Church Camp Chaos (18 page)

It took a little more than a minute before every day camper was sitting on the ground, clapping like it was the best game they’d ever played. (EJ had always thought the “Zip Your Trap, It’s Time to Clap” tactic was a little sneaky trick by teachers, but this time she didn’t mind a bit since it got the day campers under control.) EJ grinned at Susan, once again admiring how resourceful and cool the counselor was. Susan ended the clap with a flourish, and 150 attentive day campers were ready to get started.

The whole scene must’ve caught Gene off guard, because his precious megaphone hung at his side, and he stared openmouthed at Susan, obviously impressed with her pied piper–like skills.

“Uh, Gene …” Susan helped guide the megaphone to his mouth. “You’ve got their attention.”

Gene snapped out of his daze and pushed the button. “Welcome to day camp!” A chorus of excited cheers burst out of the crowd of kids and counselors.

For the next several minutes counselors moved throughout the day campers, checked lists on clipboards, and paired day campers with their fifth-grade buddies.

Macy got paired with a tiny girl named Shawna, who looked like she was about three seconds away from bursting into tears. Macy took her by the hand and glanced at EJ with a “What have I gotten myself into?” look as she led Shawna to the dining hall for breakfast.

Cory Liden got paired up with Isaac. EJ watched and listened as Cory invited Isaac to punch him in the stomach with his Hulk fists—a request that resulted in Cory doubled over in surprised pain.

“Still think he looks like fun?” EJ asked Cory, trying to hide a grin.

“Are you kidding?” he said, recovering quickly. “Little dude is awesome!”

“Hi, EJ!” Isaac waved a Hulk fist at his sister as he and Cory walked to breakfast. “Bye, EJ!”

“EJ, you’re with”—the counselor named Jen glanced down at the list—“McCallister. Katy McCallister.”

“YES! Yes, yes, YESSSSSSS!” Katy leaped from her spot in the grass and skipped two circles around EJ before throwing her arms around her waist in a hug. “Best day camp EVER!”

“Eeeeasy, Katy.” EJ grinned and hugged Katy back. She had to admit it felt pretty nice to be adored like that.

Breakfast was pancakes, sausage, fruit cups, juice, and milk—served by circus clowns. But everyone quickly found out there were a dozen day campers who had clown phobias, so after a handful of freak-outs and meltdowns, the cooks agreed to take off their wigs and foam noses. Still, a couple of the day campers wouldn’t sit with their backs toward the cooks. “I don’t trust their painted-on smiles,” one day camper said, and EJ secretly agreed with him.

After breakfast they all went to the gym for a camp song sing-along, followed by a short devotion given by Gene. EJ was glad he used the building’s microphone and sound system rather than giving the devotion through the megaphone.

Next up, the campers could choose from a number of different activities to do: archery lessons, boating, laser tag, pottery, kids’ karaoke, jet skiing, a campfire cooking class.

EJ knew the water-related stuff would be the most popular, so she convinced Katy they should do some of the other activities first. First they sang a karaoke duet of “Lean on Me” that got a standing ovation from the crowd. Then they spent some time at the archery range. EJ made sure Isaac wasn’t there; nobody in their right mind would give her maniac of a brother a weapon like that—she hoped. EJ was a little surprised to find she was a decent shot with a bow and arrow, so she mentally added that to her career list (although she wasn’t really sure what kind of job involved archery).

Next EJ and Katy walked to the lake, where EJ spotted Cory and Isaac strapping on lifejackets at the boat dock.

“How do you feel about bumper boats?” EJ asked Katy.

“They’re my
favorite
!” Katy replied, hopping excitedly. “But I thought you wanted to stay away from Isaac today.”

“I do want to stay away from him,” EJ said. “But when it comes to high seas battles, it’s my turn for a win.”

First Mate EJ Payne takes one last look at the map coordinates before rolling up the parchment and tucking it inside her uniform pocket. The open sea is perfect, with a brisk tailwind. She’s confident the merchant ship
Merriweather
will deliver its cargo of coffee and tea to the American colonies ahead of schedule
.

“Deck Cadet Katy McCallister reporting for duty, sir … er … ma’am.” Katy blushes at her mistake but recovers quickly in a sharp salute to her superior
.

“Ah, very good, cadet.” EJ paces the
Merriweather’s
deck and looks out on the sea’s horizon, hands clasped behind her back. “You’ve been through your training, and you’ve done well.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Katy stands a little straighter
.

“I’d like you to take the helm.” EJ faces Katy and lays a hand on the younger sailor’s shoulder. “I’ve taught you everything I know, and I believe you’re ready for this.”

Katy’s eyes light up. “Yes ma’am!” She grasps the giant wooden wheel with both hands and pulls as hard and as fast as she can, rotating the wheel clockwise
.

“Stop, Katy!” EJ grabbed the edge of her seat as the bumper boat spun like a top. “Not like that! We’re going to get dizzy!”

Katy let go of the steering wheel, and the doughnut-shaped bumper boat slowly stopped spinning. EJ tugged on the collar of her lifejacket and took deep breaths, willing her head to stop spinning, too.

“Sorry, EJ,” Katy said sheepishly. “I thought it might be good to practice—you know, to get away from—”

“Pirates!” Deck Cadet Katy shouts, pointing toward a dark ship with black sails and a Jolly Roger flag flying from the mast. Except there was something odd about the flag—it wasn’t the typical skull-and-crossbones that pirates use. No, the shape of the skull was somehow wrong. EJ raised her spyglass to get a better look
.

“A T-Rex skull. Oh no,” EJ whispers
.

“Hoist the mainstay! Scuttle the mainmast! Protect the starboard side! Swab the poop deck!” EJ shouts frantically
.

“Swab the poop deck?” Katy asks. “Really?”

“Get us out of here!” EJ replies. “It’s the dread pirate Weird Beard!”

Too late. The pirate ship is already within striking distance
.

“Katy, go below to take inventory of the weaponry in the cargo hold,” EJ orders
.

“But, ma’am, we’re a merchant ship,” Katy says. “What are we going to do—throw loose tea and coffee beans at them and hope it gets in their eyes?”

“Just do as you’re told, cadet.” EJ’s voice has a warning in it that makes Katy jump to action and disappear down a ladder
.

“Ahoy, matey!” Weird Beard shouts from the deck of the pirate ship. The pirate is famous for his love of Tyrannosaurus Rexes—like the Jolly Roger flag with the dinosaur head. And now that he is close enough and EJ gets a good look at him, she sees that the parrot on his shoulder isn’t a parrot at all, but a bird-sized T-Rex toy that he pretends is real … and can talk
.

Weird isn’t the half of it
.

“Arrrgh, what do we have here?” Weird Beard says out of the side of his mouth in a high-pitched voice—obviously his best try at being a ventriloquist with the dinosaur on his shoulder. “It be a pretty little boat sailed by a pretty little girl.”

“Stand down, you vile dinosaur!” EJ doesn’t know why she’s talking to the toy. “Weird Beard, I can see your lips moving. You’re not fooling anybody.”

“Oi, don’t listen to her, Cap’n,” says Weird Beard’s first mate, a cute pirate with dimples named Cory. “And taking this ship from girls will be like taking candy from babies!”

“I am First Mate EJ Payne of the
Merriweather,“
EJ says, stepping up on a wooden crate to appear a little taller. “And like it or not, girls can do anything that boys can do.”

“Arrrgh, now there’s where you’re wrong, me beauty.” Weird Beard was talking for himself this time. “Girls can’t get to ramming speed like boys can. Full speed ahead!”

The pirate ship lurches forward, straight toward the
Merriweather.
In a split-second decision, EJ yanks the helm and swings her ship at the pirate ship
.

BOOM!
The two boats careen into each other, rattling the bones of everybody on board
.

“Good form!” Weird Beard laughs. “Again!”

“Is that all you’ve got?” EJ shouts. “It felt like your ship just bounced right off the
Merriweather!”

The ships pass each other and circle around, readying for another collision
.

“EJ, I found these under the seats!” Katy showed EJ two double-barreled water guns.

“Excellent!” EJ smiled at Katy and grabbed one, keeping it low enough in the boat that Isaac and Cory couldn’t see it. “Full water assault when I say ‘now.’ ”

“Got it!” Katy grinned.

EJ held the gun between her knees and grasped the steering wheel with both hands as she squared up to the boys’ boat.

Just before EJ was about to jam the boat’s throttle to the floor for ramming speed, she heard a pop of static come from the floating boat dock behind them.

“ATTENTION: girls in the red bumper boat!” Gene’s voice seemed to be amplified over the surface of the lake. “The day camper’s lifejacket isn’t secured properly. You must snap the top buckle
now
, or I will take away your boating privileges.”

EJ saw that Katy’s top buckle had gotten unclipped somehow, so she reached over and snapped it together quickly.

“There, we got it.” EJ waved and gave the thumbs-up sign at Gene. “We’re good!”

First Mate EJ urges the
Merriweather
ahead at full speed, eyeing the oncoming pirate ship. If she doesn’t time this right, it could be a head-on crash that might sink both ships
.

“Cannons ready,” EJ gives the order to Katy
.

“Ready,” Katy replies
.

“Steady …” EJ waits for the right moment. “NOW!”

EJ and Katy raised their water guns and sent two colossal streams of water toward the boys. EJ’s hit Cory right in the chest, and Katy’s cascaded like a waterfall on the top of Isaac’s head. EJ wished she could’ve taken a picture of their shocked faces.

Isaac lost control of the steering wheel as he wiped water out of his eyes, but their boat still sped ahead.

“Ahhh!” Cory tried to grab the wheel, but it was too late. “Look out!”

The boys’ bumper boat did a spectacular spin and smacked into the floating boat dock—hard—before bouncing off, no harm done to the boat or the boys. The dock lurched from the impact, throwing Gene off balance so he stutter-stepped off the side of the dock, headfirst into the water.

A couple seconds later, Gene broke the surface of the water, coughing up lake water and arms and legs flailing before he got his feet under him in the shoulder-deep water. With his red hair hanging in strings on his face and water dripping off him, he looked a little more like a drowned fox rather than a camp counselor. He slowly lifted the megaphone from the water, the strap still firmly around his wrist.

The campers in the boats and on the shore collectively held their breath, wondering what would come next.

He pulled the trigger, and the megaphone siren gave the saddest little wail EJ had ever heard before the sound faded and sputtered to silence.

A cheer erupted from the crowd. Isaac didn’t know it then, but it would be a Camp Christian story that would be told for years to come.

July 24

It’s Thursday, the day campers are back at home, and this afternoon we’re heading out into the woods to sleep in tents tonight in the wilderness. I don’t really know what to expect because most of my camping has been in Nana and Pops’s Winnebago. I guess we do stay in tents at family camp—but Dad lets us watch movies on his laptop at night. I don’t think anyone would call that kind of camping “roughing it.”