Chasing Clovers (13 page)

He smiled down at his boy.

Ben gave a quick nod. His head down, he wiped his eyes.

They finished the rest of their meal in silence. He kissed Ben and Emily goodbye. "Remember to watch out for Miss Livy today."

"
I'll take good care of her Pa," Ben assured him, "I promise."

"
Me too, me too," Emily hopped up and down.

John knelt in front of her. "Yes, you too Angel." He kissed her on the nose before heading outside to work.

Livy could smell her breakfast before Ezekiel came through the door. The steaming plate looked appetizing, and she was famished.

"
Mornin', ma'am. Me and the young'uns came to bring you your breakfast."

She
hadn't seen Ben and his sister, and peered around the black man to see where they were.

"
They went to pick you some flowers," he answered.

Touched by their thoughtfulness, a knot formed in her throat. Ezekiel set the tray on her lap, and she smelled the bacon and eggs. "Mmm, I think you out did yourself Ezekiel," she said.

His
hand swatted the air. "Ah, ma'am, don't go sayin' stuff like that."

"
It's true, and I can't wait to eat all of it." She smiled up at him, the gesture coming easier to her.

The girl ran into the room. Ben arrived at a much slower pace. Both carried handfuls of daisies, lilacs, and roses.

"
Here, Miss Livy," Ben said, extending his hand to pass her the flowers.

"
Thank you," she said, smiling at Ben as she took them. "I love flowers."

"
We figured so."

"
Here, here." Emily held out her hand, petals falling from her bouquet.

She
took them. "Thank you." She glanced at her for a moment.

"
Pa says we should keep you company. I can read ya a story?" Ben piped up.

"
That would be lovely."

"
Be right back," Ben yelled as he ran out of the room.

"
I'll be back in a few hours with your lunch," Ezekiel told her before leaving the room.

John
's daughter crawled up beside Livy and plopped right next to her. She didn't want her here, not after the night she had filled with dreams of Emma, deciding to eat her breakfast and ignore her. Ben came back a few minutes later, carrying three books in his hands.

"
What did you bring?" she asked him.

"
I brought
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
,
20,000 Leagues under the Sea
, and Pa's favorite, the Bible."

She
shook her head. "Not the Bible. Pick one of the other ones instead."

"
How come not the Bible? Pa says there are plenty of neat stories in here," Ben asked, holding up the heavy book.

"
I don't want to hear from the Bible."

"
But why?" he asked again.

"
Because I don't believe in it, that's why." Her cheeks reddened.

"
Oh." Ben placed the book on the table beside her bed and sat staring at the other two, until he decided on Tom Sawyer.

She
listened as Ben sounded out the first paragraph before he gave up and with glowing cheeks, asked her to read it out loud instead. For the rest of the morning and well into the afternoon, she read to Ben and his sister the adventures of the legendary Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. She stopped reading when Ezekiel brought their lunch, and when Shorty came to examine her knee.

She
had been able to keep a tolerable distance away from the girl, who now lay fast asleep at the end of the bed. Ben was in the chair beside her in a deep slumber. She placed the book on her lap and yawned.

She
took the cloth Ben had gotten for her off of her swollen knee. She stared at her inflamed limb and thought it appeared worse than it felt. Blue and purple, her leg throbbed every so often. The scratch on her face had scabbed, and her nose was still the same―tender to touch. Having banged it three times in the last week didn't help much. She was sure it would be crooked the rest of her life because of it.

The sun shining through her bedroom window warmed her, and she wanted to get out of bed and go outside. But Shorty had said she couldn't try walking until tomorrow. John was making her a pair of crutches to help her get around. She'd have them this evening. She was excited to be able to get out of bed. Livy's stomach fluttered when John's face appeared in her mind.

"
Traitor," she said to her midsection.

How was she supposed to keep her distance from him when her body longed for his touch? She knew that sooner or later they would have to consummate their marriage, and the thought frightened her to death
.

How am I going to explain why I
'm not a virgin?
What would his reaction be?
She didn't want to know.

She
'd keep her distance from him. Since her body couldn't be trusted, it was up to her mind. She snorted, and quickly covered her mouth so she didn't wake the children. She was being ridiculous. John didn't want her. He still loved his wife, and he made it quite clear that no one could, or would, take her place. She let out a long sigh. She didn't deserve a man like John, and she sure didn't deserve his children. Her eyes strayed to the girl. Especially her.

Livy
's vision blurred. She blinked to stop the tears from falling. She didn't deserve anyone's love, not after letting her own sweet Emma die. Her heart ached accompanying the dull pain that never seemed to go away. When she'd fallen off the horse, a part of her wished she'd take her last breath and die. And if she believed in God anymore, she would have asked Him to make it so. But He never answered her prayers before, why would He start now?

She
laid her head back against the headboard. Her soul longed for comfort. Someone to tell her things will get better. Strong arms to hold her while she sobbed and grieved for Emma.
John
. He couldn't begin to understand how she felt. She didn't know why her mind kept straying to him.

Must be from the kiss this morning
.

"
Humph." How could a single kiss change the way she felt about him? Could she have feelings for him?

She sat up.
Where did that come from?
She wasn't even thinking about love. She wasn't able to give it and denied her soul the permission to receive it. God had taken that away from her when He'd taken Emma. She was incapable of giving love to anyone ever again. It was never going to happen. The consequences of such an act could only end with her getting hurt, and she'd had enough of that to last a life time.

Her heart sank.
The one time in the last year she'd felt safe was when she'd woken in John's arms. Instead of relishing in it, she'd cast him out. Afraid.

Emily
started to cry as she woke from her nap. She couldn't console her, instead she pretended to sleep.

You are pathetic. She
's a child—a baby.

She wanted to help her, comfort her, and almost had, when Ben woke and went to sit with his sister until she settled down. Eyes still closed, she heard Ben take hi
s sister out of the room.

Livy
's hands sought out the blanket on either side of her, and she grasped the quilt in tight fists. She was a horrible person, and right now she didn't even like herself. How did she get to be so cruel, so spiteful? She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, disgusted. The child had done nothing to her, and yet she couldn't even wipe a few tears.

Who are you kidding? You can
't even look at her.
Why? What had that sweet child done to deserve such a thing? Her stomach turned.

Whenever the girl was near her,
she turned into an insensitive person. She didn't care whether she'd hurt the child or not. She blamed her for being alive. For being able to skip, run, and laugh. For being flesh and blood. Emma didn't have those things―never would―and she was angry. So angry. She squeezed the blanket harder. Emma didn't deserve to die. She should be alive! She should be alive!

The panic came, like she knew it would, and
she welcomed it. Her chest tightened the pain crawled up, slow and heavy. She let the tears fall. Hands still fisted, she allowed the pain to consume her, knowing what would come next. Her lungs burned as her breathing came in short, rapid breaths. Gasping for air, she still refused to stop the panic attack. She let out a loud, sorrowful groan and ground her teeth together.

"
Come, damn you. Take me." She willed her body to give up and her heart to stop. Instead, the grief came in waves rolling over her body, crashing onto her, heavy and constricting. She was close to hyperventilating. Her loud gasps echoed throughout the quiet room. Hands shaking, she reached for the glass beside the bed.

She screamed and
threw it against the wall, shattering it into pieces. Her face drenched in tears, her soul drained.

"
Livy?" John tapped on the door before opening it. He saw the glass on the floor.

"
You okay, honey?" He went to sit beside her on the bed. Her rosy cheeks were wet from tears. She looked lost, and he recognized the sorrow in her eyes. He dug into his pocket, pulled out a handkerchief, and wiped the tears from her face.

"
Need to talk?"

H
er sad eyes stared straight ahead.

He nudged her chin with his thumb in an effort to get her to look at him
.

"
Livy, what's wrong? Is it your leg? Does it hurt?"

She lifted her
face to him and shook her head. "No," she whispered.

"
Well, if not that, then what darlin'? What's got you breakin' dishes and your face all wet with tears?"

She shrugged
.

"
I'm here to listen."

Her eyes no longer revealed the sorrow he
'd seen earlier. "I guess I hate having to lie in bed all day."

He wasn
't buying it. "You can tell me the truth."

"
It's nothing that can be fixed," she said.

"
You don't know that. Why don't you tell me, and let me be the judge."

"
I don't need a
judge
.
" She glared at him. "I told you. It can't be fixed. Now leave me be."

But
he was having none of it. "Livy, we'll be married soon. We need to trust each other."

She scoffed. "Why do you want to marry me?"

Caught off guard at her question,
he stammered, "Well…I need a wife."

"
No, you need a housekeeper, and a nanny. You do not need a wife, nor do you want one."

Who was she to tell him what he needed?
"No, I need a wife."

"
We don't have to marry. I can do all those things without being your wife." She went on as if she hadn't heard him.

"
I said I need a wife damn it, and that's what you'll be. Now why don't you stop playin' games with me and tell me what the hell is goin' on," he yelled.

"
You still love your wife," she yelled back. "Why do you want a new one?"

He sat back, letting her words sink in. Yes, he still loved Becky with all his heart. And it still hurt to think about her. But he
'd been lonesome and he missed the chats they used to have in bed at night. He missed her advice, the way she'd look at him, kiss him, and touch him.

He turned cold eyes
toward her. He was angry at her for making him remember, for causing his heart to break a little more. "Yes, I still love my wife. I never offered you love, Livy. I can't, and I won't." His expression was hard, and his dark eyes stared right through her. "Is that what you thought would happen when you came here? Did you think I'd get on my knees and declare my love for you?" He stood by the door, putting an invisible barrier between them.

"
No, I didn't expect anything like that."

"
Sure." He could see the hurt in her eyes, and he didn't care. It was better for her to know not to have any expectations. "I'll always love her, Livy. I can't love anyone else." He opened the door, and without looking back, he left the room.

C
HAPTER TWELVE

Three day's passed since Livy had seen John. Neither made any attempt to be around the other, which was easy since this was the first day she'd been able to leave her room for any length of time without her leg bothering her too much.