Changing Tunes (28 page)

I do the one thing that’s completely out of character for me. I’m responsible and have had to be for four years, but right here, right now, I have no one to worry about. Lara is tucked safe and sound at home with my parents, and the one person that could give a shit is pissed at me, rightly so, too.

I reach into my phone and call the last person I ever thought I would call. I leave a cryptic message when he doesn’t answer. I hop in my truck and drive to the dive bar down from the college, and for once, decide to be irresponsible.

I take a seat at the bar, show my ID and tell the bartender to keep them coming. I’m a beer drinker, I don’t do hard shit, but I begin my wallowing.

I’m not downing them too fast, just enough to start a buzz. For shits sake, I have no desire to leave anytime soon. I have no place to go, and don’t want to get piss-ass drunk too quickly.

I don’t know how much later it is before I feel a slap on my shoulder and a body take the seat beside me.

“For you to call me, you had to have done something utterly fucking stupid.” Austin jokes.

I grunt. He has no clue.

“In fact, I would have assumed it would have been Nick you called. You two seemed to have hit it off,” he laughs.

“Quit being a jackass, man.”

He throws his arms up in mock surrender, “Okay, don’t get your boxers in a bunch.”

“Look,” I say sighing, “I called you because I know you respect and value Ashley’s friendship. I can tell that. You wouldn’t have threatened me if you didn’t.”

“Yep, that’s true. I do. She told me off the first time I hit on her.” He says laughing and his shoulders shake in remembrance.

The man inside me grows jealous, wondering if she liked it or not. If he didn’t have a girlfriend would it be different? Would she be with him? I get a grip on the jealousy that wants to come out. I don’t have time for this shit. If she wanted him, I have no doubt she’d have been with him.

He begins to tell me how they met and I’m proud my Ashley. How she handled herself, and didn’t let anyone walk all over her.

“She let my girl have it and forgave me, putting me in my place.” He shrugs his shoulders as if it’s nothing. “She and Mac are the only friends that are girls I’ve ever had. I care about them and won’t let anyone hurt them. Look, I knew when I saw you, you were hooked and wouldn’t hurt her intentionally, but just in case, I had to say it,” he laughs.

“Dick.” I spout out.

He laughs even harder, “Yes, yes I am.”

I shake my head, not being able to help it, but like the guy. I finally ask the question I’m dying for an answer to. “Have you spoken to Ashley, or seen her tonight?”

“Nah, I was dealing with my own ‘girl’ issues.” He doesn’t pull any punches when he asks, “So, what’d you do?”

“I honestly can’t say if I fucked up, or not. It’s not your ordinary situation.” I swig down my beer and turn in his direction. “Look, I have a delicate situation, and I was trying to be careful about it. I just didn’t go about it the right way.”

I spill my guts to Austin. His eyes grow wide when I mention my daughter. He seems fascinated I have a little girl, and asks me twenty questions. Some I’m able to answer, but some need to be explained to Ashley before anyone else. She deserves to hear it all first.

Austin seems completely flabbergasted when I’m finished. “Look, I don’t know what to tell you, or even what I would have done. I don’t have a kid, but…” He looks as if he going to continue, but then says, “Never mind,” shaking his head. I let it go, not wanting to push it, but sense there’s something he’s not telling.

“Look, give her time, man. It’s a lot to process.”

Time is what I’m afraid of. I’ll be here, I’m not going anywhere, but I’m afraid I’m too much for her. What if she decides she can’t trust me and can’t handle the fact I’m a dad?

Austin, still bewildered by the fact I have a daughter, asks me a couple more questions I feel okay to answer. Ashley deserves to hear the important things from me first, though. I yank my wallet out and throw a couple bills on the bar, but I also pull out a photo of Lara. I hand it over to him.

“Cute kid,” he grunts out.

“Thanks.”

I put the photo back. Austin smacks me on the shoulder, “Look, I’ll drop you off at home and then pick you up tomorrow so you can get your truck.

I nod thanks.

When I open the car door he stops me, “Look, I’ve seen the two of you together. I’m sure y’all will be fine. Just remember she needs time. She’ll be fine.”

I hope he’s right. I really do.

I’m hurt. I literally regurgitated the whole ugly mess back up to Mac. She was genuinely shocked, and I could tell she had more to say, but she stopped herself, probably realizing I was in no state of mind to listen. I haven’t spoken to him, in fact I went even further as to go to my chemistry teacher and ask for a new partner. Unfortunately, she shot me down flat, stating it was way too late in the semester to change. We would just have to work our issues out and deal with the situation. So I did what any pissed off chick would do. I texted him and said, “You do your portion, and I’ll do mine.” I know I’m real mature right?

I have this ache deep inside me that’s taken root I can’t seem to get over. It gets worse every day; feeling like a piece of me is missing. I’m ashamed to say I thought about finding a hook up, but quickly smashed that one into the ground. I can’t do that to myself. I’m different; I’m not that girl anymore. I don’t want meaningless sex. I have no doubt Mac would’ve had my ass, too, and I would have hugged her for it later.

On top of my messed up life, I can claim a small amount of good. It seems another student was witness to Forrester’s advances on me in class, and also went to the administrators.  He’s currently on leave pending an investigation. That makes me so damn happy. I wanted to hug this girl, but they aren’t able to tell me who she is.

On another shining fucktastic note, I have not heard from the Warden. Not one damn peep. It’s been almost a week and a half and nothing. If I stop and think about it, am I really that surprised? The answer is a resounding no.

Five minutes before I have to make myself walk into chemistry. I’m scared and nervous. My plan is to walk in and ignore him. That’s the plan anyway. This will be the first time I’ve seen him, since I sent him away.

He wasn’t in class last week. I was all prepared to ignore him, and was shocked when he never came in. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious or concerned, considering he takes class so seriously.

I had a feeling he wouldn’t be missing class again. That wasn’t Zeke.

I finally gather enough courage to walk my not so happy ass in. I try to walk directly to my seat; ignoring the fact the man I love is sitting right next to me. My eyes betray me, and I stare directly at him and notice a look of longing I’m sure matches my own. I pry my eyes away and sit down. Throughout the entire class I swear I can feel him. He’s so close, yet so far away. I feel his body heat and I can smell his aftershave. I keep my eyes faced forward trying hard to pay attention.

When class is finally over, I begin to gather my things as quickly as I can. I’m stopped by a hand lightly placed on my arm.

“Please, Ashley, can we talk? Not here, but somewhere else?” I can’t help the shiver that runs down my body whenever he says my name. I shrug off his hand, as much as I’d like it to stay there, as well as other places, I can’t do this right now. I walk away, just like a coward. I hear him hurrying behind me.

“Please, Ashley.”

I stop and turn, “You have two minutes.” I follow him outside to a secluded place under a tree. Like a bitch I look at my watch and act as if I’m really timing him. “Okay, begin.”

“Ashley, I love you, but you’ve got to understand my reasoning for holding the information back. Being a parent is not a drive by for me, it’s for life. Whoever I bring into her life, I need it to be for the long haul. I can’t expect anyone to take on that kind of responsibility. I needed to make sure you and I were solid first. You’re still young, and I’ve had to grow up so much faster. I can’t expect that of you, it’s not fair.”

I stand there, stunned at his admission, never having thought about it like this before. He’s right. Can I take on this kind of responsibility? It’s not a question of how much I love him. I love him with everything I am, but this isn’t just about me anymore. There’s a little girl that could be hurt if we didn’t work out. That’s always a possibility.

I look up at him and whisper, “I’m sorry. You’re right. I love you so much, but I honestly don’t know if I can be what you need me to be.” I wipe the moisture from my face, “I haven’t exactly had the best examples, and I’m sure I’d be a horrible example for your little girl.”

Zeke comes closer and tilts my head, and I’m looking directly into his gorgeous brown eyes that captivate me like no other. “Sweetheart, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You are kind and good, and you care about people.” He sighs softly, “I’m not asking you to be a mom to my daughter. I’m letting you know there’s another person involved who would be affected by our relationship.”

I know what he’s saying, but in my head, I’m questioning everything. What if I got attached, and something happened between Zeke and I that ruined our relationship? Would she think I deserted her, like I’ve felt my whole life? I could never do that to her. I know for a fact I’d get attached, she’s a part of Zeke. An epiphany hits me like a ton of bricks as I also realize I’m eighteen, almost nineteen. My father may have made my mom stay away, but when I turned eighteen, she would have had every right to contact me. To my knowledge she never has. I can’t put his little girl through that.

My mind made up, and tears streaming down my face, I back away. His hands fall away from my face and he looks confused.

“I’m sorry, I really am. I think I’ll always love you. I’ll always appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” I whisper, “I just can’t.”

I run.