Chasing Serenity (Seeking Serenity) (21 page)

I try not to flinch when he kisses my forehead. “I’ll let you get back to practice,” I say. “I’ve got work to do at home.”

I rush away from him, but pause when Tucker calls my name. “Wait up.” My arms curl around my middle and I step back, waiting for Tucker’s approach. “Listen, I know you’ve told me no a thousand times, but I want to take you out. Just to talk. I promise.”  Head down, I watch Tucker, the way his face is unguarded, to his smile and the slow tilt of his head. I used to love that. He knows that. I don’t respond straightaway, thinking about my earlier assertion that Tucker is somehow blackmailing Declan to keep him away from me.

When I glance behind him, I notice Declan watching us, resting against the bleacher railing as Heather prattles on about something. His eyes are dark, heated and I return the expression, still angry, still shocked by his irrational reversal of feelings.

If he could read my mind, I wonder what he’d think. Just glaring at him, I try to convey everything in my expression. Run if you must, I think. Run like a coward, but I will find you out.

“Yeah, Tucker. You can take me out.”
 

I leave my friends behind. They call after me, my name coming from their lips between pants of hot breath and whines of concern. I push them away, place myself in the moment, with the cold wind whipping against my face and the mountain around me, cradling me in its woodsy grip.

Training will help. Moving my body, embracing the ache, the searing throttle of tight muscle, of burning lungs will exorcise the anger, relieve the blister of hurt. Here, up on this mountainside, I am free. There is no drug better than the endorphin rush pounding in my brain, vanquishing my thoughts, clearing my mind. The brittle leaf I was is now vibrant green; a waxy texture that stands in the storm screaming, slapping back, shouting “come at me, you bastard.”

Two days, and the surprise has not dulled. Declan’s rejection, his angry sneer is imprinted on my brain. I have replayed his words over and over. I trace back through my memory and recall his expressions, the slightest hint of regret, of concern. I can find none. But in that moment when Tucker’s fingers brushed against mine, when he stood too close, an intentional exploit meant to provoke Declan’s anger, I saw a glint of something, a beating pulse that expressed Declan’s envy. Recollection shows me that wild flicker that crossed those green eyes, screaming to me “you are mine.”

But to hell with Declan if he thinks there will be pining. I am not a simpering girl. Tucker’s Autumn is dead and with each step I took away from the pitch that day, I stomped her deeper and deeper beneath the earth. A moment of weakness. I had been paranoid, and quickly learned that feeling wasn’t misplaced. Now I choose to embrace my instinct. I am empowered by that innate voice that tells me to fight instead of take flight, to win, to erase Declan’s laughable excuses from my thoughts. And while the theory is easier than the practice, I am managing. The blame for this situation is at Tucker’s feet. I know this. I understand this and have every intention of unraveling the puzzle my ex has so cleverly crafted.

He knows Declan’s secret, but I know Tucker’s.

The falls spray water against my feet and though the air temperature is chilly, hovering somewhere around fifty, I like the feel of the frosty waters dotting against my ankles. My feet swing over the cliff and I slant back, enjoying the hot beat of the sun on my face, the quiet symphony of the falls cracking against the boulders below.

For a moment I catch the serenity I am always seeking; the sweet bliss from the trees around me, swaying, moving and the high pitched call of birds swooping among the branches. I am calmer now than I have been in two days and do not release my tranquility as I hear the heavy grunts and running steps of my friends coming up the trail.

Layla falls next to me, her chest heaving. “I hate running. I hate it so much.”

“You’re getting better at it,” I say, looking down at her to brush the sweaty hair off her face. She smiles, then gives me a thumbs up.

Sayo enters next, winded as well, and is followed by Mollie who instantly lands on Layla’s lap. “Dying. Freakin’ dying.”

Sayo struggles less and I exchange a smile with her as our friends utter complaints of exhaustion. My best friend sits next to me. “How’s your leg?”

I have to think about her question, surprising myself when I notice that it hasn’t cramped once on way up the mountain. Smiling, I sit up a bit straighter. “It’s good. No pain at all.”

“Excellent.”

“You know,” Layla starts, her arm covering her eyes as she lays in the sun, “I thought this would be easier without General Guinness barking orders at us.” She lowers her arm, glancing at me as though she expects my anger to surface. “I think you’re worse than him, Autumn.”

There is movement on the other side of the falls and my head snaps toward it. I only relax when two small rabbits hop beneath the Oaks. “We have to be ready. Only a month to go.”

Declan’s text came late Wednesday night, surprising me. It was a simple question, When would you lot like to train on Friday? I stared at my phone for a solid hour before I called Sayo and asked her to tell him his services were no longer needed. I don’t know how long they spoke or what they discussed, I didn’t want to know. Sayo tried delving details about what Declan said to me on the pitch, but I couldn’t find the words, wouldn’t let myself talk about it for fear that my newly repaired wall would begin to crumble again.

“I don’t know if I can make it, Autumn, seriously. I’m not cut out for cardiovascular crap.” Layla’s breath steadies but she hasn’t moved from her spot on the ground.

“If you’d stop eating donuts with that cop on campus every morning, maybe you’d improve,” Mollie says, ratting out her best friend.

They begin to bicker and I resign myself to the realization that my fought-for calm has left me. I stand, begin to walk away from them before Sayo calls me back.

“They’re just bitchy after the run. They’re always like this. Why don’t you give them a few minutes and we’ll go back down together?”

“I have stuff to do.”

Sayo nods, but her eyes are narrowed and I don’t know if it’s concern or curiosity that has her staring me down. “What stuff? It’s Friday night. Why don’t we catch a movie?”

Behind her, Layla and Mollie’s argument intensifies. Sayo turns as the two girls’ shouts grow so loud that several birds fly out of the tree limbs, scatter leaves onto the ground.

“Such a nosey bitch, Mollie, why don’t you mind your own damn business?” Layla marches past us with Mollie following. Neither one of them pay us any mind.

“A fucking cop, Layla? Seriously? With my family history? You should know better.”

As our friends disappear down the trail, I relax my shoulders and Sayo notices the gesture. “They love drama.” We hear another colorful expletive from Layla and both Sayo and I laugh. “How did we end up being friends with them?”

“Mollie had the best fake I.D. Layla had free tickets to the matches, remember?”

Sayo and I don’t run back down the trail. The day is light, beautiful with leaves falling all around us, small creatures skittering across the trail around each bend.

“So what are you doing tonight? I really wanted popcorn and Goobers.”

I don’t want to tell her. Even if my plans with Tucker serve only for me to dig into what he knows about Declan, she’ll still find my being around him unsettling. But Sayo is nosey, inquisitive, and if I don’t tell her, she’ll make a surprise visit just before I leave tonight. That wouldn’t be good, especially if she sees Tucker picking me up.

I stop walking in the middle of the trail, my feet pass over a heavy root that fractures up from the ground. “Tucker is taking me out.”

My best friend’s eyes are perfectly still, cool even, as though she hadn’t heard me. Either that or she believes she misinterprets what I say. “Do what now?”

“Don’t get pissy, it isn’t what you think.”

“How do you know what I’m thinking? But, excuse me? Are you crazy?” Sayo is short and petite, but when she’s angered, when she’s utterly miffed she can be a scary, imposing figure. My eyes drop to her hands, to the tight curl of her fists and I know I have to soothe her temper before it gets out of hand.

“You’re thinking that since Declan dumped me, I’m going to go running back to Tucker because I’m just that pathetic.”

“That is certainly not what I’m thinking, Autumn.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if the thought had crossed her mind. Since Tucker left me a year ago, Sayo has monitored my actions, the things I do because she thinks I am incapable of making a good decision. Having a relationship with Tucker was proof enough of that for her.

“I think Tucker is blackmailing Declan to keep him away from me.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Just a feeling I get. Seeing them yesterday, and the way Declan backed down when Tucker challenged him, it just didn’t sit right with me. I know Tucker. I know the games he likes to play and he’s up to something. I intend to find out what.”

She stammers, her voice broken and choppy as she follows at my side down the trail. “But you have no proof. Why put yourself in that situation if you’re not sure?”

“The point of going out with him is to get proof.”

When I continue on the trail, paying no attention to her and her gasped, annoyed mutterings, Sayo jerks me back, pulling my arm until she has my full attention. “You can’t do this. Not alone, you can’t. Tucker will try—”

 “I don’t want Tucker. I don’t.”

“But you’ll be with him.”

“So I can find out the truth. So I know what he’s got on Declan.”

“You’re setting yourself up.” Sayo’s hands shake when I move away from her. Her eyes have taken on an anxious, eager presence as though she’s about to break down into uncontrollable sobs. I don’t like this. I expected her agitation, but not this fear. “He’s going to lure you right back into his life like he’s always done. You know he will. He will guilt you and flatter you and remind you of all the good times you had together. He won’t mention how many times he made you cry, how often the police were called during one of your epic shouting matches, how many missed dates he couldn’t explain. He won’t remind you of any of that and before you know it, you’re with him and Declan will be someone you met once. That’s Tucker Morrison, that’s what he does.”

Does she think I’m an idiot? My stomach twists at her accusation, at the idea that I am incapable of remembering Tucker for who he truly is. “You think I don’t know that? You think I’m so weak, so pathetic that I’ll let him convince me to forget all the shit he’s done to me? You think he has so much power over me that I will forget that he almost broke me?”

Sayo’s eyes slam shut and her nostrils flare as she takes in a deep breath. “I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re vulnerable right now.” She tries to touch me again, reaching for my arm, but I step back, unwilling to release the seething anger in my chest. I don’t want her consoling me, not when she clearly thinks I’m pathetic. “I’m just worried about you.”

“Don’t be. You obviously have no faith in me, Sayo. You still think I’m that pitiful little idiot that believed every lie Tucker told me.”

“I don’t think that, Autumn.”

“Then trust me to use him to get the information I need. Trust me to walk away from him and not feel anything. Because I don’t. I don’t love him. I don’t want him.”

She grunts, kicks a large root on the ground. When she speaks, her voice has deepened and there is a slight curl to her top lip. “He’s so manipulative. So cunning.”

“I’m aware.”

Sayo looks at me as though I’m missing an element in her meaning, some small piece of vital information that will explain her attitude and disquiet. “He still wants you and you know he will try everything he can to convince you to take him back. It’s what he does. It’s what he always does.”

When my best friend’s lower lids shake and her eyes glance up over the trees, to the peaks of the mountain above us, a small glint catches in the sun. Her dark eyes brim with moisture and in this moment I know she’s holding on to something. I’ve always suspected that her hatred of Tucker went deeper than his treatment of me, but I never believed it was personal for her. This isn’t worry for me. This is fear. This is heartbreak.

“What did he do to you?” I say, stepping in front of her.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” Sayo takes a moment, breathes in and out. Her tiny fingers rub over her face, across her forehead. “I just remember how you were with him. I’m scared you’ll be that person again.”

No, she’s not. Sayo’s been my best friend since high school. We read each other, pick up on tells, on inflections and elevated tones. That shrill nuance is back and I know she’s lying.

When she curls her arms against her small chest and darts away from me, I grab her, spin her around with my hands on her shoulders. “What did he do?”

There is a brief trace of hesitancy that deepens the lines on her face, that deepens her frown. She inhales, lifts her chin and then she is composed enough to speak. “It was a long time ago, before you two dated.” When she pauses, I stare, expectant. “It was when I thought I wanted to pledge Tri Sig, freshman year. You were in England the second half of the year, remember? It was right after my grandmother’s death and I went with Mollie and some of her musician friends to a party at Kappa Alpha. Tucker was there. We were drunk. We went back to his place and we…we made out. A lot. And when I wouldn’t agree to a threesome with him and his friend, he kicked me out of the room, in my underwear. Called me a tease. I was mortified. I doubt he even remembers.”

My hands fall away from her arms and I step back, stunned that she’d never mentioned this to me. “You never told me. Sayo, that was five years ago. Why the hell didn’t you tell me when I started dating him?”

“I don’t know.” She palms the back of her neck, her eyes downcast. “I thought maybe he’d changed. He was so sweet to you, treated you so well at first and you seemed so happy.” Another breath, this one long and labored and then her gaze returns to me. “Then you got serious and I thought it was too late. Autumn, I’m sorry. Maybe if I’d mentioned it then you wouldn’t be going through all of this.”

Sayo knows everything about me. I’ve never held anything back from her. She’s always known my fears, my secrets, the truth of what my life has been, how it has shaped me. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t say to her, no confidence I’d keep from her and I thought she always felt the same. This revelation hurts worse than Declan’s rejection. It’s nothing to Tucker’s abandonment. Those I can forget, will eventually push aside. But my best friend knew what a shit Tucker was and she never told me. She never mentioned it once in four years.