Chances & Choices (27 page)

"He probably thought it was time he married again and she arrived back at the opportune moment."

Her companion sounded doubtful, bless her.  "I don't think so, I think he cares for her and he didn't have to marry again."

The other woman snorted in a very unladylike fashion.
 It fitted Claire's picture of her.  She suffered for her thoughts when the woman's next words twisted a knife in her heart.

"Oh, he's fond of her, but he's certainly not crazy for her - she's not Susanna.
 I happen to know he's in San Francisco right now, without her and they've only been married a couple of months!  Do you imagine he would ever have left Susanna behind if he didn't have to."  There was a pause and then.  "And of course he had to marry again, he wants children.  He dotes on the Saunders’s brats.  Claire's strong and healthy, unlike Susanna was.  She'll be able to give him what he wants."

Claire didn't wait to hear the reply to this.
 Throwing some money down on the table to cover her meal, she left the restaurant.  As she reached her apartment block, she hesitated; she didn't feel like going up there and facing her fears alone.  For the first time in her life, Claire regretted she did not have a big family she could go to now and have their love envelop her.  Julian had always been her confidant, her rock in times of trouble - she had no one else now her trouble was him.

Was she really so alone?
 Relief flooded her when it occurred to her that perhaps there was someone else.  She left the building, got in her car, and drove to Andrea's house.  On the way, she re-hashed the incident the woman's comments about children had evoked.

It was the Friday morning: the morning after the ill-fated party.
 She had been in her bath room when she heard his voice.  His words had been muffled and she had gone to the door and asked him to repeat his question.  She never did find out what it was, because his voice trailed off immediately as his eyes fell on the small flat case she held in her hand.

He took it from her, opening it.
 When he saw the contents, his face took on the emotionless expression Claire had come to realise masked his true feelings.  It didn't matter this time, she could feel his anger radiating towards her.

"I didn't know you were on the pill."

"Yes, my New York doctor prescribed it when I was having problems with my cycle."

He snapped the case shut, but he didn't hand it back to her, instead he began tapping it against his other hand in a gesture that revealed his true feelings even if his face and voice did not.

"I seem to remember a report you did in college on these things.  You gathered some interesting statistics.  Have you found since those statistics were wrong, or have circumstances merely caused you to relax your concerns?"

Trust him to remember the report.
 It annoyed her, especially in light of her own doubts when her doctor had prescribed them.  She gave him the explanation the doctor had given her.

"There have been a number of very significant improvements in past years.
 Many studies show beneficial side effects, resistance to infections, for instance."

Julian was not impressed.
 "I see, so you no longer have any qualms about being used as a human guinea pig.  Was that the term you used?"

Claire could hardly believe it, it was exactly the term she used.
 She had been very proud of that report and she remembered practically every word.  She had found documentation where the daughters of women who had used one particular prescription in the sixties and seventies had developed cervical cancer.  It had been removed from the market and her prescription was part of one of the many more favourable studies.  But it was amazing he remembered.  Did he store everything he heard or read for future reference?

"I had to do something."

"How long did the doctor suggest you stay on it?"

"Until I was alright."

"You're not having problems now, are you?"

She shook her head.
 "No."

He gave his hand one final tap and then sent the case flying in the direction of her dresser, where it landed unerringly in the wastebasket at the side.
 Claire stared.

"What do you think you're doing?
 You don't have any right to do that."

"If you're not having problems; you don't need them."

She objected more to his high-handed behaviour than to his logic, but she attempted to keep her own arguments rational.

"It could start all over again. What do you suggest I do then?"

"Go to your doctor here and have her take care of you."

He turned around then, as if to close the subject, but her next words made him turn back.

"I don't want to take the risk of getting pregnant, right now."

"I see.
 I suppose we should have discussed it, but I want children and I assumed you would as well."

"I do, but not right now.
 We've only been married a month and I have my career to think of."

Claire knew she was close to babbling.
 She hadn't thought about it, but she didn't want a baby now and not for the reasons she stated.  Her career was perfect for raising children, she could easily freelance if she decided to stay home with a baby.  How could she explain to him that she didn't want to share him with a child when she suspected she was already sharing him with a memory?

"You really feel strongly about waiting?"

She nodded.

"Alright.
 I trust I can hope you'll change your mind in the future.  You won't decide you don't want any children at all."

Her eyes flew up to his attempting to reassure him.
 "No.  I definitely want children, just not right now."

She knew she could never deny him anything he wanted so much.
 And she did want children, especially their children, but not while there was still this distance between them.

"Okay."
 His eyes looked in the direction of the wastebasket.  "There are other methods.  I'll take care of it."

She hadn't continued the discussion any further.
 Since then she'd had no opportunity to find out if he meant what he said.  But that was not why she was disturbed; she did not suspect him of underhand motives.  Claire might doubt the depths of his love, but she had no similar doubts about his integrity.

What bothered her was the possibility that the woman in the restaurant might be right; that he had married her because he wanted children.
 The incident made her wonder if she was mistaken in believing his withdrawal from her was because he was afraid to become too involved with her and betray his love for Susanna.

Maybe she was overestimating herself.
 Maybe she had no hope of inspiring a deep love in him.  His withdrawal could just be attributed to a combination of a preoccupation with his new line and the fact that she didn't want to have a baby right away.

But he'd said he loved her.
 Claire was confident he did...if only up to a point.  Why had she eaten at that restaurant?  Why did all these things have to come up complicating matters and confusing her?

To Claire's relief Andrea was home.
 She had half-expected to find Marcie and the two boys visiting their grandparents, but Andrea responded negatively when Claire asked.  "No. Stephen and I prefer to spend our Saturdays quietly."

"Oh, if I'm disturbing you..."

Andrea put her arm around Claire's waist and drew her into the house.  "Don't be silly.  You're not three, scampering, noisy, children.  They're adorable, but exhausting.  I am surprised to see you though, I thought you and Julian were in San Francisco.

Claire was glad to hear Andrea’s reassurance; she would have hated to intrude.
 "No.  He went alone.  I stayed to sort out my apartment."

"Are you selling it?"

Claire shook her head, explaining she was leasing it.  They discussed the various merits of both alternatives, as Claire followed Andrea to her sunny kitchen.  Through the window, Claire could see Stephen bent over roses.

"Coffee?"

"Yes, please."

They sat at different sides of the breakfast bar, after Andrea poured them coffee from her ever-ready pot.

"This is nice.  I'm glad you came over, Claire.  We never seem to have time alone together.  I'm not your generation, but I hope you feel you can think of me as a friend."

The words were so exactly what Claire wanted to hear that she could feel a lump in her throat and she blurted out.
 "Andrea, why do you think Julian married me?"

Andrea looked startled, but answered her immediately.
 "Why, because he loves you, why else?"

This was just the opening Claire needed, and she found herself pouring out all her suspicions and the incidents that caused them.
 She felt a little embarrassed once she'd finished; Andrea probably didn't want to hear all this.  However, Andrea patted her hand in a very motherly gesture and said.

"I'm glad you came to me.
 I like to think next to you, I know Julian best."

Claire sniffed.
 "Perhaps better, you knew him when he was married to Susanna."

"Yes, Susanna was one of my closest friends, but you're his wife now, and you and Julian were practically inseparable for years."
 Her face took on a nostalgic expression.  "Introducing you two was one of my better accomplishments.  Not that I thought for a moment you would fall in love.  I just thought you would be a comfort to each other, grieving as you both were.  It wasn't long before I realised how well-suited you were, and I did begin to hope then.  It took Julian almost four years, and you almost twice as long, but you did fall in love."  She raised her coffee mug, but brought it back down again at Claire's startled look.  “Didn't he tell you?"

Claire found her voice.
 "I know he was attracted to me, but I don't think he's loved me that long."

"He admitted it to me before you went to New York.
 I thought he was crazy to let you go - you could have met someone there and got married.  He said you were too young.  I disagreed at first, but I decided later he might be right; you had your career to think of.  So I accepted his reasons, but now, I wonder if he might have had more personal ones."

Claire picked up on her assertion that she could have married someone else.
  "I almost did.  Well, maybe not married, but I did get pretty involved with someone."

"Really, anyone I've met?"

Claire told her.  Andrea's eyes widened.

"You naughty girl.
 Does Julian know you took him to the party?"

Claire nodded.

Andrea leaned closer.  "He must have been furious!"

Claire regretted mentioning the subject of Richard.
 She had omitted the events of that night deliberately and she had no intention of going into them now.

"Not really.
 Julian doesn't get furious."

Andrea took a sip of her coffee and grimaced.
 "It's cold.  You haven't touched yours either.  I'll get us some more."

As she emptied and refilled their mugs, she continued the subject Claire wanted to avoid.
 "I'm surprised to hear that.  He was terrifically possessive of Susanna at first.  And he does so get furious.  He has a terrible temper.  You should have seen him sometimes and she never gave him a reason like you did."

This information surprised Claire, but she didn't contradict Andrea; she must know what she was talking about.

“They were very happy, but no couple have the perfect marriage, and I know she used to feel insulted by his jealousy.  He got over it once he became more confident of her, but it was a real problem for a while.  You know, I can almost see her sitting in that spot you're in now - so indignant.”

"It's so ridiculous, Andrea," she'd say, "as if I'd even look at another man when I have Julian.”
 Andrea shook her head and smiled reminiscently.  “It was true you know, she had eyes only for him."

Claire looked down at her hands.
 It was strange to feel kinship with a woman who was dead, but she knew exactly how Susanna had felt.  Ever since the night she had realised how deeply she loved Julian she hadn't even looked at another man, Richard included.  However, Andrea misinterpreted her silence.

"Oh dear. I'm not helping much, am I?
 But I can't help thinking you're wrong.  I'm sure he doesn't still love Susanna.  He still cherishes her memory, which is only natural, but he loves you.  He was younger then; he probably realised you took Richard in a fit of pique and accepted it as such.  That's a sign of his maturity, not lack of love."

She passed Claire her coffee, and urged her to drink it.
 Claire did so and then replied.

"You're probably right about that incident, but as for how much he loves me..."
 She shook her head.  "I agree controlling one's emotions is a sign of maturity, but not as much as he does, Andrea.  Not to the point of repression.  He may have a terrible temper, but I've never seen it.  And as you say, I've given him good reason.  He curbs his temper, just like everything else, and I wish I knew why.  It's unnatural."  She elaborated on her argument, betraying a confidence she never would have in a less emotional state.  "He didn't make love to me completely until after we were married.  He planned it that way."