Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1) (17 page)

The next day was full of all kinds of activities that we participated in with the group. We seemed to be accepted by default. Even the social hierarchy that was prevalent at school didn’t exist here. The playing field was level. It must have been the “love thy fellow man, if he looks like you” church attitude radiating down from on high. By on high, I meant Pastor Ben, not God.

For once, I wasn’t even picked last.

“Hey guys, let’s get washed up for dinner,” Pastor Ben said as our volleyball game came to a quick and decisive end with the spike from our six-foot-three center. We all headed up to the ranger station to wash up. The sense of camaraderie, of a brotherly friendship, a brotherly love, lasted for most of the night.

But as we know, all good things must come to an end.

While we were sitting around the campfire, Bobby told a ghost story, intending to frighten us, but that wasn’t the scariest part of the night. One of the other boys, Dale Parks, tripped on a branch in the dark on his way back from the bathroom and landed on Karl, knocking him flat with Dale sprawled precariously on top of him.

“Hey!” Karl shouted at the bewildered Dale while Bobby pulled the boy off of him. “What are you, some kind of fag?”

Of course, I doubted that Karl thought the boy was gay, but he was embarrassed and humiliated by having this guy on top of him. I suspected maybe he was a little aroused by the way Dale had moved against him in an attempt to extricate himself.

“Shut up, of course I’m not a fag. I tripped, you asshole,” Dale retorted, his flushed face perfectly illuminated by the firelight. He started toward Karl, and it looked like even though he was smaller, he intended to punch him. Bobby got up and pulled Karl behind him.

“Hey, it was an accident, right? Let’s just calm down,” Bobby said, putting a hand up to caution Dale from taking things any further. Another boy stood up. I didn’t know his name, but his face was alight with mischief and excitement.

“Speaking of fags, did you guys hear about Ray Andrews over in Dalton? Jimmy goes there, and he was just telling us.” He spoke quickly, indicating a grinning, mousy, sandy-haired boy at his feet. The rest of the boys stopped what they were doing to listen. Even Karl and Dale backed off and gave the story their attention. “He got caught jacking off in the locker room after gym. Apparently, he liked the sight of all the naked guys.” A collective sound of shock arose from the enraptured group. “Yeah, Jimmy said the kid’s parents were so ashamed that they pulled him out of school. They’re gonna send him to a special school for queers, try to cure him.”

“Goddamn fags,” Bobby said, sitting back down. “They should all just get AIDS and die, burn in hell like they deserve.” The matter-of-fact way in which he said it, the automated, programmed response coming from someone who, until minutes before, I might have considered a friend, made me sick. The worst part was when I looked over and saw Jamie nodding right along with them. As I caught his eye, he gave me a meaningful look, and I started to nod too. Of course we had to nod, of course we had to agree, to belong. Just as soon as I could safely do so, I excused myself from the group and went back to our tent. Jamie and I didn’t so much as kiss before going to bed; we just couldn’t take the risk.

The next morning, Jamie and I packed in silence. I had never been so relieved to be going home. Richard and Carolyn may have been foster parents, but I always felt safe with them. One wrong step with the brainwashed zealots, and we could have found ourselves drowning in that river. After that boy was tied to a fence in Wyoming, anything could happen to us.

Anything.

“B
RIAN
,
I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow; have you decided what you want for your birthday dinner?” I was startled out of my musings and looked up as Carolyn continued frying chicken for supper.

“I hadn’t really thought about it. Whatever you want is fine with me,” I told her, somewhat distracted. Earlier in the week, Jamie had also asked about my birthday, only he had asked about a gift.
What more can I want for my birthday than him?
And then it came to me. I knew exactly what I wanted from Jamie for my birthday.

“Carolyn, can we have tacos?” I asked her, knowing that tacos were something very fast and easy to make and eat. I’d be able to get out of the house and over to Jamie’s for the night. Neither Jamie’s parents nor the Schreibers would take issue with me wanting to spend my birthday with my best friend. Only, they could not know what I was going to ask him to give me for a present.

“Sure, Brian, thanks for making it easy for me,” she said with a smile. “Want something quick because you have a hot date?” I almost choked on the soda I was drinking. With effort, I managed not to spew it all over the table.

“No, actually, I was planning to hang out with Jamie,” I told her in the most casual tone I could conjure.

“You spend a lot of time with Jamie, I notice, to the exclusion of anyone else.”

Well, if that wasn’t a perfect opening.
Why am I so terrified of taking it?

Carolyn put a large silver cover over the frying pan she was using for the chicken, set the tongs down on the plastic spoon holder next to the stove, and came over to sit down at the table across from me. Her expression was kind as she watched me fidget in my seat. It was almost like she knew I had something to tell her, but she didn’t prod or pressure me; she just waited. I stared at the table, the shiny polished surface reflecting the light from the setting sun shining in through the back door.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” I said with a sigh, not looking up.

“I might get upset, I might get angry, but you know I’ll still care about you, right?” she asked, dipping her head down to catch my eye. I nodded. Intellectually, I knew that was true, but it didn’t make me any less afraid to tell her. I was definitely not ready to be “outed” yet, to be forcibly removed from the safety of my closet where it was nice and dark and comfortable. Everything I needed was there: my dignity, the respect of my foster parents and friends, and Jamie’s love.
What will happen when the door of that closet is opened, with or without my permission, and a bright light is shined on my life, on my relationship with Jamie?
Even though I was only telling her, it felt like I was exposing everything in that closet to the world. Richard had already suspected before he’d brought me into his office to talk. Carolyn would be the first person I had consciously chosen to tell. It was a huge distinction in my mind, and a deep line in the sand that felt like a chasm.

I took a deep breath.

“I think…. No, it’s more than that…,” I started, fumbling over my words much like I’d fumbled over my words to Richard. Taking another breath, I ripped off the proverbial Band-Aid.

“I’m gay.”

I hung my head, unable to look at her. I kept my eyes on the table, preparing myself for the hurtful words that were sure to come. However, to my surprise, the tears didn’t fall from my eyes. The secret was out, and there was no taking it back.

“I’m very disappointed in you, Brian,” Carolyn said, and not only did her words convey that message, but I could hear it in her voice as well.

“Do you think I wanted this?” I asked incredulously. “Do you think I’m happy being some kind of freak? You can’t be any more disappointed in me for being gay than I already am in myself.” I started to get up from the table; her disapproval and disappointment were exactly the reason I hadn’t wanted to tell her and hurt more than I wanted to admit to myself.

“I’m not disappointed in you because you’re gay, Brian,” she said, and her voice was sharp, angry. “I’m disappointed because you’re ashamed of it.” I looked at her in surprise. “Since we brought you home, I have tried to teach you that you are someone to be proud of. Being gay, no matter what any of the small-minded people around here have to say, is nothing to be ashamed of. That’s the way that God made you, and I doubt that He’s ashamed of you.” Her voice softened again as I sat back down at the table.

“It’s Jamie, isn’t it?” she asked with a small smile, and I nodded. “I always wondered…. I’m glad you’ve found someone that you care about. It’s something I always wanted for you because you’ve been so alone. I knew the first day you brought him home from school with you that you would be very close. He’s a good boy.” She patted my hand as she stood up to go back to the stove. All the fear and the procrastination in telling her were for nothing.

“He is that,” I said, a grin on my face since she’d first said his name.

“Are you staying over there on your birthday?” she asked, trying for casual but only achieving mildly curious. I nodded, explaining that the Mayfields had already cleared it if it was okay with her. “It’s fine with me. I’m glad it will be something special for you.”

I certainly hoped it would be special. There was only one thing I had asked of Jamie for my birthday. He was hesitant, but he hadn’t said no. I think he understood that it was the next logical step in our relationship.

More than anything else on earth, what I wanted was for us to make love.

10

I
STOOD
in the center of the small space alone with Jamie. The shutters that keeping out the rain pounding on the roof also kept out prying eyes from our most intimate evening. After setting up two small battery-operated lanterns that cast a warm glow throughout the room, Jamie crawled off the mattress and stood in front of me.

“Are you sure, Brian?” he asked for what seemed like the twelfth time. My eyes never left his as I nodded. Reaching down, I grabbed the hem of my worn T-shirt and pulled it up over my head. I let it drop to the floor silently.

“I want you to make love to me, Jamie,” I told him with no ambiguity in either my voice or the words. He reached down, tentatively grasping the bottom of his tank top. When it was on the floor next to my shirt, he was finally in my arms. As our deep, tender kisses became more impassioned, more heated, I unbuttoned my jeans with trembling fingers. I wanted this. I wanted for us to have that one thing, that one connection that no one could take from us. No one would have as deep a connection with Jamie as I would—not Emma, not anyone. I needed it.

I needed him.

Hooking my thumbs into the waistband of both my jeans and my briefs, I pulled them down. As I stepped out and straightened up, I felt every bit as naked as I appeared. I was scared but determined. Looking at me, indecision and fear on his face, he finally undressed, his eyes never leaving mine. Being naked in front of Jamie had started to arouse me, but the sight of him nude excited me even more.

Then his lips were on mine, and I forgot about being scared.

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered, his forehead pressing against mine as he held me. I could hear the fear in his voice.

“I want to do this,” I said, gently taking his face into my hands. “I want to be yours, Jamie, in every way. We’re going to go back to school soon, back to pretending, and I need to hold on to this. When I see you walking down the hall holding her hand, I need to know that I have something of you that she doesn’t.”

Pulling back sharply, he looked at me, but my eyes were on the floor. It was ridiculous to feel that way, after all we had been through, all we had done together. While I couldn’t explain why it was so important to me, I just knew it was. Perhaps I just wanted to quiet some of the fear, the fear that he would one day leave me.

“You have everything,” he said quietly, his voice breaking. The emotions, plainly visible on his face and in his eyes, were staggering. Love, respect, and even a bit of fear were all evident as he kissed me again. I felt his love in every short, heated meeting of our lips, in each tightening of his arms around my waist, and I knew what he was saying was true. No matter what kinds of odds were stacked against us being together, there was no doubt that he wanted me every bit as much as I wanted him.

“If you don’t want to…,” I whispered, unable to finish as my disappointment and fear of rejection washed through me. I had been prepared to have sex with Jamie that night, ready emotionally and physically, but I felt the sting of his hedging deep in my chest. With strong fingers, he forced my chin up so that my eyes met his.

“Of course I do,” he said, his eyes blazing. “I just don’t want us to have sex just to prove something. I want it to happen because of the way we feel about each other.”

He wanted me, as much as I wanted him. I crushed myself to him, pressing my face into his neck.

“I love you, Jamie. Please, I want to show you.”

Slowly, he nodded, and I turned in his arms and led him over to the mattress. We didn’t need roses or candles or anything else to commemorate this moment. There in our sanctuary, by the light of battery-operated lanterns, on an old inflatable mattress, we would become one. We would consummate that promise of forever that I would hold foremost in my heart. No matter what else happened, whether we were discovered or not, we would forever have this moment.