Charlie and the War Against the Grannies (20 page)

The Stinkly Wrinklys walked off, leaving a pile of metal and rubber and plastic that used to be my bike.

They had killed Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre.

They had pinched him into little bits.

They had taken my freedom.

They had done that and then just walked off.

I had let them walk off.

I hadn't done anything.

Neither had Hils.

‘YOU JUST STOOD THERE,' I said. ‘YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING I SUPPOSE I SHOULD DO SOMETHING AS WELL BUT I DON'T EXPECT ME TO BUT I DO EXPECT YOU TO AND THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PINCH MY BIKE INTO PIECES WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN WHEN I WANT CHEESE AND BACON BALLS AND TO KICK A GOAL AGAINST HUNGER IT WILL TAKE MUCH MORE THAN 4.4 MINUTES TO GET THEM YOU JUST STOOD THERE WHILE THEY KILLED MY BIKE I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FLY AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SHOOT PEANUT BUTTER OUT OF ONE HAND AND TINY BITS OF ITCHY HAIR OUT OF THE OTHER HAND BUT NOT ALL THE TIME THAT WOULD MAKE NORMAL STUFF VERY HARD TO DO BUT I WANT TO HAVE PEANUT BUTTER AND TINY-BITS-OF-ITCHY-HAIR-SHOOTING HANDS WHEN I AM REALLY MAD AND I WANT TO SWOOP DOWN ON THOSE BIKE MURDERERS AND COVER THEM IN PEANUT BUTTER AND TINY BITS OF ITCHY HAIR AND THEY'LL BE ALL STICKY AND ITCHY AND I'LL LAUGH AND THEY'LL ITCH AND ITCH AND ITCH AND GET PEANUT BUTTER IN A WHOLE LOT OF PLACES YOU SHOULD NEVER GET PEANUT BUTTER THEN THE PEANUT BUTTER WILL GET ALL SMELLY AND THEY'LL BE SMELLY AND ITCHY AND I'LL LAUGH BUT THEY WILL PROBABLY NOT HEAR IT BECAUSE I'LL BE FLYING PAST REALLY FAST AND BECAUSE THEY'LL BE ALL SMELLY AND ITCHING LOUDLY.'

 

I was crying.

I didn't even realise I was crying until I noticed that the two bits of my shirt right under my eyes were wet.

I wasn't going to try to hide my tears. Tears were invented for this sort of situation. I don't know who the first person to ever cry was, but I bet they felt just like I felt right now. I was mad at the Stinkly Wrinklys. I was sad about Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre. I was upset with myself for thinking about covering some old ladies in peanut butter and itchy bits of hair and flying over them laughing. What if one of them was allergic to peanuts? Or hair? I shouldn't have thought that.

I looked over at Hils.

She was smiling.

‘You're smiling,' I said.

‘Affirmative.'

‘But I'm crying.'

‘The Stinkly Wrinklys have made a significant tactical error.'

‘YOU SHOULD STOP SMILING.'

‘Throughout history,' said Hils, ‘in battles between a great power and a smaller one, the greater power will commit an atrocity so horrible that instead of scaring the smaller power it makes them so mad they vow to fight to the death.'

‘I VOW TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH.'

‘The greater power believes they will win and they let down their guard,' said Hils.

‘DO YOU THINK THERE IS A CHANCE I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO FIGHT TO THE ACTUAL DEATH?'

‘This moment of weakness emboldens the smaller power.'

‘I'M NOT READY TO DIE,' I said.

‘And they strike with great ferocity.'

‘I VOW TO FIGHT UNTIL IT HURTS QUITE A BIT.'

‘In China this is called “Waking the Sleeping Dragon”.'

‘Am I the sleeping dragon?' I said.

‘Affirmative.'

‘That's cool.'

I roared like a dragon.

‘Don't do that again,' said Hils.

‘I didn't sound anything like a dragon, did I?'

‘Affirmative.'

‘Hils?' I said.

We were eating army rations in Hils's caravan.

‘How did they know?'

‘Your question does not contain enough information,' said Hils.

‘How did the Stinkly Wrinklys know where we were going to be so they could ambush us? How did they know where to find Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre? WHO TOLD THEM?'

‘I believe I know who leaked such sensitive information to our enemy,' said Hils.

It was dark. We were sitting in a bush outside Rashid's house.

‘Do you think it was Rashid who told the Stinkly Wrinklys where we'd be?' I said.

I felt bad for thinking that. Rashid
is
my second-best friend.

‘Negative,' said Hils. ‘I think it was you.'

‘WHAT.'

‘Maintain radio silence. I don't think you did it on purpose.'

‘I didn't do it at all,' I said.

‘Loose lips sink ships,' said Hils.

‘I don't know anyone with a ship,' I said.

‘It's from World War Two. It means you should always be careful who you say important things in front of because they could be the enemy.'

‘My cousin has a canoe,' I said.

‘Whenever you visit Rashid, who else is always in the room?' said Hils.

Just then Rashid's back door opened and out stepped Bubu.

‘Rashid's grandmother,' I said.

‘Affirmative.'

‘But she doesn't speak any English.'

‘Maybe she hears English though,' said Hils.

‘Hils? Did you know there is an Olympic Games for old people?' I said.

‘Affirmative.'

‘It's called the Oldlympics.'

‘Negative. It's called the Masters Games.'

‘You're probably right,' I said. ‘Oldlympics is a much better name though.'

‘Much better,' said Hils.

‘I think Rashid's Bubu . . .'

‘Stinkly Wrinkly,' said Hils.

‘I think Rashid's Stinkly Bubu should enter the Oldlympics. She can walk really fast.'

We'd been following Rashid's Stinkly Bubu for about half an hour. We'd walked a long way. I was getting tired. Hils didn't seem to be getting tired. Neither did Stinkly Bubu.

Suddenly Hils stopped.

Stinkly Bubu had stopped. At a bus stop.

‘I hope she doesn't get on a bus,' I said. ‘How will we follow her then?'

‘Buses cease operating along this route after 19:58 hours. It's currently 20:14 hours. She will not be getting on a bus.'

Stinkly Bubu sat down at the bus stop.

Hils and I quickly hid behind a wheelie bin someone had forgotten to bring in off their nature strip. We could see Stinkly Bubu but she couldn't see us.

‘Maybe she thinks there's a bus,' I said.

‘Negative.'

Then they arrived. Mrs Cyclopolos and The Skrink.

They sat down next to Stinkly Bubu.

They started talking.

I felt angry again. I felt heat rising up my body. This must be what a volcano feels just before it's about to erupt. I wished I was a volcano. Well, half-boy and half-volcano. I'd run over to the bus stop and erupt really, very, super-unbelievably hot lava all over those three Stinkly Wrinkly bike murderers. I wanted to see the look of horror on their faces as they realised the last thing they would ever see was a really, very, super angry half-boy half-volcano. I would show them no mercy. We half-boy half-volcanoes aren't known for showing mercy.

‘I have gathered enough intelligence,' said Hils. ‘Time we evac-ed.'

In the army ‘evac-ed' means, ‘Get out from behind the wheelie bin and go home'.

‘I was thinking of becoming a half-boy half-volcano and vaporising them all with incredibly hot lava,' I said.

‘I also have a plan,' said Hils.

‘We cannot simply put aside important affairs of state to counsel you whenever you desire.'

Hils never called and made an appointment to visit Rashid.

‘Our matter is extremely time sensitive,' said Hils.

‘Wait here. We shall have the meeting room made ready,' said Rashid, leaving us standing at his front door.

‘What's the plan, Hils?'

‘It's strictly need-to-know.'

‘Strictly need-to-know' is usually the army way of saying, ‘I don't have a plan.' It can also be the army way of saying, ‘I'm not going to tell you my plan because if I do you'll ruin it.'

I think Hils meant it the second way.

Rashid was on his throne.

Rashid's Stinkly Bubu was in her chair making a basket. Out of bike spokes.

I wondered if they were spokes from Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre.

‘I come bearing news of a threat,' said Hils.

‘A threat to this kingdom?' said Rashid.

‘Affirmative.'

‘From whom?'

‘Grandmothers,' said Hils.

Brilliant. Hils was going to tell Rashid that his Stinkly Bubu was a bike murderer.

‘Your grandmother,' said Hils, ‘is not involved.'

WHAT?

Yes she is.

‘Hils?' I said.

Hils ignored me.

‘What threat is posed by these grandmothers?' said Rashid.

‘They wish to take over all our paper rounds and destroy all our bikes,' said Hils.

‘Our bikes?' said Rashid.

‘Affirmative.'

‘Hils?' I said.

Hils ignored me again.

‘Do you have a plan to defeat these grandmothers?' said Rashid.

‘Affirmative. We are putting together a rebel army to fight them.'

What rebel army? I hadn't heard about any rebel army. Hils was just making that up.

‘Hils?' I said.

Hils still ignored me. Hils is very good at ignoring me. She is very good at ignoring anybody.

‘You wish us to join this rebel army?' said Rashid.

‘Affirmative.'

‘Then it had better have a cool name. We'll only join if it has a cool name,' said Rashid.

‘The Horde,' said Hils. ‘The rebel army is called The Horde.'

‘That is cool,' said Rashid.

‘Hils?' I said.

Hils was ignoring me so easily I started to think that maybe I was invisible.

‘We will need time to decide if we will join The Horde. Pre-season football training starts next week.'

‘If you wish to join The Horde, we shall be meeting soon. I shall give you all the details,' said Hils.

Don't tell him where The Horde are meeting. Stinkly Bubu will just tell the other Stinkly Wrinklys and they'll ambush us again.

‘Hils!' I said.

‘The Horde will be meeting this Wednesday at Nobby's Quarry,' said Hils.

‘Hils!' I said.

‘At 18:30 hours.'

‘Hils!'

‘Every single member of The Horde will be there.'

‘Hils!'

‘We shall all be unarmed.'

‘Hils!'

‘If the grandmothers attacked us, they would completely defeat us.'

‘Hils!'

‘I just hope we are not attacked. We will not be ready for it.'

‘Hils!'

PINCH!

Hils pinched me on the cheek.

Hils and I were standing outside Rashid's house. My cheek really, very, super hurt.

‘Owwww!' I said.

‘You were threatening to disrupt my plan,' said Hils.

‘Owwww!'

‘I needed Rashid's Stinkly Bubu to think we are all going to be at Nobby's Quarry at 18:30 hours on Wednesday.'

‘Owwww!'

‘We're actually going to be at Nobby's Quarry at 17:30 hours and ambush the Stinkly Wrinklys when they turn up an hour later.'

‘Owwww!'

‘I know we don't actually have a rebel army yet.'