Charlotte's Tangled Web: L.B. Pavlov (33 page)

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chapter
15

leaving home

I would be leaving for California in two days. I would not be attending my high school graduation, nor giving my valedictorian speech, and I no longer had a boyfriend or a best friend to talk to. In one short week, my life had completely changed. It was more than I could comprehend. As I lay in bed, my heart aching, my head pounding, and tears streaming down my face, I thought about the loss of my mother and how it had been extremely painful for me. I had an image of what she would have been in my life, and I felt that we both missed out when her life ended so early.

Losing Daniel was traumatic in a different way for me. He was the love of my life. He had been a part of my life for the past thirteen years, almost on a daily basis. The majority of my life thus far had been spent with him as a constant. It felt as if I had lost a limb, or I was missing a part of me. The worst part of all was that he had a choice, and he chose to leave me.

This was unfathomable for me. Daniel wasn’t taken unfairly due to an illness or in an accident. He was still here, but just not with me. He no longer wanted me. This hurt so bad, it was something that I couldn’t think about. Sleeping was easier than believing this to be true. I reached over to my nightstand and picked up my charm bracelet and my promise ring, and I squeezed them in my hand. I didn’t feel right wearing them any longer, but I wasn’t ready to put them away. I pressed them against my heart, and as the tears continued to pour, I fell asleep again.

“Hey, Charlie, are you awake?” I heard a soft, sweet voice.

I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming. I sat up. My brother Jack was sitting at the end of my bed in the dark. I jumped up, crawled across the bed, and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder and cried.

I cried because I didn’t feel alone with him there; I cried because I knew that he understood why I was sad; I cried because I was happy he was with me; and of course I cried because my life had been turned upside down.

“Hey, it’s OK. You’re going to get through this, Charlie. James and Eric want you to know that they love you so much. They are going to come visit you at school soon. They don’t want to be around Dad right now. But we all love you, and we know you are going to get through this. Do you believe me?” he asked.

I pulled away and wiped at my endless tears, trying to smile and nod my head yes. “Thank you, Jack. I’m so happy you’re here,” I said in a quivering voice.

“Me too,” He said. “I will read your speech and get you through tomorrow, and then I will get you the hell out of this prison on Sunday morning, OK?”

I nodded. I couldn’t speak.

He looked at me intently. “Charlie, I have a phone if you want to use it. Dad can’t stop you from using my phone,” he said, looking into my eyes for a response.

Tears started streaming down even faster. “I have no one to call anymore,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.

He hugged me tightly. “Dad’s a fucker!” he said sharply.

That was very unlike Jack. He was not that the kind of person who ever spoke like that. I wondered why he was so angry.

“Dad’s not the reason that I have no one to call,” I said, surprised that I would even want to stick up for my dad because I agreed with Jack right now; my dad actually had been behaving in an unforgiveable way.

“Yes he is!” he shot back.

But Jack didn’t really know what had gone on with Daniel, and he didn’t know about Crystal, and I didn’t want to talk about it.

“And what the hell did he cut the tree down for?” he asked, and we both started laughing over the fact that my dad had done something so crazy. It felt good to laugh, if even for just a moment, while tears were still streaming.

“He found out that Daniel had climbed it a few times,” I said, wiping my tears again and feeling a tug at my heart.

“We all knew Daniel climbed that tree for God’s sake. And I was thankful. Charlie, I knew that Daniel would never do anything to hurt you, and he was there for you when your own dad couldn’t be. I mean, the kid climbed that tree on the eve of Mom’s death every year, and Dad turned a blind eye. But the minute he climbed that tree and your heart made you want to leave Stanford, Dad cuts it down? He’s such a hypocrite. Daniel took care of you when none of us could. Dad should be kissing his ass!” he finished angrily.

“Jack, I can’t talk about Daniel right now. My heart hurts so bad, I can’t. I can’t. I need to lay down, OK?” I said, and even I could hear the despair in my voice.

“Well, since he can’t climb that tree to console you, I will sit in your chair until you fall asleep so you don’t feel alone, OK? Can I have the TV on?” he asked.

“Of course. And Jack?” I said quietly.

“Yes?” he answered.

“It doesn’t matter that Dad cut the tree down. Daniel wasn’t going to climb it anymore,” I said. I clenched my hand around my bracelet and my ring, and I went back to my peaceful place, where I didn’t have to think about things or feel my aching heart.

It had been the longest week of my life. If I had known that I wouldn’t see Charlotte again until graduation, I probably would not have been able to go through with what I had done. I felt like someone had cut my heart out of my body. I had no contact with her. I knew that this was what was supposed to happen, but I hadn’t thought out how difficult it was going to be. I thought I would be able to see her at school. The classes that we had together were brutal because I stared at her empty seat and was reminded of the knife I had placed into her heart. I couldn’t go to lunch because we had been sitting next to each other every single day since kindergarten. I hated driving my truck because she was no longer next to me.

I continued to tell myself that I would be able to fix this. Once she was settled at school and the official season had started, I could try to explain everything to her. I couldn’t do it too soon, or she could leave. I needed her to get settled at school in the fall, and then she wouldn’t be as willing to leave. I could use this time to prove myself to her. To prove that she could trust me. Because the truth was, I couldn’t function without Charlotte. I needed her more than she needed me. I was completely lost without her.

The original plan was to get through the school year, but days into it, I knew I would never be able to stay away from her that long. I just needed to make it a few months, but it was painful. I was anxious for graduation because I could finally see her. I missed her face. I missed everything about her. I just needed to see her. I desperately needed to see her. I knew I couldn’t be with her, but maybe just seeing her would get me through today.

The graduation party had been canceled. The rumor at school was that Charlotte had mono. I avoided people as much as possible. I was not in a social mood. I hadn’t attended a single graduation party, and I had no desire to be around anyone. I just repeatedly told people that she had a bug.

Kathleen and Steph were relentless, asking why she couldn’t answer her phone. I said that her father had taken it away because he didn’t want it to disturb her. They had both gone by her house a few times, but they said Jack Sr. was always home now, and he told them she was too sick to see anyone. Jack was doing a fine job of cutting Charlotte off from the world.

After the tree had been cut down, I snuck over to her yard that night, and I took a few of the branches that had been chopped down and left in the yard. I hid them in my closet, so at least she and I could always have a piece of the tree that had held such a special meaning to us.

“Daniel, Mom said we need to get going!” Preston shouted from downstairs. My brothers had come home for my graduation. They tried to talk to me about what was going on, but I couldn’t discuss it. I’m sure my parents filled them in. My parents had been as supportive as they could be, and they knew that I was hurting really bad. They were not happy with Jack Sr., but I begged them not to get involved.

I had stayed in my room a lot when I wasn’t at school. I had read
Charlotte’s Web
twice in one week and kept it hidden under my pillow. It somehow made me feel close to her. I could hear her laughing and sighing at different parts of the book. I grabbed my cap and gown and headed downstairs.

“Oh, Daniel, you look very handsome!” Mom said, smiling.

There was sadness in my mom’s eyes since all of this had happened. My mom loved Charlotte like she was her own daughter, and this was very difficult for her as well. It didn’t help that there was no movement from the Fords’ house all week, with the exception of Jack Sr. pulling in and out of the garage occasionally. I didn’t know what was wrong with Charlotte because she hadn’t been outside at all. I saw her brother Jack’s car in the driveway, so they must have come home last night for graduation.

James had been texting me and was very upset about his sister. I told him that I hadn’t seen her or talked to her and that we had temporarily ended things. I didn’t want to go into detail, but he seemed to understand. He kept telling me how sorry he was and how angry he was with his father. I didn’t want this to affect their entire family. Jack Sr. was trying to do the right thing by his daughter, and I understood that. I didn’t like how he went about it, but I knew that he loved Charlotte.

I didn’t speak on the car ride over to the school. I was very anxious and desperate to see Charlotte. This was not how I had ever imagined our high school graduation. I couldn’t believe how much our lives had changed in one week. Just the Saturday before, I had been at her state meet. And now everything was different.

We walked in, and Sean and Gomez gave me a big hug. Everyone was excited about graduating. I was searching the room for her.

“Hey, have you seen Charlotte yet?” I asked.

“Sorry, dude, I haven’t seen her,” Sean said quietly. Sean knew that something was going on, but he could tell that I didn’t want to talk about it.

We were guided to our seats. The first speaker was called up to the podium. I searched for her, but her seat was empty. I wondered if maybe they had her in back because she was a speaker. I spotted Jack and his father. I was surprised that Lenora, James, and Eric were not with them.

When the speaker introduced the class valedictorian, he said, “Unfortunately, Miss Charlotte Ford is under the weather and is unable to attend today’s commencement. However, Mr. Jack Ford, Miss Charlotte Ford’s brother, will be reading her speech. Thank you.” Everyone clapped as Jack approached the podium.

I couldn’t believe it. Charlotte had missed her own graduation? She wasn’t giving her valedictorian speech? What the hell was going on? I felt sick to my stomach. I stared across the room until I met eyes with Jack Sr., and he quickly looked away. Coward. I did what you wanted, I thought, and now you can’t even look at me. Jack introduced himself and apologized for his sister’s absence. He said that she had prepared a speech, and he would read what she had written.

“Good afternoon, graduates, parents, and honored guests.

“My name is Charlotte Ford, excuse me, um, Jack Ford, reading on behalf of my sister Charlotte Ford. I would like to thank you for the opportunity to speak today at such a joyous occasion. I am honored to be graduating amongst such an incredible group of people, and I am proud to be a part of the St. Viator’s graduating class of 2012.

“Today I am speaking to a gifted group of individuals. Sitting amongst us is our student body president, Jason Lee, who has taught our class what it means to have a philanthropic heart, what it means to join together to make a difference, and the importance of speaking up when you need your voice to be heard. You are sitting alongside Veronica Pididdy, who will be studying at the Julliard School and is considered to be one of this country’s top violinists. Tony Barber will be attending Harvard on scholarship in the fall as a pre-med major and hopes to help to find the cure for cancer someday. We have Rachel Steinberger, who has led our cheerleading squad to compete in nationals each year for the past four years. John Grover took third place in the National Spelling Bee championship this year, which is the highest place any student from St. Viator’s has ever received at the national level. Stephanie Stewart, Kathleen Narayan, and Maddie Owens gave me the honor of being a part of a state championship four times eight-hundred-meter relay team this year, setting both a school record as well as a state record, and I am truly thankful to them for the experience. Last but not least is Daniel Hollingsworth, who led his team to their third straight 4A state football title and managed to steal my heart at the same time. Obviously we have a talented group of graduates, and each of the 197 individuals is equally unique and special.

“Over the past four years, we have each grown up and become young adults, and we are ready to conquer the world. My advice would be to, first and foremost, always follow your heart. I have learned from personal experience how important it is to listen to your heart, trust your instincts, and stay true to yourself. I am sure that many of you know that I lost my mother to a terrible illness at a very young age. What many people don’t know is that even though my mother is not here, she has continued teaching and guiding me throughout my life. My mother left behind fourteen books, her personal journals, which I have managed to read many times. The most important gift she gave me was leaving behind her words and her wisdom. My mother believed that love was the most important gift you could ever receive. So I encourage you to tell the people whom you love how you feel each day. Be thankful for the people in your life, and never take them for granted.