Read Catfish and Mandala Online
Authors: Andrew X. Pham
Catfish and Mandala (38 page)
Viet-Kieu
The closer I come to Nha Trang the more frequently I see group tours busing to local points of interest. The locals are familiar with the tourist traffic and don't shout
“Oy! Oy!”
at foreigners. The main road loops around a mountain and enters the outskirts of the city from the south side. There is a shortcut, some high school kids point out to me, up the mountain and along the cliff. It's a good sporting ride, they say I'm about to bag 120 miles today and have no wish to climb a mountain. I come into the city the easy way.
“Oy! Oy!”
at foreigners. The main road loops around a mountain and enters the outskirts of the city from the south side. There is a shortcut, some high school kids point out to me, up the mountain and along the cliff. It's a good sporting ride, they say I'm about to bag 120 miles today and have no wish to climb a mountain. I come into the city the easy way.
Although the outlying area is a mirror image of all the other dusty little towns, the city center is far more developed than anything I've seen. I limp the battered bike through town, heading toward the water where the locals have told me there is lodging. Shady lanes unroll between banks of sprawling buildings set back behind brick fences. There's a nice flavor here predating the Liberation of'75. I was just a kid then, but I remember Mom being very hip with her bellbottoms and buggy sunglasses. She must have wasted scores of film rolls in Nha Trang, her favorite city. The breeze is fresh, sweet, not salty like Phan Thiet. Out on the beachfront boulevard, I am suddenly in Waikiki! Someone has ripped it out of Hawaii and dropped it in downtown Nha Trang. A colossal skeleton of the Outrigger
Hotel is being framed on the beach practically in the surf line. Tall, gleaming towers of glass and steel are already taking residence a stone's throw from the water. The sandy stretch of beach is jammed with fancy restaurants, bars hopping with modern rock, jazz, and Vietnamese pop. Aromas of grilled food turn heads and sharpen appetites. Along the avenue, fat Europeans and Australians pad about in thong bikinis, sheer sarongs, and Lycra shorts, dropping wads of dollars for seashells, corals, lacquered jewelry boxes, and bad paintings, loot, mementos, evidence.
Hotel is being framed on the beach practically in the surf line. Tall, gleaming towers of glass and steel are already taking residence a stone's throw from the water. The sandy stretch of beach is jammed with fancy restaurants, bars hopping with modern rock, jazz, and Vietnamese pop. Aromas of grilled food turn heads and sharpen appetites. Along the avenue, fat Europeans and Australians pad about in thong bikinis, sheer sarongs, and Lycra shorts, dropping wads of dollars for seashells, corals, lacquered jewelry boxes, and bad paintings, loot, mementos, evidence.
I take the cheapest room available to a Viet-kieu at a government-run hotel (for some reason, Danes and Germans get lower rates), jump through a cold shower, then get back on my bike to head to the Vietnamese part of Nha Trang, where the food is cheaper and better. I am ravenous. Diarrhea be damned. Tonight I'm going to eat anything I want. After nearly three months of sporadic intestinal troubles, I'm still hoping that my system will acclimatize. I'm Vietnamese after all, and these microorganisms once thrived in my gut as thoroughly as in any Vietnamese here.
I eat dinner at an alley diner, nine tables crammed between two buildings lit with a couple of bare light bulbs. The family running the place says they are happy to have me, although they generally don't like foreigners. Eat too little, drink too little, but talk too much, they complain. Foreigners like to sit and sit and talk. Vietnamese eat and get out. Lounging is done in coffeehouses and beer halls. No problem. I prove to them I'm Vietnamese. I down two large bottles of Chinese beer and gorge myself on a monstrous meal of grilled meat served with a soy-and-pork-fat gravy, wrapping the meat in rice paper, cucumber, mint, pickled daikon, sour carrot, fresh basil, lettuce, chili pepper, cilantro, and rice vermicelli. Then I clear out quickly. I go to a hotel to check on a friend who might be in town. As a tour guide, he is a regular at the hotel. The concierge confirms that my friend Cuong and his tour are in town. I leave him a note and wait for him at an icecream parlor down the street.
“Hello! Andrew!”
“Cuong!”
I met him a few weeks after I arrived in Saigon. We bummed around the city several times with his girlfriends. I like him. We both agreed to check on each other when in Nha Trang or Vung Tau, both major cities on his itinerary.
He skips across the street, penny-loafing around the dog shit as he dodges motorbikes. Cuong doesn't wear sandals. No more. Not ever again. He told me, You can tell a Vietnamese by the way he wears his sandals. Is the stem firmly held between the toes? Or does the ball of the heel drag beyond the sandal? Do the sandals flap like loose tongues when he walks? Does he know there is mud between his toes? All this from a man whoâin his own wordsâ
“dribbled away [his] youth as a roadside petrol-boy selling gasoline out of glass bottles, wiping down motorbikes, hustling for dimes, and playing barefoot soccer in the dirt.”
“dribbled away [his] youth as a roadside petrol-boy selling gasoline out of glass bottles, wiping down motorbikes, hustling for dimes, and playing barefoot soccer in the dirt.”
He smoothes his shirt, fingers the ironed pleats of his gray slacks, straightens his pin-striped blue tie with red polka dots. Then, grinning, he steps closer and pumps my hand enthusiastically. “Calvin,” he corrects me. “I'm sticking with your suggestion: Calvin. It's easier for the foreigners to pronounce.” I'd come up with the name at his request. He wanted something that started with a “C” and was short and sharp and American.
“You made it! You're not hurt? No?” he says, patting me on the arm and looking me over. “A little thinner and darker, yes. Incredible. You biked all that way? Yes, yes, of course you did.”
“You got my message?”
“Of course. May I join you?” he queries, forever the Vietnamese gentleman. I fill him in on all that happened since I last saw him nearly two months ago. When a waitress brings him his chilled Cokeâno ice, just like the way foreigners drink their sodaâhe thanks her. She looks at him, a little startled to hear a Vietnamese man uttering platitudes like Westerners. Calvin has picked up the habit because he finds it more genteel and civilized.
I first made his acquaintance at a sidewalk café. He took me for a Japanese and wanted to practice his English. When I told him I was a Vietnamese from California, he was very uncomfortable using the term Viet-kieu, explaining that people said it with too many connotations.
Sometimes, it was just a word, other times an insult or a term of segregation.
“Vietnamese are Vietnamese if they believe they are,”
he had said by way of explanation, and I liked him on the instant.
Sometimes, it was just a word, other times an insult or a term of segregation.
“Vietnamese are Vietnamese if they believe they are,”
he had said by way of explanation, and I liked him on the instant.
By Saigon standards, Calvin is a yuppie who came into his own by the most romantic way possibleâby the compulsion of a promise made to his mother on her deathbed. One afternoon, when we were touring the outer districts of Saigon on his motorbike, Calvin pointed to a pack of greyhound-lean young men, shirtless, volleying a plastic bird back and forth with their feet.
“That was me. That's how I was until I was twenty-two. Can you believe it? I threw away all my young years
,
working odd jobs and messing around. I just didn't care.”
His mother bequeathed him, her only child, a small sum, which he spent on English classes, not bothering to finish up high school. With what little remained, he bribed his way into a job as a hotel bellhop and worked his way up. He entered a special school for tour guides. After three years of intense training, he makes four hundred dollars a month plus two hundred in tips. Now, twenty-nine, single, and rich even by Saigon standards, he fares better than college grads who are blessed if they can command two hundred dollars a month. His biggest regret:
“I wish my mother could see me now.”
“That was me. That's how I was until I was twenty-two. Can you believe it? I threw away all my young years
,
working odd jobs and messing around. I just didn't care.”
His mother bequeathed him, her only child, a small sum, which he spent on English classes, not bothering to finish up high school. With what little remained, he bribed his way into a job as a hotel bellhop and worked his way up. He entered a special school for tour guides. After three years of intense training, he makes four hundred dollars a month plus two hundred in tips. Now, twenty-nine, single, and rich even by Saigon standards, he fares better than college grads who are blessed if they can command two hundred dollars a month. His biggest regret:
“I wish my mother could see me now.”
Calvin sips his Coke and plucks a pack of Marlboros from his shirt pocket, the American cigarette one of his main props for marking himself one of the upwardly mobile. “I'm down to half a pack a day,” he mumbles apologetically, offering me a smoke. I decline. He puts his cigarette down saying: “Dirty, dirty Vietnamese habit.” Calvin keeps a list of “dirty Vietnamese habits” and steels himself against them.
I tell him that Americans used to call cigarettes “white slavers.” He considers that for a moment then smirks.
“That has a double meaning for us, doesn't it.”
He counts the cigarettes remaining in the pack.
“Last one today,”
he announces. He seems to want my approval so I nod. Vindicated, he ignites the last of his daily nicotine allowance. He sighs the smoke downwind.
“Tell me. Tell me everything about your trip.”
“That has a double meaning for us, doesn't it.”
He counts the cigarettes remaining in the pack.
“Last one today,”
he announces. He seems to want my approval so I nod. Vindicated, he ignites the last of his daily nicotine allowance. He sighs the smoke downwind.
“Tell me. Tell me everything about your trip.”
As I recount the events since I last saw him, Calvin grows increasingly excited, digging me more for the details of Vietnam than for the actual mechanics of bike touring. How did the police treat you?
Hanoi people are more formal than Southerners, aren't they? You think Uncle Ho's body is a hoax? What's the countryside like? Is it pretty like the Southern country? He flames another cigarette and orders us a round of beer. By our third round, he has chain-smoked into a second pack of Marlboros.
Hanoi people are more formal than Southerners, aren't they? You think Uncle Ho's body is a hoax? What's the countryside like? Is it pretty like the Southern country? He flames another cigarette and orders us a round of beer. By our third round, he has chain-smoked into a second pack of Marlboros.
Late in the night, when I am sapped of tales from the road, Calvin, who is beer-fogged, leans back in his chair and asks,
“America is like a dream, isn't it?”
“America is like a dream, isn't it?”
After all I've seen, I agree.
“Sure.”
“Sure.”
We contemplate the beer in our glasses. I ask him,
“Do you want to go there?”
I don't know why I ask him this. Maybe, believing that he is my equivalent in Vietnam, I want him to say he really loves the country and that it is magical, wonderful in ways I have yet to imagine. More powerful, more potent than the West.
“Do you want to go there?”
I don't know why I ask him this. Maybe, believing that he is my equivalent in Vietnam, I want him to say he really loves the country and that it is magical, wonderful in ways I have yet to imagine. More powerful, more potent than the West.
Calvin sounds annoyed.
“Of course. Who wouldn't?”
He pauses, taking long, pensive drags on his cigarette.
“But perhaps only to visit. To see
,
understand-no?”
“Of course. Who wouldn't?”
He pauses, taking long, pensive drags on his cigarette.
“But perhaps only to visit. To see
,
understand-no?”
“Why?”
“Simple. Here ⦠here, I am a king.”
He leans over the table, shaking the cigarette at me.
“In
A
merica you, I mean all you Viet-kieu, are guests. And guests don't have the same rights as hosts.
” He sits back, legs crossed at the knees, and throws a proprietary arm over the city.
“At least, here, I am king. I belong. I am better than most Vietnamese.”
He leans over the table, shaking the cigarette at me.
“In
A
merica you, I mean all you Viet-kieu, are guests. And guests don't have the same rights as hosts.
” He sits back, legs crossed at the knees, and throws a proprietary arm over the city.
“At least, here, I am king. I belong. I am better than most Vietnamese.”
“No, we're not guests. We're citizens. Permanent. Ideally we are all equal. Equal rights,”
I insert lamely, the words, recalled from elementary school history lessons, sounding hollow.
I insert lamely, the words, recalled from elementary school history lessons, sounding hollow.
“Right, but do you FEEL like an American? Do you?”
Yes! Yes! Yes, I do. I really do, I want to shout it in his face. Already, the urge leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
“Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I feel like I am a real American.”
“Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I feel like I am a real American.”
I wish I could tell him. I don't mind forgetting who I am, but I know he wouldn't understand. I don't mind being looked at or treated just like another American, a white American. No, I don't mind at all. I want it. I like it. Yet every so often when I become really good at tricking myself, there is always that inevitable slap that shocks me out of my shell and prompts me to reassess everything.
How could I tell him my shame? How could I tell him about the drive-bys where some red-faced white would stick his head out of his truck, giving me the finger and screaming, “Go home, Chink!” Could I tell him it chilled me to wonder what would happen if my protagonist knew I was Vietnamese? What if his father had died in Vietnam? What if he was a Vietnam vet? Could I tell Calvin about the time my Vietnamese friends and I dined in a posh restaurant in Laguna Beach in Southern California? A white man at the next table, glaring at us, grumbled to his wife, “They took over Santa Ana. And now they're here. This whole state is going to hell.” They was us Vietnamese. Santa Ana was now America's Little Saigon.
Could I tell Calvin I was initiated into the American heaven during my first week Stateside by eight black kids who pulverized me in the restroom, calling me Viet Cong? No. I grew up fighting blacks, whites, and Chicanos. The whites beat up the blacks. The blacks beat up the Chicanos. And everybody beat up the Chinaman whether or not he was really an ethnic Chinese. These new Vietnamese kids were easy pickings, small, bookish, passive, and not fluent in English.
So, we congregate in Little Saigons, we hide out in Chinatowns and Japantowns, blending in. We huddle together, surrounding ourselves with the material wealth of America, and wave our star-spangled banners, shouting: “We're Americans. We love America.”
I cannot bring myself to confront my antagonists. Cannot always claim my rights as a naturalized citizen. Cannot, for the same reason, resist the veterans' pleas for money outside grocery stores. Cannot armor myself against the pangs of guilt at every homeless man wearing army fatigues. Sown deep in me is a seed of discomfort. Maybe shame. I see that we Vietnamese Americans don't talk about our history. Although we often pretend to be modest and humble as we preen our successful immigrant stories, we rarely admit even to ourselves the circumstances and the cost of our being here. We elude it all like a petty theft committed ages ago. When convenient, we take it as restitution for what happened to Vietnam.
Calvin senses my discomfort. It is his talent, a marked skill of his trade. He looks away, reaching for yet another cigarette to cover the silence I opened. He asks me the one question that Vietnamese
throughout Vietnam have tried to broach obliquely:
“Do they look down on Vietnamese in America? Do they hate you?”
throughout Vietnam have tried to broach obliquely:
“Do they look down on Vietnamese in America? Do they hate you?”
I don't want to dwell on that. Vietnamese believe that white Americans are to Viet-kieu as Viet-kieu are to Vietnamese, each one a level above the next, respectively. And, somehow, this shames me, maybe because I cannot convince myself that it is entirely true or false. I divert the thrust and ask him,
“You are Westernized. You know how different foreigners are from Vietnamese. How do you feel showing them around the country?”
“You are Westernized. You know how different foreigners are from Vietnamese. How do you feel showing them around the country?”
“I like the work. Many of them are very nice. Curious about our culture. I like the Australians most. Rowdy and lots of trouble, but they respect Vietnamese.”
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