—By fancied himself quite the brotherly protector. Till their father, as a result of some vile report he had from who-knows-where, accused By of molesting her. And went on believing it, despite the pair of them protesting to the rafters. By says he was more enraged at his father for swallowing the smear than he ever was at the anonymous clown who made it. Which was when he left school and came east to the capital. I’m not sure if you
can
disinherit your parents, but it seems that break was mutual.”