Choice Theory (24 page)

“But I feel so frustrated. I know what you’re saying makes sense, but I want him to make a commitment now.”

“Tina, you don’t know what I’m saying makes sense. You’re stuck in external control psychology, in wanting him to change. If you knew what I’m saying makes sense, you wouldn’t be frustrated. Choice theory people don’t get so frustrated. They focus on doing what’s best now and know that the only people they can
control are themselves. You keep thinking,
What can I do that will change him?
You’ve given yourself an impossible task. That’s why you’re frustrated.”

“Are you telling me that even though I’m in love with Kevin and he acts like he loves me, I can’t do anything about what he does? He can just go his merry way and I have to put up with it?”

“No, not at all. You can do a lot of things. You can choose to depress, anger, rant, rave, threaten, see other guys, drop him, get sick, do the Ophelia thing and go crazy. I explained all this to you months ago when we were talking about how people mess up their lives. And if you choose any of these things, you’ll mess up yours. Do you want to do that? Or do you want to take a good look at where he and you as a couple stand in your quality world right now? You know about the quality world; here’s a good chance to use what you know. What is your picture of you and Kevin?”

“I told you. I see us happily married. I see a home, a little family, the things I’ve wanted all my life.”

“That’s a wonderful picture, but it’s a future picture. I’d like you to take another look. Where are you and Kevin right now, today, in your quality world? Try to forget marriage for a moment and tell me what’s your present picture, the picture that tells you right now you love him.”

“I see us loving each other, having a good time, getting along well. Laughing, talking, sharing what we feel with each other. All the things we used to do.”

“Used to do?”

“No, not used to do, I don’t know why I said that. We still do; that hasn’t changed.”

“Good, those are great pictures. When are you going to see him again?”

“We’re planning to spend this weekend together.”

“Are you looking forward to it? Honestly?”

“To be honest, yes and no. We get along great, but then there’s always some tension. He says something or I say something.”

“About the future?”

“Sort of. I guess it’s what he doesn’t say. And then I say something, you know. And then I get a little dissatisfied and I sulk a little and then he withdraws a little. It doesn’t ruin the weekend, but I’d rather it didn’t happen.”

“It doesn’t have to happen. You don’t have to say what you say.”

“Of course, it doesn’t have to happen. But how can I help it? I keep thinking,
Here we are, but where are we?
I get all bottled up and it happens. My God, I’m a human being, do you want me to stop feeling?”

“I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to be aware of what you’re choosing to do.”

“I knew it; I knew you’d harp on that
choosing
crap. What about him?”

“You know you can control only what you do. You said you love him.”

“I do love him, but we’re not going anywhere.”

“OK, say you’re an actress in a play. You love a guy who says he loves you but he can’t marry you. A while ago he promised to marry someone else, but he doesn’t love her. And there are complications; the family business is tied up with her father’s business. If he backs out now, her father will ruin his family’s business. And ruin not only his future, but also his father’s, his brother’s, and a lot of other people’s. Her father is a ruthless man. Your lover can see you secretly, but in six months he has to marry the one he doesn’t love. He says, ‘Let’s keep seeing each other, I can’t live without you. If things don’t change, we’ll kill ourselves.’ The play has you killing yourselves with pills, but in the end as her father gets the news, the audience sees the stricken look on his face as the curtain falls. It’s so tragic; the audience is in tears. They applaud. What do you think of that part?”

“I love it. I’d love to play it.”

“You don’t mind giving up the future for love in a play, so why do you mind it so much in real life?”

“Because it’s stupid. I don’t want to be dead, I wouldn’t even want him to be dead. If he loved me, he’d kiss her good-bye and
take a chance. He doesn’t owe his family his happiness, his future.”

“So what would you do in real life if Kevin told you, ‘I don’t know if I’m ever going to be ready to marry you?’”

“I’d be miserable, I’d cry, I’d be devastated.”

“But?”

“But I certainly wouldn’t kill myself if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Is there anything to stop you from dropping him now, this weekend? To have a beautiful, totally loving weekend and then say good-bye when he drops you off at your apartment.”

“If I had a beautiful loving weekend, why would I say goodbye?”

“Because you’re scared that’s all there’s ever going to be. That’s what you’ve been telling me since we started to talk.”

“But I don’t know, it might still work out.”

“That’s right, that’s exactly right. You can’t predict the future. But if you had a beautiful, loving weekend or you had a tense weekend, which weekend would give you the best chance for a future together?”

“But what if after a great six months, I come to the conclusion there isn’t going to be any future?”

“Then tell him. Tell him the truth. Tell him, ‘Things have been great, but now I want more.’ It will be the truth. But here’s the hard part. Make sure you are ready to drop him if he can’t give you some kind of a commitment. He has no right to try to control your life any more than you have to try to control his. Six months you can deal with, especially if you know that’s your limit. Let it go longer, and you’ll make yourself into a basket case.”

“It’s up to me, isn’t it?”

“It always is. That’s choice theory—it’s up to you. He knows how you feel; you’ve made that clear to him. If he loves you enough and you stop bugging him and try to get closer than you ever have, it may work out. The more you pout, the more you try to force him, the more he’ll wonder, I’m not sure I want to marry a woman who tries to control me. Show him you are in control of
yourself. He knows what you want. If he can’t deal with it, he’s not for you. If he’s so weak you can force him into marriage, it’s not going to work anyway. It might last long enough for you to have a child or two to raise on your own.”

“I know you’re right. But I don’t think I can do it.” “What can you do that’s better? This is one of those times in your life when, as much as you want something, maybe you’re not going to get it. But at least you’ll know that you did the best thing. You didn’t nag him or try to force him. You gave him time. I can’t see that there is anything more you can do. Do you want to keep hanging on and nagging or waiting until he asks, knowing he may never ask? It’s tough. Choice theory is tough. But you have a much better chance with it than just nagging and waiting. You’ll hate yourself if you wait too long and nothing happens. If anything is going to happen, doing what I suggest has the best chance. There has to be a cap on this thing. And you have to put it on.”

Our conversation helped Tina to see that she had some control, and she made a plan. There is a lot of security in a plan; there’s a sense of control, it’s what
you
can do, not what he can do. She stopped sending the promise-to-marry-me message. They got along great for the next three months. She concentrated on having a good time with him, did not try to force him into anything; she let the future go, and the tension stopped. He had a chance to see what life with her could be all about. After about three months, they had the following conversation.

“You haven’t said a word about marriage. Have you changed your mind about it?”

“I’ve decided not to talk about marriage anymore. Is that all right with you?”

“Aren’t you interested in marriage anymore?”

“Kevin, I don’t plan to talk about it. I certainly don’t ever plan to ask you to marry me if that’s what you’re waiting for.”

“What if I don’t ask you?”

“Then I guess we’ll never get married.”

“It’s great the way you’ve been, but I can’t believe you’re just going to keep being this way.”

“I’m not going to keep being any way. I’m enjoying the way we are now. I’ll tell you when I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“When will that be?”

“I don’t know, but as soon as I know I’ll tell you.”

This is how Tina began to learn to use choice theory in her life. Kevin wondered why she had stopped nagging, and she taught him some choice theory. He was very interested, especially in the idea that she had no intention of ever trying to force him to do anything he didn’t want to do. There was to be as little nagging, criticizing, blaming, or complaining as she could manage. It was hard, and she would have relapses, as do all recovering external control psychology people. She said that she could not control his behavior, only her own, but if they were to have a future, she wanted it to be a choice theory future. She reminded him how much happier they were since she gave up external control. Obviously, this is the time to give up external control psychology, not after an unhappy marriage and, perhaps, a divorce. Kevin and Tina got married and, with the help of choice theory, their relationship continues strong.

What they are doing now, which is the core of a choice theory marriage, is thinking before they do anything that may lead the other to choose to move away. There are only two ways people move away from each other: They resist or withdraw, fight or flee. To prevent fight or flight, which is the beginning of the end of any relationship, whenever they have a problem, they ask themselves,
If I say or do this right now, will it bring us closer together or will we end up further apart?
And they do not engage in nagging, criticizing, complaining, or put-downs to try to control the other person. Even those who have used external control psychology all their lives are well aware that these all-too-common behaviors harm any relationship. If we want to stay close, we do not have the luxury of using them.

What Tina and Kevin have done is form a solving circle. Inside that circle, described in chapter 5, they no longer try to change the
other; everything they choose to do is based on how it will affect their marriage. They talk everything over, and if something has any chance of harming their marriage, they don’t do it. As a married couple, they now know that it is no longer how what one spouse says affects the other, it is how it will or could affect the marriage.

This doesn’t mean Tina and Kevin have no disagreements. It means that they have a tool to deal with disagreements before they escalate into separating them from each other. They understand that when they make a choice in favor of the marriage, it may not necessarily be the choice either of them would make for himself or herself if they were not married. But they are married, it is a reality, and it is not the same as being single. But they also work hard to understand each other’s need for a life outside the marriage. There are obvious sexual and social restrictions on that life, but within those restrictions they do not have to be Siamese twins. Each will bend over backward not to restrict the other from having a life separate from the marriage to the point of encouraging each other to do so.

For example, Kevin is an avid runner; every day, rain or shine, he needs to run. Tina is interested in the theater; she needs time to do her community theater work. They have agreed to give each other that time, and it works fine. He runs, she acts, and neither has to fear that the other disapproves. Since success in life is dependent on good relationships, they have learned to apply choice theory to their lives outside the marriage, and it has been effective there, too. Kevin is much more successful as the school disciplinarian using choice theory, and Tina is more successful using it with the students in her drama classes. With choice theory and the solving circle, they feel free to talk to each other about anything anytime because they have agreed that the marriage takes precedence over what each wants individually.

I am sure that many of you may have a few
Yes buts
to add to the rosy picture I have painted of this marriage. You may think it is too ideal, that with no conflict they will soon get bored and fall out of love. If much of the joy of an external control marriage is
making up after a fight, a choice theory marriage lacks that pleasure. Choice theory does not guarantee a wonderful marriage; it guarantees a way to deal with the problems that will come up in the best marriages. If a good marriage goes sour, it is much more often because one or both partners have reverted to external control psychology than because getting along well together is so boring.

We should never forget creativity. It is the best antidote to boredom that humans have yet discovered. Most of us fear being creative because we are afraid that something new will be criticized, a common practice in an external control relationship in which one or the other partner is always looking to find fault. Couples who have moved to choice theory have no such fears. Because of the freedom in the relationship, they are always willing to try to enlist their creative systems anytime things begin to get stale or predictable. They are not afraid to talk about doing new things both together and separately. The circle provides a safe place to be creative.

To keep long-term sex satisfying, the couple must have the freedom to communicate without fear. If they can’t talk, how can they solve the usual sexual problem of a lasting marriage, which is always some variation of
Let’s do something a little different the next time we make love
? Even in a good marriage, sex, like any other repetitive behavior, easily gets stale. If the couple does it when they are tired, without consideration of what the other wants, and without agreeing on the preliminaries or if they believe that married sex can’t be exciting, sex starts to fade away. Our genes have provided us with one of the most enjoyable of all opportunities, but many couples are unable or unwilling—it’s really the same thing—to take advantage of this opportunity.