Cast Me Gently (31 page)

“You, too,” said Darlene, looking at Ellie as if she wanted to say something more.

“Well, I have to get going,” Ellie said before Darlene could say anything else. “Bye.”

She turned and walked away with a wave. “You wanted to meet people,” she said with a wry smile as she turned a corner.

A hard frost had descended overnight, covering Teresa’s car windows, and making the bushes and trees glitter in the early morning light. She scraped her windshield clean and gave the side windows a cursory scrape, and then got in and headed toward the store. As she turned into the alley, her eyes automatically scanned for Dogman and Lucy. Even after all these months, she still hoped she might see them.

Inside the store, she busied herself putting out the boxes of Halloween candy that had been delivered yesterday.
Ellie’s idea,
she recalled. And right after Halloween, it would be time to decorate the window for Thanksgiving. She went to the storeroom and found the box labeled “Macy’s Parade”. Inside were all of the miniatures Ellie had made for the display last year, with the toy soldiers holding the strings attached to their Popeye and Superman balloons. She fingered one of the figures, biting her lip for a moment before setting the box down and going to the telephone.

She dialed and waited impatiently for someone to answer. “Hi, Mrs. D’Armelio? Has Bernie left for school yet?” She waited, listening to the voices coming over the phone. “Hey,” she said when Bernie picked up. “You doing anything tonight?”

“No,” said Bernie. “Why?”

“Want to go to the diner?”

There was a long pause. “Sure. We can do that. Want me to pick you up?”

“No,” said Teresa. “I’ll come get you. Five o’clock?”

“Sounds good. See you then.”

Teresa hung up and went outside to sweep and pass out bread for Mrs. Schiavo. She’d have to figure out how to get her mother to close the store for her.

“Just tell her you have something to do,” she muttered. “It’s not like you do this every night. You’re allowed to have an
evening off.”

If Sylvia wondered what Teresa wanted with her evening off, she didn’t ask. Teresa kept an eye on the clock, wondering a few times if it was broken, as it seemed to have stopped. At last, four-thirty rolled by, and she went to get her jacket and purse from the office.

“Bye, Ma,” she said as she hurried out the back door.

She drove to Bernie’s house and beeped. Bernie appeared immediately and got in.

“So, what’s up?” Bernie asked.

“Nothing,” said Teresa. “I just got hungry for one of Louise’s burgers.”

“Jesus, Bennie, it’s me. Stop with the bullshit.”

Teresa sighed. “All right. I want to get her address. I figure Louise will have it.”

Bernie grinned. “It’s about fucking time.” She chatted about school and the nun who was their new principal as Teresa drove through downtown traffic.

When they got to the diner, Teresa’s heart fell as she saw Patty at the register. “Damn. She’s not here.”

They slid into a booth and picked up menus. A waitress Teresa didn’t recognize came to take their drink orders.

“Is Louise here tonight?” Bernie asked.

The waitress glanced up at them. “Yes. She’s in the office. May I tell her who’s asking?”

“Friends of Ellie’s.”

“I’ll tell her right away.”

Louise appeared a couple of minutes later and sat beside Teresa, giving her a hug. “How are you two?”

“We’re good,” Teresa said. “How are you feeling?”

Louise laughed. “I couldn’t be better. Patty is here at least half-time now, so I can take some time off. Something I never thought I’d say.” She eyed both of them. “So what brings you down here?”

“Your burgers and shakes,” Teresa said quickly. “What else?”

Louise nodded. “What else, indeed.” She slid out of the booth. “I’ll let you enjoy your meal. Good to see you.”

Bernie leaned across the table. “Why didn’t you ask?”

“I just couldn’t,” Teresa said miserably. “Then she’d know Ellie and I haven’t talked or written.”

Bernie shook her head. “You are so fucked. Do you think she doesn’t know that already?”

Teresa sat there, her appetite gone, when Louise reappeared.

“I don’t know if you need this,” she said, laying a slip of paper on the table. “Oh, and I’m driving down there in a couple of weeks, if you’d like to go with me.”

She left, and Teresa stared after her.

“Close your mouth,” Bernie said reaching for the paper. “You look like an imbecile.” Her face broke into a big grin, and she held the paper up. “Ellie’s address.”

“Why are you doing that?”

Marion had entered the restaurant on a busy Friday night, unannounced as she often did, to find Ellie hurrying through the dining room, carrying a tub of dirty dishes.

“One of the bus boys didn’t show tonight,” Ellie said in a harassed voice. It wasn’t just the missing bus boy—it was the bus boy, a squabble between two of the waitresses over a bartender, and Darlene. She could feel Darlene’s gaze following her from the bar, though she refused to look over. Ever since the cruise, Darlene had been coming to the restaurant two or three nights a week. She sat at the bar, ate a little, drank quite a bit, but mostly tried to engage Ellie in conversation. Ellie had quickly figured out that maybe Darlene’s girlfriend had her reasons for leaving. Ellie made her apologies, but kept moving, grateful on the nights the restaurant was busy.

“I want to check on the new guy,” Marion said, heading to the kitchen where they had a new cook, whose only experience was cooking in his family’s Chinese restaurant. Marion hadn’t been so sure about hiring him, but Ellie had talked her into giving him a chance.

“I’m surprised this joint isn’t serving fried chicken and chitt’lins,” Ming, the new guy, was saying to the other cooks as they entered.

The other cooks stopped laughing when they saw Marion and Ellie, and there was dead silence, except for the sizzle of cooking food.

Marion put her hands on her hips, reminding Ellie forcefully of Louise, and said, “I suppose if you had your way, we’d be serving chow mein and egg rolls.” Ming whipped around to face her as a few of the other cooks smirked. “If you have a problem working for a black woman,” Marion continued, “you’d better speak up now.”

“No, ma’am,” he said.

“Glad to hear it. Now get back to work, all of you.”

Marion went down the line, tasting and inspecting. “Good work, everyone.” She made for the kitchen doors, adding in a fake Southern accent, “Even if we ain’t serving fried chicken and chitt’lins.”

They heard loud laughter follow them as the doors swung closed. Marion pulled Ellie aside. “What’s with the woman at the bar? A friend of yours?”

Ellie felt her face get hot. “No. I mean, I know her, but I don’t know how to get rid of her.”

“Leave that to me.” Marion went behind the bar and stood in front of Darlene. “How many have you had tonight, sweetheart?”

“Just a couple,” Darlene said, holding her beer.

“Well, I never let anyone leave my place three sheets to the wind,” Marion said. “And I don’t let customers interfere with my staff when they’re on the clock. So, this is your last one for tonight, all right?”

How does she do that and not piss people off?
Ellie thought, watching from a distance.

“Sure,” Darlene said, draining her glass. She slid down from her bar stool and left with one last glance in Ellie’s direction.

“If that happens again, you let me know,” Marion said.

“Thanks.”

Marion glanced at her watch. “Louise should be here soon. Let’s go to the office.”

Ellie told the hostess where they’d be and followed Marion.

“Close the door,” Marion said.

Ellie closed the door and sat.

“Are you happy here?”

Ellie’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Marion sat back, one perfectly plucked eyebrow arched as she looked at Ellie. “I mean, are you happy here? Happy at work? Happy in Baltimore? It’s not a hard question.”

“Well,” Ellie stalled. “I guess I’ve been a little homesick for Pittsburgh, but I’ve been exploring more of Baltimore. It’s a nice city.”

“Yes, it is,” Marion agreed with a hint of a smile, but only a hint. “And you still didn’t answer my question.”

Ellie’s shoulders slumped a little. “I’m tired, I guess. Working a lot of hours.”

At this admission, Marion leaned forward, her elbows on the desk. “Yes, it has been a lot of hours. And you’ve done a fantastic job. I would have had a hard time getting this second location up and running without you. Louise wasn’t lying when she said you were the hardest working person she knew. That’s quite a compliment coming from her.”

Ellie felt her cheeks glow at the praise.

“But is this what you want to do as your career?”

Ellie thought for a moment. “I’ve worked since I was eighteen, two and three jobs. I’ve never really given any thought to a career. I guess I could go back to banking.”

Marion sat back with a scowl. “Banking. You’re better than that. But you need more education if you’re going to have a real future.” She opened her enormous purse and pulled out a thick catalog. “From the University of Baltimore. You look through this, give some thought to what it is you really want to do, and I’ll help you get there. We can cut your hours back, let you attend classes, and I’ll help with tuition.”

Ellie stared at her. “Why would you do that?”

Marion threw her head back and laughed. “Louise told me that would be your reaction. I’ll tell you why, Ellie Ryan. Because the first woman I worked for did the same for me. Not a college degree, but business school, so I didn’t have to be a cook all my life. She gave me a leg up and told me to pass it on to someone else when I could. So I’m offering this to you. And when you can, you pass it on.”

Sudden tears stung Ellie’s eyes as she accepted the course catalog. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say yes.”

There, in the doorway, unheard by either of them, stood Louise. Ellie flew into her arms, hugging her tightly.

“Oh, I have missed you so much,” Ellie said, her voice muffled from somewhere in Louise’s soft bosom.

“And I’ve missed you, baby girl,” Louise said. “I’ve brought you a surprise.”

She released Ellie and stepped aside.

Ellie’s mouth fell open.

“Hi,” said Teresa.

CHAPTER 32

Teresa turned over, looking
out the windows at the nighttime Baltimore skyline from Ellie’s couch. Impatiently, she tugged at the sheet and punched the pillow.

“I told you surprising her might not be a good idea,” she could hear Bernie saying.

She closed her eyes, trying to shut out the expression on Ellie’s face once the initial shock of her unexpected appearance had faded.

Louise, apparently reading the situation, had said to Marion, “Come buy me a drink. We’ll leave these two here to catch up.”

She and Marion had left the office, pulling the door shut. Teresa had stood there awkwardly, waiting for Ellie to say something.

Ellie’s affect was completely flat as she said, “Can I get you anything? Are you hungry or thirsty?”

What did you expect, that she’d collapse into your arms?

Grudgingly, Teresa had to admit she had pictured something like that. Ellie, though, had not seemed to want to be alone with her. Rather than staying in the office to talk, she’d taken Teresa out to the bar and served her a glass of wine, handing her a menu.

“I won’t be off for a couple of hours,” Ellie said, not meeting Teresa’s eyes.

“That’s okay,” Teresa said. “I know this was unexpected. I’ll wait.”

Ellie nodded. “I have to go check on the kitchen.”

Teresa had nibbled on some steamed shrimp, trying to ignore the uneasiness in her stomach.
She doesn’t want to see you. She may not even want you to stay with her.
Teresa hadn’t considered any of those possibilities before saying she’d come with Louise.

When Louise left with Marion, Ellie had said, “My place isn’t far from here. I’ll just be a few more minutes.”

She’d seen to the closing of the restaurant, and left the kitchen crew to clean up. “Ready?”

They’d gone out to Teresa’s VW. Apart from Ellie’s directions, it was a silent ride to her apartment. She went to shower while Teresa sat on the couch with KC.

“At least you’re happy to see me,” Teresa had whispered as KC rubbed all over her, purring loudly.

When Ellie came out, smelling clean, her hair still damp, she’d sat on the far end of the couch from Teresa, her legs drawn to her chest. “How are you? I mean, the last time I saw you, you were…”

“I was still kind of a mess.” Teresa nodded. “I’m better now. It took a while.”

“Are you still living with Rob and Karen?”

“No,” Teresa said. “Rob helped me find a house to rent. I’m back working at the Bloomfield store.”

Ellie seemed surprised as she took that information in. “Working with your mother?”

“Yes, but it’s different now. I have more of a life of my own. It’s different.”

Ellie searched Teresa’s face, her eyes wary. Suddenly, she asked, “Why are you here?”

It was Teresa’s turn to gape. She’d not expected any of this. In her imaginings, everything would be forgiven as soon as she showed up.
You are such an idiot.
“I miss you,” she said at last.

Ellie’s eyes were hard. “It’s been almost four months. Almost four months since I stood in front of you, telling you I loved you and practically begging you to go away with me. You turned away. Do you remember that?”

Miserably, Teresa nodded. “I know. I was still so angry—at you, at the bastards who attacked me, at the world basically. I wasn’t ready to let anyone close again.”

Ellie watched her, but said nothing for long seconds. “And now you are?” Without waiting for an answer, she continued, “But now, I’ve moved on. I’m making a new life for myself. I… I’ve met someone.”

Teresa stared at this admission. This was one thing she had absolutely not been prepared to hear. Not for one second over these past months had she thought of being with someone else. She wasn’t with Ellie, but she’d not had any desire to find someone new.
But Ellie has.

“Oh.”

She turned away from Ellie, facing the windows. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry to have barged in on you like this. It’s kind of awkward now. Louise wants to visit with Marion all weekend. And you. I can go to a hotel if you’d rather.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Ellie said, looking anywhere but at Teresa. “I’ll get some sheets and a blanket. You can sleep out here.”

Teresa pressed the sheet to her eyes now, willing herself not to cry.
You’ve got two days to get through, and then you can leave and never have to see her again. Just two days.

Ellie woke from a bit of fitful sleep just as dawn began to chase the shadows from her room. She’d lain awake most of the night, listening to the creaking of the sofa springs as Teresa tossed and turned. She was sure Teresa wasn’t sleeping, either. All night long, a circular argument had run through Ellie’s head.

She came back to you.

She came back when she was damn good and ready to come back. With no warning. Just assuming I’d be alone, waiting for her.

Well, you are alone. And what was with the “I met someone” comment?

Ellie threw her arms over her face.
It just came out. I didn’t want her to think I’ve just been sitting around wishing she’d come back to me.

But that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. Why can’t you just say so?

She couldn’t answer that. There was nothing to keep her from just going to Teresa, just going out there and kissing her and telling her how much she’d been missed. Ellie actually sat up on the side of the bed. KC sleepily raised her head to look at her. For a long moment, Ellie wavered—
just go,
said that voice—but, with an exasperated sigh, she flung herself back down on the bed and yanked the covers up to her chin.

Ellie lay there now, wondering if Teresa was awake. Giving up at last on getting any more sleep herself, she went to the bathroom and then pulled on a sweatshirt and slippers and quietly opened the bedroom door. She immediately smelled coffee. Stepping out into the living room, she saw Teresa sitting cross-legged on the sofa, her blanket over her legs, holding a cup of coffee.

“Morning,” Teresa said.

“Morning.” Ellie pointed toward the kitchen. “Be right back.” She poured herself a cup of coffee. KC trotted into the kitchen meowing for some breakfast. Ellie fed her and carried her coffee back to the living room. She curled up on the opposite end of the couch again. It seemed this distance between them—two cushions’ worth—was as impenetrable as a stone wall.

“So did you ever… I mean,” Teresa hemmed. “I just thought you would never be able to leave Pittsburgh unless you found out something definitive about Daniel.”

Ellie took a sip of her coffee before saying, “I never did. I might still have been there if not for Louise. She told me I had to stop living my life waiting for people who weren’t coming back.”

“Like me.”

Ellie didn’t respond.

Teresa shifted on the sofa. “I am so sorry…” she said. “About everything that happened.”

“So am I.” Ellie shook her head. “I never meant for you to get hurt. It was so horrible, not being able to come to you, and then, when I did…”

“I know.” Teresa frowned at her coffee cup. “I wanted you to hurt. I couldn’t admit that to myself for a long time. All those times you went out, wandering around, never worrying, never afraid. It felt like—” She stopped.

“What? It felt like what?” Ellie leaned forward.

Teresa met her gaze. “It felt like you never had to face any consequences for your actions. It felt like I paid instead.”

Ellie watched her. “I think, in some ways, I paid through you. I can’t imagine how terrifying that must have been for you, but the guilt of knowing you were lying there because of me was terrible.”

Teresa closed her eyes. “I hated those men. I’ve never felt anything so… so toxic. It poisoned me. For a long time.”

Her eyes opened, and, just for a moment, Ellie could see a hardness in Teresa’s gaze. It only lasted an instant, and then Teresa’s eyes were soft again—the way she’d drawn them.

“You blamed me,” Ellie said. “You wanted me to feel what you felt.”

Teresa nodded.

They sat in silence for a long time, each lost in her thoughts.

“Are you really seeing someone else?” Teresa asked as if the words were being dragged out of her.

“Well, I did meet someone.” Ellie gave a little shrug. “A creepy someone.”

They both laughed a little and then lapsed into silence again.

“What now?” Teresa asked at last.

Ellie didn’t answer immediately. “I don’t know.” She glanced at the clock. “We’d better shower and eat breakfast. Marion and Louise are expecting us.”

It seemed to Teresa later that every minute of that day was burned into her memory with a kind of super clarity. Knowing it would probably be the last day she would ever spend with Ellie, she found herself paying special attention to every detail—the gleam of sunlight on Ellie’s hair as they walked the streets of Fell’s Point with Marion and Louise, the music of Ellie’s laughter at something Louise said, the way Ellie spontaneously slipped her arm through Louise’s as she pointed out some gulls squawking and squabbling over a piece of bread. Teresa followed behind, wishing it were her arm that Ellie had taken.

She tried to put aside the gut-wrenching thoughts of what it would feel like to say good-bye to her tomorrow.
Just be here with her now, today,
she kept telling herself. Her life, she knew, would never again feel complete. Perhaps it had never been complete; she simply hadn’t known what was missing until she had Ellie to love.

They toured the campus of Johns Hopkins University, and then went to the Baltimore Museum of Art, where they had lunch at the museum’s café. Local artists’ paintings hung on the walls.

Ellie asked Louise for updates on everyone at the diner. Louise filled her in.

“Patty’s still working at the diner?” Ellie asked.

“Yes,” Louise said. “And I’m taking it easier. I know that’s your next question.”

Ellie smiled. “I just want to make sure you’ll be around a good, long time.”

After lunch, Marion drove them back to the Inner Harbor, where she and Louise decided to settle on a bench and catch up on family news while Teresa and Ellie wandered around.

“Any news with your family?” Ellie asked.

“Well, there’s going to be a new addition to Robbie and Karen’s family,” Teresa said with a smile.

“Really?” Ellie reached out and grasped Teresa’s arm.

Startled, Teresa looked down, and Ellie withdrew as if she’d been stung, her cheeks burning furiously. “It’s a golden retriever puppy.” Teresa still felt the warmth where Ellie had touched her. “They enjoyed having Lucy there so much, they decided to get a puppy. They’re four weeks old now, so they have wait a month before she’ll be ready to take home.”

“You’re kidding,” Ellie said. “No one in your family has a dog.”

“I know.” Teresa wished with all her heart she were brave enough to take Ellie’s hand. She twitched in her direction, but pulled back, slipping her hand into her jacket pocket. “My mother had plenty to say about it, but you know Rob. He got over that a long time ago.”

“Too bad you couldn’t.”

Ellie didn’t say it, but Teresa could hear the words as clearly as if Ellie had shouted them.

She walked on. Ellie followed. “Bernie asked me to say hello,” Teresa said.

Ellie smiled. “More likely she told you to ask me what the hell I’m doing in Baltimore.”

Teresa chuckled. “Well, that kind of was her reaction when I told her where you were.”

“You ever see Sullivan?”

“Not since…” She paused. “Thank you for the calligraphy.”

Ellie stood watching the historic boats bobbing at the dock. Teresa stood beside her, wondering what she could say or do to fix things between them. Searching for something, anything, to fill the void, Teresa said, “I heard Marion saying something last night about you attending classes. Are you going to?”

Ellie shrugged, walking along the dock. “I had never thought of myself as being able to go to college. Not since before Mom died.”

“What did you want to be when you were little?”

Ellie smiled. “You mean, after I decided I couldn’t be Jo March? I thought I’d probably end up being a teacher, like Mom.”