Chet & Floyd vs. The Apocalypse: Volume 1 (17 page)

Chapter 41

Twelve hours later, F
loyd walked out of his house and down the steps. He fell after stepping on a lump at the bottom of the stairs.

“Ouch
,” the lump said. Floyd noticed the lump sounded an awful lot like Chet.

“What the hell are you doing here Chet?
Have you been sleeping out here all night?”

Chet rubbed the side that Floyd stepped on and sat up.
“I was going over to see Zukov, and I didn’t make it very far. I didn’t want to go home, so I just stayed here.”

Sue walked out the front door and came down the steps.

“She stayed here all night?”
Chet said.

“I did, but you knew that already since you’ve been guarding the door all night long.
You’re the reason your friend got lucky. I could see you from inside and didn’t leave because I thought you were waiting to slit my throat,” Sue said.

“I would never do that!”
Chet said.

“He does have a odd sort
of morality that would prohibit such an action,” Floyd said, sticking up for his friend. “He wouldn’t harm you.”

Sue raised an eyebrow at him.
“Whatever,” Sue said. “We have to go to work.”

“She
’s got you on a tight leash already,” Chet said.

“No.
I can just tell time you asshole,” Sue said.

“My feelings!”
Chet said. A look of anguish crossed his face. “You’ve wounded me deeply. I demand a three part apology. And a heartfelt one!”

“Let’s just get going
,” Floyd said. The three of them went to cross the street. A flatbed truck was crossing the road, full of workers for the day.

Chet pushed Sue in front of the passing vehicle.
Her head hit the front bumper and exploded in a spray of brains and bits of skull.

“Sue!”
Floyd yelled. “What the hell Chet?” He punched Chet in the temple knocking him unconscious. Then he ran over to Sue, who was very much dead. The crowd filled in around them.

The
community’s security ripped into the scene and took Chet. The shoved him into their car and drove off.

It was two days before Floyd finally became calm
enough to stomp off to the government building to see Zukov. Floyd had gotten in by telling the front office that he was congratulating Zukov on his victory.

Zukov’s office was a small one, but Zukov was a small man.
His squat stature made Floyd think of Gimley from
Lord of the Rings
. He looked at Floyd grimly as he entered the room.

“I thought you would be showing up here eventually
,” Zukov said in a gravelly voice. “That psycho Chet kept saying you would be here to avenge him.”

“Avenge him for what?”
Floyd said.

“I’m having him killed in a week.
Executed.”

“For killing that girl?”

“That would have been reason enough, yes.
But I have several more. That guy came in here like a tornado on election night,” Zukov said. “My door almost ripped off its hinges. He was screaming that he was going to kill me. I could have taken him captive immediately that night if I’d wanted too.”

“He’s harmless.
He doesn’t think before he speaks.”

“
He wasn’t so gentle with that girl Sue, now was he? And he wasn’t so harmless at that riot. I don’t think he even knows how many people he killed. I saw what he did,” Zukov said. “I don’t need a nut like that in this community. He didn’t kill me then, but I know he will in the future. He’s a loose cannon and a criminal. He dies.”

“He was here that night?
He told me he wasn’t,” Floyd said.

“He threatened to kill me.
I’m the leader of this community,” Zukov said.

“He’s my friend.
What if you left him in my custody? We will leave quietly and never come back here. You have my promise on that.”

“Your promise means nothing to me.
I don’t know who you are, and I’ve been toying with the idea that I should have you put to death as well. I’m just glad the community isn’t in your hands. I can only imagine what things would have been like if the vote turned out your way.”

“I’m pretty pissed off at him for killing my girl, but I’m not going to let you kill my friend
,” Floyd said.

“I thought you would say that.
There seem to be no surprises for me today,” Zukov said. “I see no reason to kill you. You keep very irrational friends, but you seem rational enough to me. I cannot let you go though. Even rational people can get irrational when their friends are concerned.”

Six men walked into the room.
Floyd didn’t struggle as they tied his arms behind his back and took his weapons. “You are going to be in my custody until the execution is over. He’s been going nuts in his cell and screaming for you, so I’m going to put you together. I don’t see any harm in that. After he’s put to death, you will leave my community quietly. If you come back here, I don’t have to tell you what will happen to you.”

The men shoved Floyd out the door and took him down the hallway to Chet’s cell.
It was all bars on the outer wall. No privacy from the guards who kept watch over the prisoners twenty-four hours a day. Chet was sitting on one of the beds.

“Hello Floyd
,” he said.

Floyd was shoved roughly into the cell.
The bar door slide home with a loud clang. “How nice of you to join me in my final days.”

“Why did you kill he
r?” Floyd said.

“I don’t know if I should tell you, Floydarookins
,” Chet said. “You knocked me out cold with that punch. My head still hurts from it. You know I always have a good reason for things.”

“
Just because you always have a reason doesn’t mean it’s a good one. Spill it.”

“Whether it’s good or bad is all determined by the audience.
I can see how you, as her boyfriend, would have seen what I did as reprehensible. It was nothing of the sort. I did kill her, but I did it for you.”

“Keep talking, but pick up the speed
,” Floyd said. “If I don’t hear something good soon, they won’t have to wait a week to kill you. I’ll take care of that myself.”

“Indeed
,” Chet said. “Have a seat, and I will speak to you about love.”

Chapter 42

“Now I don’t have to really explain anything to you at all. I could just tell you to go to hell and that would be the end of it,” Chet said.

“You pushed my girl in front of an oncoming truck, and you don’t have to explain anything to me?”
Floyd said.

“How quickly you forget things Floyd.
Soon I will have to check you into a nursing home and let you convalesce, you senile fiend. It was you, you remember, who most recently shot and killed my girlfriend in cold blood when we were down in that basement. That was not so long ago now was it?” Chet crossed his arms and looked haughtily at Floyd. Floyd had actually forgotten about that. He was momentarily distressed, but that was not enough to stop his determination.

“You
’re actually talking about your ex-girlfriend who sold us down the river. Those guys must have watched
The Deer Hunter
one too many times. Who plays Russian roulette now? I’ve always said that nothing good was to come from that movie.” Floyd said.

“It’s still a girlfriend for a girlfriend
,” Chet said.

“You can’t go all Old Testament on me Chet.
I don’t buy it. You know as well enough as I do all that Biblical law went out the window when God sent his son Jesus to die on the cross. Don’t be an idiot.”

“I might have to die here Floyd, but I don’t want to have a theological discussion with you right now.”

“You’re just trying to aggravate me,” Floyd said. “What’s the real reason?”

“I want to talk to you about love Floyd
,” Chet said. “I love you very much, in a very non-physical platonic kind of way. Just as Sue died for you, I would do the same.”

“She didn’t die for me.
You pushed her in front of a truck.”

“And for that you owe me your life Floyd.
I saved your life that day. Just through someone else.” Chet said this and nodded to Floyd like it was the simplest thing in the world.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about
,” Floyd said.

“You always stand so close to the road Floyd.
You stand too close. When I was a boy I was taking with my parents, and we saw a large decorative rock shoved inwards into the sidewalk. At some point a car had crashed into that rock. My parents told me that that’s why you don’t stand right on the edge of the walk. A car can very easily roll over onto the curb and take you out.

I have since then listened to their reasoning and keep my person at a very safe distance from the side of the road.
Or, at least before the world went kaput with the Big Death. Seeing that truck rambling down the road brought all those feelings and memories rushing into my mind. I looked over and there you were. Totally unsafe standing on the edge of the street. You could have been killed Floyd.”

“That truck was
nowhere near me.”

“That would have been the last thing you thought.
Right before your body blasted into a hundred pieces all over the truck’s hood,” Chet said. “Anything could have happened. I had to think fast.”

“So you shoved my girl across the street into the truck’s path.
Was that how you helped me?”

“I would lay down my life for you
,” Chet said.

“You murdered somebody!”

“Not if you see it my way. I just laid the proper person’s life down for you. If Sue wasn’t there, I would have taken that moment to plunge myself in front of that truck and died just as she did. I would have done that for you Floyd. We’re best friends. Would you have given your life up for me?”

“I guess so
,” Floyd said.

“Thank you Floyd.
That means a lot,” Chet said. Tears were welling up in his eyes. “I was going to jump across that street and ram myself into that truck for you.”

“
That’s just the thing,” Floyd said. “That truck was nowhere near me. I may have been right at the edge of the street, which I agree is not safe, but that doesn’t mean that every passing car is going to jump the curb and strike me down. That guy who hit the stone in that story from your youth was probably drunk at the wheel the night before.”

“I had to think fast Floyd
, and there are no second chances.”

“There were people all over those sidewalks getting ready to be picked up for work.
No one was in danger.”

“Are you going to let me finish?
I am the one on death row here,” Chet said. He waited until Floyd nodded dejectedly. “I had to think fast, and I would have flung myself in front of that truck, but I had a moral dilemma. I wanted to jump, but there is a hierarchical rule for the laying down of life.”

“You’re going to have to remind me of that rule.”

“If you’re in a situation where you have to lay down you life for someone and you’re in a group, you have to be the person highest on the hieratical laying down of the life ladder. Let’s say a child is drowning in the water and there are several adults around who can save him. An adult could save the child by bolstering him up with their body. They would drown but the child would live.

“
Now here’s where the hieratical rule comes into play. Let’s say the child’s mom, dad, eldest sister and older brother were there. Which one of them trades their life for him?”

“That’s a theoretical question
,” Floyd said.

“No
,” Chet said. “There is no question that the father is the one who should die.”

“Not true.”

“Very true. By following the hieratical laying down of life, heretofore known as the HLDOL rule, the father would die. Listen, the eldest sibling trumps the youngest. And the mother trumps both the children. However, the father trumps the mother. Chivalry is not dead Floyd. The father is the highest on the ladder according to the HLDOL rule, and he should be the one who makes the trade.”

“So you’re saying…”

“Girlfriend trumps best friend. Sue died so that you could live. I would have done it myself, but with her there, my hands were tied. She had to be the one to go.”

“She didn’t lay down her life for me.
You pushed her,” Floyd said.

“She
—and you know I would never disapprove of your choice of girlfriend Floyd—wasn’t the brightest bulb in the light bulb drawer. She didn’t think fast enough, so I helped her. I helped her lay down her life for you. That is the highest demonstration of love. She loved you Floyd.”

“You are the most messed up person I know
,” Floyd said. “Somehow this all makes sense in your head, and I must be just as messed up because I can follow your logic. But I must insist that I was never in any danger whatsoever.”

“It’s all in how you see it Floyd
,” Chet said.

“What if there’s a grandparent in the water too?”
Floyd asked.

“The dad still drowns
,” Chet said. “Unless the grandparent has some old person disease and will die soon anyway, or if they say something to the effect of ‘I have already lived a full life,’ or something like that. I must admit there is some grey area in those types of situations, but not in ours. Girlfriend trumps best friend every time. If the best friend dies while the girlfriend looks on, that puts a real strain on the relationship because the girlfriend knows she should have died, and the guy cannot trust her anymore. Usually ends the relationship within a couple weeks.”

Floyd thought this all over for a couple minutes.

“I think the only thing that’s saved you this time is the fact that I only knew her for about twenty hours,” Floyd said. “Otherwise this would have been a deal breaker.”

“I admit I may have been a little hasty.”

“You shoved her like ten feet.”

“Maybe a little bit more than a little bit hasty, okay?”
Chet said. “I have always been a man of action Floyd, and I make no apologies for that.”

“I feel that I need to make a new rule for our friendship.
Pay very close attention. I don’t ever want you to kill another one of my girlfriends over the HLTDTLH or whatever rule.”

“The HLDOL rule
,” Chet said.

“Whatever
,” Floyd said. “Let’s just make sure you don’t do that. And, I would like to add, for any other rule or moral anything. Don’t kill any more of them. Got it?”

“Got it.
Sorry Floyd,” Chet said.

“Lord help me.
It’s okay,” Floyd said.