Changes (41 page)

“Now what?” The remark didn't miss its mark.

“Nothing. She just resents our being here. I expected that.”

“And you don't think your daughters resent me? You're crazy if you think they don't. They're used to having a hundred percent of your time, and every time we close our bedroom door now, they get pissed off.”

“I can't help that, any more than you can change Pam. They all need time to adjust, but Jess and Val have had the biggest change in their lives.”

“The hell they did. Pam lost her mom.”

“I' m sorry.” There was no talking about it with him, or touching the sacred subject of Anne. Mel had noticed that a few of Anne's pictures had gone back up, but she hadn't brought up the subject again, and her portrait was still in the hall.

“So am I.”

“No, you're not.” Mel wouldn't let the argument die, which was not wise. “You expect us to make all the adjustments around here.”

“Is that right? Well, just exactly what do you think I ought to do? Move to New York?”

“No.” She looked him straight in the eye. “Move to a new house.”

“That's absurd.”

“No, it's not, but changes scare you to death. When I came along, you were still sitting around with everything the same, waiting for Anne to come home. And now you've moved me into her house. It's okay for me to turn my whole life upside down, but you want everything just the way it was. And guess what? That doesn't work.”

“Maybe it's the marriage you want to move out of, Mel, and not the house.”

She stood staring at him from across the room, in total frustration and despair. “Are you ready to quit?”

He sat down heavily in his favorite chair. “Sometimes I am.” He looked up at her honestly. “Why do you want to change everything, Mel? Mrs. Hahn, the house, why can't you leave things as they are?”

“Because everything here is changed, whether you want to admit that or not. I'm not Anne, I'm me, Mel, and I want a life that's ours, not borrowed from someone else.”

“This is a new life.” But he didn't sound convinced.

“In an old house. Jess and Val and I feel like intruders here.”

“Maybe you're just looking for an excuse to go back to New York.” His face was grim, and Mel wanted to cry.

“Is that what you think?”

“Sometimes.” He was being honest with her.

“Well, let me explain something to you. I have a contract here. If you and I called it quits tonight, I'd still be stuck here for two years, like it or not. I can't go back to New York.”

“And you hate me for that.” It was a statement of his view of the facts.

“I don't hate you for anything. I love you.” She came and knelt beside his chair. “And I want this to work, but it isn't going to happen by itself. We both have to be willing to change.” She reached up and gently touched his face.

“I guess …” Tears suddenly began to fill his eyes and he turned his head away and then looked back again.” I guess I thought … we could keep a lot of things … the same …”

“I know.” She reached up and kissed him. “And I love you so much, but there's so much going on that my head spins sometimes.”

“I know.” Somehow they always found each other after the fights, but there were so many fights these days. “I should have made you sign the contract in New York, Mel. It wasn't fair to drag you out here.”

“Yes, it was.” She smiled through her own tears. “And you didn't drag me anywhere. I didn't want to stay in New York. All I wanted was to be here with you.”

“And now?” He looked frightened of what she would say.

“I'm glad we came. And in a while, it'll all fall into place.”

He took her hand then and led her gently to the bed and they made love as they had before, and Mel knew she had found him again. She didn't regret any of what she had done, but it had taken its toll, and there were pressures on all of them. She just hoped they'd all survive it, but with Peter strong at her side, she knew they would.

The only misery he couldn't seem to protect her from was at work, and in February he looked at her one night as she came home almost in tears.

“My God, if you only knew what an asshole that man is.” Paul Stevens was driving her insane. “One of these nights I'm going to kill him right on the set, when we're on the air.”

“Now that would be news.” He looked sympathetically at her. For once, things were a little quieter for him at work. “I have an idea.”

“A hit man. That's the only thing I want to hear.”

“Better than that.”

“Cement shoes.”

Peter laughed. “Let's all go skiing this weekend. It'll do everyone good. I'm not on call, and I hear the snow is great.” Mel looked wan at the thought. Just the idea of packing them all up exhausted her. “What do you think?”

“I don't know.” She hated to be a spoilsport and for once Peter was in such a good mood. She smiled at him and he put his arms around her. “Okay.” At least they'd get away from the problems in the house.

Is it a deal?”

“Yes, Doctor.” She grinned, and went upstairs to tell the kids, but she found that Val was in bed with what looked like a bad case of flu. She was deathly pale, half asleep in bed, and when Mel touched her forehead, she felt terribly hot. And Mark was sitting worriedly near her bed. It didn't look any different than the flus she had gotten so frequently in New York. She was made of much less rugged stuff than Jess. “I've got good news,” she told Mark and the twins in the girls' room. “Peter's taking us all skiing this weekend.” They all looked pleased but their reaction was subdued. Mark seemed terribly involved with Val, and Jessica seemed vague as she glanced at her twin.

“That's nice.” Val was the first to speak, but her voice sounded terribly weak.

“You okay, love?” She sat down on Val's bed, and the girl winced.

“I'm fine. Just the flu.”

Mel nodded, but she was still worried about Val. “You think you'll be okay by this weekend, Val?”

“Sure.”

Mel went down the hall then to tell Pam and Matt and then came back with some aspirin and juice for Val, and then she went back downstairs.

“Everyone pleased?”

“I think so. But Val's sick.”

“What's she got?” He looked concerned. “Should I go have a look?”

Mel smiled, but she knew her daughter better than that. “I think she'd be embarrassed if you did. It's just the flu.”

He nodded. “She'll be all right by the end of the week.”

“I still have to get her to that internist you mentioned to me.” But every time she had suggested it to Val, she had burst into tears and insisted she was fine. And when they flew to Reno at the end of the week, and piled into a van for Squaw Valley, Val still looked terribly pale, but all of her other symptoms seemed to be gone, and Mel had other worries by then. Paul Stevens had made a major scene on the set just before they went on the air the night before she left for Reno. It was becoming an agony to go to work, and she dreaded each day more, but she was determined to stick it out no matter what. But the weekends were a blessed relief now, especially this ski trip to Squaw Valley.

Peter had rented a van for them at the Reno airport, and they piled into it in high spirits, singing songs, helping each other with skis and bags. Peter stopped to kiss Mel before they climbed in the van, and the kids all hung out of the windows and hooted and cheered. Even Pam seemed in better spirits than she had been in over a month, and Val had a little color in her cheeks as they took off for Squaw Valley, and by the time they got there, everyone was laughing and joking and Mel was delighted that they had come. It would do them all good to leave L.A. and the house which was becoming such a source of contention between her and Peter.

He had found them a pleasant little condo, in a place where he and his children had stayed before. It was small but adequate for them. They slept as they had in Mexico, the girls in one room, the boys in another, and Mel and Peter in a third. And by lunchtime they were on the slopes, whooping and laughing and chasing each other down the mountain. As usual, Mark stayed close to Val, but there seemed to be less frivolity between them than there had been before, and Jess and Pam raced down the steepest trails with Matt just behind them.

At the end of their first run, Mel stopped breathlessly at the foot of the mountain and stood beside Peter as they waited for the others. It was exhilarating just to be there in the fresh mountain air, and Mel felt younger than she had in a long, long time. She looked at Peter with joy, and watched their children coming down the hill from over his shoulder.

“Aren't you glad we came up, Mel?”

She looked happily into his eyes. He was handsomer than ever, his blue eyes bright, his cheeks pink, his whole body filled with life. “You know, you make me so damn happy.”

“Do I?” He looked hopeful, he loved her so much, he had never wanted to make her unhappy, but now and then he feared that he had, just by the very fact that he had brought her west and indirectly forced her into another job. Sort of like a mail-order bride. He smiled at the thought. “I hope so. There's so much I want to do with you, and give you.”

“I know.” She understood him better than he knew. “But we have so little time. Maybe as time goes on, we'll get better at juggling it all.” But there would always be interviews, and features and news reports she had to do, and there would always be people who needed new hearts, or their old ones repaired. “At least the children will settle down.”

“I wouldn't bet on that.” He laughed as he watched the five of them zoom toward them, with Matthew bringing up the rear, but not by much. He was almost as swift as the others. “Not bad, you guys. Shall we try it one more time? Or do you want to stop for lunch now?” They had eaten on the plane, and bought sandwiches to eat in the van in Reno, but Jess was quick to speak up.

“I think Val should eat.” Mel was touched at how she still looked after her twin, and then noticed how pale the child was. She moved toward her, still on skis, and touched her forehead. She had no fever.

“You feeling okay, Val?”

“Sure, Mom.” But her eyes seemed a little vague, and on their way back up the mountain, Mel mentioned it to Peter again on the chair lift.

“I've got to get her to the doctor when we get home, no matter how much she cries and screams. I don't know why she's so dead set against going to a new doctor.”

Peter smiled as they floated through the air, past the enormous pine trees on the way up the mountain. “Two years ago I had to take Pam to her pediatrician for a checkup for school, and she ran all around the room, screaming so he couldn't give her her tetanus booster. The truth is that no matter how tall they are, or how big the boobs, they're all kids. It's easy to forget it sometimes, because they seem so sophisticated. But it's all veneer. Underneath, they're no more mature than Matthew.”

Mel smiled her agreement as their skis dangled crazily in midair. “You're right about Val, but I don't think that's true of Jessie. That kid has been an old soul from the day she was born, and she's always looked out for her sister. Sometimes I think I rely on her too much.”

Peter looked at her and spoke very gently. “Sometimes I think you do too. She's been looking upset since you got out here. Is it me, or is she jealous of Val and Mark?” She hadn't been aware of the tension emanating from Jessie like barbed wire, and Mel was surprised that he had noticed. He was amazingly perceptive, particularly considering how little he saw of them because of his long hours in the hospital and in his office.

“I think it may be a little bit of both. She's used to having me to herself more than she does now. And I've been trying to iron things out with Pam, and Matthew needs me more than the others. He's been hungry for some loving for two years.”

Peter looked hurt. “I tried.”

“I know you did. But you're not a Mommy.” She leaned over and kissed him, and they sped off the lift at the top of the mountain. It was nice having time to talk to her husband. They had too little of it in L.A., and they were both always exhausted. But here, even in a few hours, she felt as though they had made contact again. And she glanced back once or twice as they skied down the slopes, to make sure that the others were all there. She recognized them all by their color combinations and their outfits. Jessica and Val in matching yellow ski suits, Mark in black and red, Pam in red from head to toe, and Matthew in royal blue and yellow. She had worn a fur jacket and hat and black ski pants, and Peter was entirely clad in a navy stretch suit. They were a colorful bunch.

Toward the end of the afternoon, they all went inside for cups of hot chocolate, and then they went back out to the slopes. And this time the young people took a different trail from Mel and Peter, but by then Mel was confident that they were all good skiers and could take care of themselves, even Matthew, and she knew that Jessie would keep an eye on him, if Pam didn't. It was heavenly skiing beside Peter in the crisp mountain air, and on their last run they raced each other down the trail. Peter won by several yards and Mel was breathless and laughing when she joined him at last.

“You're terrific!” She gazed at him with admiration. He seemed able to tackle anything he wanted, and to do it well.

“Not anymore. I was on the ski team in college, but it's been years since I took it seriously.”

“I'm glad I only met you now. I could never have kept up.”

“You're not bad.” He smiled and swatted her behind with a leather glove, and she giggled and they kissed, and then they left the slopes and took off their skis, and waited for the kids at the bottom. It seemed a long wait, but eventually, they all came down. First Mark, then Jess, Pam, Matt, and Val in the rear this time. She seemed much slower than the others, and Jess turned back several times to watch her, as Mel narrowed her eyes and watched them.

“Is she all right?”

“Who?” He had been watching Matt. The boy was making amazing progress.

“Val.”

“Right behind Mark?” He couldn't see the color of her hair in the white woolly hat, and he had mistaken Jess for her sister.

“No, she's the last one, still a little ways up, in the same suit as Jess.” He looked and they both saw that she faltered once or twice, stumbled, caught herself, and then continued downhill, narrowly missing two skiers and flying between them. “Peter …” Instinctively Mel grabbed his arm as they watched. “Something's wrong.” But almost as she said it, Val seemed to loop crazily for a moment, regain her balance, and then she began weaving as all of them watched, and suddenly she fell just before the end of the slope, she fell sideways and her bindings released, but she lay facedown in the snow, as Mel rushed to where she lay and Peter followed. He knelt quickly beside the unconscious girl, pulled her eyelids up, looked at her eyes, felt her pulse, and looked at Mel, unable to comprehend what had happened to her.