Casper Candlewacks in the Time Travelling Toaster (14 page)

“But this one’s kind of crucial.” Casper held his hands to his forehead, desperately trying to think of a solution. “Flanella, can’t you just set it to activate on any channel?”

“Course not. Can you watch all the telly channels at once?”

“If you’ve got enough tellies,” said Casper.

“But we don’t have enough tellies. We’ve only got one.” Flanella pointed at the Tickle Tag. “Except it’s not even a telly.”

Malcolm made some grumbling noises. Everyone else tried to work out why they were talking about tellies.

Flanella spoke up again. “Malcolm says he needs the channel, and he can’t work without it.’

“But we don’t know it! And we don’t have time to guess them all.” Casper looked at his watch. The villagers should’ve overpowered the guards by now. They’d soon be on their way out, leading those freed workers. “If we can’t get this working, they’ll be tickled and recaptured
again
, and the robot’ll be just fine.”

Chrys gave a snarl. “But I’ve told you! I don’t know the code!”

“Then there’s only one thing we can do. We take that lift all the way to the head, and we try to reason with Briar.”

Flanella gasped. “But I’m scared of heights.”

Chrys scrunched her mouth. “I could give it a go.”

“What else have we left?” This was lunacy, Casper knew, but he’d run out of time and plans.

“I’ll just stay here spading,” said Lamp.

The doors to the lift opened and the three squeezed inside. It was carpeted, quite posh, the sort of lift Lamp might have stolen from a hotel.

“Going up,” a lady said, and the lift jerked into motion.

Ping!

The doors slid open to a chrome and ivory control room, bedecked with the latest gadgets and lots of flashing lights, which probably did nothing, but looked absolutely brilliant. Briar and Anemonie Blight swivelled round in their black pilots’ chairs to face their intruders.

“Lamp, what on earth do you want n— AAARGH!” Anemonie screamed.

Briar reached for his bread gun.

“Stop!” cried Chrys.

“Why should I?” Briar’s lips bent into a sickly smile. “Traitor.”

“Am I, though?” Chrys snarled. “Or have I just brought you the two most wanted rebels in Corne-on-the-Kobb, unarmed, without even lifting a finger?”

Time seemed to stop. Casper turned to Chrys, saw her cruel eyes, and his heart sank. “What? How could you…”

“Oh, deary me, Candlewacks,” sniggered Anemonie. “Did you make the mistake of trusting a Blight? Tut tut.” She wrinkled her pointy nose.

Chrys walked slowly to the other side to join her brother and grandmother.

“What’s she doing?” asked Flanella. “Chrys, you’re on the wrong side, silly.”

The lift doors slid closed softly behind them, and Casper knew he and Flanella were trapped.

“Your little rebellion was so much fun to crush,” smiled Briar. “Shame it had to end so soon, really. Oh, look, another escape attempt.” He dragged right on a joystick and the robot swung hard with his movement. From up here, through the glass windscreen, Casper could see it all: Blight Manor, the battle, the pigeons… By now the fence-cutting team had done their job, and through gaps in the wire poured streams of freed workers.

“Ah, and you did so well. Look, some of my employees have escaped once more,” Briar chuckled. “You can’t even tell which is which.” He pulled the remote control from his jacket pocket. “Well, there’s always one way to separate them.” Briar tapped in a three-digit code and exactly half the ant-like figures collapsed into fits of giggles.

Beside him, Chrys watched her brother tickle his minions with victory in her eyes.

“You’re
evil
,” muttered Casper.

“I know!” Briar’s voice had a note of celebration. “And it never gets old!” He pushed the
VOLUME UP
button and the giggling got louder.

“I’ve got what I’ve always wanted here, Candlewacks,” smirked Anemonie. “Respect, success, and bags and bags of money. I ain’t letting you take that away from me.”

Chrys sniggered. “I feel sorry for
you, Casper.” She looked him straight in the eye. “Too stupid to go free when I gave you the chance.”

“When was my chance?” asked Casper, confused. “In the kitchen? To escape in the Time Toaster?”

“You could be far away now. A Saxon shepherd, perhaps. But, no, you decide to stay and lose even more.”

Casper shook his head. “You’re the worst of them all, Chrys.”

“As I say,” Chrys spoke more slowly now, more deliberately. “I feel sorry
for
you.
Too
stupid to go
free.
”

“I heard you the first time.”

“But did you?” She winked at Casper. “Did you really hear me? I feel so sorry
for
you.
Too
stupid to go
free.”

“Stop saying that! Why are you… What’s with the…” and then he saw where Chrys was leaning on the dashboard, and he swallowed his questions.

There was a big red button marked
INTERCOM
, and Chrys’s palm had pressed firmly down on it. Whatever they were saying, Lamp could hear. Then there were the words she was using, more specifically, the ones she was stressing. “
For… too… free. For… too… free.
”

Casper had to bite his tongue to force back the smile.
Four, two, three!
They were numbers! They were…
a channel.
Casper got it now. Chrys had gone over to Briar’s side, but only to find out the channel for the Tickle Tags. And there it was, hidden in her words.
Four, two, three!
And, as Casper looked, Briar pressed those exact numbers as he tickled the workers on the ground once again.

Now all that was needed was for Lamp to decipher Chrys’s secret message. He could hear her on the intercom, yes, but Lamp’s code-breaking skills were limited by his word-understanding skills, which were limited by his brain-thinking skills. Oh dear.

In the meantime, bread rained down on the villagers. The pigeons made a grey blanket over the lawn now.

“You know what, Briar? If Flanella had a computer right now, she’d take this whole place down,” Casper said, nice and loud so that Lamp would hear.

“Maybe she would,” agreed Chrys, speaking more closely to the intercom now, “but we’d never give her that chance.
For
you’d need
to
get
free
from the Blights before you’d get close to another computer.”

“My ’puter’s downstairs,” said Flanella. “I could go and get it.”

Briar raised his bread gun. “You’re going nowhere.”

Still nothing. Casper watched the intercom and willed Lamp to hear his thoughts.
Just type four two three! Just do it!

Flanella had lost interest and was counting her fingers.

Below, breaded villagers and workers alike were being dragged back into Blight Manor by the burly guards. The pigeons had lifted The Great Tiramisu’s white tiger into a tree. Three of the Cuddleses had amassed a pile of pigeons to rival Mount Everest, but their claws were growing blunt and still flocks of the vermin bombarded them. Guards and Brewsters threw punches and breadcrumbs until both were floored by the sweeping foot of the robot. There was no more time to play around.

“For goodness’ sake, Lamp, the code’s four two three! Type it into the computer! Do it n—”

Briar was on Casper before he could finish the sentence, bundling him to the ground and covering his mouth. Anemonie finally caught wind and snatched Chrys’s hand away from the intercom, shouting “TRAITOR! DOUBLE TRAITOR!”

Flanella lost count at eleven and started again.

Casper wasn’t sure if it was Briar, the robot, or the ground beneath the robot’s feet, but at that moment things began to shake. They all slid towards the control panel, then tumbled back towards the lift. Anemonie lost her footing, tumbling into Chrys. Briar threw a punch at Casper, but the cabin upturned, Briar rolled backwards and his wayward fist struck Anemonie’s jaw. A huge rumbly burp bubbled from below and the cabin shook once more.

“Lamp’s done it!” cried Casper. “The robot’s being tickled!”

Flanella giggled. “I forgot which way was up!”

Then the floor tipped so far upwards it was now a wall, and Casper found himself and the others tumbling into the lift. The doors closed, the nice lady said “Going down,” and then the robot swung the other way. The lift’s five passengers crunched together on one mirrored wall. The robot tilted again. Casper thought he’d got a mouthful of Anemonie’s hair. Briar threw another punch, this time clocking himself plum on the nose.

Ping!

The door slid open and the five, shuffled like a pack of cards, flew downwards, or upwards, or whichever wards it was at this point (quite frankly I’ve lost track of it all), out into Lamp’s bakery room.

Lamp, upside down, looked pleased to have visitors, but his glee only lasted until the robot plummeted downwards and everybody’s stomachs floated up to their throats.

Then –
KABOOSH!

The impact threw all six up into the air and crashing back in a dizzy heap.

Outside, Casper could hear the strained cheers of hundreds of villagers. Inside, the lights had failed and somebody was strangling him.

“Get off!” choked Casper.

“Oh, sorry,” came the grunt of Chrys. “Thought you were my brother.”

“No, you oaf of a girl. I’m over here.”

Chrys clambered over the pile of bodies and strangled Briar instead.

Then the backside hatch flew open, flooding the bakery room with sunlight, and the chiselled face of Sir Gossamer peeped in. “Hark! They’re in here!”

A heartfelt roar burst from the crowd, and then more and more heads popped over the edge.

“It’s Casper!” cried Sandy Landscape.

“And the others too!” squeaked Mitch McMassive.

“Bring me the Blights!” roared the crumb-faced Mayor Rattsbulge.

Baz and Gaz Lazlo lifted each person out of the furnace room in turn, throwing them either on a pile marked
HEROES
or one marked
VILLAINS
. At first, Chrys was thrown on the
VILLAINS
pile, but that was soon sorted out.

Blinking in the sunlight, Casper sat himself up on the robot’s metal back and looked at the scene surrounding him. Both of the robot’s arms had fallen off in the impact and spilt dozens of freshly baked loaves all over the grass. The pigeons had given up on their first course, left the villagers alone and flocked to the far thicker pickings there.

Now free of pigeons, the crowds of crumb-encrusted villagers were jumping up and down, hugging each other and clonking their swords merrily on the robot’s dead shell.

Briar and Anemonie were thrust under Baz and Gaz’s sweaty armpits and carried down from the robot, screaming vile curses as they went. Around them, the recently resigned employees of Blight Enterprises ripped off their Tickle Tags and stamped on them until all that was left was microchips.

“Lock ’em in the stocks!” shouted Sir Gossamer.

“Chuck ’em in the deepest cell the Kobb Valley’s got to offer!” roared Mayor Rattsbulge.

“Chop orf their heads!” screeched Clemmie Answorth, swinging her handbag above her head like a perfumed mace.

An exhausted smile spread over Casper’s lips as he saw the victorious scene on the lawn. He’d done it. The village was safe once more. Even the guards of Blight Manor had dropped their bread guns and fled once the robot had fallen.

The four burly Brewster brothers lumbered forward and picked up Casper, Chrys, Flanella and Lamp in turn. Lifting them high above their heads, they began a parade around the lawn, a mass of hundreds of freed slaves and time-shifted villagers cheering their names.

“It’s Casper Candlewacks!” cried a girl in grey overalls.

“And Lamp Flannigan!” cried another. “They’re so dreamy!”

Below them, villagers reached out to touch their heroes, screaming as if they’d met a popstar.

“I could get used to this,” smiled Casper.

Chrys flashed Casper a rare smirk. “Sorry about double-crossing you. I had to get the code somehow.”

Casper shook his head. “It was clever! You’ve got some serious brains up there.”