Chasing Clovers (27 page)

"
Well congratulations Livy, you won." He slammed his chest with his fist. "I'm the fool."

She
couldn't stand this any longer. She'd been ashamed all her life, disgusted with how she'd lived. "Yes, I lied," she shouted back at him. "And I'm sorry for that, but I didn't bring Boyd here. I would never do that to Ben and Emily."

He
came close to her, his nose an inch from her own. "Don't talk about my children. You have no right to talk about them." His chest heaved as he stared down at her. "You're nothin' but a liar, and you've weaseled your way into their hearts."

"
No," she said adamantly, "I love Ben and Emily."

"
You don't even know what love is. How could you?"

"
I loved my daughter!" Livy screamed at him. Losing all self control, she brought her hand up, and slapped John hard across the face. The crisp sound echoed throughout the room. "How dare you. My daughter was a gift. She was my life. She meant everything to me, and when she died a piece of me died with her."

Her fist
s pounded into his chest.

John grabbed her arms to stop her from hitting him. Their chests rose and fell, both ready to explode, when Clive pushed them apart. His forehead was creased and his mouth hung down at the corners.

"
What the hell do you want?" John yelled at him, letting go of Livy.

Clive had been staring at Livy, and she knew he recognized her. "You used to sing at the Rusty Slipper in Fort McLeod," he said.

John threw his arms up.
"Oh, so you knew Livy before? Thanks for keeping that information to yourself, Clive."

Clive turned to John and then back to Livy, his eyes full of sorrow.
"I knew her as 'Angel the Songbird'."

"
Oh, well, pardon me." John placed his hand on his chest. "Apparently I'm the only one who was kept in the dark."

Clive glared at him.

"
So tell me friend, did you have her too?" he growled.

"
What the hell is the matter with you John?" Clive shouted, "She sang there―she wasn't like the other women."

"
And I'm supposed to believe you when you've known all along who she was?"

"
I didn't know, not until she told you she was a singer did I put two and two together."

"
Well, bravo." He clapped his hands while rolling his eyes.

"
Please, stop, John," Livy pleaded.

He twisted
to face her. "You will address me as
Mr. Taylor
."

She
stepped back as if he'd struck her. "Please, if you'd only let me explain."

"
No," he shouted. "I want you gone."

"
John," Clive yelled, trying to calm him down.

His hands in his hair, he
pulled at the long strands as his face twisted with rage. "I have to get the hell out of here." He spoke to Clive. "I'll be up in the east field until tomorrow."

Clive was silent.

He
looked at Livy, disgust in his eyes. "Take her into town and buy her fare to wherever the hell she wants to go." He headed for the door.

"
Please, John," Livy ran toward him. "Don't do this."

"
Say your goodbyes to Ben and Emily." He kept walking, refusing to even look at her.

Livy grabbed
his arm. She couldn't lose him, couldn't imagine her life without him. She grasped at anything to keep him here with her.

John took her hand and threw it away from him. His lip curled. "Be gone when I get back."

He slammed the front door as he left
.

Clive raced after him. "John! Wait."

Hand clenched,
John swung around and punched Clive. All the anger, hurt and resentment he was feeling he packed into that one hit. His friend had lied to him. He knew all about Livy and didn't tell him.

His chest expanding he yelled,
"Stay the hell away from me."

"
Think about what you're doing."

He
was furious. His lips formed into a thin line, and his fists were knotted at his sides. He ignored Clive's plea. "I'll tell Ezekiel he needs to come up to the house in the morning to watch Ben and Emily while you take Livy back." His blood boiling, he left Clive standing there, speechless.

Livy stood in the middle of the room after John left. His cold words still lingered, beating her up inside and leaving bruises that would remain with her forever. In a daze, she backed up and lowered onto the sofa. Her dress was wrinkled, and her hair was a mess, but she didn't care―she had lost the only man she'd ever love.

She hung her head.
He was gone. He didn't believe me.
Last night had filled her with false hopes. She now knew that he didn't love her in return and probably never had. Instead he was disgusted with her, ashamed to have her in his house, near his children.

And it
's all my fault. I lied to him. I lied to Ben and Emily. I did this. I fabricated a life that never existed.

Her stomach knotted, and she wrapped her arms around her middle. Slowly, wretchedly, she rocked back and forth
.

The front door opened and Clive strode into the room and removed his hat.
"I'm sorry, Livy," he said quietly.

She couldn't have him think this was his fault. "No, Clive. I'm the one who's sorry," she whispered.

He sat beside her, and she could see the red welt on his right cheek to match the bruise on his left. "I'll be taking you into town in the morning."

She
didn't say anything, too afraid she'd break down.

"
Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked, regret written all over his face.

She
shook her head.

Clive placed his hand on hers in a friendly gesture. "John didn't mean the things he said."

"
I lied to him, Clive."

"
I know that, but I believe you had your reasons."

"
It doesn't matter," she said, "I deceived them all."

"
Do you love him, Livy?"

Yes
, I loved him.
But she was unable to say the words as tears slid down her face.

"
Have you told him?"

"
He doesn't love me, so it wouldn't matter." Her life was over. Any chance at happiness had been ripped from her, taken so abruptly that she hadn't had a chance to fight for it. Clive was silent, and she knew he didn't know what else to say to her.

"
Clive, thank you for all you've done, but I'd like to be left alone for now."

"
I'll be back tonight after supper to keep watch." He placed a light kiss on her forehead and left.

Livy
's heart ached with every beat it took, and she couldn't hold back the tears as they fell from her eyes and soaked her face. The agonizing realization of what she'd lost came crashing down on top of her. Guilt blanketed her soul and cast her into an abyss of loneliness and despair. Her hands shook from the shock of it all. She hadn't a clue as to where she would go when she left here. Nor did she care. Everything was lost to her now. She hadn't felt this much anguish since the night Emma died.

She dre
aded having to say goodbye to Ben and Emily. The two reasons she'd started to heal in the first place. Her face in her hands, she sobbed for the daughter she never knew, the life she'd come so close to having, and the love she had lost.

"
Miss Livy?" Ben stood at the door holding his sister's hand. Both were in their pajamas.

They were so precious
, so fragile, and she owed them nothing but the truth as well. She opened her arms, and the children ran toward her. Livy hugged them tight and kissed the tops of their heads.

"
Come," she said sniffling, "sit up here with me." Waiting for them to sit on either side of her, she took a deep breath. "I need to tell you a few things."

"
Like what?" Ben asked as he stared up at her, his brown eyes honest and pure. She felt horrible for lying to him.

"
Well, I…I have to go away tomorrow."

"
When ya comin' back?"

Ben
's innocence tugged at her heart, and she tried hard not to sob as she wiped at the tears on her face. "I'm not, Ben."

His dark eyes, so much like his father's, filled with tears. "But I said I was sorry for all the bad stuff that's happened to you."

Livy's heart lurched. "Ben, those things weren't your fault." She pulled him into her.

"
Yes they were, Miss Livy," Ben started to cry. "I cut the cinch on your horse. I wanted you to leave. I felt so bad afterwards. I told the bad man I didn't want to hurt you and I had changed my mind, but he said if I didn't tell you to go to the barn, and that pa was lookin' for you, he'd kill us all."

She
couldn't believe what she was hearing. Anger pulsed through her veins at what Boyd had done. Poor Ben! Boyd had used him to get to her. She nudged Ben's chin. "You listen to me. That man is awful, and it wasn't your fault what happened to me."

"
I'm sorry, so sorry you got hurt," he bawled.

"
Benjamin Taylor, it would've taken a lot worse things to get rid of me, you hear?"

"
Then how come you have to leave?"

Livy sighed.

"
I've said some things I shouldn't have."

"
Like what?"

"
I lied to all of you about who I am," she whispered, barely able to speak. She wanted to tell them, but at the same time she wanted to hold onto this moment forever.

"
You stay, Miss Liby," Emily whimpered beside her.

"
I can't, Emily."
Oh, how I wish I could.

"
What'd ya lie about?" Ben asked.

"
Did you know I used to have a little girl?"

They shook their heads.

"
Her name was Emma," she took a deep breath before continuing, "and January 25
^th
―a month after Christmas―would've been her third birthday."

"
How come you didn't bring her with ya?" Ben asked.

A stabbing pain in her chest, Livy remembered her daughter. "Because Ben, she died a year ago."

"
How'd she die?"

She
had never talked to anyone about Emma. She buried her daughter's memory deep down inside for only her to remember and call upon when she needed to. But because she loved Ben and Emily so much did she open her heart and let them know her little girl as she did.

"
She had Scarlet Fever."

"
How old was she?"

"
A year and a little bit," she said, seeing Emma's face.

"
What'd she look like?"

"
She had the bluest eyes." Livy gazed down at Emily. "Like yours, Emily, and little bits of blonde hair on the top of her head." She ran her fingers through Emily's hair.

"
She must've been pretty like you," Ben said.

"
She was beautiful," she whispered.

"
Do ya miss her?"

"
I do," she choked out. "I think of her every minute of every day."

"
I miss my Mama too, sometimes."

She
rubbed his back, and whispered, "I'm sure you do, Ben."

"
Pa says she's in heaven and looks down on us, makin' sure we're all safe." His brows furrowed. "But when I'm out in the field playin' and I look up, I can't see her."

Livy had never
thought about how much Ben must miss his mother. She wished she could spend more time with them. She refused to talk of God before, thinking he'd ignored her pleas to save Emma, but as she glanced down at Ben, saw the sadness in his eyes, she couldn't let him think the same thing.

"
I don't think we're supposed to see heaven," she told him, "but it doesn't mean it's not there.

Ben nodded, and two fat tears slipped from his eyes.

"
Sometimes I think I feel Emma, as if she were right here in my arms." She motioned with her hands. "And when I realize that she's not, I get scared thinking she's all alone without me."

Ben placed his hand in hers. "Don't worry, Miss Livy. Emma's in heaven with our mama and she'll take good care of her for ya."