Chris Cleave Ebook Boxed Set (57 page)

We didn’t speak for the longest time after that. We just looked at each other and drank our drinks. I could feel the G&T starting to work. It was nice being out. Pubs were the best places for me really. I mean all the smoke made me nervous but I never actually saw my boy in pubs. They don’t serve the dead or anyone under 18.

When our drinks were finished Terence went up to the bar for another round. He stood right next to Jasper Black so their elbows were touching. They were both tall men and they didn’t say a word to each other and I couldn’t look it made me nervous. After a while Terence Butcher came back with 3 drinks. He’d got himself a
whisky chaser with his Guinness and my G&T was a double. He slid mine over to me and sat down.

—Alright? he said.

—Yeah. Terence?

—Yes?

—Thanks for being good to me.

—It’s more than that, he said. I really like you. In fact I think I’m—

—Stop. Don’t say it.

He smiled.

—Sorry, he said.

He drank his whisky and put the glass down loudly on the table.

—Right, he said. So tell me what do we do now then. I’m a copper. I need rules. I haven’t done this before.

—Oh. Well I have god help me. It’s quite simple really and there are rules so you’ll be right at home. You start by telling me how you don’t have sex with your wife any more. That’s the hard bit for you. That isn’t something you ever ought to tell another girl so once you’ve said that then we’re both in it together. Then we have sex until your wife finds out and takes your kids to live at her mum’s place.

—You’re the perfect little optimist aren’t you? he said.

—Well. That’s just the way it works. I’m only saying.

Terence Butcher looked down into his pint. He made little circles with his finger in the creamy foam of his Guinness. I watched a thin line of blood start down his arm from under the lime-green sleeve of his polo shirt. The blood ran down the back of his hand and along his finger. Drip drip drip. It made bloody red craters in the creamy white head of his Guinness. He sighed and looked up at me.

—Tessa, he said. That’s my wife’s name. Loves the theatre does Tessa. We have to go once a fortnight. You like the theatre do you?

—Nah.

—Good, he said. The whole thing goes right over my head. Tessa
must have dragged me along to a thousand plays by now and I still couldn’t tell you the difference between
The Cherry Orchard
and the magic forest from
The Wizard of Oz
. More drinks?

—Yeah go on.

Terence went to the bar and came back with the same again. Jasper Black followed him back to our table with his eyes. I gave Jasper a look and he looked back at me for a long time before he dropped his eyes. Terence sat down.

—Everything alright? he said.

—Mmm? Oh yeah. Fine thanks.

I picked up my new G&T and rattled the ice in it. Terence Butcher lit another ciggie and I took one too on account of I was drunk enough.

—We got married too fast, he said. Me and Tessa. In those days people still waited till they were married. It made you want to get on with it. We were married 3 months and 3 days after our first date. It’s all a bit of a blur. I remember standing at the altar and saying I do. I remember kissing the bride. And then I turned round and looked at everyone in the church. That’s when I noticed I was out of my depth. On my side of the congregation there were all my mates from the force plus all their wives and girlfriends. They were a nice enough bunch but you could tell the suits were on hire if you know what I mean. Whereas on Tessa’s side. The bride’s side I mean. There were lawyers. Stockbrokers. An unbelievable number of ladies in hats. Their own hats I’m reasonably sure.

—You poor bugger.

—I noticed it all in a flash, he said. Us coppers are known for our powers of observation.

He swallowed half his Guinness and banged the glass down and laughed.

—Christ, he said. It looked less like a congregation and more like the two sides lining up for the English Civil War. I looked back at Tessa and I saw her looking out over the church too. She was trying to be brave but I could tell she’d just seen the same thing I’d seen.
There it was. All laid out before us. Tessa looked at me and from that moment I don’t think we were under any illusion. I don’t think you could really say it was love after that. The theatre. Child rearing. United front. But not really love.

—Sex?

—Yes, he said. Every now and then until the mid-90s. I can’t say I was sorry when it stopped. Tessa had this way of making me feel like I was walking across her carpet with muddy boots on. She used to lie very still and not make a sound. I’d look into her eyes when we were making love. It was like looking through church windows from the outside.

—Poor you.

—Don’t mind me, he said. I’m fine. I just get like this when I’ve had a drink or two.

—I reckon a bloke like you deserves more from a marriage.

—What I have with Tessa is not a marriage, he said. It’s a nuclear class war.

He gripped his pint so hard I was scared it was going to break. I put my hand on his wrist and he looked up at me.

—Know what’s different about you? he said. Warmth. That’s what I get with you that I don’t get with Tessa. Basic human warmth. Can I tell you something?

—Go on.

Terence Butcher blushed.

—I sometimes imagine you and me in bed together, he said. But not having sex. Just talking. It’s the morning and we’re away somewhere in my caravan and the sun’s coming through the windows. We’re miles from London. You can see the specks of dust glowing in the air above us. Everything’s very quiet and still. And we’re chatting away and suddenly you turn towards me and you ruffle my hair. That’s all. You ruffle my hair and we smile because we understand one another.

I smiled at him and put my hand on his face.

—That’s nice.

He leaned towards me.

—Would you do it? he said. Would you come away with me for a weekend? We’d take the caravan down to the coast. Brighton maybe. Or Worthing. What do you say?

—I’m not sure.

—I’m not sure either, he said. They’ve got better facilities at Worthing but it’s quite dear so maybe Brighton would be a better bet.

—I mean I’m not sure whether we should go at all. What about your wife?

—I don’t think we’d take her, he said. It’s quite a small caravan you see and Tessa comes with rather a lot of baggage. Breeding. Family money. The people who have it aren’t like you and me. They’ll be polite enough to you. But try to get too close and they’ll put back that distance. Try to step inside their circle and they’ll close ranks. Us and them are not the same species. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Don’t ever get involved with the upper classes.

—Shall we have another drink?

Terence Butcher stood up.

—Alright, he said. Stay there. I’ll go.

He took our empties back to the bar and I sat there thinking about Jasper Black and Petra Sutherland. Terence was 100 percent right god help me I never should of got involved but I couldn’t think about that now on account of I was having trouble balancing on my seat and I needed a wee. I got up from our table and I picked up my handbag and walked over to the Ladies. I wasn’t too steady on my pins.

There were 2 cubicles in there and wouldn’t you know it I picked the one with no lock on the door. It’s sod’s law only you probably call it something different down your neck of the woods Osama like THE DIVINE WILL OF THE PROPHET but my point is there were 2 cubicles and I chose the one with no lock on the door and I was so desperate for a wee that I didn’t care so I just pulled my knickers down and sat on the seat and did my wee while I held the toilet door closed with my foot.

I was doing my wee and thinking about what Terence Butcher said. I thought about ruffling his hair in the caravan with the sun coming in very bright through the windows and my boy laughing and doing somersaults on the long grass outside. My boy was giggling. He was ever so happy. He had his yellow wellies on. When he’d had enough of somersaulting we’d go for a walk. Him and me and Terence Butcher. We’d laugh and play 1–2–3 Whoops! and find some puddles for the boy to splash in.

I was so happy. Suddenly I really could see myself with Terence Butcher. I started whispering to my husband don’t worry love I’ll never forget you but you know how it is. You’d of wanted me to find someone wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t of wanted me to drift and blow away all alone like some old carrier bag. I smiled it was like all the emptiness was draining out of me with my wee. I sat there on the toilet for a little while after my wee was finished. I closed my eyes and hugged myself because for the first time in I don’t know how long I wasn’t feeling nervous. I was smiling because just for the moment I didn’t see flames and I didn’t hear screaming. I was smiling because my life wasn’t empty any more it was ready to be filled. There’s a difference you see Osama and that difference is called HOPE.

But when I opened my eyes I stopped smiling straight away because Jasper Black was standing in the door of the cubicle. I pulled my legs together and hugged my arms round my knees so he couldn’t see anything.

—What the hell do you think you’re doing?

—You left the door open, said Jasper Black. I thought you wanted company.

He came into the cubicle and closed the door behind him and leaned back on it. He stood there for the longest time just looking down at me with his 7 haircuts and his stupid grin. He looked a bit unsteady on his pins too. I should think he was more drunk than I was.

—Who were you talking to? he said.

—No one.

—Yeah right, he said.

He took a wrap of paper out of his jacket pocket and unfolded it.

—Cocaine, he said. Want some?

—No. Listen you’d better get out before my boyfriend comes to see why I’m taking so long. He’s a big chap. If he finds you in here with me you’ll be dead meat.

Jasper lifted his powder up to his nose and sniffed it right off the wrap. He stood there watching me. I think I knew what was coming but I didn’t even have time to scream. He moved so fast. He came forward and pushed his hand over my mouth before I could open it. I tried to get up but he sat on me. His weight crushed my bum into the toilet seat and his crutch was pushed against my tummy. It was hard to breathe. I was slapping at his face with my hands and scratching him but it didn’t seem to bother him. He was just laughing. With the hand that wasn’t covering my mouth he started fingering my neck and my tits. The way his hand scratched at my tits it reminded me of this programme I saw on the telly where an armadillo tries to dig into an anthill.

There wasn’t anything I could do. He pinned me down on that toilet seat. I thought he was going to rape me but he didn’t. He moved his face right up to mine and he started kissing me on the cheeks and the eyes and the nose. His breath had that horrible sweet smell that comes in the evening from starting to drink in the afternoon and not stopping. He kept kissing me it went on and on. Like he was putting off what had to come next.

There were cuts on his face from shaving. It looked like he must of been drunk before he even left his place. There was dandruff on his shoulders. The T-shirt he was wearing could of done with a wash. Maybe it was all the G&T but I suddenly felt so sad for me and for him. You’ve got to be pretty far gone before you pull a stunt like he just had. I mean the list of your crimes is pretty long Osama but I don’t think anyone’s accusing you of following girls into the khazi.

This wasn’t like Jasper Black. I looked in his eyes and I could see it now. He wanted to stop but it was out of control. His life was skidding into mine and it was happening in slow motion like a car crash. He shoved one hand down between us and he pushed his thumb up inside me and it hurt because I wasn’t ready and all the emptiness flooded back in with it.

I gave up struggling. There was no point any more and I didn’t want him to hurt me any worse than he had to. It was very quiet then in the cubicle with just the hiss of his sick sweet breath on my face. He stopped kissing me when I stopped fighting. I could tell he was surprised. His eyes went narrow and he stopped pushing so hard with his hand on my mouth. He just held me there for the longest time with his thumb pushed inside me. I could feel the blood pulsing in it very quick.

Tears ran down my cheeks onto his hand. Jasper stared at me in the green glow of the toilet striplights. I watched the flesh scoured off his face by white-hot flying shrapnel and spattered on the wall of the toilet cubicle until all the lonely dykes’ graffiti was drowned and dripping with blood. Jasper’s thumb made small nervous twitches inside me and my guts began to twist. I listened to his breath hiss and a tap drip drip in the washbasin outside. Then I heard the door to the Ladies open and swing closed again. There were 2 footsteps. Then silence. Terence Butcher’s voice came from the other side of the cubicle door.

—Hello? he said. Look I’m sorry about this but you’ve been in there for ages. I just wondered if everything was alright?

Jasper was staring at me. I saw the pupils of his eyes go twice the size and I felt his hand tighten on my mouth. He looked over his shoulder to the cubicle door and then he looked back at me. Both his hands were trembling. I could feel his panic on both sides of my skin.

—Hello? said Terence. Look if you’re poorly it’s alright. Come on out of there. I’ll help you clean up. We’ll go for a coffee somewhere.

Jasper’s eyes went wild. He was looking all around the cubicle for another way out. Maybe one of those small high windows they always have in films. But there wasn’t one.

—Listen, said Terence. Just tell me you’re alright and I’ll wait for you outside. Otherwise I’m going to have to come in.

Jasper made the tiniest sound then. It was the smallest start of a cry. Just a sad little squeak right in the back of his throat. It was the exact same sound my boy used to make the instant after he’d fallen over and banged himself a nasty knock. Just before his face crumpled up with misery and the tears started.

Now you wouldn’t understand this Osama because you’re not a mother. That’s my whole point I suppose. But when I heard that sad little squeak I went on autopilot. I still had my hands free and I moved one of them up to Jasper’s cheek. I stroked his face very gentle. Then I took my other hand and I pulled down on the wrist of the hand he was holding over my mouth. He fought against me for just the tiniest part of a second and then he looked in my eyes and he let his hand fall away from my mouth onto my shoulder. Suddenly he was as good as gold. He was waiting to see what I was going to do. I looked right into his eyes and I felt his thumb trembling inside me. I opened my mouth.