Channel Blue (21 page)

In the middle of this chaos, the calm in the middle of the storm, sat Executive Executive Executive Producer Marty Firth, munching on a sliver of goat’s-cheese quiche, which both he and Vermy were enjoying immensely. This was what live television was all about, Marty mused. These were the moments that made him feel truly worthwhile.

‘Didn’t we know this guy was loose?’ the director shouted in a guttural voice, fixing Marty in the gaze of a dozen eyes. ‘How is it that we didn’t pick him up earlier? We only have 500 cameras pointed at this crapstand!’

Marty shrugged. Everyone in the company knew Nick had been fired, had shed his fly tattoo and jumped the grid. But this sort of thing happened all the time – you didn’t shut down productions because some nine-year-old former executive was out there somewhere, nursing a vendetta.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Marty said. ‘He’ll be gone by the time we come back from the commercial break. Amanda, can you take him out?’

At the Beverly Hills estate, Amanda was already trotting across the lawn towards Perry and Nick. She nodded discreetly. ‘Good girl,’ Marty said and returned with gusto to his quiche.

The latest episode of
Bunt to the Rescue
had been moving along fine until moments earlier, when a production scanner had picked up a ‘casting irregularity’ on the set. It took several seconds to identify the irregularity as a DFE – Disgruntled Former Employee.

With surprising frequency, DFEs ‘went native’, often divulging information to Earthles that caused shows to be cancelled or rescheduled. Sometimes their bitterness would lead them to establish communication with Leslie Satan and join The Movement, working to destroy the productions they once nurtured. Nick Pythagorus was now one of these.

Nick’s fall had been precipitous, even by the standards of the intergalactic entertainment business. Before satellite cameras trained their lenses on Perry Bunt in St Jude’s Shelter for the Displaced, Nick had been the wunderkind who would shepherd Earth to its ratings-grabbing ruination. But on hearing that his finale was being postponed for a second time, young Nick had lost it. While youth definitely had its advantages, self-control was not one of them. He had pitched a full-out tantrum on Marty Firth’s desk, giving Marty no recourse but to fire him and send him back to the moon with a security escort. Nick, however, had quickly slipped the guards, removed all his tracking devices and used his knowledge of Channel Blue to elude detection.

Now standing at the party next to a surprised Perry Bunt, the fired executive knew he didn’t have much time to do what he’d come for, but he loathed Perry so much that it was hard to resist a little abuse. ‘You stupid Earthle sap. You have no idea what you’re part of, do you? No idea.’

Perry stared down at the boy, unsure of how to react.
Was this part of the show?

‘This is not part of the show,’ Amanda said into his ear. Perry could see her trotting quickly towards Nick’s back, out of the boy’s view. ‘He’s not supposed to be here. Walk around him and get to Del.’ Perry tried to do as he was told, but Nick blocked his path.

‘Your girlfriend’s not being honest with you,’ he said. ‘We can wreck you if we want to because we made you.’

Perry frowned. ‘What?’

Nick exhaled, exasperated. ‘You writers are so damn stupid. I’m going to lay it out for you, OK? You and this whole planet are nothing more than—’

Amanda’s left hand clamped down on his shoulder. ‘Nicholas, you’re being a very bad boy. You know it’s nap time.’ She pulled him away from Perry, but Nick dropped down, slipping from her grasp, and ran towards the house. Amanda followed him at a brisk trot. Perry watched her go, unsure of what to do.

‘Go to Del,’ her voice rang in his ear.

Perry remained where he was, watching Nick and Amanda disappear behind well-dressed guests. What was Nick trying to warn him about? What had he said? That Amanda was lying to him, that ‘we made you’. What did it mean? Again, Amanda seemed to anticipate his thoughts. ‘He’s still upset because we ruined his plans for the finale. Now he’s trying to ruin our show. Don’t let him. Go to Del now.’

Perry took a deep breath, turned and walked towards the circle of partygoers that included Del Waddle. He found a gap between the casually dressed billionaire and a bearded man in a dinner jacket and gingerly wedged himself into it.

‘It’s really too much,’ the bearded man was saying. ‘I mean, he apparently really believes that aliens are going to destroy the Earth.’ Perry froze. What the hell was going on? Did they already know who he was and why he was here? No one was looking at him, but maybe that was part of the show – to see how he’d react.

‘What do they call it again?’ asked a mean-faced older man.

‘Buddyism,’ said the bearded man. ‘Apparently, their prophet is a homeless guy named Buddy who was taken away by the police and hasn’t been seen since.’

The older man raised his champagne glass. ‘God bless the LAPD for making more prophets than we know what to do with.’

The group laughed except for Perry. He warily took a slow step backwards when Amanda’s voice came into his ear. ‘Stay there,’ she said. ‘They’re just talking about the religion you started. It’s been in the local news. They have no idea you’re Buddy.’

‘I’m not Buddy,’ Perry muttered under his breath. ‘There is no Buddy.’

‘Quiet. They’re starting to look at you.’

Sure enough, the partygoers were casting sidelong glances in his direction. Perry smiled. ‘Buddy, huh?’ he said awkwardly. ‘That’s a good one. People sure are crazy.’ The group stared at him, nonplussed.

Del shrugged. ‘Well, if it gets people to do good, who cares what motivates them, right?’

‘Oh come on, Del,’ said an older woman with dozens of gold bracelets on one forearm that shimmered and clanged as she spoke. ‘They’re deluded! It’s just another case of religion turning people into total idiots.’

‘Opiate of the masses,’ snorted the bearded man.

‘More like the children’s cough syrup of the masses,’ the older woman said, and everyone laughed, including Perry, who probably laughed a little too hard in his effort to seem like one of the gang.

Del peered over at Perry and extended a hand. ‘Del Waddle,’ he said. ‘I don’t believe we’ve met.’

‘We haven’t,’ Perry said, shaking his hand. ‘Perry Bunt.’

‘Welcome, Perry,’ Del said.

Perry smiled nervously, his mind whirling through different approaches to becoming ‘the crazy guest’ at the party.

‘This is your opening,’ Amanda said in his ear. If there had been an earpiece or anything tangible in there, Perry would’ve torn it out and flung it to the ground. Unfortunately, he’d taken a pill back in the dressing room and had been stuck with Amanda’s voice in his head ever since.

‘Thanks for supporting Little Greenies.’ Del gestured to the small girl in his arms. ‘This is my daughter, Wynd.’ ‘Wynd’ was pronounced ‘Wind’, and although Perry couldn’t hear the ‘y’ in the girl’s name, he knew enough about Hollywood to assume it was there.

‘Hello, Wynd,’ Perry said. ‘Mr Waddle—’

‘Del,’ Del said. ‘Please.’

‘Del. I was wondering if I could have a quick word with you.’

‘OK.’

‘In private.’

‘That would be great,’ Del said, looking past Perry to someone more important at the party – namely, everyone. ‘But I have a lot of guests to say hello to. Maybe later on.’

‘I think you’ll be interested,’ Perry said. ‘It’s about saving the Earth.’ The other guests exchanged glances – Perry’s ‘crazy guest’ credentials had officially been presented. Del, however, seemed as composed as ever. He put his daughter down on the grass. She ran off, joining other children in chasing an actor dressed as an angry smokestack with a moustache. The smokestack, Captain Carbon, was an important teaching tool in the Little Greenies program.

Del watched the laughing children scamper away. ‘Well, I guess I have to hear the rest now, right?’

Perry took a breath. ‘This is going to sound crazy, but it’s absolutely true.’ He struggled to find the right words. ‘The Earth is going to be destroyed in a matter of days unless we become better people – unless we help each other more than we’ve ever helped each other before.’

Several guests rolled their eyes. ‘Hello security,’ the woman with the bracelets said in a low voice. But Del didn’t blink.

‘I’m into that,’ he said affably.

‘Would you consider giving more of your money to charity?’ Perry asked.

Del gave a folksy laugh. ‘Well, Perry, do you know how much we’re raising at this benefit? Three million dollars. And that’s going to keep the Little Greenies in greenbacks for years to come.’

‘I mean serious money,’ Perry said. ‘You have forty billion dollars. I know you give a lot to charity by normal standards, but come on. Three million? Thirty million? It’s nothing to you. You’ve got houses, planes, boats, and none of them are going to do you any good if the Earth ends.’

The guests now openly glared at Perry. The bearded man stepped between Del and Perry, lowering his large head into Perry’s face. ‘What gives you the right to be so rude to our host?’ he seethed with resplendent brie breath.

‘Now, now,’ Del said, pulling him away from Perry. ‘Maybe Perry’s right. Maybe I don’t give enough to charity. We should all give more, right?’ The group nodded noncommittally. ‘I’ll definitely give it some thought, Perry. Thank you.’ He patted Perry on the back and began to walk away. But Perry’s hand darted out and grabbed the billionaire’s arm. Del whirled around, stunned – no one had touched him like that since he’d acquired his first TV station.

No one was more surprised than Perry. He’d never been this aggressive with his most obnoxious student, much less the tenth richest man in the world. ‘It has to be now,’ Perry said. He dug the benefit invite out of his pocket. ‘Look. I spent ten thousand dollars on your benefit today. That’s 35 per cent of my annual income. Will you agree right now to give away 35 per cent of your income?’ For the first time in their interaction, Del seemed speechless. He shook his head for a moment, then laughed.

‘You know what?’ he said. ‘Let’s do it.’

‘Right now?’ Perry said.

‘Right now,’ Del said. ‘Follow me.’ Del started off towards his mansion. The bearded man put a hand on Perry but Del waved him off saying, ‘It’s fine, it’s fine.’

Perry followed the billionaire across the lawn through smiling faces that turned towards Del like flowers following the sun. Del opened a side door of the great house and gestured for Perry to enter.

Perry stepped into a vast room that defied easy classification. It appeared to be part study, part den and part games room, containing a billiard table, a widescreen TV, pinball machines and a kitchenette – in other words, it was a room that belonged to someone who had way too much money. As Del closed the door behind them, Perry studied the wall of vintage movie posters and noticed one for his favourite movie,
Casablanca
. He turned back to Del, saying, ‘Nice pos—’ and this was all he could get out before a foot slammed into his stomach. He gasped for air and crumpled to the floor.

Del kicked off his sandals and pulled his shirt off, revealing a hairless, perfectly muscled torso, the product of a full-time staff that included nutritionists, dietitians, personal trainers, martial-arts instructors and cosmetic laser technicians. He met Perry’s stunned look and said, still smiling, ‘Get ready to die, bitch.’

CHANNEL 21

A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE

Perry was naïve about multi-billionaires. When Del Waddle seemed to respond to Perry’s arguments for giving away his money and saving the world, Perry thought, with some vanity, that the rich man was in fact responding to his arguments. Amanda, however, was not so naïve. Having worked at Channel Blue for several years, during which she’d had ample time to study Earthle behaviour with some objectivity, she knew that Del was lying and became instantly concerned when he escorted Perry towards his house. She also noted that Del Waddle’s security detail, a dozen hulking former Special Forces commandos squeezed into dinner jackets for the occasion, were now shadowing Del.

She gave up her pursuit of Nick Pythagorus and turned back to Perry, who she could see walking with Del across the great lawn, a hundred yards in front of her.

‘Don’t go into the house,’ she said. ‘Stay outside with the guests.’ When Perry didn’t stop walking, she chalked it up to his usual stubbornness. ‘Stop!’ she commanded with enough urgency for the man standing at the buffet to return a second piece of red velvet cake he’d slipped onto his plate. When Perry vanished inside the mansion with Del, Amanda trotted with urgency towards the entrance. ‘Marty, what’s going on? I’ve lost contact.’

Marty sat in the control room, stirring sugar into a vanilla latte. Vermy dangled from his ear, attracted to the sweet steam that in many ways reminded it of its human host. ‘No reason for concern,’ he said. ‘I took you out of his head.’

Amanda stopped in mid-stride. ‘What?’

‘Yeah. We want him in the house.’

Amanda snapped on a pair of sunglasses. On the right lens she accessed the feed from inside the mansion, which showed Del kicking Perry in the stomach. In the left lens, Marty, with Vermy, stirred his coffee.

‘This was not in the script,’ Amanda said. ‘We did not agree to violent content.’

Marty smiled. ‘You’re too close to the material. This is what our viewers want to see.’ Amanda, on a hunch, manipulated the images in her right lens, quickly scanning through background material on Del Waddle. Because so many channels were broadcasting so much material on any given day, and no producer could possibly keep up with developments on all the different shows, Channel Blue maintained an extensive database on every Earthle. Amanda had been given the impression by Marty that this was Del Waddle’s Channel Blue debut, but she quickly saw that this wasn’t true. By examining the archives, she saw that he’d been featured in several shows, and what she saw made her accelerate her pace towards the house.

Marty watched her on one of the monitors. ‘Calm down, Amanda. Check out the ratings right now. We just passed
Nebula Sluts
.’ Amanda continued walking. ‘Did you hear me? At this moment, we’ve got the number fifteen show in the entire galaxy.’