Chasing Sunsets (13 page)

Still, it wasn’t a conversation I felt ready to have. I’d thought he would fade from my life again—as he had before. That I would go on with my life and he with his. “Steven . . .”

Before I could say anything more, he continued. “Because if I did, Kim . . . if I did,” he added, his voice lowering, “I’m sorry. It wasn’t done on purpose. I’ve gone over it about a million times in my mind. Everything we said during dinner. Even everything our server said. I thought we were having fun. I thought . . .”

When he didn’t finish I asked, “What, Steven? What did you think?”

He sighed as he ran his index fingertip down the side of his glass, taking the beaded sweat with it. “That maybe while you were here, we could . . . you know.”

“No, I don’t know.”

“See each other a little. Kick back like old times.” His eyes—passionate and royal blue and framed by tiny laugh lines made white by his tan—danced in sincerity. “I know you said you don’t date much . . .”

“Don’t date at all, Steven. And no. You didn’t say or do anything,” I lied. “It’s just that, like you said, we’d only be seeing each other while I’m here, and that’s going to be such a short time. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea that we would start something we couldn’t finish.”

Perplexity shot across his face. Like the glimpse of a dolphin leaping over water, had I blinked, I would have missed it. “What does that mean? Start something we can’t finish? I’m just talking about dinner, maybe going to some of the local touristy kind of places, taking a boat ride or two. I’m not talking about . . . you know . . .” He took a nervous sip of his tea. I couldn’t tell if he was uncomfortable with where the conversation was going or if he was just thirsty.

I stood to refill my glass, stepping over Max, who lay next to his bowl, snoring. As the topaz liquid fell over what was left of my ice, I heard Steven say, “This is about when we were kids, isn’t it?”

I turned with my glass clenched between my fingers. “Look, Steven, I really don’t want to get into this.”

He stood. “I wish you would, Kim. I wish you’d just tell me like it is—tell me the truth—so I know.”

“All right then.” I took a breath, let it out slowly. “You hurt me, Steven. I know it sounds silly. I know it was a lot of years ago. But you hurt me.”

“I know I—”

I held up my free hand to stop him. “Don’t say anything. Just listen. It’s silly that a woman my age can’t just pick up and move forward, but the truth is—and you said you want the truth—the truth is that you hurt me. You were my first love. I’d had a crush on you since I was twelve, and then after five years of pining away for you and you just thinking I was some little kid—you finally noticed me. Really noticed me. And I thought you felt like I did . . . don’t say anything, Charlie!”

He blinked. “I’m not Charlie.”

I raked my teeth over my bottom lip, then said, “No, you aren’t. But you may as well have been.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because, Steven, after you there was no one else until Charlie, and I thought I had met the man I really would spend the rest of my life with. And I thought he felt the same way too. We were
it
for each other. There had never been anyone else before . . . in that way . . . and I thought . . .” I swallowed. “Things were good between Charlie and me. We were both close to our families and had jobs we both loved, and we had kids any parent would be proud to have. We built a beautiful home and talked about what we would do when it was just the two of us again. Where we’d go. What we’d do. Life was idyllic, and while I rarely thought about you, I can honestly say that when I did, I still felt the pain of your dumping me the way you did—”

He opened his mouth, but again my hand shot up.

“But if I’m going to be honest, as time went on, the wound wasn’t nearly as tender. Though I admit that when I heard you had gotten a divorce there may have been a little ‘serves him right’ in my heart. And yes, I am ashamed to admit that.”

“I deserve that.”

My shoulders fell. I set my tea on the countertop behind me and said, “Yes, you do.” My voice was barely audible, even to me.

“So then what happened? Between Charlie and you, I mean.”

I looked him in the eye. “Like you, Charlie found someone he loved better than me.”

“He’s remarried?”

I snorted. “Goodness, no. Since her, there’s been a whole lot of somebodies, if what my sons tell me is true.” I looked at my feet. “So here I am again. I’ve loved only two men in my life, and those two men have found me . . . not good enough.” The words forced their way around the knot in my throat. My eyes now burned from holding back the tears. I stomped my foot lightly. “I swore I wasn’t going to do this. I’m not going to cry.” I blinked until the threat of a waterfall passed. “This is what I’m talking about, Steven. I can’t . . . I can’t do . . .
this
. You have your answer now. I’d rather live out my life single than hurt like that again.”

Steven crossed the distance between us. His fingertips slipped to the back of my head, his thumbs forcing my face up to his. When his lips—tender and warm—came down on mine, my breath caught in my throat. The kiss was over the same moment it began. Had his hands not stayed where they were, I would have fallen in a heap at his feet. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry for my part in your hurt. But we were
kids
, Kimberly.”

I slipped from his grip, taking several steps away from him . . . from that part I’d always found irresistible. I knew if I stayed too close, I still would. I kept my voice as kind as I knew how, even as I kept my eyes on his. “Maybe so. But we were still old enough to make babies.”

He winced, then looked down at his watch before shoving his hands in the pockets of his shorts in a sign of resignation. “Look,” he said. “I can’t even finish talking about this. I have to get going. This has already taken longer than I should have allowed it to. But . . .” He sighed. “Look here. I know you said you weren’t going to be here long. I’d at least like it that when you leave, we can call ourselves friends.”

I nodded.

He took several steps toward the door, then turned. “One more thing. I don’t have anything after this next tour. The kid we hired for the summer is taking the last one of the day so . . . there’s something I’d like to show you, okay? Will you meet me at the dock? Around 6:00?” He waited. When I didn’t answer, he added, “Just say yes, Kimberly.”

I shook my head, but then I sighed and said, “Yes.”

He gave a faint smile. “Will you do me one little favor though?”

“I don’t know. Depends on what it is.”

He winked. “Clean up a little, will you?”

November 1988

Steven Granger stood at the window of the third floor waiting area, peering out as though he were looking for someone in particular. His eyes shifted like the slow pendulum of a clock as he watched people walk along the sidewalk running horizontally in front of the hospital. Several were dressed in white lab coats and uniforms, but most were patient visitors, both coming and going. He chewed on the inside of his bottom lip, wondering if anyone from his family or Brigitte’s would be among them anytime soon.

Or at all.

In the corner of the small box of a room sat a man using the telephone. Steven closed his eyes against the drone of information the guy passed along to what felt like the thirty-secondth person. At this point, Steven was quite positive that if the man came down with a sudden case of laryngitis,
he
could take over. Yes, his wife just had their third child. A boy. Yes, a boy. Finally. Yeah, I know. Of course they were naming him after his daddy. And then the hearty laugh, followed by, “If we can just figure out who he is!”

More laughter.

Steven looked down at his watch, then back to the world outside and below.

It was then that the closed door to the waiting room opened. Steven whirled around as Proud Papa said a hasty good-bye and hung up the phone. A couple of prospective grandparents who sat on the faux-leather sofa across the room stopped in their idle time activities to greet the nurse who stood in the framed doorway.

“Mr. Dickerson?”

Proud Papa stood. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Your wife said to tell you that she needs you pronto.” Then she smiled. “Those were her words, not mine. And, she suggested this is where I might find you.”

Steven couldn’t help but snicker as the man quickly followed behind the nurse like a private behind a drill sergeant. He then looked at the prospective grandparents. The woman returned to her needlework. The man, who had been reading a year-old
Reader’s Digest
he’d plucked off the scarred coffee table in front of him, winked at Steven.

Man code, Steven thought.

And he was a man now. No longer just a kid frolicking without a care in the world in Cedar Key. No longer just a college student trying to keep his grades above failing. Now, he was a husband and he was about to become a father.

The mouth chewing started again.

“Your first?” the man asked him.

Steven moved away from the window and to the chair previously occupied by Mrs. Dickerson’s husband. “Yes, sir,” he said, sitting. He ran his palms down the length of his jeans, hoping to remove some of the sweat pooling there.

“Boy or girl?”

“We don’t know,” Steven admitted. “Brigitte—my wife—and I are among the remaining few who really don’t want to know until it’s born.”

The woman stopped in her needlework and said, “My husband and I are awaiting our first grandchild, so I suppose we’re in the same boat as you. The forever ‘wait and see’ for the family members. Except that we know we’re having a boy.” The woman grinned.

“Our son’s son,” the man said, smiling just as broadly. “Our daughter-in-law didn’t want to be surprised, and that settled that.” He sighed. “I guess it makes
some
sense to find out beforehand.”

“The nursery is all set up for a boy,” the woman said. “We’ve had several baby showers, and, of course, all the gifts were for a boy.”

Steven nodded. He and Brigitte had scraped up enough money to buy a secondhand crib. One evening while she read to him from a “what to expect during delivery” book, he’d put it together and then pushed it into one corner of their already cramped bedroom. Some of Brigitte’s friends had put together a shower for her. About ten or twelve giggling near-adult women gathered in their joke of a living room, playing diaper pin games and asking way too many personal questions . . . all of which he could hear behind the closed bedroom door.

They had brought some pretty good gifts, though. Mostly disposable diapers and bottles and the kinds of things babies need and he couldn’t afford. Not on the meager salary he earned in the kitchen at Pizza Hut.

Life sure had changed for Steven Granger . . .

“Do you mind if I ask you a question, son?”

Steven looked up, unaware that his mind had drifted off until that moment. “Yes, sir?”

“My wife and I had our first child when I was twenty-eight and she was twenty-one. You don’t look like you could be a day over seventeen.”

It wasn’t really a question and it wasn’t really a statement either. But Steven understood it. He nodded. “I’m nineteen, sir. And yes, I’m too young to be a father. If you want a second opinion on that, you can just ask mine.” It wasn’t said to be harsh; it was just the reality of the thing.

The wife placed her needlework in her lap. “Now you listen here. Many a nineteen-year-old boy has become a father in the course of the world’s history and no doubt did a fine job of raising their children. Why, there was a time when most young people were parents multiple times over by the time they hit their twenties.”

The man chuckled. “But honey . . . they were dead before they hit fifty.”

Steven couldn’t help but laugh with him.

The woman poked her husband in the side with an index finger, and he jumped before she asked, “So is there a reason why you aren’t with your wife right now? Most young people today—both the husband and the wife are in the delivery room together.”

Steven shook his head. “My wife’s . . . um . . . there’s some complications. They’re taking the baby by caesarean.”

“That’s too bad,” she said. “She’ll have a longer recovery, you know. The next couple of weeks, you’ll be nursemaid both to her and to your baby.”

He hadn’t thought of that. He brought his hands together and cracked his knuckles, wondering how he was going to manage that, work,
and
school. At least the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays were coming up and he’d have a break in his class schedule.

But there was also another complication, one he didn’t bother to mention to the kind couple across the room. Brigitte was only eight months along in her pregnancy. Before they had scurried off to surgery with her, the doctor said not to worry. Still . . .

“Yes, ma’am,” he said finally.

They smiled at each other then. The woman returned to her needlework and the husband to his magazine. Steven stood, walked over to the window again, and peered out. He wished, oh, how he wished, that his mother were here. He wasn’t sure about his father—they’d hardly said two kind words to each other since he and Brigitte had married six months earlier. Since he’d told them what they’d done in the cold confines of a judge’s office. He now winced at the memory. Even the news that they were going to be grandparents hadn’t softened it. His dad was angry. Perhaps rightfully so. Like he’d said, he hadn’t worked his fingers to the bone carting people all over the island for the last twenty years so that Steven could waste his college education on some two-bit—

“Mr. Granger?”

Steven’s head jerked toward the door, his breath caught in his chest. “I’m Steven Granger,” he said to the same nurse who had come to get Mr. Dickerson.

“Come with me,” she said. “Dr. Lang would like to see you.”

For a moment Steven felt dizzy. Something was wrong—he knew it. Instinctively, he knew it. He blinked, unable to move.

“Mr. Granger, are you all right?”

He blinked some more. “Yes,” he said, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper.

He moved toward the door on legs made of quicksand. A quick glance over to the couple on the sofa—he’d not even asked their names—and what he knew was a weak smile. He scolded himself. He needed to be a man now. Not a little boy wishing he had his mommy nearby. A man.

“Good luck, son,” the man called out to him.

Steven could only nod in response.

Then, as the door closed behind him, he heard the woman say to her husband, “That young man needs our prayers, Jack.”

“Then let’s pray,” her husband answered.

Three weeks later and Steven had never known this kind of fatigue before in his life. Even summers working the tour boat with his father with the sun beating down on his body, draining it of every last drop of water, weren’t this strenuous.

Dr. Lang had met with him in the hallway near the nurse’s station immediately following the caesarean. He brought more than just the good news that he was now a father. His daughter, the doctor informed him, needed to stay in the neonatal wing for a while. “She weighed in at just a little under five pounds, which isn’t the worst it could be, but still under where we’d like. And her lungs are weak,” he said. “I don’t expect you to remember all the details so I’ll just keep it at that.” The doctor peered over his glasses at Steven. “I can see the worry on your face, Mr. Granger. Don’t worry. She’ll get round-the-clock care from our specially trained medical staff.” He gave Steven a weak smile as his brows peaked in the middle. “We’ll take good care of her, I promise.”

Steven squared his shoulders and stretched his back, hoping to look older than the bare nineteen years he’d lived. “But she’ll be okay. I mean, she’ll make it.” He spoke the words as though it were and not as though it may not be.

“I don’t foresee any further complications,” Dr. Lang answered. “But I’m not God either, Mr. Granger.”

Steven understood. Clearly understood.

Dr. Lang tilted his head then. “Would you like to know how your wife is doing?”

Steven was startled by the question, knowing he should have asked that already. “Um . . . yes, sir. Of course.”

“She’s in recovery right now. And she’s going to hurt like the dickens when the anesthesia wears off. But she’s young and healthy, so she should do just fine. Before she leaves the hospital we’ll have some paperwork for you.”

“To sign?”

“No, Mr. Granger. To read. It will tell you everything you need to do for her.” He cleared his throat. “And not do.”

Even at nineteen, Steven understood.

Brigitte came home after a week. They were given a list of things to do and not to do. She wasn’t to drive for the next couple of weeks. She could shower but not take a bath. Even then, she had to be extra careful washing around the incision. Afterward she was to pat dry, then rub Neosporin over the wound. She was to take Tylenol for pain unless it became too great; then she was to take the medication prescribed by the doctor.

Brigitte never took the Tylenol, instead opting for the narcotics. The one time Steven made a comment about not wanting her to become addicted to something she’d soon run out of, she yelled at him. Steven didn’t understand what she was going through, she whined. If he ever had a scalpel cut him like a pig across his stomach, then he could say something.

Steven said nothing else about it after that.

Eliza stayed in the hospital five days longer than her mother. Every day, Steven was there to hold her and feed her. Not once did Brigitte go with him, even though the doctor had said she would be fine to do so. When Steven asked if she wanted to go, she shook her head, then turned her attention back to whatever she was watching on television.

For Steven, it was just as well.

On the third day of visiting his daughter alone, he was surprised to find his mother waiting for him at the entrance to the neonatal unit. She wrapped him in her thick arms, and in spite of his resolve to be ever the mature father, he cried. When he was done, he introduced his daughter to her grandmother.

Their bond was both instantaneous and unbreakable.

On the day he brought Eliza to the tiny apartment her mother and he called home, he found Brigitte lying on the sofa, watching her daily dose of
The Young and the Restless
. “We’re home,” he said in a near whisper.

“So I see,” she replied, then stretched out her arms and cooed, “Bring her to me.”

For a moment, Steven felt elated. Maybe, he thought, just maybe they would make it as a family. Maybe they’d one day find themselves out of this place and in a starter home. And years later, with a few more kids in tow, they’d build their dream house. Steven would be a successful businessman and Brigitte could stay at home . . . or continue working at the Estée Lauder counter at Dillard’s.