Cassie's Cowboy Daddy (11 page)

She pulled from his arms to look at him. “What happened between you and your father?”

Closing his eyes, Logan shook his head. He didn't like talking about the past or the pain that remembering it always caused. But he supposed that if she and the twins were going to stay—and it was beginning to look as if they would—she might as well know what had happened.

“I was eleven when my mother died.” He opened his eyes to stare off into the distance.

Cassie gasped. “Oh, Logan, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were so young when she died. What happened?”

“The west pasture didn't have good access to water, so during the summer my dad and I dammed up the stream and made a small watering hole.” He took a deep breath. “That winter he assigned me the job of riding over there every day to chop a hole in the ice for the cattle to get water.”

“That seems awfully young for that kind of chore,” Cassie said gently.

“I'm sure that's what my mom thought, too,” he said, nodding. “No matter how busy she was, or what she had left to do of her own chores, she always made sure she rode over there with me.”

“She must have been a very good mother.”

“She was.” When he'd lost his mother, he'd lost
the only person in the world who'd loved him unconditionally. He had to clear his throat before he could continue. “Anyway, one day when we got there the pond was frozen over, like it always was. I was almost finished clearing a fairly good-sized hole when the ax flew out of my hands and slid out onto the ice. Mom said to leave it, but I knew Dad would raise hell about me losing a good ax, so I went out onto the ice after it.”

“Oh, my God! You fell in.”

Nodding, he closed his eyes against the pain knifing through him. “I slipped and went into the hole I'd just finished chopping. Mom didn't hesitate. She jumped off her horse and came in after me.”

The tears running down Cassie's cheeks just about did him in. “Did your mother drown?”

“No. God only knows how, but she managed to drag us both out of the water and get us home.” He swallowed around a lump the size of his fist, clogging his throat. “She got sick right after that, but didn't let on how bad she felt. By the time we realized how ill she was, a blizzard had moved through. It took three days before Dad could get her to the hospital down in Laramie. But it was too late. We lost her that night.”

“I'm sure you and your father did all you could.”

Logan's face hardened. “As far as my Dad was concerned, I'd done enough already.”

“Your father blamed you?”

“Until the day he died,” Logan said, nodding.

Her stomach knotted. “It wasn't your fault, Logan.” How could a father blame his son for something the child couldn't prevent?

He nodded. “Reasoning tells me now that it wasn't.” He thumped his chest. “But when I was a kid it felt like it was in here. If it weren't for Hank and his friendship, I wouldn't have had anyone.”

Her stomach felt ready to revolt. How could a man lay that kind of senseless guilt on a child?

Everything began to make sense. No wonder Logan kept reminding her how far it was to town. It also explained why he'd hovered over her when she had the flu. He had been afraid she'd become as ill as his mother. And Cassie could well understand his fear of subjecting a child to the kind of treatment he'd received from his father.

She knew deep in her heart that Logan could never be like his father. But Logan didn't realize it yet, and she had no idea what to say to convince him or ease the years of pain he'd suffered.

The churning in her stomach increased, and she wasn't sure if it was due to the outrage she felt at his father's cruelty or from the baby nestled deep inside her. But she did know that if she didn't leave that very minute, she'd end up humiliating herself by being sick.

“Cassie, I've been meaning to ask you about something concerning Hank and the ranch,” Logan said. “Would you have any objections to our giving him an interest in the Lazy Ace Cattle Company? He's been a loyal friend and—”

Her stomach lurched and she jumped to her feet. “I can't stay…any longer. I can't think…about it now. I have to leave.”

Logan's chest tightened and his heart felt as if someone were trying to rip it from his body as he
watched the only woman he'd ever loved run from him as if a pack of wolves nipped at her heels. She was leaving.

What had driven her away? Had she been repulsed by the sordid story of his mother's death? She'd said he wasn't to blame. Did she mean it? Or deep down did she think his father had been right?

Or could she have finally realized that although beautiful, this land was dangerous? Was she afraid that Samson would come back and one day threaten the girls?

Logan took a deep, shuddering breath, then another. Nothing eased the pain threatening to choke the life from him. His gaze scanned the mountains to the east, then the western horizon that seemed to go on forever. He'd just begun to believe she loved this rugged land as much as he did.

How could he have let himself fantasize that she wouldn't find the isolation intolerable? How could he have fooled himself into believing that he could always protect her and the babies from being harmed? Hell, he hadn't even been able to ensure her safety in the short quarter of a mile between the ranch house and the foreman's cabin.

Gazing at the log structure, he shook his head. Cassie and the babies would be leaving to go back to St. Louis and it would kill him if he had to watch them go. He'd get Hank to bring him some clothes and a few supplies. Then, after Cassie and the girls had cleared out, Hank and Ginny could have the ranch house and he'd move in down here.

He'd started the renovations on the cabin for Cassie and the twins to move in, thinking it would ensure
his peace of mind. But Logan realized now that even if Hank hadn't decided to marry Ginny and claim the foreman's house, it would never have worked. Cassie had turned the ranch house into a home for all of them, and in doing so, she'd made it impossible for him to ever live there without her.

C
assie looked up from the magazine she'd been thumbing through and glanced at the clock. Again. It was almost ten and Logan still hadn't returned from the cabin. When Hank had come home for dinner, all he'd said was Logan wouldn't be joining them. That had been over four hours ago. What could be taking him so long?

“Cass? Hank and I are going up to bed,” Ginny said from the bottom of the stairs. All evening she and Hank had been sitting at the kitchen table, poring over baby-furniture catalogs and planning how they'd decorate their nursery. “How much longer are you going to stay up?”

“Oh, for a little while,” Cassie said, feigning indifference. She needed to talk to Logan and she wasn't going to bed until she had.

Hank walked up behind Ginny and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Uh, Cassie, I think you might be up for quite some time if you're waiting on Logan. He's spending the night down at the foreman's house.”

Shocked, Cassie tossed the magazine onto the couch beside her and jumped to her feet. “Why?”

“He said it would be easier to get started to work in the morning.” The look on Hank's face told her he knew a lot more about the situation than he was telling.

“What's going on, Hank?” she demanded, not expecting much of an explanation.

“I can't say,” Hank said, looking grim. “All I know is Logan said he'd be down there if anyone needed him.” A slow grin replaced the man's troubled expression. “Do
you
know of anyone who needs him, Cassie?”

Hank hadn't exactly been a fountain of knowledge, but he was definitely trying to nudge her in the right direction. She looked to Ginny for a clue.

Her best friend smiled. “Cass, if you know of anyone who needs to make a trip down to the cabin tonight, tell them that Hank and I will be here in case the twins wake up.”

“And while you're at it, you can tell whoever goes down there to let Logan know I've decided to take tomorrow morning off,” Hank added.

Ginny nodded. “Hank and I are going to practice our baby skills. You wouldn't happen to know where we could find a couple of babies to take care of, would you?”

Tears filled Cassie's eyes as she rushed over to hug them both. “You two are the best. Thanks.”

“You're not walking down there after what happened today with Samson, are you?” Ginny asked, concerned.

“No, I'll take my car.”

Hank dug in his pocket, then handed Cassie a set of keys. “Your car is in the shed. Take my truck.” He paused, his expression turning serious. “When you get down there, don't be surprised if Logan has the idea you might not be staying around much longer.”

“He thinks we're leaving?” she asked incredulously. “What on earth gave him that idea?”

“Don't know,” Hank said, shrugging. “But make him listen to reason.”

“I will.” Cassie grabbed her windbreaker from the hall closet and stuffed her arms into the sleeves. “Logan Murdock may be the most stubborn, aggravating soul I've ever met, but I know what I want.”

“You go, girl!” Ginny said, laughing.

Cassie ran down the hall to the kitchen, then out the back door to Hank's truck. The man she loved was sitting a quarter of a mile away, thinking that she was leaving him. She had to set things straight.

As she inserted the key into the ignition, the thought that she might make a fool of herself crossed her mind, but she pushed it aside. Stan had rebelled at the thought of impending fatherhood. But he'd been selfish and immature. Logan was nothing like that. And she wouldn't allow her fears that he'd re
ject her, the twins and the baby she carried to keep her from trying to convince him they belonged together.

 

Sitting on the porch steps of the foreman's house, Logan stared up at the stars. This afternoon had been a prime example of what he'd tried to tell Cassie all along. The Lazy Ace was no place for women and kids. The weather was too harsh, and in the event of an emergency the ranch was too remote. And just today Samson had proved the dangers posed by the natural predators of the area.

Of course, by calling his friend at Fish and Wildlife he'd already taken care of Samson and the threat the bear posed. Samson would soon be on his way to a closed area of a wilderness park in Montana where contact with humans was a very remote possibility. He'd be away from human contact, and his chances of survival would be much better now that he'd apparently lost all fear of humans.

But Logan would be damned if he could figure out how he was going to survive without Cassie. What would the rest of his life be like?

Dismal
was about the only word he could think of that even came close to describing the hell he anticipated for the future.

If he thought it would make a difference in her decision, he'd go crawling up to the house on his hands and knees and beg her to stay. But he knew she'd refuse. He might as well keep his pride. It was about all he had left. She'd already taken his heart, his soul.

The distant sound of a truck engine roaring to life split the quiet night. Hank really needed to get that
muffler fixed. The damned thing was just plain offensive.

Logan could tell the vehicle was getting closer, and he wondered why his friend was driving down to the cabin. But it didn't matter. Hell, nothing mattered anymore. Cassie was leaving the Lazy Ace and that pretty much desensitized him to everything else.

God, he'd never realized a man could hurt so much or life could feel so hopeless. He took a deep, shuddering breath. It felt as if someone had reached inside him and ripped out his very soul, leaving him empty. Hollow.

He still didn't think he'd ever forgive his father for the hell he'd put him through, but Logan was beginning to understand what his father might have been feeling after his wife died. If Cal Murdock had loved Logan's mother as much as Logan loved Cassie, losing her had to have devastated the man.

When the truck pulled to a stop in front of the cabin, Logan took a deep breath and tried to adopt a benign expression. Hank didn't give up easily. Logan would give him that.

All afternoon Hank had practically talked himself blue, trying to get Logan to go up to the ranch house and straighten things out with Cassie. Logan had finally threatened to deck him before Hank shut up. And then he'd spent the rest of the afternoon muttering about boneheaded fools and stubborn jackasses. He'd probably come back to try one last time.

But Hank had promised to keep his mouth shut about the reason Logan was staying away from the ranch house. He had no doubt it would just about kill the man, but he knew Hank would do as he'd asked.

As the driver's door opened, Logan's heart stopped, then thumped so hard he thought it might crack a few ribs. Cassie was getting out of Hank's truck. What the hell was she doing down here? Why wasn't she up at the house? Had his misguided, meddling best friend betrayed him?

Or had something happened? Was something wrong with one of the babies?

“What are you doing down here, Logan?” she asked, walking toward him. “I've been waiting to talk to you all evening.”

The sound of her soft voice and the sight of her slender figure silhouetted in the moonlight just about tore him apart. “I'm working.”

She shook her head and sat down beside him. With her body so close to his, his hands shook from wanting to reach out to touch her.

“You can't work and sit on the steps gazing off into the night,” she said gently. “What's wrong, Logan?”

He ignored her question. “What are you doing here, Cassie?”

He'd tried to keep his voice flat, but the strain of having her so close and not being able to hold her had added a harshness that made him wince. God, but he wanted to wrap his arms around her and never let go. He clenched his hands into tight balls to keep from doing just that.

“I can see you're back to your usual congenial self,” she said dryly. “You really do need to work on your people skills, Logan.”

He shrugged. “There's not a lot of need for people skills out here.” His forearms rested on his knees;
he stared at his doubled fists. Every nerve in his body felt as if it twitched, and he rose to his feet to fight the restlessness. “You'd better go back to the house, Cassie. I've got an early day tomorrow and I'm going inside to get some sleep.”

Jumping to her feet, she pushed on his chest and knocked him flat on his butt. “You're not going anywhere, buster. We've got things to talk over and you're going to listen to what I have to say.”

The sudden anger in her voice confused him. What did she have to be angry about? She was the one making the decision to leave the ranch.

Logan closed his eyes, took a deep breath and rose to his feet again. “I think you pretty much said what was on your mind this afternoon.”

“No, I didn't.” To his surprise, she shoved him back down again with more force than he would have expected from a woman her size. She shook her finger in front of his nose. “If I have to tie you up, you're going to listen to what I have to say, Logan Murdock.”

The lights from inside the cabin filtered out onto the front porch and illuminated her delicate features. Cassie was furious and absolutely gorgeous.

He sighed. He might as well let her have her say, let her get it out of her system and then live the rest of his life in misery, remembering how beautiful she'd been when she was spitting mad.

“What's on your mind, Cassie?”

She propped her hands on her shapely hips and stared down at him. “Just where did you get the idea that I'm going back to St. Louis?”

That answered his question about Hank's loyalty.
The next time he saw the man, Logan fully intended to knock the hell out of him.

“You told me—”

She glared at him. “I did no such thing.”

“Yes, you did.”

“
No,
I didn't.”

He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Look, Cassie, this isn't getting us anywhere and I'm not up to bickering with you.” When he finally looked up at her, it just about tore him apart to repeat what she'd said. “This afternoon you told me you had to get out of here and that you were leaving.”

She stopped to look at him as if he might not be the brightest bulb in the lamp. “You thought I meant I'd be leaving the Lazy Ace?”

“What else was I to think? I'd just told you about my mother dying because of this place being to hell and gone from civilization.”

Her expression softened and, kneeling in front of him, she took his hands in hers. “Logan, that was a freak accident. Maybe your mother would have lived if you'd been closer to town and maybe she wouldn't. We'll never know. But I promise you, you weren't to blame. You'd have gone in after her if the circumstances had been reversed, wouldn't you?”

He nodded.

She kissed his palms, and longing streaked straight through him. “Would it matter that much to you if I did leave the ranch?”

“Yes.” The word was out before he could stop himself. But once he'd said it, he wasn't sorry. Life without her would be sheer hell, and there was no sense lying about it.

“Why, Logan? Why would it make a difference if the girls and I went back to St. Louis?”

Her gaze held him captive and it suddenly didn't matter anymore whether he had a shred of pride left. All he wanted was to be with Cassie and the twins—to be part of their family.

Reaching for her, he hauled her to his chest and buried his face in her red-gold hair. “Because I love you, Cassie. God knows I tried not to, but I love you with every fiber of my being.”

She pulled back to look at him a moment before covering her face with her hands and bawling like a baby.

Now what was he supposed to do? He'd damned his pride, laid his heart on the line and told her he loved her—something he'd never said to any other woman—and it made her cry? Was the idea of his loving her that revolting?

Logan felt about as low as a man could possibly feel.

Then Cassie confused the hell out of him. She took her hands from her face, threw her arms around his neck and cried harder.

Lifting her to sit across his lap, he held her close and rocked back and forth. He had no idea what was going on, but she was in his arms again and he took that as a good sign.

When she managed to regain control of her runaway emotions, Cassie laughed and wiped her eyes. Logan looked as if he wasn't sure whether to smile back or run for cover.

“You okay?” he asked, sounding cautious.

Cassie nodded. “I'm sorry. It's just…I mean, my
emotions are so…” She paused, trying to think of a way to ease into the announcement that could very well destroy their relationship. “Hormones,” she finally said.

“Oh.” His expression changed to one of understanding, and he nodded. “I was wondering when that would happen.” He pulled her back against his chest and hugged her close. “So you're not leaving the ranch?”

“Absolutely not. Wild horses couldn't drag me away. I love it here.”

He was silent for several minutes, then she felt his chest rise as he took a deep breath. “Why did you tell me you were leaving?”

“I didn't want to embarrass myself by being sick in front of you,” she said, knowing that in the next few minutes there would be no turning back.

“I'm sorry, sugar,” he said, his large hand gently rubbing her back. “I didn't realize that Samson had scared you that badly.”

“He didn't.” She took a deep breath, then another. Leaning back, she met his questioning gaze. “Yes, I was very frightened, but there's another reason for my nausea.”

“Are you sick?” he demanded, looking extremely worried.

“Not really.”

She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes. She'd never felt more unsure, but Logan had a right to know. She'd make her announcement and know exactly what his reaction would be to the news that sent some men running for their lives.