Captains Outrageous (11 page)

16

I
WAS IN THE HOTEL ROOM
, taking off my shoes, getting ready to lie back on my bed and rest a bit, when Leonard, who was already reclining on the other bed, said, “You know what we should do, Hap?”

“I hope you’re not going to suggest anything sexual.”

“Nope. I didn’t bring any of my devices with me. But, now that you mention it, we could catch a mouse and grease him up, let him run up our ass. That might be fun.”

“We don’t have a mouse.”

“There are little black turds next to that hole in the wall to the left of the electric socket by the TV set. So that tells me there are mice.”

“Now you’ve piqued my excitement. But alas, we’ve nothing to grease the mouse with.”

“You’re right. And who’s to say we can catch one? They’re pretty fast, you know.”

“All right, I bite. What should we do?”

“Stay.”

“Stay? I thought you wanted to go.”

“I wanted to get you away from that woman. Women make your head mushy. I tell you, she’s a manipulator.”

“Not much of one. She dumped us off and went home.”

“It would have been just a matter of time, Hap. What we ought to do is just go ahead and turn this into a vacation. Have Charlie wire us some money just like you planned. But we do it a little different. We can get a flight out of Cancun in a couple weeks, be home a few days before we’re supposed to go back to work.”

“Don’t you want to see John?”

“Of course. I love him. But this is our chance for a vacation. We’ve never really had one. Not a real one. Not a good one. Things we do tend to go wrong. This could be different.”

“We’ve already been abandoned by our own cruise ship.”

“Yeah. Well, you’re right.”

“Cruise ships are noted for their hospitality. Their ability to deal with cantankerous assholes. Yet, somehow, you found a way to piss them off.”

“It was just that one guy.”

“You’ve been in a fight. You’ve been knifed. That’s not quite as good as being shot, but it ought to count for something. And your hat was destroyed.”

“True. You’re right. It’s not a totally different kind of trip for us, is it? There’s some of the old charm still there. But the rest of it, we can make it uneventful. We get up late. We eat late. We wander around town. Maybe go fishing. Get out on the water.”

“I don’t like water. I’ve seen all of it I want to see.”

“We could see the sights. I wouldn’t even mind going back to Tulum. Wouldn’t it be nice just to hang? Nobody trying to kill us. No one beating on us. It could be rejuvenating.”

“People do try to hurt us a lot, don’t they?”

“On the nosey. Maybe that should tell us something.”

“What?”

“I’m not sure. I think we irritate people.”

“We? You got a mouse in your pocket?”

“If I did, we’d be in business. A dry mouse, but in business … But tell me, Hap. Doesn’t that sound like a pretty damn good idea?”

“A dry mouse?”

“A real vacation.”

“You know, it doesn’t sound too bad at that.”

Early the next morning I went downstairs and expanded our stay at the hotel to a week. I put it on the charge card, knowing full well I was working on the edge. It might not take more than a couple of pennies for it to be full.

I didn’t want to use the hotel phone, because the prices were jacked up, so I walked down the street to the same pay phone I had called from before, dialed Charlie to let him know our plans. He seemed bored to hear I was calling. When I told him what we had in mind he wasn’t bored any longer.

He had already raised some money, and was surprised we were staying. So was I, but I was glad to break him out of his boredom. I consider it a kind of special accomplishment to rattle Charlie.

I told him Leonard wanted a real vacation and I felt like I owed it to him. So far, this one hadn’t been as bad as our other outings.

Charlie agreed that it hadn’t been as bad as it sometimes gets. He also agreed to wire us the money, tell John we were all right, and explain our plans.

On my way back to the hotel I was surprised to see Beatrice sitting in her car out front. When she saw me walking up, she got out, leaned on the hood.

The jeans she was wearing were so tight they must have made her ankles swell. She had on a halter top that was working overtime to hold her breasts in. The sun struck her black hair and made it the color of a raven’s wing. There were little brown freckles on her shoulders I hadn’t noticed before, but now, out in the full sunlight, they showed clearly. I liked them.

I said, “Don’t tell me this is a coincidence.”

“I was trying to decide if I wanted to go in and ring your room. I did not expect you to be out so early.”

“I had a phone call to make.”

“You are not leaving already?”

“That seems like a funny question. You know I was supposed to.”

“Yes.”

“Leonard and I changed our minds. We’re going to stick a few days.”

“Good. Good. I need to talk to you.”

“We can go upstairs,” I said.

Leonard greeted Beatrice with as much enthusiasm as his suspicious mind could muster, and we all went downstairs together and over to a little café for breakfast. The café was fairly crowded and there was the sound of European and American voices all over the place. A cruise ship had most likely sent in its passengers on a tender. We found a table in the corner, ordered coffee and food, waited a long time for it.

While we waited, Beatrice said, “I have had a situation arise.”

“Oh?” said Leonard. “Really?”

I gave him a hard look. He gave me back a dreamy smile.

Smug sonofabitch.

“You have problems with me?” Beatrice said.

“I just don’t like to be fed shit and told it’s tapioca,” Leonard said. “My buddy, Hap, he don’t mind some shit for tapioca. He even gets to like it now and then.”

“I do not understand,” Beatrice said.

“Look, I’m not trying to be offensive,” Leonard said.

“You are doing a very good job of it,” she said.

“All right. Take it like you want to take it. But I think you can smell a sap good as a shark can smell blood. I think you’ve got a scam going and you’re playing him into it, which means you’re playing me into it. It happens to him, it happens to me.”

“You think that, Hap?” Beatrice asked.

“He’s right more than he’s wrong,” I said.

Beatrice hung her head and stared at the table. She looked soft and cute and childlike. I wanted to reach across the table and slap Leonard.

“Well,” Beatrice said, “I did not set out to ask you for anything. I met you by accident, you must admit that. My father and I did help you in your time of need.”

“So now you need help?” Leonard said.

“I do.”

“You and about three million other women Hap knows. Not to mention guys, pets, et cetera.”

“Ah ha,” I said. “You rescued an armadillo once.”

“I admit it,” Leonard said. “That was another fine mess you got me into, if you’ll recall.”

He was right. There was nothing to say.

Our food arrived. We drank coffee and ate, waiting for Beatrice to drop the next shoe. Hopefully a very small shoe, like a flip-flop maybe. But no, that would be too easy. I figured it would be a boot. Steel-toed. Very heavy.

She ate and we paid up and left.

Outside she said, “Hap, can we talk?”

“Alone, you mean?” Leonard said.

“Yes,” she said.

“That figures,” Leonard said. “He’s no good alone, lady. But then you know that, don’t you? Don’t ask him to do anything you wouldn’t ask me to do, because you ask him, you’re asking me.”

“It does not have to be that way,” Beatrice said.

“Yes it does,” Leonard said, and walked away. He called back: “I’ll be at the hotel. Crying.”

“Will he really?” Beatrice said.

“In a manner of speaking,” I said. “Come on, let’s walk and talk.”

We went along the shoreline on a concrete walk. The sea was bright green, as if lit from below by an emerald light. In the distance I could see the brown line that was Cozumel and against that the horizon. The ocean stank of oil and dead fish and up close to shore there were plastic wrappers and aluminum cans washing against the blinding white sand.

“Now that Father is injured, he cannot do any more than drive the boat.”

“What about you?”

“I am company.”

“Ah. Company. To this man you told me about.”

“Yes. This rich American and his friends. They are here in Mexico for a short time. This one who arranged it all. He wanted to fish the other day. When my father could not go out, he was ready to cancel. We would lose all the money. I tried to convince him with words to wait. To give Father just a couple of days. He could be on the boat then. He didn’t want to listen. So I convinced him with something besides words.”

“You slept with him?”

“If this man I slept with is a pig, the one Father owes is a butcher … It is not for me, Hap. It is for my father. If I don’t make the money, the men my father owes will kill him. They may kill me.”

“What are you asking, Beatrice?”

“Help me. Just for a day or two. Please.”

Leonard said, “Once more into the breach.”

We were sitting at the café again, just me and him, having coffee. Leonard was feeling pretty good. His appetite was back.

“You know she’s just jerkin’ you?” he said.

“Yep. I know.”

Leonard sipped his coffee. “I don’t care she slept with this guy. That’s her choice. I don’t see that as something pathetic. You aren’t jealous, are you?”

“We aren’t in love, if that’s what you mean. But it hurts my pride some. She slept with me, then she slept with the other guy to make sure he went fishing. Worse yet, she has a hotel room and is staying in town tonight. I doubt it’s just because she wants to be close to the sea.”

“More favors?” Leonard asked.

“I suppose.”

“Maybe he was just a better lay. I bet that was it.”

“Thanks for being concerned with my pride.”

“Don’t mention it … So we’re going to be conned into being sailors.”

“You can con me all you want, and I’m no sailor. Actually, I think she wants us to bait hooks, that kind of thing.”

“Believe it or not, that takes skill.”

“Aren’t you the one said you wanted to go fishing?”

“Yeah, but I wanted someone else to bait my hook.”

Next morning, Leonard and I arose early and couldn’t find anything open to have breakfast, so we walked on over to where Ferdinand’s boat was docked. Ferdinand’s boat was being loaded with bait by José.

“I thought we were the crew,” Leonard said.

“When it leaves dock, we are.”

I climbed on board. I found Ferdinand on crutches. “Where is Beatrice?” he asked.

“That is what we were wondering, señor.”

About that time a large man and two other men came up the dock and climbed on board the boat.

One of the men was about thirty-five, tall and stocky with close-cut blond hair and burning blue eyes. He wore a loose blue shirt and tan khaki slacks and white deck shoes.

Right off I thought he was an asshole. I also thought he was the guy Beatrice had screwed to maintain the fishing charter. He looked too damn smug and in charge to be anyone else. The guys with him were both about his age and were dressed similarly. One was thin and had dark brown hair and a mole on the side of his face that could have been painted with eyes, mouth, and nose, and passed off as a Siamese twin.

The other guy was a handsome, average-sized black man. I watched to see if Leonard checked him out.

He did.

Blondie said, “We goin’ or what?”

Ferdinand smiled, straining at it I’m sure. He said, “Yes. We are waiting on Beatrice.”

“Beatrice,” he said. “She’s not here?”

“Ferdinand just said that to see if you’d ask if she’s really here,” I said.

“Yeah,” Leonard said. “She’s hid. We’re all going to start searching the boat for her in a minute. Whoever finds her gets a gummy bear.”

“And who are you two?”

I wanted to tell him I was the guy that was going to throw him off the boat, but it wasn’t my boat and I was here to help, not make matters worse.

“A friend,” I said.

“And him?” Blondie said, nodding at Leonard.

“I jes do duh coffee and put fishes on duh hooks,” Leonard said. “I’s known as Unca Leonard.”

“That’s funny,” Blondie said.

“Why thank ya, suh. I’s got me uh liddle niggra minstrel act I’s been workin’ on.”

The black guy laughed. Mole Face was smiling. José finished loading bait, then, sensing tension, disappeared like morning fog.

“Look,” I said. “We’ll go back to the hotel and see what’s up.”

“I’ll go with you,” Blondie said. “I left her early this morning so I could run some errands. She’s supposed to be here. I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind.”

“I wouldn’t give her too much,” I said.

“Yeah, and why’s that?”

“Because I might not like it.”

“And I don’t know you got mind to spare,” Leonard said. “I think you use most of it just getting up in the morning.”

Blondie snorted, looked at Leonard. “Lost the minstrel act, didn’t you?”

The veins on the sides of Leonard’s neck expanded.

“Whoa,” the handsome black guy said. “It’s cool. It’s cool. Let’s not get off on the wrong foot. We’re down here to fish.”

“Yeah, and this charter hasn’t been nothing but a problem,” Blondie said. “I’m ready to chuck the whole thing.”

“Hey,” Mole Face said. “You got some poontang out of it, didn’t you … Oh, sorry, old man. I forgot she was your daughter.”

Ferdinand didn’t say anything. He just looked stunned.

I put my hand on his shoulder. “It’s all right. Me and Leonard will go check on her.”

He nodded.

We climbed off the boat. Me, Leonard, and the blond asshole.

“You don’t have to come,” I said to Blondie.

“Yeah, but I want to,” he said. “I left her this morning, I told her to hurry along. One thing I hate’s a woman that doesn’t do as she’s told.”

“You asswipe,” Leonard said. “I’ve got a mind to knock your nose on the other side of your head.”