Chasing the Phoenix (19 page)

*   *   *

ONE HOUR
was not long for a convincing drinking party, but both Darger and Surplus felt it important that Powerful Locomotive be handed over to proper medical personnel as quickly as possible. Anyway, the Dog Pack had built up a reputation as hard drinkers that, though every bit as undeserved as their reputation as warriors, was widely believed throughout the camp. So, after crowding into Darger's tent and toasting the Perfect Strategist's return and health many times, it became possible for them to leave looking convincingly drunk.

Darger, who had but sipped from a single cup of wine and then set it aside, bade them farewell and then left to look in on his erstwhile traveling companions from the trip to Fragrant Tree to see if they had settled in well and ask whether they were in need of anything. That this would establish a whereabouts for him when Powerful Locomotive was discovered was anything but coincidental.

The Dog Pack, meanwhile, roved drunkenly through the camp. In the center of the group was Powerful Locomotive, held up on one side by Vicious Brute and on the other by Surplus. Since he was dressed in servant's clothing, a dish towel thrown over his head rendered him completely unrecognizable.

Staggering and reeling, the group made its way to the woods at the edge of camp. There, the males separated from the females and, with a certain amount of off-color badinage shouted back and forth, went off to pee en masse in the shrubbery. That service done (for they knew there would be investigators), Powerful Locomotive's body was laid down carefully in a bed of ferns not far away. Then, after a certain amount of trampling about, Vengeful Ox discovered the body. “Look!” he cried. “Over here! See what I have found!”

With shouts of amazement and cries for help, Powerful Locomotive was raised from the forest floor and carried hurriedly back to camp. Shortly thereafter, he was hospitalized and all was, for the moment, well.

*   *   *

SINCE IT
was established by multiple reliable testimonies that he was elsewhere at the time and nowhere near the woods in the hours leading up to the discovery of Powerful Locomotive's body, Darger was free to sit on the board of inquiry the next day. He was careful to take an active and impartial part in the questioning.

“We have heard testimony,” Darger said to Vicious Brute toward the end of the hearing, “that one of your number was so drunk he had to be carried. Yet no one seems to remember who. Do you have any comment?”

“Well, sir. It's possible that may have been me,” Vicious Brute admitted.

“No, you were seen holding this fellow up.”

“It might have been Vengeful Ox.”

“It was he who found the body.”

“Oh, that's right. I remember him shouting. But I don't remember passing out, so whoever it was, it probably wasn't me.”

“I see. No further questions.”

After lengthy deliberation, it was found that, unfortunately, all the milling about that the Dog Pack had done upon discovery of the badly beaten ceo had obliterated any physical evidence of how Powerful Locomotive had come to be lying in a bed of ferns, the number of his assailants, or anything else that might have proved useful for the investigators to know. So a finding of inconclusivity was declared.

Then Powerful Locomotive's physicians were called in.

There were five doctors in attendance upon the ceo. Four stood by silently while their chief, Cautious Graybeard, reported on his condition.

“Ceo Powerful Locomotive can be revived,” the doctor said judiciously. “But in cases like this, it often occurs that the trauma of revival will wipe all his recent memories from him. There are means of ensuring that he will awaken with his memory intact; however, they require his being maintained in a medical coma for at least a month. How important is it for you to know how he came to be beaten?”

“It is vital,” White Squall said.

Prince First-Born Splendor nodded judiciously. “Whoever dared raise his hand against the ceo must be found, questioned under torture, and then publicly executed in as vivid and memorable a fashion as possible. So that it may serve as a deterrent to future crimes.”

“I disagree,” Darger said. “The conduct of the war is more important than indulging our appetite for idle gossip. What does it benefit us to learn that the ceo had an assignation for deviant sex that went catastrophically wrong or was waylaid by the brother of a peasant woman he had violated, when it leaves us with no chief executive officer? We must revive Ceo Powerful Locomotive immediately.”

Off to the far corner of the tent, Capable Servant made an excited noise. All heads turned to face him. He blushed and said, “My sincerest apologies, great lords, for interrupting you. I had a good thought—but it was not worth interrupting your learned discourse. I shall say no more.”

“A good thought knows no rank,” First-Born Splendor said. “It arises where it will, even from the mouths of servants. Tell us your idea.”

“There is a woman, great prince, in a village outside the city of Brocade, known as the Infallible Physician. Her skill in medicine far exceeds that of any other doctor alive. Surely she will be able to revive Ceo Powerful Locomotive swiftly and with all his memories in pristine condition.”

“That is indeed a good thought, and I believe that we should act upon it,” First-Born Splendor said.

“Nevertheless,” Darger insisted, “that still leaves us leaderless. It is essential that we resurrect Powerful Locomotive immediately. Who else but he is capable of commanding our armies?”

“We have you—and are you not, after all, the Perfect Strategist? Have not all your schemes worked? I have complete confidence in your abilities,” said White Squall. Coloring slightly, she added, “I have seen you work miracles.”

“That is so,” First-Born Splendor said. “Further, you have won battles and taken cities without the loss of life. Such consideration of the Hidden Emperor's citizens to be is an admirable quality in a commander.”

“But—” Darger began.

Permanent Infrastructure leaped to his feet. “I propose that the Perfect Strategist be named acting chief executive officer by acclaim. Further, that upon our so doing, the decision be presented to the Hidden Emperor for his approval. Which I am certain he will not withhold. Lastly, that tomorrow, the Perfect Strategist shall take command of the armies and lead them into battle against the forces that are even now assembling to defend the Three Gorges capital city of Crossroads.”

As one, everybody but Darger rose to their feet, roaring approval.

*   *   *

WORD THAT
Darger had assumed command of the armies—the Hidden Emperor's approval was universally deemed a technicality—went through the camp in a flash. All the way back to his tent, he had to endure the fervent congratulations of those of high enough rank to dare offer them and cheers from the rank-and-file soldiers who knew better than to get too personal. He gave no outward acknowledgment of any of this, however. Which filled his wake with awed gossip about the greatness of his humility.

Once in his tent, however, he turned to Surplus and said, “Oh, bloody hell.”

“You should feel honored. In the military, a field promotion is the sincerest form of flattery.”

“Have you forgotten?” Darger said. “I am not a real strategist.”

“No, but you are something better—a man of penetrating intellect who has not been brainwashed by conventional wisdom. One who sees the world for the fraud that it is. You have proved yourself the natural superior of businessmen and royalty. Surely you can do the same in the sphere of military command?”

“I will not be consoled.” Darger accepted a cup of tea from an outstretched tray. “And you, Capable Servant!”

“Sir?

“It was rare good fortune that in the early part of your struggle, the lion's share of our blows fell on Powerful Locomotive, rather than you.”

“I am grateful that you think so, sir!”

“Suspiciously good fortune.”

“Oh! Sir! You would not suspect me of laboring to make the blows fall on the man I knew was an imposter and not the real me?” Capable Servant's expression was more sincere than any honest man's could be, and there was a twinkle in his eye.

“Of course not,” Darger said sourly.

 

9.

As the Drunken Sage commanded, Never offer to fight an opponent on level ground.

—
THE
SAYINGS OF THE
PERFECT
STRATEGIST

UNDER THE
new strategy, progress down the river was necessarily faster than it had been before because, rather than subjugate the towns and cities, the Hidden Emperor's forces simply bypassed them. Sometimes they marched directly through the smaller towns, whose inhabitants invariably fled from the terror of the Spider Corps and other nightmare weaponry from the distant past. By order of the Perfect Strategist, no looting was allowed, though much worth seizing was left behind. In this way their progress was not slowed by undisciplined behavior. Also, it was hoped that the citizens who returned to find their wealth unplundered would be more inclined to submit peaceably to the Hidden Emperor's rule after he had taken their capital.

Soon enough, all that stood between the invading forces and Crossroads was the massed military strength of Three Gorges, encamped before it.

On his first meeting with Powerful Locomotive's command staff, Darger could tell immediately from their expressions and body language that they were deeply conflicted in their feelings about him, in equal parts awed by his reputation and resentful of it.

Without preamble, Darger sat down at the map table and said, “I have been away. Tell me about the forces we will face.”

“To begin,” General Bronze Hammer said, “Three Gorges is a nation of wizards.”

“Wizards?”

“The central lands are highly developed in the biological sciences. Our soldiers being simple people from a provincial kingdom with no great prowess in genetic manipulation, we must take into account the fact they will have a superstitious fear of some of the enemy's weapons and tactics.”

“Such as?”

“Customarily, Three Gorges will begin a battle with a wave of gun apes. These are, as their name implies, apes whose intellect has been sufficiently elevated for them to handle firearms. Their natural sense of self-preservation, however, has been all but obliterated, rendering them fearless. They are not accurate shots at a distance, but they move swiftly and at close range can do great damage. The sight of them has been known to make ranks of otherwise reliable soldiers break and run.”

General Constant Temper said, “The standard response to such an attack is to set fires which will drive the gun apes back into their own forces. For this reason, it is desirable to place a brace of walking fire cannons in the vanguard.”

“Before we close with them, the enemy will try to soften us up with wasp bombs, which release a swarm of frenzied poisonous insects with a life span of less than a minute. Followed by flocks of venomous birds, which are programmed to fly straight and low in the direction they are pointed when released and then attack the nearest human face they see. These may both be countered by driving captured enemy troops ahead of the main assault,” said General Celestial Beauty. “Or by simply accepting that a certain mortality rate among our own soldiers is inevitable. Where our cavalry ride horses or mountain horses, the Three Gorges army also has heavy cavalry, mounted on giant ground sloths resurrected from Pleistocene fossils. Contrary to the image this may raise in your mind, the sloths are fast and powerful beasts, as large as elephants. They have enormous claws and when injured will commonly run berserk, killing dozens or even hundreds of soldiers before they can be brought down. These must simply be treated like any other hazard of war.”

“Also,” General Bronze Hammer said, “they have squads of
Yutyrannosaurus,
carnivorous feathered dinosaurs that thrived in the early Cretaceous and have only recently been re-created. They are not only superb saddle animals but famed for seizing soldiers in their great jaws and biting them in half, to the great detriment of their companions' morale. Luckily, there are fewer than a hundred of these monstrosities, for no truly effective defense against them has yet been devised.”

“All this is as I expected,” Darger said, “more or less. Now show me what your plan of battle looks like and I will tell you what improvements I wish made upon it.”

General Bronze Hammer gestured, and several subalterns swiftly placed colored markers upon the map in a semicircle before the city walls of Crossroads. “The head of the Three Gorges forces, Ceo Shrewd Fox, has a reputation as a wily and brilliant strategist. Yet in my opinion she is merely a jumped-up poseur, a fraud who came into her position of power by—” The general coughed embarrassedly. “Well. As you can see, her defensive position is of textbook orthodoxy. It is almost startling how unoriginal it is.”

Darger nodded in a manner that could be interpreted to mean almost anything.

“I hope I have not overstepped my authority in preparing an innovative response to these defenses. I meant no offense by it. I am aware that by the favor of the Hidden Emperor you have absolute say over—”

Darger made a small, impatient gesture with one hand: Go on.

“Hem. Yes. Well, as you doubtless know, the Spider Corps have proved particularly effective in disrupting cavalry. Therefore Ceo Shrewd Fox will be expecting us to use them to spearhead our attack. Similarly, the crushing wheels have previously been employed only late in the action. However, if we position the spiders behind our left flank, and the crushing wheels at the center…” Subalterns leaped to place more colored markers upon the map.

On and on General Bronze Hammer expostulated, explaining the order of attack in such fine-grained detail that Darger could follow only a fraction of what was said. Until at last he leaned back in his chair and said, “I await your judgment.”