Carrying Hope (19 page)

Walking into the bar was like coming home. The smells, the sounds and the people were all pretty much the same as I remembered them. Regulars were a little more gray, but still recognizable. My hands shook as I walked toward the back. I thought about the feeling of the felt table, the plastic cards, the sound of chips as people hedged their bets. My heat beat a wild rhythm in my chest. Could I really go through with this? After all of this time, could I break my promise to Nana?

The little devil on my shoulder reminded me that Nana would never find out. This wasn’t like the old days where I borrowed money from loan sharks. I had all the money I needed. I wasn’t doing anything that would get me into trouble, and that was the
spirit
of the promise anyway, right?

The owner looked me up and down a few times, trying to remember where he knew me from. In my expensive fitted clothes with my pregnant belly, I wasn’t immediately recognizable as the quiet tomboyish seventeen year-old I had been.

“Do I know you?” He asked, his hairy arms crossed in front of his chest.

I knew he would know my name when I showed him my card as proof, but I tried to play it off anyway. Maybe he wouldn’t remember my name. I didn’t see how that would be possible, but I could hope.

I shrugged noncommittally and flashed my black card for proof.

His eyes grew big for a moment, but he narrowed them at me suspiciously right after.

“We’re going to have to call them for verification,” he grumbled, obviously trying to discourage me from entering.

I nodded silently, thinking that he was most likely to recognize my voice.

He ushered me in the back room and over to the window where the cashier sat.

“Call about this card. Make sure it’s legit,” he said, snatching it from my grasp before slipping it under the window. I heaved a sigh of relief that he never even looked at the name.

“Sure thing boss!” The pretty blond girl behind the window said as the owner walked away.

She dialed the number on the card for authorization. As I waited, I started to doubt my decision making. I was upset and frustrated; worried and sleep-deprived. If I went through with this, I was going to regret it. But I was already here. I couldn’t just walk out now. Not when the sound of shuffling cards and the call of the adrenaline rush was so close. It was within reach.

The cashier girl set the phone back down on the receiver and smiled brightly.

“All set! How much would you like?”

I nibbled my bottom lip nervously. My eyes flicked toward the door and back to the cashier.

“Twenty,” I finally said.

“Absolutely,” she said, counting out twenty thousand dollars in chips.

She tried to run the credit card and made a face at it.

“What’s wrong?” I asked; she’d already called for approval so there shouldn’t be any problem. Was this some kind of sign?

“Our machine is just a little picky sometimes,” she said, still chipper as ever as she swiped the card again.

By the third swipe I was getting nervous.

“You know what, never mind. I’ll come back when I have cash,” I said hastily, suddenly feeling very panicky.

She frowned.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to try it one more time?”

I sighed, of course she would play into my compulsive gambling.

“Okay, fine.”

She swiped it again and it beeped with success. She handed me the card back and I tucked it into my wallet.

“Okay, here’s five, ten—”

“EVERYBODY FREEZE!” her counting was interrupted by an army of police officers in combat gear pouring into the room.

Shit. Now I was in trouble.

I froze, keeping my hands up as the police rounded up the people at the tables and chased down the ones dumb enough to try to run. I wasn’t high on their priority list since I wasn’t actually doing anything other than standing there. The cashier subtly put away the chips she counted out for me and I understood the cue.

A scruffy looking black police officer came over to me and asked what I was doing.

“I’m just looking for someone,” I lied.

The officer looked to the cashier and she nodded eagerly. I didn’t think he believed either one of us, but he looked down and saw the swell of my belly and something in his face changed.

“All right. We’re going to have to take you down to the station for questioning, though.”

I couldn’t believe that my lie worked. I gave a silent thanks to the cashier girl for being so smart even though she was likely going to jail. She totally saved my ass.

I’d never ridden in the back of a police car before. I was thankful that I wasn’t handcuffed, but it still left a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. How could I have been so stupid? I got so caught up in everything that I forgot to think about the legal repercussions of my actions. I was so lucky that I wasn’t being charged with anything and I swore that I would never ever try to gamble again. For real this time.

After sitting at the police station for over three hours, the officer that brought me in asked me a few questions about how I got in and how I knew about the place. I didn’t lie to him about either of those things. I told him I used to work there so I knew the process and that I used my credit card as collateral even though I was just looking for a friend who had a gambling problem.

Thankfully, he still believed my story. He jotted down a handful of notes before turning me loose.

“Do you have someone that can pick you up?” He asked, implying that I wouldn’t be able to leave on my own.

I panicked. Who could I call? Bryce was MIA. I couldn’t call Kevin. Clara couldn’t drive and I didn’t want her or Francis to know about this anyway. Then I remembered: Tanner.

“Yes, I do,” I answered, pulling his business card from my wallet. I dialed out, bracing myself for the inevitable tongue lashing I was going to get.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Tanner, it’s Marcie,” I said quietly. The police station was noisy in the background and I hoped that he heard me. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. I wanted Bryce’s best friend to approve of me and this didn’t seem like the right path.

“Marcie, what’s wrong?”

“Um, nothing. I just need you to pick me up from the police station. I’ll explain everything when you get here.”

“Jesus, Bryce is going to kill me.” He hung up the phone and I was left to hope that he was coming to pick me up.

It took less than fifteen minutes for Tanner to make it to the station and burst through the door hurling expletives at me.

The officer that interviewed me stepped between Tanner and me with his hands up.

“Is this the guy you called?” He asked me.

I nodded, grabbing my purse and standing.

“Yeah, it’s fine. His mouth is as filthy as a sewer, but he’s harmless,” I answered with more confidence than I felt. I didn’t think Tanner would ever do anything to hurt me for fear of Bryce’s wrath. That was assuming Bryce was still okay. But I couldn’t think like that.

We got into Tanner’s souped up vintage Mustang and it roared to life. We got a block away from the police station before he found his voice to talk to me again.

“Are you going to explain yourself now?”

I sighed.

“Yes, but please don’t say anything to Bryce.”

“I’m not making any promises until I hear your story, but I’ll consider it.”

“Fair enough,” I said before launching into the entire sordid tale. I had to tell him about my past problems and about my Nana. I had to tell him about everything for any of it to make sense. And I needed it to make sense to him so he wouldn’t tell Bryce about picking me up at a police station.

We were nearly back to Bryce’s house by the time I finished explaining everything.

“All right. I won’t tell him,” he said.

“Thank you thank you thank you!”

“Under
one
condition,” he amended and my stomach sank. What now?

“You have to tell him how you feel about him,” he finished.

My mouth went dry; I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t open myself up to Bryce like that… could I? I was so terrified of having him turn out like Kevin.

“Why? I thought you didn’t like me…” I mumbled, hoping to change his mind.

“Look, Marcie, I’ve known Bryce for a long ass time. He’s like my brother. We’ve been through a lot of shit together and he’s still going through plenty of shit. You seem to be the only thing that keeps him from flying off the handle. It’s like you’re a lion tamer or something. You make him happier than I’ve ever seen him and sadder than I’ve ever seen him, which must mean that he cares about you a lot.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was dumbfounded and speechless. If he really meant everything he was saying then maybe Bryce loved me too. I didn’t want to let myself hope for that, but I couldn’t help the little bubble of excitement that rose in my chest. Maybe he did.

“For whatever reason, he’s too fucking dumb to tell you all of this himself. So I’m telling you in hopes that you’ll have enough balls for the both of you. I hate to say it, but he fucking needs you, Marcie. He’s lost his damn mind worrying about you.”

My head snapped to him.

“What? You’ve heard from him?!” I shouted angrily.

Tanner shrunk like he was afraid I was going to smack him and his ears turned red with embarrassment.

“Um… I didn’t mention that?”

“No you didn’t! Where is he? When is he coming home?”

“He’ll be back tomorrow. You’re lucky he’s not here now.”

I couldn’t believe it; Bryce was going to be home tomorrow!

“So, do we have a deal?” Tanner asked,extending his hand and making my heart race again. I didn’t know if I could do this, but it was my only option if I didn’t want to lose Bryce.

I shook his hand firmly, hoping I wouldn’t regret it.

“Deal.”

Chapter 22

I did it. I actually did it. After all this time and all the money I spent searching for him, I’d finally figured out who my father was. So why did it feel meaningless now? I always expected I would feel relief, closure, vindication,
something
; instead, I didn’t feel anything. I was going to go confront him just to make sure that this whole thing was finished, but my heart really wasn’t in it anymore.

I had to check in with Tanner one last time, just in case.

“Yo,” he answered.

“Hey, how’s Marcie?”

“Dude, she’s fine. No one’s gonna fuck with her. I’m right here.”

“Oh, good. I appreciate you keeping an eye on her, man.”

“Yeah, whatever. Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

“Me? Never. You know if something
does
happen…”

“Shut the fuck up. You should really just tell her yourself.”

I clenched my jaw, fighting my snappy retort.

“I’ll get there. Just let me get through this first.”

He sighed.

“Sure.” The call ended and I was left to gather my courage.

I knew he was staying in a hotel downtown. I had his room number and I managed to steal a key card from one of the housekeepers. I already scoped the place out for camera and planned an exit route if I needed one. Now I only had to go back and confront him.

I slipped in through a side entrance to the hotel and climbed the stairs to the seventh floor.

I had to pause for a moment to catch my breath and gather my thoughts. My heart was racing, my blood was full of adrenaline, my ears were ringing and my hands shaking. I thought I might have a panic attack before I ever even made it to his room, but I was able to calm myself down. I’d been working toward this day for nearly two decades and now that it was here, I just wanted to get it over with.

I expected to find him asleep in his bed, but instead I found him reading by lamplight in an armchair.

He looked at me over his glasses and went back to reading his book.