Christy: A Journey Tale (16 page)

“Oh my goodness, what did he say to you?”
Jennifer asked as she imagined herself in Christy’s place having to
face her father.

“I think that had to be the scariest part of
all. He didn’t say anything. I mean absolutely nothing, for what
seemed like forever. He just looked at me and that’s it. I didn’t
know what to do or what to say, so I just went and sat down on the
couch and hung my head. The truth is, I don’t think he knew what to
say. In fact, I don’t think he even knew where to begin, but when
he did finally say something, I think he was trying to get my
attention, but the problem was I just thought he was being
mean.”

“Is this how it was when you were with him?
Is this how you lived back then, in squalor?”

“Lived with who?”

“That guy you were running away from when I
picked you up.” Christy looked up at him, her face flushed with
anger.

“That was different.”

“I don’t see a lot of difference here,
Christy. You were doing your best to kill yourself back then, and
now you’re right back here doing the same thing again. I thought
you were past this. Have the last four years meant nothing to you?”
he asked, looking directly into her eyes. The embarrassment, the
pain, and every other emotion boiled inside her, all trying to get
out at the same time. It was anyone’s guess as to which one would
come out first. She was as likely to punch him as she was to break
down in tears. He let her stew in her own juices for a long
pregnant pause before pressing the point. “Answer me, Christy. Has
nothing I’ve said meant anything to you?” Again he paused, but she
still wouldn’t look at him. “Answer me!” He bellowed. The sound
reverberated off the walls causing her to flinch. When she did it
broke loose whatever was holding her back and she stood to face
him.

“Listen old man, I’ve put up with your crap
for way too long. I don’t need you anymore. You don’t know me and
you sure as hell don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” Her words
were more vehement than she had intended. Her own voice was alien
to her ears. Everything came out as a blistering tirade when all
she really wanted to do was cry and ask him to help her make it all
right again. On the other hand, to yell back at him, to hurt him,
did make her feel strangely better. “Look around you. This is who I
am. This is who I’ve always been, Jack. If you don’t like that, I’m
sorry, but you’re just going to have to get over it. I’m an adult
now and not just some punk kid you can push around. I can do
whatever I want whenever I want to do it, and there’s nothing you
can do to stop me.” She said slowly and confidently, secretly
hating every word of it. This time it was his turn to stare at her
with his face flushed.

“You’re wrong about that you know.” He said,
his voice calm and steady. “You’re not an adult. You’re still that
same helpless kid stuck in a woman’s body. I’m sorry, Christy, I
didn’t come here to do this. I didn’t come here to fight. In some
ways I came here to say I’m sorry. I can’t help but take some of
the blame. I pushed you out because I thought you were ready. I
thought you could handle things, and I wanted to see what amazing
stuff you could accomplish. I’ll be honest: it breaks my heart to
see you like this, and I just want to see you do better because
deep down I know you’re better. You’re selling yourself out by
taking the easy road for no other reason than it’s easy. Life
doesn’t have to be like this. I thought you knew that but I guess I
judged you too quickly. Remember the Community, Christy. Remember
what it was like to have people who loved you. Remember what it was
like to care about something and be a part of something bigger than
you. If you do that and live that way, then all your problems will
disappear. Try some new things. Volunteer at an animal shelter,
find a hobby, or do something else that you enjoy besides getting
into trouble. There is so much more that this world has to offer
than what you had at the Community and that was what I was hoping
you would find out for yourself on the outside. I was wrong. I
pushed you into a world you still weren’t prepared for. Maybe we
just need to go slower. I can take you back there. I can still try
to make this right.”

“Jack was a good man, but he wasn’t perfect.
He had a plan for my life, but the only problem was I wasn’t ready
for his plan. He wanted me to do all this stuff and make something
of my life. He believed in me so much, more than I ever realized
until that moment. That’s when I truly understood how much I had
disappointed him and also how disappointed I was in myself. I got
so angry I cried and I just started yelling at him about nothing –
I mean nothing at all. I was just in a tizzy and I wanted him to
hear about it, but not the nonsense spewing out of my mouth. What I
really wanted him to know was how I felt deep inside. The sad truth
is, we never got there and all I really ended up doing was just
pushing him away. I was so mad and stubborn I would have said
anything just to argue with him.”

“What happened? Dad was never one to argue.
If he thought you were making stuff up I don’t see him staying in
that fight very long.”

“Yep, that about sums it up. I mean, our
little discussion didn’t last a long time. I threw in some curses
and I tried to make him feel bad, but he wasn’t just going to stand
there and let me abuse him. In fact, he told me flat out before he
left that he didn’t think I believed a single word I was spouting
off. He told me he would be back in a month and a half since I
didn’t take him up on his offer and that he expected more from me
than this. He told me to clean up and that I was wasting my life
and I knew it. He also told me to reconsider going back to the
Community and rejoining the fold.”

“So what happened after that?”

“It’s kind of funny, you know, even though
all we did was fight, it still seemed to help. I started to do a
lot better. I cleaned up a little. I mended some fences. He gave me
a goal. I had six weeks to get myself straightened out and that
gave me something to reach for.”

“That sounds great. What happened when he
came back? Was he impressed?”

“That’s a good question. You know six weeks
is a long time and a lot can happen. Sometimes life gets in the
way. I still didn’t do alone real well. As fate would have it I
moved in with a guy a month later and then he transferred to
Knoxville I went with him. I always meant to go back and leave a
message for Jack at the Community, but for one reason or another I
never did. I always meant to keep in touch, but to be honest I
don’t think I really wanted him to know what I was doing. That
little devil on my shoulder never really left, and I got mixed up
into some stuff that took on a life all its own. At any rate, no
matter what good intentions I might have had, the fact is I never
talked to Jack again and those final words of his have haunted me
ever since.”

“Now that he’s gone, I don’t guess I’ll ever
have the opportunity to tell him how much of a fool I was and how
sorry I am for the way I treated him.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it, Christy. He
knew, from what you’ve told me I’m positive, he knew exactly how
you really felt.”

“I hope so, but it’s more than that, you
know. I can’t help but regret the way things ended. It’s so hard to
put it into words. I mean, when we were at the Community I loved
talking to him. I loved the way he made me feel. He was the most
open and honest person I’ve ever known. It didn’t matter whether it
was religion, politics, or even the weather, he made my whole life
just a little bit better. If I had a problem or if I was feeling
down, I knew it was just a matter of time before he would be right
there for me.” Christy paused, collecting her thoughts before her
emotions ran away with her. More memories of the talks and times
they shared started rolling back through her mind. “You know, there
was a period in my life not too long ago when I couldn’t remember
for the world what those times were like and now it’s like a faucet
I can’t turn off. Those were definitely some good years.”

“It’s ok, take your time.” Jennifer said as
she could see how Christy was struggling. She was staring down at
the table lost in another world, in another time. It was a few
minutes before she raised her head, her eyes penetrating.

“Thank you,” she said in almost a whisper. “I
can’t tell you how much this means to me. I hadn’t thought about it
I mean about all of it in a very long time. I remember so many
things now that I promised myself I would never forget. Every
minute that your daddy spent with that silly stupid girl will
always be special to me,” Christy said with admiration. “I know it
may sound dumb, but he really was like a father to me, or at least
he was the closest thing to what a father should have been. You
have no idea how lucky you are. In fact, it might surprise you to
know that there were lots of times when I would have given anything
to be you; to be his real daughter. I was so jealous.”

“You didn’t have to be jealous Christy. He’s
now just as much a part of your life as he is of mine. You’ve got
your memories and no one can take that from you.”

“I know that, but there’s just so much I
didn’t tell him. There’s so much I need to say,” Christy said.
Jennifer began to think that maybe she might be able to help her
and just maybe help herself in the process.

“Christy, maybe you could tell me what you
need to say to him. Tell me what you’ve been holding on to. I may
not be Catholic, but if you need a confessor then maybe I can do
that for you now.” She said with a warm, encouraging smile.

“I…I can’t,” Christy said through a burst of
emotion. She couldn’t do this. She had to get out; get away, any
place would be better than here. She jumped up from the booth and
ran outside, past the windows, away from where she could be seen
from inside.

Jennifer grabbed her purse and threw down a
$20 on the table as she rushed out to follow her. She hit the door
in the same direction Christy had fled, but to her surprise
catching up to her was not going to be a problem. She was right
there, leaning up against the brick wall, with her head in her
hands. Jennifer took a deep breath and forced herself to slow
everything down. She went over to Christy gently placing her arm
around her shoulders. They stood there for a moment and then
Jennifer slowly walked her over to the car and slid her into the
passenger seat.

Jennifer felt so helpless and sorry for her
as Christy continued to cry softly. She reached in her purse and
pulled out a small package of Kleenex and held it at the ready. She
was in no hurry. She decided not to say anything, but just let her
go. It was almost like she was cleansing herself of everything that
had come to the surface, everything she had been holding back. The
levy had broken and Jennifer thought it best to let it run its
course. It took a few minutes, but soon enough Christy began to
come out of it a little and wiped her eyes. Jennifer offered her
the tissues, and she accepted with a whispered “Thank you.”

“Christy, I won’t insult you by pretending to
know what you’re going through right now, but I do know what it’s
like to hurt. I know what it’s like to lose someone very special to
you, and I know what its like to have unfinished business,”
Jennifer said as she thought about her own regrets. It wasn’t hard
to see some of herself in Christy. Jennifer asked herself what she
would say to her father if she had the chance, but she already knew
the answer to that one. She would have told him that he had been
right about her husband. She should have never had married him, but
she was too wrapped up in it to listen to anyone objectively. So
now she let herself be honest for once. She had been so desperate
for everything her ex had been selling. She was greedy and it led
her down a path that took her away from everything she knew was
important. The conversation she would have had with her father
played out in her mind. She finally understood what he was trying
to say to her. Jennifer’s own eyes began to fill with tears. Her
dad had never played the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” game. He did
what he thought was right, and he did it with conviction. She said
to herself, “That’s the person I want to be. I want to be strong
and independent like he was. Dad would have listened to my whines
and regrets, but then he would have set me straight. He would have
told me to take control and make my own destiny.” She looked at
Christy. “Maybe I’m not the only one that needs to hear that.”

Jennifer realized at that moment that Christy
was staring at her blankly as she started to come back to reality.
Jennifer couldn’t even remember the last words she had said. It
didn’t matter. She knew what she wanted to say so she just decided
to wing it.

“Christy, I know you’ve got this whole swirl
of emotion going on in your head right now. I know how crazy
everything is, but the only way I see it getting any better is for
you to get it off your chest and get it out there. If there’s one
thing you could say to my dad what would it be?”

Christy was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry.”
She said softly and then louder. “I’m sorry. I’m so very, very
sorry.” Her eyes filled with fresh tears and she put her face in
her hands. Jennifer gave her a moment, took a deep breath, and then
reached over to take Christy’s hands in her own. She pulled her
hands back from her face turning Christy around to look at her.

“I forgive you,” Jennifer said in a whisper
and then louder, and it almost sounded like his voice. “I forgive
you, Christy. I forgive you. But you have to stop living in the
past.” Jennifer smiled at her and realized she had been trying to
imitate his voice. “You know that’s what he would say.” Christy
smiled back at her and nodded her head. Jennifer could feel the
tension breaking. “My story may not be as adventurous as yours.
Actually, it’s probably a little boring, but that hasn’t stopped me
from having my own ups and downs. I’ve got my own list of things I
wish I could take back, but dad would never let me hang on to them.
Even now, when I think about him, I can hear him tell me to move
on, to keep going, and to never settle for anything. I know life
hasn’t been easy for you, but you already know what he would say.
Take control of your life and make your world what you want it to
be. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. What matters is the choice
you make right now, because it’s that choice that will determine
all the other choices that are to come.