Carried Forward By Hope (66 page)

“Are you ready for your interview?” Janie asked. “It’s almost time for you to go in.”

Carrie took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I’m ready or not,” she murmured. “Standing outside and thinking about being a doctor is very different from actually walking through those doors and applying for medical college.”

“You’re meant to be a doctor, Carrie, Janie said firmly. She gave her a little push. “Being late is hardly a good first impression.”

Carrie looked at her for a long moment, nervousness clutching her throat.

“You walk in there with your head held high,” Janie scolded. “You probably already know more than most of the doctors who have graduated!”

Carrie seriously doubted that was true, but she straightened her shoulders, lifted her head, and sailed in through the doors, her heart pounding with excitement. She could hardly believe she was actually walking into the Female Medical College, clutching a recommendation from Dr. Strikener and a letter from Dr. Wild.

******

Two hours later, Carried emerged from the building, her eyes a little glazed as she absorbed all she had learned. Janie was just walking up from the opposite direction, her cheeks glowing from the cold, but her eyes strangely bright. “You haven’t been waiting outside all this time, have you?” Carrie asked.

“No,” Janie replied. “I’ve kept warm.” She grabbed Carrie’s arm. “Well?”

“The interview went well,” Carrie replied. “It was almost surreal,” she admitted. “After working alongside only men during the war, it was rather strange to be surrounded by women who are actual doctors. I felt both intimidated and validated,” she confessed.

“They were impressed with you weren’t they?” Janie demanded. “Come on, Carrie, tell me the truth.”

“They seemed to be,” Carrie acknowledged. “That may have just made it harder. I’m afraid of letting them down.”

“Nonsense,” Janie snorted, grabbing Carrie’s hand. “Carrie, this is what you want. You’ve wanted it for years.” Her eyes were confused. “Why are you holding back?”

Carrie looked at Janie, tears glistening in her eyes. “Yes. This is what I want.” She thought back to five years ago. “When I was in Philadelphia five years ago, I didn’t get to come here. I toured the University of Pennsylvania, but I didn’t know about the Female Medical College. When I left to go home, I thought I would be coming right back. Abby and I had made so many plans…”

“And then your mother became ill and died. And then you had to run the plantation because of your father’s grief.” Janie’s voice sounded a little impatient. “What does this have to do with now?”

Carrie ignored her question, still lost in the past. “Then there was the war,” Carrie said heavily. “And now I’m back on the plantation with Robert.”

“He supports your desire to come to medical school,” Janie reminded her.

“I know,” Carrie said quietly.

“So what is wrong?”

Carrie shook her head. “I’m not sure…” She stared up at the building as the truth filtered into her heart. “In spite of the fact that I’ve spent my whole life rebelling against southern tradition, there is a part of me that feels guilty for leaving Robert to come to school,” she admitted, scowling as the truth of her acknowledgement hit home.

“And you’ll miss your husband…”

“Of course,” Carrie said. As she stared at the building, her heart pounding with excitement, she knew it wasn’t missing Robert that was holding her back. “I love Robert with all my heart.”

Janie reached for her hand. “Robert wants this for you.”

“I know he does,” Carrie whispered.

“Then you just need to get over it,” Janie said firmly.

Carrie stared at her, smiling at the determination shining in her friend’s eyes. Janie had seemed to grow stronger every day they were out of Virginia. Carrie had watched during the last ten days as Janie bloomed into a woman she liked very much but wasn’t sure she recognized. “Just like that?” she asked quietly.

“No, not just like that,” Janie responded. “You never change
just like that
. It’s never easy.” She gripped Carrie’s hand more tightly. “Carrie, it was your words that gave me the courage to escape Clifford — even though it took me months before I could accept the truth of them. Southern tradition told me I was a failure as a person if I was a failure as a wife. Southern tradition told me my life was over as a woman if I got a divorce.”

“None of that is true,” Carrie said firmly.

“You’re right,” Janie agreed easily. “It is just as true that you leaving Robert long enough to become a doctor doesn’t make you a bad wife. Especially,” she said with a laugh, “when your husband
wants
you to do it so badly.” She peered into Carrie’s eyes. “You’re afraid,” she said softly.

Carrie wanted to deny what Janie said, but all she could do was drop her eyes and stare down at her hands. Her friend had helped her through so many times during the war when fear threatened to swallow her. She struggled to make sense of the feelings swarming in her mind and heart. “I had to be strong for so long during the war. There were times I thought it would never end. Now that it’s over…”

“There is a part of you that just wants things to stay the same. You want to stay on the plantation, run your clinic, and be with your husband.”

Carrie’s defiance flared. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Not a thing,” Janie said calmly. “If it was
enough
.” She tilted Carrie’s head up to meet her eyes. “But it’s not. You also want to be a doctor. You want to come to school in Philadelphia where you can meet other strong women who share your dream. You want to study with them. You want to learn new things from women doctors who have led the way for you. You want to be an
actual
doctor.”

Carrie looked back at the building, her heart yearning to experience what Janie was describing, but a stubborn part of her also wanting long nights around the fireplace with Robert. She wanted to watch Rose’s children grow up. She wanted to walk to her clinic and treat her patients, listening to the voices of small children learning on the other side of the wall. She wanted to ride into Richmond any time she wanted to visit her father and Abby. After five years of almost constant turmoil, she yearned for a period of normalcy and consistency.

The vision drew her in, but…

“It’s only two years,” Janie reminded her. “And you’ll be able to go home during parts of it.”

“I know,” Carrie whispered.

“Remember
why
, Carrie.”

Carrie turned questioning eyes toward her friend. “Why?”

“Why do you want to be a doctor? What has kept the dream alive?” Janie squeezed her hand and fell silent.

Carrie sat quietly, knowing this was the real question that had to be answered. Visions of her father’s slaves and all the times she had helped them filled her mind. She saw her mother lying on her bed, slowly wasting away until she died. Memories of each soldier she had treated during the war rose up to beckon her. She thought of the thousands of veterans who would need help in the years to come, and the communities of freedmen struggling to get medical care. She envisioned Robert’s proud face as he talked about her being a doctor.

She took a deep breath, knowing that once again she was letting her fears stop her. Suddenly Sarah’s wise face rose into her mind and she could feel her calm voice reverberating in her heart.
“Ain’t nothin’ wrong with fear unless you let it stop you, Carrie girl. God done got big things for you to do, girl. You can sit in one place and ignore that, or you can stare down them fears and go do what you gots to do.”

“You’re right,” Carrie said finally. “I’m coming back to be a doctor,” she said firmly.

“When?” Janie asked, a broad smile breaking out on her face.

Carrie closed her eyes for a moment. “I’ll start in April,” she said, a feeling of freedom and excitement washing over her as she said the words out loud. She tipped her head back and laughed loudly, watching as the wind whipped dead leaves in a dance over her head. “I’m going to start medical school in April,” she said again, more loudly this time.

“I’ll be here waiting,” Janie replied.

It took a moment for Janie’s words to filter through her excitement now that she had made her decision. She turned and stared at her friend’s dancing blue eyes. “What did you say?”

“I said I’ll be here waiting.”

Carrie kept staring at her, trying to decide what she meant.

Janie grinned. “I was content being a nurse for a long time. I watched you all those years at Chimborazo, and I didn’t think I could ever be a doctor because I didn’t have your confidence.” She held up a hand when Carrie tried to interrupt her. “I almost let Clifford destroy me, but I found the strength to escape. Doing that…coming here…seeing the college… It’s made me realize I want the same thing. I want to be a doctor,” she said boldly. “I’m going to stay here in Philadelphia and study every book I can get my hands on. I’m also going to get a job in the hospital as a nurse, if they’ll have me. When you’re ready to come, we’ll start medical college together.” She dipped her head. “While you were in your interview, I talked with someone in admissions,” she confessed. “They assure me my experience will qualify me for medical school.”

When Janie opened her mouth next, she answered the question in Carrie’s mind.  “Aunt Abby is an angel.  I’m borrowing the money from her for school.  She wanted to give it to me, but I just couldn’t accept it.  It may take me a while, but I will pay it all back,” she finished firmly.

Carrie sat silently while Janie’s words seeped into her brain. Suddenly she jumped up, grabbed Janie’s hands, and began to whirl her in a circle, laughing loudly. “A doctor! We’re going to be doctors
together
!” Her mind began to swirl with plans. “We’ll live at Abby’s house. We’ll help each other study. We’ll keep each other company when we’re lonely. We’ll have other students come over for dinners…”

She collapsed onto the bench shivering in spite of her excitement, pulling her coat close as the wind picked up. Metal-gray clouds scuttled across the sky, sinking lower as she watched. The images of medical school swirled as wildly as the clouds, threatening to overwhelm her. It wasn’t until just that moment that she realized how much she had dreaded being in Philadelphia alone. She would still be leaving so much behind, but she would have Janie!

Janie tilted her head up to stare at the clouds. “I think Abby’s house sounds quite wonderful right now.” Her eyes were bright with excitement, but her cheeks were red from the cold.

“It’s going to start snowing soon,” Carrie said, pushing aside the images when she realized Janie was shaking. “Let’s go someplace warm.”

They chattered excitedly all the way back to Abby’s house, planning what life would be like as they both studied to become doctors.

******

Matthew trudged up the stairs to Thomas’s house, heavy-hearted in spite of how glad he was to be home. Darkness had fallen, making the glowing light from the lanterns even more appealing. The air was rich with the smell of burning fires. Even in the dark, he could see the white plumes of smoke curling from the houses surrounding him. He had been gone for almost a month. Each day had brought him to a new level of despair and anger.

Abby was sitting in a chair pulled up close to the fireplace in the parlor when he walked in. “Matthew!” she cried. “I didn’t know you were coming tonight. Why didn’t you telegram us?”

Matthew shrugged. “I just decided to come home yesterday. I didn’t want to waste time on a telegram,” he said wearily.

Abby sprang up to give him a warm hug. “My dear boy,” she murmured. She pulled him over to the other chair and pushed him down into it.

Matthew, in spite of the feelings rampaging in his soul, smiled. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get to old not to want you to call me your
dear boy
. I always know I’m home when I hear that.”

Abby reached for one of his hands. “You’ll never be too old, because I will always be this much older, and you will always be my dear boy,” she said tenderly. “You’ve had a difficult trip,” she observed as she took in his exhausted eyes.

Matthew sighed. “We’re living in difficult times. I don’t think it’s possible for me to have any other kind of trip. I don’t regret contracting to write this book, but there are times I wish I could just hide away and not be aware of all that is happening in our country.”

Abby smiled. “That would last for a short time, and then you would go mad sitting in ignorance.”

“Either way I lose,” Matthew said flatly.

“Tell me,” Abby invited gently, warm concern filling her eyes.

Matthew glanced at the clock. “Will Thomas and Jeremy be home soon?”

“Yes. I left the factory early. The last pieces of equipment were installed today,” she said proudly. “We’re opening for business in mid-January.”

Matthew forgot his own problems for a moment. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you. Thomas and Jeremy stayed behind to do some work on one of the machines. They should be along shortly.”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll wait for them to come. I only want to have to say all this once.”