Cheating to Survive (Fix It or Get Out) (28 page)

He sneered at her, removed his finger, and the melted liquid oozed out. He pinched her nipple to pull her up to a sitting position. “Tell me when you have ever felt so much Catherine.” He crushed harder, twisting it. “I make you feel, feel for days. Sore, unable to walk straight, unable to wear your bra without aching, unable to sit from the rawness of me smacking your ass. But you’re alive. You’re alive now, all because of me. And the throbbing makes you think of me, doesn’t it?”

She nodded.

“You think of me when you walk, as you dress, as you sit. I did that to you. I woke you up, but perhaps not enough. When the aching wears off so does the longing. For now on when I want you, you will drop what you’re doing and please me, Catherine.”

“Yes I promise, whatever you want, whenever you want. I want you, no one else. I’m here for you, take me now, I need this so bad. Please.”

“No.” He stepped back and licked his fingers. “You will leave now, but you will come when I want you.” He paced out of the room, entered his bedroom and slammed the door.

Chapter 42
Victoria

The crackling of the fireplace resounded over the soft lulls of music playing in the background. Aiden’s new pear and apple-scented candle ushered Victoria back to the days when her grandmother gathered fruit from the trees in her backyard and baked fresh pies during the idle summer days.

Aiden slipped the white cable knit sweater off Victoria’s shoulder and ran his finger over her lustrous skin. He leaned in and kissed her shoulder with his wine drenched lips. The scent of the wine mixed with pears and apples, and the heat from the fire, the comfort of his velvety cream-colored rug and her head resting against the lavish pillows that leaned alongside the brick fireplace ledge, sent Victoria’s thoughts to the bed and breakfast she found online one night when loneliness threatened to close in.

“We should go away,” he said.

“Away? Where?” Did he read her mind?

Aiden chuckled. “I didn’t get that far. I just meant it would be nice to spend a weekend away. A night even. Going to sleep, knowing you’ll be there in the morning, not having to worry if you’ve arrived home safely. Wake up with you in my arms, warm French toast breakfast with blueberries.”

Victoria sat up, knees pressed against her chest, and arms clasped around them. Aiden shifted his body and tilted onto his right shoulder to face her. His finger twirled over her knuckles and up under her sleeve.

“Did I say something wrong?” he asked.

“No not at all. I’m sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Of what?”

“Did you ever hear of the Light from the Lighthouse Inn?”

“No, what is it?”

“It’s this little bed and breakfast, in Montauk. Quaint yellow Victorian house, overlooks the water. Tall grasses, Adirondack chairs surrounded by giant coral-colored lilies. A large porch with tiny bistro tables to enjoy breakfast on, a dock several yards away leading to the peaceful water.”

Victoria paused, sensed his never shifting gaze from her. He did not interrupt, waited for her to finish, but what was she thinking? Why did she tell him this silly vision? She shared his longing but it was an impossibility, hopeless romanticism. She giggled, shook her head and sloped back into the pillow.

“What is it? Tell me.”

“Never mind, just babbling.”

“It didn’t seem like babbling to me, sounded more like an aspiration.”

“Well, there’s many things I want, but you can’t always get what you want.”

“Why not?” Aiden sat up and spun, his toes touching hers. “Let’s do it.”

“I can’t.”

“Next weekend, after Halloween.”

Victoria’s heart sank into a cavernous pit. It twisted and wrenched until the brie and raspberries churned in her stomach. Her face lost its rosy color, lost its spirit and intensity. She curled forward into a ball and closed her eyes.

“That sadness is back, I never know what to say. After all this time, I feel as if I speak from my heart, I say what’s on my mind, but it’s always wrong.”

“No Aiden, please. Your idea is wonderful. I want the same as…” She clenched her fist to avoid the tears. “I would like nothing more than to go away with you. That place I described is real. I often…I often dream of going there with you– ”

“So let’s go.” He placed both his hands on her knees. When she did not look up, he lifted her chin.

Victoria opened her lids and his green eyes pulled her to him as they always did. She dug her nails into her calves to fight the tears. “Next weekend– ”

“Yes, next weekend, let’s do it,” he interrupted.

“Next weekend…is mine and Ed’s 30th anniversary.”

Aiden released her chin, bent back and waited for her to finish.

“We have a party planned to celebrate the occasion. Forty-two people are attending. Green and orange balloons. Orange chrysanthemums will adorn the tables. A beef, a fish, and a poultry will be elegantly served.”

He blinked, but nothing more. His silence ripped through her like a frozen New York evening. She waited for his tender words, perfect words he always held, something pleasant and encouraging and something that would take the pain away. The pain of her dissolved marriage, the pain of throwing a charade of a party and feigning happiness, the pain of hurting Aiden like this. What did she have to offer him? A visit once or twice a week, brief and strained.

“I think that’s wonderful,” he finally spoke.

“Stop, don’t validate me.”

“I’m not.

“How can you be happy for me after what I’m doing to you?”

“Doing to me? What are you talking about?”

Victoria huffed. “What kind of relationship is this? It’s bad enough my marriage is a sham but how is this fair to you? Seeing and talking to me only when I can break away, then you sit there and you’re happy for me?”

“I am happy when you are happy.”

“I’m not happy, I’m a fake.”

Aiden swiveled around to sit next to her. “Victoria you don’t understand how happy you’ve made me. After my wife died, I thought I could never love anyone again like I loved her. I dated much to the urgings of my sons, but they were utter disappointments. Senseless, witless, lifeless beings. They thought objects made them happy. Their idea of fun was to drag me shopping with them when I wanted to show them the world.

I overlooked many of their faults thinking it was me being irrational, picky. I promised them excursions and adventures that we could share together and build into a life, but they couldn’t carry on a conversation with me, couldn’t keep up. There were no heated discussions on politics or religion as you and I have, no conversations on diseases and cures. I couldn’t even discuss stories of my youth growing up in my parent’s home upstate because they obviously lived in another world. One filled with wants and greed and possessions.

I gave up you know. Accepted this new position at the lab, threw myself into my work. I love it, of course but each night when I crawled into bed, alone, the ache didn’t dissipate.”

A sad countenance overtook him. A look she had never seen until now. She removed the tight grip around her legs and ran her fingers through his hair.

“Victoria, the day you walked into our auditorium you gave me hope.”

“Hope of what? Living half a life, having me only periodically? Don’t you think that kills me?”

“Stop, stop this right now. You’re not hearing me. I would rather have you sporadically than not at all. I’ll live this life forever as long as I know I can hear your sweet voice every day. As long as I know I can hold you in my arms again and again. Knowing you will call, you will be here in my home, seeing your face before me. You incredible laugh and feeling your hands upon me. I have never been happier. I love you, I love you, Vicki.” He fell back onto the couch, his head smacked the cushion.

She shuddered at the sound of her name. The way he spoke it. Then the realization of what he professed struck her. She felt the same, she always did, but refused to admit it to her co-workers. Or him.

In the past four months they never spoke these words. How did she let this ripen into such a mess?

“Tell me you feel the same, please say something, tell me I’m not dreaming.” Aiden begged.

She continued to wander off. How could she admit her love for Aiden with her anniversary quickly approaching? How was this fair to him, to anyone? This would only hurt Aiden more, give him false hopes. Cheating on Ed may have brought joy to her desolate life but it would surely end in misery, for all. Mostly for Aiden. He may say he enjoyed their current relationship but his words only trickled out to make her feel better.

She would not say it, she needed to think clearly, figure out what she wanted to do. Unable to look at his dejected face any longer, she rose, slipped on her shoes and strode to her coat hanging by the front door.

“Vicki, please, what did I do? I‘m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I was being selfish.”

She turned, coat half on, and shook her head. He was being selfish? Him? Punishment for her behavior clobbered her now. This make-believe fantasy was only an act on stage, a role-playing diversion and her leading man just got crushed.

“I’m sorry Aiden, I need time to think. Please give me some time, I beg of you.” With that, she retreated out the door and slammed it behind her. She dashed to her car, the harsh October gale ripped through her.

Chapter 43
Heather

Heather looked at Victoria’s miserable face. How did such happiness disintegrate? What a weekend.

“Heather, I’m really sorry.” Victoria said. “I thought for sure it was moving in that direction, there was every indication.”

“Maybe in
my
head but not his. Why do we take these misconceptions and turn them into something they’re not? He never wanted me. Well only for sex. I fell in love with him, what a fool.”

“You’re not a fool, you really felt love. It happens.” Victoria trailed off and searched the utensil display in the cafeteria. A doctor in a hurry, grabbed a fork, spilled several to the floor and left them there.

“At least he explained himself to you,” Catherine said. “That was nice.” Heather glared at her. As if her comment would make her feel better. “I just meant that he could have dumped you with no explanation and then you would be left wondering what went wrong, what you did.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Heather shouted.

“I didn’t say you did. I just meant that we tend to think it’s always us. There was no way to know he was still in love with his wife and trying to win her back. He should have told you from the beginning.”

“Yeah, well I’d like to see where that goes. It’s been a year and a half and she just renewed her lease for another year.”

“Maybe she’s doing it on purpose to punish him. Perhaps she has no intention of ever taking him back.”

Heather noticed Victoria still searching the room. “Are you okay, Victoria? Anything we can do?”

“No, I just need to think what I want to do about Aiden, and this big party in five days is not helping. Sara is so excited for some reason and now she’s bothering me about what shoes I’m wearing.”

“Do you love him?” Catherine asked.

Victoria’s gaze snapped shut, unsure which man she was referring to. But it didn’t matter. She twisted back toward Catherine. “I don’t think that’s relevant. It’s not about what I feel, it’s about what’s right. Right for both Ed and Aiden.”

Heather finished the last of her salad and shoved her plate away. “You’ve always put yourself last. Maybe you should try putting yourself first for a change.”

Victoria did not look up. Just pushed her stuffed filet of sole around.

“Well to make matters worse, I think I messed up with Mangle this morning before our meeting with Jean.”

Heather scowled. Was she serious? Catherine’s deranged relationship did not compare with the two of their broken hearts. Heather could feel the shattering of her heart once again. She thought of Nicolo and the memories they made, like snap shots thrown across a marble floor.

Maybe she didn’t love Silvatri, maybe it was just the feeling of being wanted and not ignored, someone paying attention to her, a man’s touch. Silvatri did resemble Nicolo in ways. Maybe she planted her love for Nicolo onto Silvatri. Wanted him to
be
Nicolo.

It would be strange not talking to him ever again but still seeing him in the hospital. Would he still sit next to her or avoid her and write his notes inside the patient rooms instead? Heather gulped the last of her water and then coughed, choking up the liquid. Then she started to laugh.

“What’s wrong?” Victoria asked.

“I just realized I can never go rock climbing again.” She bent forward knocking her head onto the table. “Shit.”

“Why not?” Catherine asked.

This time both Heather and Victoria stared her down. “How can I go anymore? I can’t even look at him. It’s so unfair. I love it and I was good at it.” She rested her head in her hands.

“Isn’t Dr. Bettman going to wonder why you stopped going?” Victoria asked.

“Probably. He didn’t know. Silvatri made me keep it completely sports related when I went. I was just a curious participant.”

“How could he not know? He must, how obvious could you be?”

“Silvatri hid it well. Tried not to talk to me too much when we climbed, waited until Richard drove away before we took off to the abandoned parking lot to have sex.”

“Are you serious?” Catherine wiped her lips on the napkin and threw it on top of her plate.

Heather tittered. “Now that I think about it, he was right. There was no romance, nothing progressed. We climbed together and he basically ignored me. Come to think of it, I spent more time talking to Richard at the place than him. After sex in my Jeep, he took off immediately, never let me inside his truck either. The conversations at work were less frequent. I thought he was being cautious, but he really just used me for sex. What an idiot.”

“What are you going to do now?” Victoria asked.

“Not climb anymore.”

“No I mean about—”

“Lance?” Heather pondered for a minute then looked at the two of them. “I have no idea, Silvatri was my out. Now I’m right back to where I started. There is no escape.” She nodded to Victoria, “What about you? Will you call Aiden?”