Chronicle of a Plague, Revisited: AIDS and Its Aftermath (12 page)

Alas, the veneer of culture is quite thin, and make-believe no match for reality. The misery of nineteenth-century tuberculars is no longer a subject for exquisite farce; and this generation—for whom tragedy could be performed only
as
farce—is now having to separate them again, and put farce in the attic. Not only is Charles Ludlam gone, it seems, so is humor. One no longer can make jokes about death. One can no longer make jokes at all—the curtain’s down. Talleyrand is supposed to have said that those who never lived before the Revolution never knew
douceur de
vie
—well, those who never saw Charles Ludlam before the plague missed some brilliant moments in the theater. Oh, were they brilliant. Oh, was he funny. Oh, is he dead. Oh, is this plague—ridiculous.

B
EAUTY NOW. HAIR, Eyes, Lips, Makeup, Fashion NOW.
NEW ICONS. What Everyone’s Talking About: Books, Plays, Music, Food, Travel, Eskimos, Chess, Virgins.

“SOMETIMES IN LIFE,” someone marvelously French said (oh, all right!
Proust
), “all we need is a change of weather.” Well darling, it’s PUMPKIN-Time in the Big MANGO.
Mejor dicho:
Autumn in New York. Why does it set the heart
dancing?
Because we’re back in town after a long, slow, DEFENSIVE vacation at the beach and WE FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES. (Not to mention how good we LOOK.) Time to take stock. To choose what in the new fall season is right FOR US. To strengthen Beauty Points: Attitude, Hair, Eyes, Lips, Skin, Makeup, Knees, Body. Time for buckling down with all that is best in WHAT’S NEW: A NEW diet, a NEW kind of Romance, a NEW You. What’s NEW in what WE SEE for YOU this FALL ’85—the BEST fall of your lives—begins with:

Beauty NOW. A NEW APPROACH. Those long, pensive walks you took on Fire Island, Laguna Beach, or Cape Cod in late August have PAID OFF. Those lonely nights midweek when your house was empty, and instead of doing something risky like visiting the RACK you lay on the deck listening to a Vivaldi guitar concerto, wondering “What’s a flower for?,” are yielding BIG DIVIDENDS: People see you’re at your PEAK OF BEAUTY. Of course, you
used
to stop and chat with these adoring FANS, but this fall you have a reserved and distant and MYSTERIOUS air. People wonder WHY you’re not cruising them. Why you don’t LOCK EYES ON THE STREET.
You
know the reason. It’s simple. YOU’RE SCARED. At your job—which will be, this fall, MUCH more absorbing, fulfilling, and interesting than it has EVER been before (and you know why), you keep that GUARDED yet OPEN feeling as you mix with all the DIVINE FLESH that congregates in our city.

IMAGE. A cold and silver SEA seen from the stone cell of an IRISH MONK in the fourteenth century, transcribing a text of Aristotle in the most BEAUTIFUL CALLIGRAPHY the world has ever known. YOU: a secret, wild rose growing on a misty, cool, high promontory outside his window—even though you’re in the middle of perhaps the most HYSTERICAL city in the world, or even (who knows) some little speed trap down SOUTH (which has its OWN hysteria). Beauty NOW is CALM. Beauty NOW is HEALTH. The NEW ICONS are: Virgins, Stone Age Tribes, ESKIMOS, Sophomores in Town on a Class Trip, Anybody from North Dakota, Chinese chess champions with BRACES. The OLD ICONS—hot men, used men, Italian baggage handlers, Puerto Rican messengers. Syrian taxi drivers, dark, mustached men in their prime—are OUT OUT OUT.
Don’t touch!
Glance at them MAYBE on the windows of airline offices as you walk by on this CRISP, FALL AFTERNOON,
not
directly. (They won’t look back anyway, since everyone is practicing the NEW RESERVE.) BONUS: Glancing at the plate glass window of the AVIANCA office lets you see your—

Hair NOW. Hair NOW is of course short on the sides, thick on top, though you could break away from the pack by growing an AFRO. (
Live.
) Hair NOW, in whatever style
you
choose to present it, is, of course, HEALTH-HAIR. Remember your FOCUS in fall ’85: Carrots, raw greens, and other vitamin-A-rich foods FEED Follicles. DANGER: If some evening your haircut is INCREDIBLE—SO GOOD you must go out, then do it, but simply to SHOW YOUR HAIRCUT. The theme for fall ’85?
Look But Do Not Touch.
(Remember Mom when her hair and nails were
Just Right
before going out?) Try taking your FABULOUS HAIRCUT to SAFE locations like: the Guggenheim, Saint Patrick’s, your favorite J.O. Club. (And
remember,
at the latter, there is no outfit on earth more DEVASTATING than simple white Jockey shorts and T-shirt. DESIGNER LABELS:
VERBOTEN
.) Or take your haircut out for a WALK. Wherever you are, remember: Hair NOW is about being STRESS-FREE, and INNER PEACE comes from knowing you are ALIVE and committed to REMAINING SO in the near term. Health-Hair NOW is the expression of that commitment, and so, darling are—

Lips NOW. Lips
used
to be for: Sucking, Licking, Hissing, Talking Dirty, Slurping. Now they’re for: Discussing the Meaning of Existence, Prayer, and Song. Lips NOW have never looked more FABULOUS because they are PRISTINE. Join the
Gay
Men’s Chorus!
Gargle regularly with warm water, baking soda, and/or salt, to keep the edges and inner lining of the mouth MOIST and RED. Don’t GNAW at your lower lip even though the New Reserve may induce TENSION. Remember your FOCUS: Lips are COMPOSED, SERENE, yet GENEROUS. Lips ’85 convey a WEALTH OF EXPERIENCE,
and
a wealth of WISDOM. Lips ’85 send a message: NO.
We are no longer doing
certain things.
This can be HARD ON LIPS. LIPS ’85 are used to saying, “I DON’T DO THAT NOW.” Because SOMEONE PISSED IN THE POOL, darling! Because we all realize now that anonymous (Let-Yourself-GO) sex is OUT, unless you want to spend this FALL ’85 petrified over every pimple and cold sore and ache. Lips ’85 want to know: What about Safe SEX? SAFE SEX can be FABOU for the lips—if they don’t have to EXPLAIN IT to the person first. Whose lips enjoy NEGOTIATING rules of lovemaking before sex? KEY: Look for people ON YOUR LEVEL: AWARE, WITH IT, KNOWING, ON THE CREST OF THE WAVE. If you should see a HUMPY ANGEL you
cannot
pass up, use your LIPS ’85 to find OUT what he knows. And if he doesn’t know ENOUGH (and LIPS ’85 are all about KNOWING. Why else do you live in the most fabulous city in the world?), then simply give him the telephone number of a FRIEND who will explain on your behalf Condoms, Hydrogen Peroxide, Clorox, Oxynol-9 (and let’s not kid ourselves any longer about Kissing: I know this is tough on die-hard romantics, but grow up). Sally Slut says to herself, “If I have to go over there and raise the issue of DEATH with that gorgeous man, I’d rather not bother.” (Makes sense, Sally.)
Sally Sensible makes the effort.
Both ask, “What IS sex, anyway?” or (more accurately) “What WAS sex?”—before going ahead with it. Use Lips to redefine, RETHINK what same-sex desire is
really
all about. Use Lips to sing fabulous, sophisticated, bluesy RODGERS & HART ballads that still express JUST HOW WE FEEL. CONSIDER: Taking your FABULOUS NEW LIPS to church. Lips ’85 look great in a PEW because PRAYING and FOLLOWING THE LITURGY are SAFE SEX. BONUS: At the coffee hours after the service at Dignity or the gay synagogue, you may meet men who are there for something other than INSTANT oral gratification. Use your Lips to discuss THE SOUL. (You HAVE one, darling. You just MISPLACED it during the seventies! It’s someplace around the apartment. LOOK FOR IT.) And while you do, practice FACIAL ISOMETRICS. Because Lips ’85 are both PHYSICAL and SPIRITUAL Lips, CENTERED, CALM, COMPOSED Lips, and so, darling, are—

Eyes NOW. Eyes this fall are VERY IMPORTANT, more important than ever before, more important than LIPS, because they are—quite frankly—our CHIEF SEXUAL ORGAN this season. BE CREATIVE. Take mental photographs of HOT, HUMPY MEN all over town to be developed later in the silence of your own bedroom where you will be having SAFE SEX with yourself. (The body simply does not like foreign sperm.) The hot, humpy PUERTO RICAN MESSENGER hanging on to the subway strap next to yours? DEVOUR HIM WITH YOUR EYES. FOCUS on a LIMB, a BUTTOCK, the shadow of a beard on his square jaw, a muscle flickering beneath the skin. (HOT STUFF, darling.) You CAN have sex with
les yeux.
(See Wordsworth, “The Daffodils.” Or Cavafy, the DIVINE Alexandrian poet who had sex simply by EXAMINING fabrics with a cute salesman behind the counter. BE CREATIVE.) Whether you RUN, or do TAI CHI, or SWIM, take in the sight of SWEATY ATHLETES in their UNSPEAKABLE BEAUTY—the stain that a perspiring ass makes on PALE GRAY SWEAT-PANTS, the way HAIR clings to the forehead of someone who has spent SIX HOURS playing BASKETBALL—as you USE SPORTS to SMOOTH YOURSELF OUT during this period when oral satisfaction is being denied.
(Type A personalities especially:
Take thirty-minute SWIMS three times a week. Use goggles to protect your eyes. Do not take too long in the shower. Be careful not to
slip
in the shower, because the floors of many gym shower rooms these days are
covered
with spermatozoa.) SUGGESTION: Get into the pool in the lane next to someone CUTE. Make your FLIP-TURN when HE does, so you end up
face-to-crotch
with his
Speedo
underwater! OR: Swim the CRAWL slightly
behind
him, so you can see his ass tighten and relax with his flutter kick, and the flare of his back, and those beautiful chests coming toward you in the other lanes. Because—

EYES ’85 are all about PERIPHERAL VISION. They are HONEST, FORTHRIGHT, WARM, but CLOSED.

Consider going to the GYM at odd hours, if the visual stimuli of rush hour overload the circuits. Go LATE when the gym is nearly EMPTY and you do not have to worry about being caught STARING directly at other weight lifters, or TRIPPING on the track as you run looking down at the SEXPOT punching the bag beneath you on the gym floor. CHANGE gyms if yours produces an urge to visit the Baths. Visit the BATHS if VERY FIRM about Safe Sex (this is only for advanced students) for visual feasts of gorgeous homosexuals DENYING DEATH. Less Advanced: Take architectural walking tours of the city—at odd hours; avoid cruisy parks. HOP A TRAIN Up the Hudson to see AUTUMN. (Now that you are still alive, life has never seemed so
precious
to you, and all its extraordinary beauty.) Use the energy left over from NOT HAVING SEX to EXERCISE your eyes by: Paying bills on time,
devouring
the letters of Proust, Henry, William, Alice James, Thomas Mann, Bernard Shaw, Bismarck, Goethe. Finish Robert Musil’s
The Man Without Qualities.
WRITE a five-act opera based on same. Watch the man in the building behind yours undress at night. Get to know the PORN you stored years ago under the bed. EXPAND your CONCEPT OF PORN by finding nearly everything you see EROTIC. (The New Celibates know all about this FABULOUS BONUS.) Jerk off with a small mirror on the shelf opposite the toilet seat to show JUST YOUR HAND on your genitals. AVOID PIG EYES on the street. Remember—if America were an Islamic Republic (and more and more people are thinking it SHOULD BE), you might be wearing CHADORS, leaving ONLY the eyes (barely) exposed, which is what EYES ’85 are ALL ABOUT. OR: Use your FABULOUS, EDUCATED EYES to make your apartment PRISSY—use enough period furniture, porcelain, ormolu to make a penis THINK TWICE before getting hard;
or
create a space TOO EMBARRASSING to ask another human being back to: Village NIGHTMARE!
Or
: If TERRIBLY SECURE in the New Restraint, make your room IRRESISTIBLE for those evenings you’ll be asking friends over to discuss History:
Sex in the Seventies,
or the latest kiss-and-tell biography of Tennessee Williams, because NOW THAT NO ONE IS MAKING LOVE TO YOU, you need the emotional BONDS
friends
provide more than ever,
and
books about Other People’s Sex Lives. When you MUST GET OUT, go to the Eagle and LOOK at other men. (Remembering the rule this season is:
Mira Pero No Toques
.) (Has anything at the Eagle REALLY changed?) WATCH the new plays, films, cabaret that always EXPLODE between now and the holidays. CHOOSE the J.O. Club that is right for YOU. Is DANCING your perfect Sex Substitute? Then OGLE the HOT, HANDSOME, PUMPED-UP GYM BODIES, PERFECT DELTOIDS in a sweaty discotheque. If this leads to the balcony, STAY HOME. (
There are people fresh out of the hospital up there.
) SUGGESTION: Spend Saturday NIGHT parked in front of your TV. Look for: Diet Soda commercials—
pornographic!
—or the obligatory scene by the pool in
Love Boat,
with humpy L.A. extras parading in the background. (
Danger:
Don’t watch the scene the Main Actors are playing—this may bring your T-cell count DOWN.) Try reading CYNTHIA OZICK. Or—better yet—use the mirror in your bathroom to perfect your—

Makeup NOW.
Incredible. Revolutionary. Unheard of.
Industry types will tell you this year’s eyeliner and blush are based on smoky, woodsy, fall colors, but we are under too much pressure, personally and historically, to put out that line of shit. Smoky, woodsy colors, darling, are NOT In. Nor are pastels, peaches, or the injection of
sheep placenta from Bulgaria.
BE HONEST. In the old days weren’t we the first to shatter
oppressive Makeup
Myth
by telling you, quite simply, there is no chemical in all of Estée Lauder, Max Factor, OR Clinique’s bottomless vats to compare with the GLOW a really marvelous, time-consuming, no-holds-barred, midafternoon
you-know-what
could give you (and WASN’T IT, once-in-a-lifetime, the TRUTH?).
That’s all
over now!
Makeup ’85 is the VERY LITTLE SEX glow. The SAFE SEX, or NO SEX, glow is slightly different—it can even look a bit DEAD—but not to worry. With all the chlorine from the pool you’ll be doing thirty miles of LAPS in this fall each month to CALM DOWN, you will look POSITIVELY ETHEREAL. Be DECISIVE. DUMP the Queen Helene Face Mask, the cucumber facial, the superfatted soap in the TRASH. WE ARE TALKING CLEAR, UNOBSTRUCTED YOU. We are talking the ALMOST NO SEX glow. Makeup NOW is totally REALISTIC. HONEST. SENSIBLE. Discipline is STRICT, faces are held ABOVE the steaming collard greens while your pores say:
Bonjour,
vitamin A! Put your
punim
RIGHT INTO the bouillabaisse, no matter how fashionable the restaurant! Bee Pollen? MAINLINE IT! SUGGESTION: Put a little sign above the bathroom mirror that says: 1. I will wash my face every night. 2. I will not let anyone sit on it. The first involves: Distilled water, a Neutral Soap, at least TWENTY RINSES before patting dry with a CLEAN TOWEL. The second involves GOING STRAIGHT TO BED, where you will be getting lots of GOOD,SOLID SLEEP this Fall because SUPERB SLEEP is ESSENTIAL to your—

Body NOW. Demands getting to KNOW YOUR BODY. And who knows it better than you?
For starters:
KNEES are in wonderful shape, because you’re not ON THEM anymore, and you’re careful when you RUN to do it on indoor tracks and not that hard, cement sidewalk. BUTTOCKS are firm because you’re exercising on a regular basis. The ASSHOLE is tight, and free of VENEREAL WARTS. In fact, you’ve NEVER BEEN IN BETTER SHAPE. Some of you have CHOSEN TO BE FAT, because FAT looks HEALTHY. Others have kept your TEENSY WAIST. You’re working out now BECAUSE YOU ENJOY IT. Because EVEN WHEN WE STOP HAVING PICKUP SEX, we remain as
vain
and
eroticized
as ever! FEET Now are in top condition, and used only in J.O. scenes, or on brisk walks through the woods overlooking the Hudson. BONUS: Massage your feet at home—SENSUOUS and STRESS-DISSOLVING. BONUS: Take your feet on a hiking tour of the Catskills. (But NOT Co-pacabana Beach or the streets of Paris. Travel is part of Feet NOW but not SEX VACATION—because some diseased QUEEN less ethical than you has been there already and infected the locals!) STOMACHS—unless you’ve decided to become a Porker—are WASHBOARD. NIPPLES are SUBDUED. GENITALS—bleached in Clorox—are worn UNOBTRUSIVELY. The INSIDE OF YOUR RECTUM, in fact the entire LOWER COLON, reflects your decision to maintain SPATIAL INTEGRITY. They have also been helped by your emphasis on
whole-grain
cereals mixed with the RAW OATS found in those
divine
bins at your favorite health food store. (STOOLS
float
on the surface because you are eating sufficient roughage.) CONSIDER: Macrobiotic. BONUS: Claims are made it can
bring your T-cell count back to
normal.
FACT: You love CHOCOLATE CAKE. (And CHOCOLATE is more important than ever this fall because you have nixed certain other forms of
oral gratification
.) BASIC: Whichever way you go, foundation
must be
a BALANCED, NATURAL DIET of fresh fruit and raw veggies. KEY: FART FOOD is GOOD FOOD because people who fart unpredictably, and often, are
not
going to risk the HUMILIATION entailed in blowing several hundred cubic feet of STALE GAS during a
let-yourself-go
orgasm. They STAY HOME MORE where they can fart to their heart’s content! Use this EXTRA TIME to do KNEE EXERCISES—like
genuflection.
Memorize: “My Body Is the Temple of the Holy Ghost.”
Keep it Clean.
With knees, feet, asshole, stomach in PERFECT SHAPE, your body HUMS, and a perfectly working BODY has always been, and is again this fall, the most important, crucial, fundamental element in—