Cartography for Beginners (15 page)

"But he's not happy, either."

"Maybe," Leo said, "it's one of those realizations he has to reach on his own. Like the decision to adopt," he added pointedly.

"We're still thinking about adoption."

"Or, you're terrified about adoption and he's enthused."

"Or," Jamie said, "we're both terrified yet enthused. It's a scary business, parenthood. We like kids. We think we want kids. We love having the nieces and nephews around, and Ben's spoiled Thomasina quite thoroughly."

"Well, she's a baby," Leo said. "You're allowed to spoil babies. She'll turn out fine."

"I have no doubts about that. Tristan makes a lovely mother." He sighed. "But if Benjie opens his own shop, he'll be home even less than he is now. And I've got this painting gig that people seem to like, so I'm working eighteen hour days sometimes to keep up with commissions. We'd have to hire someone to look after the kid, and what's the point of having kids if you're just going to hand them off to a nanny all the time?"

Leo poked the box with his toe. "You make compromises. Ben can hire more assistants and train more interns to take care of the bakery and you can take fewer commissions. I won't sugarcoat it: when you have kids, you have to restructure your lives from the bottom up."

Jamie sighed again. "Yeah."

"And then when they're older and need you less, you pick up more work. I won't say they ever stop needing you, though."

Jamie was quiet a moment. "Leo. There's something I wanted to ask you." He rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. "When we're in England, I want to take a day or two and go to Manchester. Alone." He bit his lip, looking hopeful.

"Are you sure you want to do that, Jamie?"

"Yes," said Jamie with a vigorous nod. "I haven't been home for ten years. But I think I'll need to have Ben distracted while I'm away. I mean, I don't even know if I want to see my parents but I at least want to go by the house, but if Benjie's with me -- well, I'd rather Benjie isn't with me."

"Why? Are you afraid he'd get angry?"

"Yes. And, Christ, my father's nearly seventy. I don't want Ben to lose his temper at my dad."

"I wouldn't blame him for that if he did," Leo said. "I have a few words to say to your father, too."

"You wouldn't yell, though."

"Probably not."

"If I decide to do this, would you keep Benjie entertained and from feeling abandoned? Take him to tour something, like the Lake District, maybe."

"I don't think there are enough lakes in the world to distract him from being worried about you," Leo said.

"Maybe I'll make it a short trip. But it's something I need to do myself."

"Okay, Jamie," Leo said. "Project Distract Ben is a go."

"Thank you." He chuckled dryly. "Though I find myself wondering if they'll have an easier time accepting me now that I'm getting famous."

"Don't start thinking like that," Leo said. "They're your parents. They love you, even if they don't agree with you. I wouldn't be surprised if they needed time to adjust."

"Maybe. Not like I made it easy for them to find me again, either. What did you parents do, when you told them?"

"My father died before I could," Leo said. "He died when Frances and I were still planning to get married. When Frances broke off the engagement to be with Ocean I had to explain it to my mother, and she was so happy she'd still be getting a grandchild she didn't care what the circumstances were. Adam made her uncomfortable, but Adam makes a lot of people uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with being gay."

"And everything to do with always being the smartest person in the room," Jamie said.

"Hey. None of that."

"Leo," Jamie said patiently, "you have to admit it: Adam was not always the easiest person to be around."

"Well, no, but--"

"I'm perfectly happy to dislike him for your sake but I can find more than one reason on my own, too." He got to his feet. "Which reminds me -- I want to redo the mural in your room."

"No need," Leo said, but followed him into the bedroom anyway, and smiled faintly when Jamie, never restricted by social niceties, lay on his bed to look at the ceiling. "I like it the way it is."

"I can do better," Jamie said. "I can do something more suitable to your life now. Not just painting out Adam's name -- I can make it something Leo-esque."

Leo sighed and got into the bed with him, and looked up at the ceiling too. "What would be Leo-esque?"

"Now that is the interesting part. Keep the music, I think. And all the names -- maybe add Dune and Micah? And a place for the kid we all know they're going to eventually have?"

"Maybe," Leo said. "Do you think they're going to go through with it?"

"Micah's ready, and believe me, I never thought I'd say that about him. But he's done a lot of growing up in the last year. He can handle fatherhood." He paused. "Probably better than I can."

"I'm not so sure about Dune, though."

"Dunie, Dunie," Jamie said thoughtfully. "I don't know. I think having someone to look after will be good for him. Something to give him structure and get him out of his head."

"But if he's not able to handle it there's no reason to push him. I'm not even sure how I feel about it."

"What does Frances think about it?" Jamie said, turning his head to look at Leo.

"She wants them to be happy. She'd probably love a grandchild to make much of and spoil, but if Dune's not ready she's not going to insist on it."

Jamie nodded and looked back at the ceiling. "Ben's mum says it's a decision you have to make in your heart."

"She's probably right about that." Leo paused. "I was scared, you know, when Frances told me. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do with my life. I never thought I'd make a decent father."

"But you did."

"I did my best. Dune was a good kid and he's a good man, and that didn't have a whole lot to do with me."

"Don't be absurd. Dune was a good kid because he got a lot of love at home, and he's a good man because he wants to give that love back. So he got screwed up on the way -- we all do. We all choose at least one person who has the potential to wreck us."

"Or who does wreck us," Leo said softly.

"Micah will never wreck Dune," Jamie said. "I like to think I had something to do with that. He got the bad relationship out of the way early and then could go on and have good ones."

"I know. They're happy. Micah's good to him and good for him, and Dune is good right back, and it's healthy and supportive and all sorts of good things. But I don't know if Dune will ever get over Gavin completely, and that's what worries me."

Jamie pondered this. "I think Dune understands now, better than he did before, that what he and Gavin had wasn't love. It was ownership. I know Dune had that problem with other lovers too, thinking he should be theirs and theirs alone, but Gavin was the only one who got violent about it. Micah's not like that. Micah would never assume to own anyone." Jamie reached over and squeezed Leo's hand. "I think he knows, better than any of the rest of us, that real love is strictly voluntary."

Leo squeezed back. "Thanks, Jamie."

"Anytime," Jamie said, and they both went back to studying his ceiling.

Chapter Nine

The flight from San Francisco was on time, according to the airline website and the screens, yet it seemed to Stuart that the wait was long -- for the plane to land and taxi to the terminal, for his friends to gather their luggage and take it through customs, and for them to stumble sleepily to the designated meeting area for international flights.

Stuart abandoned his coffee and held out his arms, unable to keep from laughing when Micah dropped his bags and flew to meet him. "Micah-child," he said and kissed Micah's forehead, and there were several minutes of hugs and kisses and talk as all four of the young men tried to tell him about their journey. Leo alone was quiet, though he smiled when Stuart cupped his face and leaned their heads together.

It was after sunset when they arrived, so there was little to see on the drive from Gatwick into the city. Stuart had leased a town car big enough to carry all six of them. In the first row of seats Micah bounced from window to window, trying to find familiar sights, and finally perched on his seat and held Dune's hand and told him everything they would have to see and do and taste. In the second row, Jamie was quieter, twisting the straps of his luggage until Ben took his hands and wrapped them up in his own. Jamie smiled at him and leaned his head against Ben's shoulder.

Leo was in the passenger seat at Stuart's side. He watched the scenery, his hands crossed loosely over his thigh. Stuart said, "There's not much to see yet. You'll get a better look at the city tomorrow."

"It's already strange," Leo said. "I've never been in another country before. It's always been at the back of my mind that there was a lot of the world to see and that someday I'd get around to seeing it, but I never made an effort until now."

"Why is it strange?"

A smile flickered on Leo's mouth. "It's a bit like stepping into a fairy tale. Going to London to visit the queen, or seeking my fortune like Dick Wittington and his cat. The Old World is still magical."

"Magic may yet happen for you," said Stuart. Leo met his eyes and then looked out at the scenery again.

Stuart lived in Chiswick, in a house that faced the Thames. It was surrounded by houses of similar age, some of brownish-gray brick like Stuart's house, some red or pink. Ivy climbed the walls, and there was a small garden to the side.

Leo paused on the steps. "I thought you'd live someplace bigger, like a manor."

"This is big enough," Stuart said. "I've got land in France. I don't need it here."

Stuart opened the front door ahead of them, letting golden light spill out onto the stairs. The boys climbed the stairs, and Micah said, "Oh, wow," in an awed tone, which pleased Stuart. He'd had the house decorated in such a way to showcase his personal art collection, so the rooms were shades of white and ivory, with sturdy black leather furniture, bright paintings on the walls and sculptures on shelves and in niches. There were yellow tulips in crystal bowls and sunflowers in tall vases on end tables and the dining room table, and black-and-white photographs framed in white wood hung on the walls. The built-in bookcases were full of hardcover books, many of them about art and photography.

Two of the paintings, visible right in the main passage, were Jamie's -- rougher, made when he was younger and less trained, but recognizably his.

"You kept them," Jamie said.

"Of course," said Stuart easily. "Come along, your rooms are upstairs." They followed him up a narrow staircase. His own room was at the top of the stairs, and he put Dune and Micah beside him, with Ben and Jamie across the hall and Leo next to them. Their rooms were small but cozy, more white and black with art on the walls. They all had views, of the river on Ben and Jamie's side, and of gardens from Dune and Micah's.

"Unpack, relax," said Stuart. "I'll start supper. It should be an hour or so." He gave them a disarming smile and went downstairs.

He hadn't wanted Glenys to wait up all night for them, so she had left ingredients out for him to prepare. Stuart started slicing vegetables at the kitchen island, smiling at the sound of the boys going in and out of each other's rooms. He glanced up from his work when Leo came down the stairs. "I thought you'd want a nap."

"I slept on the plane. What can I do to help?"

"I'm grilling chicken. It's thawing in the fridge." He nodded to the refrigerator, tall and silver next to the double ovens. Leo took out a plate of chicken breasts as Stuart washed his hands, and they traded duties so Stuart could prepare the chicken and Leo could finish the vegetables. "What do you think of London so far?"

"This part is beautiful," Leo said. "I know there's a lot more to see. Have you lived here long?"

"Twelve years," Stuart said. "Before that I had a flat in Soho. And the vineyard, of course."

"Oh, of course," Leo said. "That's your real home, isn't it? This is just where you live."

Stuart paused to look at him. "What gives you that idea?"

"The art, mostly. They're good pieces but they're not your favorites. You don't have anything hanging in your bedroom, nothing you want to see first thing in the morning and last at night. Your favorites are at the vineyard."

"Art should be displayed," Stuart said and went back to work on their meal.

Leo said, after they'd worked in silence for a while, "Have you heard back from your son yet?"

"No, not yet. I can't say that I'm surprised, really. I'm sure he's changed his mind about inviting me as often as I've changed my mind about going."

"But if he sends you an invitation, you're going, right?"

"I don't know," Stuart said with a sigh. "Don't push me about this, please."

"I understand better than you probably think," Leo said. "I'm also trying to reconcile my son with an estranged parent."

"You're actually actively encouraging Dune to spend time with Adam and Raphael?"

"Sort of," Leo admitted. "I'm encouraging Dune to talk to Adam, and I'm hopeful that will lead to the two of them able to be the same room without fighting. I'm not hopeful for him and the new guy getting along, but one step at a time. How far is it from here to Manchester?"

Stuart laughed abruptly at the change of subject. "A little over three hundred kilometers," he said. "Four hours or so by train. Are you planning a side trip?"

"Jamie is thinking of seeing his parents," Leo said and Stuart put down the spatula.

"No. He shouldn't go. He shouldn't subject himself to that."

"They're his parents," said Leo. "They must miss him."

Stuart shook his head. "They have no interest in him. As soon as they realized he didn't fit into the template they had created for him they turned their backs on him, and nothing any of us who care about him can say would make a difference."

"But if they just see him--"

Stuart went on slowly shaking his head. "Not long after he and I got together, I thought the same thing -- I thought that his parents must want to know that he was healthy and happy. I went to them and I tried to talk to them, but as soon as they realized I was Jamie's lover they turned me out of the house."