Cheryl: My Story (39 page)

‘I like it,’ I told him.

‘You do?’

I couldn’t help smiling, imagining Prince Harry in his bedroom blasting out 50 Cent, with Prince Charles shouting up the stairs, ‘Turn that noise off!’

Prince Charles then told me he enjoyed listening to classical and orchestral music, and went on to say he was also a big fan of ballroom dancing.

‘We all love watching
Dancing with the Stars
,’ he said, which was a surprise, and had me smiling again.

‘Derek is our favourite dancer, actually. Camilla and I would love to learn the Argentine tango. Maybe Derek could teach us?’

‘I’ll ask him if you like, I’m sure he’d love to.’

I was really enjoying myself. I completely lost myself in the conversation, in fact, and when Prince Charles told me that he enjoyed watching the ballroom dancing in some of the old movies, I totally forgot myself.

‘They don’t make them like that any more, Charles,’ I replied.

‘
Why
?’ I said to myself immediately afterwards, hearing the word ‘Charles’ hanging in the room.

Honest to God, I wanted to pull that whole sentence out of the air and put it back in my mouth! Lily was sitting across the room and I could feel her wanting to laugh, but Prince Charles was absolutely brilliant. He changed the subject again very skillfully, and didn’t draw any attention to my mistake at all. He spent an hour and a quarter with me in the end, and I left feeling really positive and excited about what we could achieve.

In fact, working with the Prince’s Trust and making music with Will were the only things that did inspire me at that time. Whenever I thought about the American
X Factor
I still felt absolutely nothing. It left me totally numb. Even thinking about the move to LA did nothing for me, although I had to start making arrangements.

I applied for passports for Buster and Coco, I started organising my clothes for the show and I went house hunting. I was looking at fabulous condos worth millions of dollars up in the Hollywood Hills. It should have been a real treat and a pleasure, but I felt no buzz whatsoever.

‘What are you doing driving around LA having your forehead photographed?’ Simon said to me one day.

I was really annoyed by that. It was his fault my American
X Factor
job was a big secret, and I was sticking to my side of the bargain and trying not to let the world’s press know that I was buying a home in LA.

There was speculation all the time about me being desperate for the job and wanting to ‘crack’ America, which was really irritating too, as it had never been an ambition of mine, ever.

‘Can’t you just make the announcement? You’re letting the press toy with me.’

Simon just laughed. In his world, he would send his ‘people’ to buy him a house and he couldn’t understand why I was doing all this myself, or why I even bothered to try to hide from the paps, which is how come I had my forehead photographed through a car window. To him the speculation simply added to the hype of the show and it was all fantastic publicity.

‘You’re mad, you know that, don’t you?’

I didn’t answer, because I always avoid letting Simon know when he’s right, and I thought he was spot on this time.

‘Yes,’ I thought to myself. ‘I think I am completely crazy.’

18
‘Cheryl, I know you’re laughing but this is really bad’

‘Good luck,’ Simon said. He was on the phone to me the day before I was starting work on American
X Factor
, in May 2011.

‘Thanks,’ I replied. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

I should have been so happy. I was about to start work on this massive show and Simon had made it sound like my dream job.

‘This is the perfect next step for your career,’ he told me. ‘And you’re so good at spotting talent.’

I hoped he was right. I wanted this job to be more about the talent and less about me, and from what Simon was telling me, that was how it was going to pan out. I wasn’t known in America. People didn’t know all about Ashley and the divorce. It was an opportunity for a fresh start and I should have been on cloud nine, but I felt dead inside, just as I had when the job was first given to me. There was not one spark of excitement, nothing at all. I wasn’t even particularly nervous. I’d picked out an outfit for the first day that I was comfortable with – purple trousers and an orange top – and I’d decided to have big hair. I felt ready to start, but that was about it.

It had been tough leaving England. I asked Ashley if I could see him, to say goodbye. He was apprehensive but agreed when I explained to him it was important to me. I thought it would be like laying my ghosts to rest before I went, something that would help me to move forward in my new life in America. I knew it would be painful, but something was telling me to do it, to make that final break.

I felt really nervous as I drove up to the house. I had not seen Ashley’s face for over a year, literally, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to react, especially as we were meeting in our old marital home, where he now lived. My heart fluttered as the front door opened, and when I saw Ashley standing there I felt so emotional. He took me by the hand and led me inside, calling me babe, just like I was still his wife. It was heartbreaking.

‘It’s like we’ve never been apart,’ I thought. ‘And I still love him.’

There was no awkwardness at all. It felt like I’d just been away from him for a few weeks. Ashley’s mam was there and I went to say hello to her before Ashley and I went and had a cigarette together, alone.

‘I’m moving to LA,’ I told him. ‘I’m doing American
X Factor
.’

‘WOW! I’m so proud! I knew you’d always do big things.’

His eyes were shining with excitement. He reacted the way
I
should have done, and I thought that was very sweet. Ashley looked skinnier than before and the house had a different smell about it, but apart from that, it was like time had stood still since we’d last been together.

‘I’m sorry for how it’s all turned out,’ he said, eventually. I wasn’t going to ask him any questions about the cheating because that wasn’t why I’d gone there, and I knew I wouldn’t get any answers.

I asked about his football instead, and told him how sad I’d felt when he won the Double and I wasn’t there with him.

‘I felt the same,’ he said. ‘I locked myself in the dressing room and cried afterwards.’

We also talked a bit about my malaria and the fact I hadn’t let him visit me.

‘That hurt a lot,’ he told me. ‘I was so annoyed.’

‘It’s partly why I wanted to see you. I wanted to explain. I wasn’t in my right mind and I wish I’d never done that.’

‘I really appreciate that.’

I was there for an hour or so, and Ashley asked me if I would come back the following week and say goodbye to his brother, Matthew, and sister-in-law, and Sue. I agreed, and when I arrived the next week he’d laid out nibbles and really made an effort. We played pool and it was a really enjoyable night. I was so happy to spend time with Sue again. We’d always got on really well and she still felt like family to me. They all did, and driving away was painful. I felt like I’d stepped out of a parallel universe. Ashley and I lived totally separate lives now, but in that house it was like nothing had changed.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt like I’d suffered a shock to my system. The same thoughts kept going round my head. How could we have said those vows and lost it all like that? We should have been going through life together, but we were missing out on so many big things in each other’s lives. It seemed so sad and pointless, and I felt bereft all over again.

‘Cheryl! Cheryl!’

I was standing on the pavement outside the Galen Center in LA on 8 May 2011, about to start my new job. I was in the purple and orange outfit, smiling and waving at all the photographers and film crews. It was literally just days since I’d seen Ashley and left England, but in that moment my old life seemed a million light years away. I was here, in LA, a judge on American
X Factor
. I still didn’t feel anything like excited, but I had made a commitment to this job and I was going to give it my best shot. I took a deep breath and went inside the auditorium.

I had no idea what I was letting myself in for, but I just did what I always did in these situations. ‘Do your best, that’s all you can do,’ I heard my mam’s voice saying in my head.

I introduced myself to LA Reid, one of the other judges, and he gave me a big smile and welcomed me warmly.

‘We’re waiting on the two divas,’ a member of the production team I knew from the UK
X Factor
whispered to me. ‘Both notoriously late.’

That meant Simon, of course, and Paula Abdul. I’d never met Paula before, and in fact she didn’t even know she was doing the show until the day before. Nicole Scherzinger and Steve Jones, the two presenters, were up on the stage, so I went over and said ‘hi’ to them. Steve was normal and friendly but Nicole was singing and dancing to her own songs, and I found that a bit crazy and odd.

‘Hi! Cheryl!’ She beamed. ‘SO good to see you again!’

I wasn’t sure the feeling was mutual. The first time I met Nicole was when she was performing on
The X Factor
in London.

‘Oh my God, Cheryl! You’re just as pretty in real life! I just heard your song on the radio!’ she had gushed. It was really embarrassing. Then she started singing ‘Promise This’ to me, and I swear to God the woman sang the whole song, to my face. It was just so awkward, and every time I stood next to her she started singing it again. I thought how that would be like me going up to Britney and singing the whole of ‘Baby One More Time’ in her face. Can you imagine how weird that would be?

‘Hi Nicole,’ I smiled, relieved that this time she was too occupied with singing her own songs to start on mine.

As I walked off the stage, Richard Holloway, the
X Factor
’s executive producer who I’d worked with for years at home, came up to me.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.

‘I’m getting there,’ I replied honestly, meaning that I’d got through the press, met LA Reid, Nicole and Steve, and was about to meet Paula.

She and Simon appeared minutes later, and Paula was really lovely and seemed genuinely pleased to meet me. I had a good feeling about her, but Simon was acting like a weirdo, puffing out his chest as we went through to a holding area, where the contestants were waiting nervously.

‘Good luck to all of you,’ Simon said. ‘We’re looking for stars …’ It was the same spiel I’d heard him say countless times in the UK, but something was different. He seemed more arrogant than ever, and he began speaking quite rudely to the contestants as he told them what to do and where to go next.

‘Are you OK?’ he said to me briefly. ‘Yes,’ I replied, because I felt absolutely fine. I was just thinking to myself, ‘I’m not sure
you
are.’

That first day of auditions went well. I put my work head on and got on with it. ‘It’s just like the UK auditions but with American accents,’ I said to Lily at the end of the day. ‘I’ve enjoyed it, actually.’

Even though I still didn’t feel particularly thrilled by the whole thing, I was pleased I’d got off to a good start. Quite unexpectedly, Simon strode up to me, chest puffed out again, and told me in no uncertain terms: ‘The crazy hair goes tomorrow’, before turning on his heels and walking off.

‘What’s all that about?’ I thought.

He called me later that night to make the same point again. ‘The crazy hair goes tomorrow and you need to be more yourself.’

I was really annoyed now. ‘What happens to your f****** hair, and when do you start being
yourself
?’ I retorted.

I had already planned what I was wearing for the second day of auditions – a cream sleeveless top and dark trousers – and I decided to have my hair plaited loosely on one side, because that’s what suited the outfit. I had no idea if Simon would like it or not, but quite frankly I didn’t care what he thought. Nobody had told me he’d suddenly become a fashion expert.

I enjoyed myself more on day two, and I forgot about Simon’s comments. There was a great atmosphere in the auditorium and I felt a connection to the audience, and to the contestants. Simon seemed fine, so I assumed he’d just been a bit stressed on the first day.

There was a break of a few days after the LA auditions, which suited me as it meant I could go to the Cannes Film Festival for L’Oréal, as they’d asked me to walk the red carpet for them.

Before I left, Richard Holloway came up to me and asked, ‘Who do you think we should have as judges in the UK?’

‘I don’t know. Who are your options?’

He gave me a few names and I gave my opinion. I was just going ‘yes, no, yes, yes …’ It was just like that. I knew Simon valued my opinion, so this wasn’t an odd conversation.

I was looking forward to Cannes, and when I got there my red carpet moment turned out to be one of the most memorable ever, for an unexpected reason.